So long and thanx for all the fish!

Well it is almost the last day of the year and I have been inspired to do one last post of the year. Its been hit or miss for me blogwise this year but I am happy to squeeze one more in under the wire :-)

Year in review:

2006 has had a lot of ups and downs. I am not really sure what to say about it so I think I'm going to do this is a sort of stream of conciousness style so bear with me....

Lost some friends…on the other hand I also lost some people who were just pretending to be friends.

Lost my grandma, lost my first cat, lost my soul mate Ree Ree all in the same month. That was a really bad month. I am still recovering from that one.

Found some old friends and made them new, found some new friends and began to make them old, found out which friends were really true…kept them close to my heart even if I couldn’t have them in my life like before.

This year I began to go after what I wanted…then I got scared and reverted back to old patterns. In the midst of all this I began to realize that no matter how much I tried to screw my life up, this year it wasn’t working. It makes me think that I had some special energy in the universe looking out for me. Maybe that goes back to the second line of this rambling overview…maybe, just maybe, those we love are never lost they just cease to be seen. Hmm…that’s a good one to ponder for 2007.

This year I began to be honest with myself about what I want for my life and myself. I got accepted into the Respiratory Therapy program and finished the first semester. It was easier than I imagined in some ways…and harder than I thought in other ways. One semester down, three to go. Most importantly I will finally have a degree before I pass thirty!

For a good part of the year I battled loneliness in a new place with a new job and an uncertain future. I am winning…for now…but I think….no I KNOW…that this is a battle I will fight right into 2007 and beyond.

The holiday season this year was kind of sad; completely foreign. Without Grandma it was as if we were floating without an anchor. Thanksgiving my mom dad and I took the 8 hour jaunt on down to L.A. to spend time with my brother. It was so much fun but we didn’t have nearly enough time. We went back to the happiest place on earth for the first time since New Years 2005. I became a pirate princess and found out what its like to have a good time when your not worried about trying to make sure someone who didn’t even want to be there has a good time. I think Buzz Lightyear said it best…TO INFINITY, AND BEYOND!!!!!!!!! That’s my new motto for the rest of my life. Some things I learned there:

1. Don’t put 5 big people in one boat on splash mountain and think you might just get “wet”. You are going to get soaked so for Buddha’s sake don’t take your digital camera and cell phone with you!
2. ALWAYS take someone who needs a wheelchair with you when your going. If no one needs a wheelchair invest the 35 dollars in getting one anyway….it will make your day go a hell of a lot faster!
3. California Adventure closes at 10…so make sure you get there before it closes
4. Always stay at the Sheraton…they have nice rooms for a decent price.
5. The busses come every 30 minutes…be prepared to wait a full 30 minutes when you are ready to go because without fail you will miss every bus you try to catch by 1-2 minutes.

We should have went back for Christmas because there was no way we could create a “normal” Christmas without grandma and were doomed to disappointment with how different the day was. That and I had 5 days off instead of 2….it didn’t even feel like the holidays this year. I spent the 5 days in a haze and went back to work feeling like I didn’t have any time off.

This was also the year of the baby…thankfully not my baby! Babies all around and for the first time in many years that does not depress me. The most special baby is my best friend’s dream come true…A lil’ one that will bless us with its presence in ’07 and whom I will love like my own because I’m pretty sure I have decided that I am never going to have my own.

The coming years bring uncertainty but with this uncertainty comes the possibility for true happiness. This is a possibility that I can’t pass up. Sure I may not find true happiness but if I don’t look then I don’t even have the possibility. I just have to get past my greatest enemy...myself!

Something to be

"I feel happy...and you know how big that is for me" is my quote of the day. This evening (well yesterday evening now) I finally realized how far I have actually come in the past year and a half. Its been tough at times, and there were many instances in which I felt like giving up...but I didn't. I am in such a better place not just physically, but mentally and spiritually. Moments like tonight are what keep me going. There is no need to go into the details. Very few people would understand anyway. I just want to document the first night in a long time I have felt like a person that I am proud to be. I am posting the song that I think represents what the last 4 years have been for me. I hope it helps you understand why I am so excited about getting to what I have achieved. As always, Rob says it better than I ever could :-)

Something to be
by Rob Thomas

Hey man
I don't wanna hear about love no more
I don't wanna talk about how I feel
I don't really wanna be me no more

Dress down now I look a little too
Boy next door
Maybe I should try to find a downtown whore
That'll make me look hardcore
I need you to tell me what to stand for

I've been looking for something
Something I've never seen
We're all looking for something
Something to be

Hey man
Play another one of those heartbreak songs
Tell another story how things go wrong
And they never get back
My pain is a platinum stack
Take that shit back
You don't wanna be me when it all goes wrong
You don't wanna see me with the houselights on
I'm a little too headstrong
Stand tall
I don't wanna get walked on

I've been looking for something
Something I've never seen
We're all looking for something
Something to be

I can't stand what I'm starting to be
I can't stand the people that I'm starting to need
There's so much now
That can go wrong
And I don't need somebody
Trying to help it along
It's the same old song
Everybody says you've been away too long
Everybody wanna tell you what went wrong
Wanna make you like an icon
Till you believe it to be

I've been looking for something
Something I've never seen
We're all looking for something
Something to be

The final product

Just thought since I posted what I was considering for my tat I should let everyone see the finished product (and the outline too...why not). Hope y'all like it. I think it turned out awesome (I'd better since its not going anywhere)!

EERIE

A friend sent me a kinda cool personality quiz. I don't know how it does it but it was frighteningly accurate:

Wanna try?

_______________________________________________________

You are longing for some love and affection at this time - not that you have been deprived of tender loving care - but there are times when everyone needs to try something new or to go 'somewhere' else to perhaps experience that little extra 'understanding'.

You are trying to improve your position and prestige - be it in your life or in your workplace. Things are, at this time, OK - but they could be better. You feel that it is essential that you break down any opposition that could possibly lurk in the shadows. You know that you are quite capable of achieving this set goal because you have to and because it is essential to your self esteem.

You are prepared to establish a particular relationship that is being made available to you at this time. It could be a satisfactory liaison but there could be a certain amount of conflict involved -try to avoid direct confrontation at all costs.

You are feeling trapped by the situation as it stands at this time and what is more, you feel powerless to remedy it. You are stressful, angry and disgruntled. You feel that everything that you try to do to change the situation is thwarted and your hopes and aspirations all seem to be receding into the ever distant future. You have reached the state where you now doubt whether your dreams will ever be achieved and this is not only causing mental stress but heartache. You need to get away from it all - you need to have time to think, to recuperate, to be able to make your own decisions.

You don't like conflict and you endeavour to avoid criticism. You want to do your own thing and to be able to decide what is right for you. You have considerable personable charm - and this is used with considerable effect on those that keep your company.

I need your help

I'm going to get a tattoo next weekend. I am getting it in honor of my grandmother who as you may know passed away almost 9 months ago. She always called me her ladybug (I was the first!) and she loved angels so I am going to get a tattoo of a ladybug with angel wings. Trouble is I can't find any pictures I like so I am looking for the ladybug and the angel wings seperately at the moment and I'll have the tattoo guy try to combine them. These are the wings I've found so far. BTW: if you can draw and want to try to make a design for me PLEASE DO! :-) Let me know what you think.






























































And here are the ladybugs I'm looking at:

A quickie

A romantic slave to BDSM???? ...hmmm....maybe I'll have to explore that side of me :-)

You scored as A Slave To BDSM. Admit it, you like being tied up and being told you've been very naughty. You like teasing your partner and making them squirm, and not letting them be able to do anything about it. Some people think what you do is sick and disgusting, but you know it's all in good fun. A Slave To BDSM 68% A Romantic 63% Sex God 60% Virgin 53% How are you in bed created with QuizFarm.com

My favorite question on the quiz was the following....all I have to say is ummmm....HELLLLL NO! Been there done that burned...well everything :-)

24 I would rather sleep with a walrus than never have sex again.

SERIOUSLY! I can't make this kinda stuff up....

Happy Halloween

Thanks LIZ!

The importance of taking the time to look inside yourself

It's been forever since I've posted anything of any real substance on the blog so I figured I would just post a quick update.

Been having a lot of medical "issues" lately so I've spent a fair amount of time going back and forth to the doctor in between trying to keep up with work and school. I've been so exhausted I barely have time to eat or sleep but I do my best as the doctor says it will help. Its been easier to sleep since I got my cpap machine...I'm not winning any contests in the sexy sleepwear department but I guess thats the last thing I need now considering my living situation :-)

I had my first ultrasound today...it went well....everything seems to be where it should be. Now I can focus on remembering everything for my midterm on Monday. I'm doing well in school but then again, I've been studying for about 10 years so I think I should have some of the basics down by now...which is all we are really learning at this point. There is just so much to remember. It is weird...with how long I've been in school it is usually at this point in the semester that I think "eh I don't really need to go to class" and end up going only once a week or so....I haven't begun to feel that way which tells me I think I've finally found the right path. Took me long enough :-) Now when we start our clinicals next semester I'll probably be freaking out....I'll keep you posted :-)

Well, I gotta get going. Hope all is well with everyone. I'll be in Stock-Town next weekend if you want to hang out. I'm going to the opening night game of the Stockton Thunder with some friends. Woo hoo....gotta love them hockey playa's. Maybe I'll lose the breathing machine for one night and bring one of them home with me ;-)

Now thats what I call cute!

My cousin's baby (also my cousin?!! I dunno) is so adorable. We got this pic this morning. All I can say is that THIS is a smile I could wake up to every day :-)

My theme song!

"Down In Mississippi (Up To No Good)"
By: Sugarland

Friday, payday, Lordy got to get away
Had it with the wife thing, living on a shoe string
What's a poor girl got to do just to have some fun?
All these years without any help
Guess what, honey, clothes just don't wash themselves!
Neither do dishes, neither does the bathroom floor

So, now if anyone asks, not that they would
I'll be down in Mississippi and up to no good

No more, what a bore, had enough, I'm out the door
Headed for a breakdown, had it with the small town
Gonna call Lisa, gonna call Carla Sue
Now we're gonna let it roll, gonna let it rip
Gonna get us a nice room down on the strip
Not that we'll need it, there won't be any sleepin' tonight

So, now if anyone asks, not that they would
We'll be down in Mississippi and up to no good

Hammer down, here we go
Runnin' for the riverboat
All you're gonna see is asses and elbows
Luck's about to change for these three queens
Tired of getting' jokers, deal us up kings

Snake eyes, roll the dice, double down and hit me twice
Cashin' in the big chips, gonna leave a big tip
Hotter than a two dollar pistol, baby, I'm on fire

So, now if anyone asks, not that they would
I'll be down in Mississippi and up to no good
If anyone asks, not that they would
I'll be down in Mississippi and up to no good

I'm worth 275....50

~~~ok...so how many are gonna be honest and add the 50 cents?



HOW MUCH ARE U WORTH?

Okay so heres, the deal, you look it over and see how many of these things you have done, BUT you have to add up the money amount along the way, then post the amount that you are as the title of the bulletin such as "$15" or "I'm worth "$78" or something like that.



Smoked pot: $10

Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before: $20

Went skinny Dipping: $5

Had sex in a pool: $20

Kissed someone of the same sex: $10

Had sex with someone of the same sex: $20

Cheated on your g/f or b/f: $10

Cheated on your g/f or b/f with their relative of close friend: $20

Done oral: $5

Got oral: $5

Done/got oral in a car while it was moving: $25

Prank called the cops: $5

Stole something: $10

Stole something worth over more than a hundred: $20

Had sex with someone 10 years older: $20

Has sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27: $25

Cried yourself to sleep: $5

Cried during sex: $20

Been in love: $25

Been in love with two people or more at the same time: $50

Said you love someone but didn't mean it: $25

Went streaking: $5

Went streaking in broad daylight: $15

Been arrested: $5

Spent time in jail: $15

Peed in the pool: $0.50

Played spin the bottle: $5

Done something you regret: $20

Had a crush on your bestfriend: $5

Had sex with your best friend: $20

Had a crush on someone at work: $5

Had sex with someone you work with at work: $25

Lied to your mate: $5

Lied to your mate about the sex being good: $25

DON'T FORGET TO REPOST WITH YOUR DOLLAR AMOUNT

No tag backs :-)

I had been meaning to steal Jenna's "weird things about me" blog but it looks like I don't have to because she went and tagged me :-) And yes, I am still procrastinating on posting a "real" blog so THHPPPPT! :-P

1. The older I get the more claustrophobic I get but sometimes I still enjoy stuffing myself into small places (behind the couch used to be my favorite) to get away from the world and read a book.

2. I have broken my foot walking....twice...not the same foot mind you, but the same bone in both feet. It's like a party trick I pull out right before I'm gonna move. If your on crutches they don't expect you to work as hard and you can get more sympathy help :-)

3. I freak out when I lay on my back for fear that I am going to stop breathing.

4. I am afraid of ending up alone, but I really hate being in groups of people most of the time :-)

5. I missed the question on my first driving permit test that says what should you do when you know you are going to hit someone or something....my answer was "protect your face with your hands and prepare for impact"....but I still passed :-) (be afraid...be very afraid!)

6. I have burnt water before. Ok the water technically wasn't burnt but the pan was and all the water was black....yeah I'm a fabulous cook :-)

Ok...since I don't get any comments anymore I will tag people by how they come up in my stats viewer...I could guess who these people are but I'll wait until I see if they post this on their blog :-)

a.Domain Name surewest.net ? (Network)
IP Address 65.78.136.# (SureWest Broadband)
ISP SureWest Broadband
Location Continent : North America
Country : United States (Facts)
State : California
City : Sacramento


b.Domain Name (Unknown)
IP Address 198.240.130.# (Credit Suisse Group / CANA)
ISP Credit Suisse Group / CANA
Location Continent : Europe
Country : Switzerland (Facts)
State/Region : Zurich
City : Zrich


c.Domain Name Level3.net ? (Network)
IP Address 4.246.105.# (Level 3 Communications)
ISP Level 3 Communications
Location Continent : North America
Country : United States (Facts)
State : California
City : San Jose

d.Domain Name comcast.net ? (Network)
IP Address 68.81.195.# (Comcast Cable)
ISP Comcast Cable
Location Continent : North America
Country : United States (Facts)
State : Pennsylvania
City : Philadelphia

e.Domain Name (Unknown)
IP Address 209.142.12.# (InReach Internet)
ISP InReach Internet
Location Continent : North America
Country : United States (Facts)
State : California
City : Stockton

f.Domain Name comcast.net ? (Network)
IP Address 67.181.122.# (Comcast Cable)
ISP Comcast Cable
Location Continent : North America
Country : United States (Facts)
State : California
City : Stockton

g. Domain Name comcast.net ? (Network)
IP Address 67.181.104.# (Comcast Cable)
ISP Comcast Cable
Location Continent : North America
Country : United States (Facts)
State : California
City : Stockton

Well, DUH!

You Are Most Like Charlotte!

You are the ultimate romantic idealist You've been hurt before, but that hasn't caused you to give up on love. If anything, your resolve to fall in love is stronger than ever. And it's this feminine optimism that men find most appealing about you. Romantic prediction: That guy you are seeing (or crushing on)? Could be very serious - if you play your cards right!

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

Now that's what I call safe sex!

If this doesn't send the message nothing will! I wonder if this dress comes in plus size ;-)

Who are you trying to convince...me or you?

Ignorance and arrogance piss me off. Needless to say, I'm irritated....In the spirit of all the "me" work that I have been doing I am thinking about the good things going on in my life (they are plentiful!) and taking deep breaths. Below is the mantra I keep repeating to myself (thanks Bobi & Christie)...I think it is beginning to work. I'll let keep you updated

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

~anonymous~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More to come soon, I promise. I'll let you know about my recent "vacation", my first day of school (I am going to have a degree!! AHHH), and anything else I can "dig" up

Boys Are Dumb.....You Know Who You Are

From:

Suddenly Single

Does she want to date you?
By Alan Goldsher

Guys can be kinda dumb.

I’m not talking kinda dumb in a low-IQ kind of way—remember Ken “Mr. Jeopardy” Jennings? Last time we checked, he was a guy—and clearly not unintelligent. But in terms of figuring out how to comprehend a woman’s feelings about us when we’re trying to make the leap from “friends” to “friends who kiss,” forget about it. This is especially true for guys who’ve been burned in the past (and who hasn’t been?) who are wary about rejection. Maybe we’re not totally illiterate, but we often have a difficult time reading signals. So here, a few signs she’s interested—consider them your green light to get closer.

The “let’s laugh” signal
Distinctly not-dumb guy David Wygant, author of Always Talk To Strangers, is an excellent signal-reader. “If she makes you feel like a stand-up comedian, even though you’re not that funny, she wants to take it to the next level,” says Wygant. Similarly, Rosemarie of White Plains, New York, shares, “If I’m interested in a guy, I kind of tease him—I try to get a funny, bantering chat going. It shows that I’m interested in playing a bit of a cat-and-mouse game, you know? I’ll say something like, ‘I think you’re just making that up,’ or ‘Honestly now, has that line worked?’ but I say it with a big smile and eye contact so he knows I’m just joking.”

The tell-tale time sign
If you are friends with a woman and sometimes wonder if there might be more there, take heed of when she wants to hang out with you. If she wants to meet you for a quick workday lunch, chances are she doesn’t fancy you in the way you might hope. But if she asks you to meet her for a drink in the evening or to see a movie with her on a Saturday at 8 P.M., she may be casting you in more of a boyfriend role. Says Shelly of San Diego: “I work with a lot of guys and admit to getting crushes on coworkers from time to time. I’ll chat them up about new movies I want to see, and if one I’m interested in asks me out, I do what I can to make it at night on a weekend. That makes it so easy to grab a drink or food afterward and get to know each other on a more personal level.”

The body language clues
OK, so the odds of a woman reaching out to hold your hand while you’re flirting with her are slim to none. So how does she use her body to show you she’s interested? Jess from New York believes a woman’s gestures will send you the message. “Her body language will give her away—if a woman leans in toward a guy while he’s talking, mimics his body language, and maybe sneaks in a subtle touch here or there, these are pretty good signs that she’s into him. Obviously, he should get her phone number and actually call.”

And how does a guy know if a woman isn’t interested? “If she is looking around the room while he’s talking to her and crossing her arms across her chest,” says Jess, “she’s probably not that interested. Also, if she tells the guy that he would be perfect for her sister or she suddenly brings up the fact that she’s been talking to her ex-boyfriend, there’s probably not a spark there.” The guy should just move on to a woman who is worth his time or possibly take the uninterested woman up on her sister offer.

The look of “I like you”
A guy should also know what kind of eye contact is waving him in. Direct eye contact that lasts more than a couple of seconds is a sign of interest, say the experts. And if a woman looks from your eyes to your mouth, well, things are in very, very good shape. “I don’t know if it’s conscious or not, but when I like a guy, I find my gaze wanders from his eyes to his mouth,” says Moira of St. Louis. “It’s definitely a seduction move; it lets him know that I’m thinking about what it would be like to kiss him.” Gentleman, if you’re getting that signal, this is another time you want to go ahead and get that phone number.

Taking the next step
Once we men realize she “likes us, likes us,” our minds are oftentimes so blown that we have no idea how to proceed. Fortunately, Wygant does: “Once she gives you the hints, you need to close the deal. Ask her to talk to you away from her friends or call her up on the phone and say, ‘You know what? I want to take you out for a nice dinner—just the two of us.’”

What if the object of your affection is a woman you’ve known as a pal for a while? Over dinner, you have the talk, advises Wygant. “You say, ‘I’d really like to become more than friends. I’d like to start dating you. What do you think of that?’ At this point, she’s given you every single sign that this is the conversation she’s been dreaming about, and of course the answer is going to be yes.”

So it all really boils down to a two-pronged plan: Pay attention and take a chance. If you focus your energy on the woman in question rather than on yourself or your surroundings (which is what you should be doing anyway), you’ll pick up more than you ever thought you could have. And if you disregard the very obvious signs — the laughing, the touching, the eye contact — and you don’t go for it, well then, then you are kinda dumb.

Alan Goldsher’s book, Modest Mouse: A Pretty Good Read, will be published by Thomas Dunne Books in August 2006. Visit his website at http://www.AlanGoldsher.com, or write him at askalan@cs.com.

Happy Birthday Cat Whisper (AKA Dad)

Well this weekend was my Dad's 60th birthday....we celebrated this milestone in the scorching 110 degree heat by hooking up the misters and throwin' a shindig. We let the old man take a seat under the misters and drink too much while about 20 people wandered around trying their best to stay cool.


My brother, his girlfriend, and my nephew all joined us which was a great birthday present for Dad....and for mom and I too even though its not our birthday :-P



Much alcohol was consumed yet not really any "Jerry Springer" moments to share....guess we are growing calmer in our old age. Anyhoo...it was a great weekend.



Oh and for those of you who want to know what I got Dad for his birthday...apparently that would be a cat. Miss Bella has fallen victim to the "cat whisperer" and is acting like she doesn't even know who I am....damnit...I can't bring a cat into this house without him taking her :-) Oh well, guess I don't have to clean the litterbox at least :-)

Bella Sera

About 3 months ago I lost my beloved best friend Ree Ree....she got really sick after grandma died and started acting funny. One day she just never came home. I've been missing my kitty lovin' so I got a new friend. Here she is....her name is Bella :-)

Frickin GREAT!

You Are a Losing Lottery Ticket!

Full of hope and promise. But in the end, a cheap letdown.

What Crappy Christmas Gift Are You?

So what?

Your French Name is:

Amélie Bardeau

What's Your French Name?

The window to the soul

Take the quiz:
What kind of eyes do you have? (with pictures)

Brown
You have brown eyes. Brown is the color of the earth. Your eyes symbolize your comforting and fostering nature. You are stable, grounding, sophisticated, considerate, conventional and orderly. People may consider you to be cozy or warm. People feel safe when they are with you. Some words to describe you: reliability, elegance, security, healing, homely, grounding, foundation, and earthly.

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

Lets focus on me :-)

1. What time did you get up this morning? 8:30AM

2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? The Lakehouse

4. What's your favorite TV Show? HOUSE, American Idol, CSI

5. What did you have for breakfast this morning? Strawberry Muffin

6. What's your favorite cuisine? Mexican

7. What foods do you dislike? Beets

8. What is your favorite chip flavor? Nacho Cheese

9. What's your favorite CD at the moment? Nickleback

10. What kind of car do you drive? 2002 KIA Sportage

11. Favorite sandwich? Turkey & Avocado

12. What characteristics do you despise? Two faced, hypocrital, arrogant, self absorbed

13. Favorite item of clothing? PJ's

14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? New Zealand

15. What color is your bathroom? rose colored

16. Any pets? Not anymore :-(

17. Where would you like to retire to? Mediterranean

18. Favorite time of the day? Middle of the night when I am the only one awake :-)

19. What was your most memorable birthday? My 22nd

20. Where were you born? Los Gatos CA

21. Favorite sport to watch? Hockey

22. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? Whoever has the most exciting life

23. Who will be the first to send this back to you?

Whoever is the most bored

24. What fabric detergent do you use? Snuggle

25. Were you named after anyone? Yes...and no it was Shanda Leer

26. Do you wish on stars? All the time

27. When did you last cry? a month ago

28. Do you like your handwriting? Sometimes

29. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Yeah I think I'm pretty cool..

30. Are you a daredevil? Sometimes....

31. Do looks matter? Of course...humans are visual creatures...but a person's perception of attractive is very individual in the sense that you can never tell WHICH way your look is going to matter :-)

32. How do you release anger? scream & cry

33. Where is your second home? My car

34. What were your favorite toys as a child? Cabbage Patch Dolls and My Little Ponies

35. What class in High School was totally useless?

Trigonometry

36. Do you use sarcasm a lot? noooooo *did you catch the sarcasm there?*

37. Favorite movies? Comedies (all kinds) and thrillers

38. What are your nicknames? Panda, Shawanda, Shan'Chelle, Ladybug

39. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? um....not usually....I'm lazy :-)

40. Do you think that you are strong? physically or emotionally? Physically -no, mentally-yes

41. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Rocky Road

42. What are your favorite colors? Purple/Blue

43. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My body image

44. Who do you miss the most? My cat

45. Do you want everyone you sent this to send it back? If you haven't already

46. What color pants are you wearing? light blue

47. What are you listening to right now? Television (Days of our Lives)

48. Last thing you ate? Salad w/chicken on top

49. If you were a CRAYON what color would you be? Purplish blue

50. Last person you talked to on the phone? My cousin

51. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Smile

52. Favorite Drink? diet cherry coke (na) long island ice tea (a)

53. Favorite Day(s) of the Year? Any day I don't have to work :-)

54. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? Happy endings

54. Summer or winter? Winter

56. Hugs or Kisses? BOTH...simutaneously :-)

57. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? chocolate anything

58. What Book(s) Are You Reading?

59. What is on your mouse pad? what mousepad?

60. What did you watch last night on TV? Who wants to be a soapstar

61. Favorite Smells? Rain

62. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles

63. What's the furthest you've been from home? Seattle

Joke of the Day

>All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
>trying to decide who was the one in charge.
>
>
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the brain ,
>"Because I run all the body's systems,
>so without me nothing would happen."
>
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
>"Because I circulate oxygen all over
>so without me you'd all waste away."
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the stomach,"
>Because I process food and give
>all of you energy."
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the legs ,
>"because I carry the body wherever
>it needs to go."
>
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
>"Because I allow the body to see
>where it goes."
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the rectum ,
>"Because I'm responsible for
>waste removal."
>
>
>
>
>All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
>And insulted him, so in a huff,
>he shut down tight.
>
>
>
>Within a few days,
>the brain had a terrible headache,
>the stomach was bloated,
>the legs got wobbly,
>the eyes got watery,
>and the blood Was toxic.
>They all decided that the
>rectum should be the boss.
>
>The Moral of the story?
>
>
>The asshole is usually in charge !!

BOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRREEEDDDDDD

1.You are in the Witness Protection Program and must invent a new first, last, and middle name.
Anastacia Mckaela Brennan

2.You are in a threesome with two famous people, alive or dead.
Oh dear god!!! That's easy, Hugh Jackman and Joaquin Phoenix

3.You are in charge of naming your new band. What's the name of the band?
All that and a bag of Dorito's

4. You are going to get a free tattoo. What would it be?
A ladybug sitting on an angel's wing

5. You are being forced to listen to one song over and over, ad infinitum, as a form of torture. What song is it?
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE.....AUGH!!!!!!!! (sorry to those karaoke singers who love to sing this song....wait, no I'm not....it hurts my ears)

6. You are leaving your state/province. What state do you move to?
Washington.....DUH

7. You are leaving your country, where would you move?
Canada or Switzerland

8. You get to choose one book as the best ever written. What book do you choose?
Man....thats tough...I would ask Christina :-)

9. You get to choose one movie as the best ever made. What movie do you choose?
Another toughie....since I've already used my phone a friend can I poll the audience?

10. You get to spend one day each as a bird, an insect, and a
mammal. What bird would you be? What insect? What mammal?
Hawk, Ladybug, Dolphin

11. You must relive one year of your life. Which would you like to relive?
1980....I think I had fun that year :-)

12. Which year(s) would you least like to relive?
1985-2005.....

13. You have a time machine that will take you backwards anywhere from 1800 to the present. What decade do you most want to visit?
1920's, I wanna be a flapper :-)

14. You must choose to go skydiving or very-deep-sea diving.
Can I choose both?

15. You get to return to the past (using that handy dandy time machine we were talking about before) and have a sexual encounter with a rock star who is no longer alive. Who do you pick?
Either the young Elvis or George Harrison

16. You get to be a contestant on any game show, airing today or in the past. What show do you want to be on?
Press Your Luck....NO Whammy, no whammy!

17. You are given $1 million dollars but you must give it all to one charity. What charity do you choose?
Cancer Research

18. You must ban one word from the dictionary and all usage, to be no longer uttered or written. What word do you ban?
Race......maybe if we stop stereotyping people would stop living up to the stereotypes

19. You can have 100 million dollars tax-free but if you take it, you'll die at the age of fifty. Do you take it?
Hell no.....its not worth it...thats only like 20 more years.

Happy Anniversary to me!

This weekend I went to Stockton and ended up celebrating several special events not the least of which is the one year anniversary of me becoming a free woman. I know I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I was coming up on the one year mark but I didn't really have a lot of time to think about it over the last few weeks of school and holiday. I can not thank my parents enough for all the support they have given me over the course of this past year but this weekend I got to pamper myself, relax, and hang out with the friends who helped me see just how far I've come. As Christie put it "its been a hard year but you've learned a lot". I would have to say that is true. So in honor of the hurdles I have overcome (either by jumping over them or running around them...) I am going to post the top 10 things I have learned in the last year.

10. Blame may be deserved but it doesn't make anything different, it is up to me to stand up for myself.

~~I was reading a book the other day and found the greatest quote that describes greatly what I have learned about myself this year. "And what about me? I had been there too. I could have stepped in. Instead I had been complicit & passive clinging to the position where I could blame if needed."

9. It is always worse to be lonley with people around than to actually be alone.

8. Single does not = alone...there are many people who love me. There are worse things in life than being single....

7. If someone lies to you once and you don't call them on it, they will continue to lie to you.

6. If someone can talk badly about other people behind their back and act like best friends when they are with them, they are most likely doing the same thing to you.

5. If you are not going to do something about a situation that makes you miserable you are better off walking away because it will only get worse. At the same time there is nothing you can do if you aren't approaching a relationship with the same vision of the future.

4. If someone thinks you don't love them there is nothing you can do to change their mind, and if they think they don't deserve you...maybe they are right.

3. The best (only) gift some people can give you is to walk away when you should but won't.

2. I am stronger than I feel. I can make it on my own. I am perfectly capable of success and can deal with it even if I don't.

1. I am a beautiful, intelligent, caring, and compassionate individual who deserves to be respected. If other people can't see it thats their problem not mine and I don't need that kind of energy in my life.

Shanda sounds off - Immigration

Since it is the end of the semester I am getting papers back that I wrote for classes. I got this one back today from my cultural anthropology class. After re-reading it I was like "damn...I kick ass" so I thought I would "publish" it :-)

The Dilemma of Americas Illegal Immigration Policies

The issue of illegal immigration is an interesting issue in a country that is made up of the descendents of immigrants. The nations current immigration issues are not new. As a developing country with such a unique form of government, America is faced with having to balance the philosophy of freedom for all and the practicality of distributing scarce resources amongst an ever growing population. In the history of the development of American society there are many examples of illegal (im)migration. There has never been an effective way of defending against the problems this migration causes to society, and almost without exception the illegal immigrants have been eventually granted amnesty, if only because the government does not have the methods or the means to enforce the laws that it creates.
America is one of the richest countries in the world. It is also a nation that was founded on the principle of providing a haven for the poor and disenfranchised of the world. Society, however, has developed the attitude of the political superpowers that our forefathers were trying to escape from. As such, I believe the government should be considering that illegal immigration is actually a symptom of the underdevelopment that we encourage in the world in order to line the pockets of our wealthy citizens. The pope makes an excellent point when he says, The problem of illegal immigration cannot be considered apart from the underdevelopment that motivates it. (Penalver: 9-10)
The argument against illegal immigration is that our society has laws that are expected to be followed. I counter that such laws are ineffectually enforced at best. Politicians are not able to come to an agreement of how to proceed in relation to immigration reform and changes to public policy are slow. The last reform to the law was in 1986.
No one majority is willing to take a stand against illegal immigration, as evidenced by the fact that since 1965 the nations leaders have only once formally addressed this issue. In doing so they granted amnesty to millions of illegal immigrants and failed to make any provisions for actually enforcing the laws in the future. This is just the beginning of Americas arbitrary policy making. In 1990 the president signed a law creating an annual immigration lottery allowing 50,000 individuals from selected nations to go to the front of the line and automatically become permanent residents. (Wayne: 1)
We must consider the legal impetus for the laws of our nation. If we are not going to enforce the policies that we create, the government is wasting their time and taxpayers money to go through the process of putting them on the books. American leaders have routinely disregarded the broken laws of citizens and non citizens alike. The legal doctrine of necessity is the oft used defense of illegal immigrants because the doctrine makes it lawful for someone in extreme need to disregard the law in order to satisfy that need, as long as in doing so they do not inflict an even greater harm than the one they seek to avoid. (Penalver: p9-10) Ethically, how can a society who has continued to allow, and granted amnesty to, lawless squatters justify enforcement of laws which have routinely been disregarded throughout history?

Wayne, Alex. 2005. Questioning the Risks of Immigration'Lotto'. CQ Weekly Congressional Quarterly Inc
Eduardo Moisés Peñalver. 2006. Are Illegal Immigrants Pioneers? THE IRONY OF AMERICAN HISTORY. Commonweal New York: Vol. 133, Iss.9, p.9-10

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

DISCLAIMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU WATCH GREY'S ANATOMY AND HAVE NOT SEEN THE FINALE.......

Ok I don't know if I am just especially sensitive or what because I have been really good lately about not letting unimportant things get to me, but tonight I am frustrated and I need to vent. I apologize in advance for the language I used to express my frustration...if such vulgar language offends you I urge you to stop reading now.

I don't count on much in life but I have come to rely on my television giving me the happy endings that I very rarely give myself in real life. The advent of "reality" t.v. has only been made bearable by the fact that most of that shit is less real then the stuff that was not claiming to be real. However, this brings us to tonights season finale of Grey's Anatomy.....Again, I warn you, I am going to tell you how it ends so if you don't want to know this is your last chance to stop.....
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Ok, enough of that. Below (because I'm lazy) is the conversation I had with a friend immediately following the show.

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shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: do you watch grey's anatomy?
Shawn: only seen one episode will likely order it
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: Damn...I needed to vent
Shawn: lol i wont remember anyway
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: Yeah but its hard to explain if you don't know the history
Shawn: true
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: So theres this intern that falls for a dr at the hospital...they have a romance and at the end of last season we found out that he's married
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: Well she begs him to choose her and he doesn't...he chooses to "do the right thing" and try to work things out with his wife who btw he left because he walked in on her sleeping with his best friend
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: his wife also happens to be a dr
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: so all season long they are trying to all three work together
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: things happen and the guy won't leave her alone....he does the whole I want you then pulls away shit
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: well the intern sleeps around a bit after the break up because she's frickin hurting
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: things are going ok...she's getting better and they are actually kinda being friends
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: but of course that is not good enough for the fucking dr (who happens to be patrick dempsey)
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: When the intern starts dating his vet and he finds out he flips out
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: he won't talk to anyone and ends up calling her a whore
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: she's like fuck you I'm moved on the best I knew how because you fucking broke me go be with your wife I'm done
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: well tonight was the season finale and apparently that was a lie....
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: they were at this function (her with the vet and him with his wife) and he kept staring at her
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: so she excuses herself and he chases after her and they fucked!
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: I can't believe she fucking fucked him...
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: well I can because I know thats what I would end up doing but TV is not supposed to be like that
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: it is supposed to teach us a lesson and she is supposed to kick him in the balls and run off with her vet
Shawn: its the finale its supposed to be nervewrecking
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: the worst part is at the end the vet still not knowing that they did it offers to drive her home (because some other drama was going on in the hospital) and she hesitates...she stands there staring at the dr.....to be continued...what kind of crap is that! If I wanted that crap I would record my own life...
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At that point I had vented enough to blow off some steam and to release enough pent up energy to let poor shawn off the hook ;-) but now I feel the need to elaborate...

It is no secret I have horrendous judgement when it comes to love and relationships. I am no longer embarrased to say that I have been with a married man and made the wrong choice more often than not when faced with this type of decision. I wish I could say that I had come to a point where I am strong willed enough to rule my emotions so that this is not an issue in my future, but I can't...yet. What I can say is that I don't watch television to see myself on the screen (in slightly more aesthetically pleasing pictures). I am famous for wanting my endings happy, and sweet, and so sickeningly unrealistic that I say "it doesn't happen like that in real life". Is this because I'm a depressed individual who is in search of an escape from reality? Perhaps....I like think, however, that it is more that I am an optomist who needs to see examples of how its SUPPOSED TO FRICKIN WORK! If people with scripts can't get it right, how in the hell is there any hope for stupid schmucks like me? Its not that I think "oh its ok to do that because so and so on tv did it"...I am honestly looking for a little guidance in people I am not personally vested with.

Now logically I understand how the whole concept of a season finale is supposed to work. I am the first one to admit that the producers of this show are genius for hooking me in so much I blog about it. As frustrated as I am I am not even saying that the show didn't have it's desired effect...I mean it is not like I am NOT going to watch it next season (if only to watch what new and exciting ways I am going to screw up my life next).....I'm just saying that I am disappointed. I guess what I'm really disappointed with is that I'm sitting here screaming at the T.V. the right thing to do and I can not say that I wouldn't do the same thing if faced with that situation. What kind of wacko does that make me? Wait...don't answer that ;-)

Ok, I'm done. For those of you who have never seen me blog like this I am sorry. For those of you who made it to the bottom of this blog and want the last 5 minutes of your life back, tough luck...I gave you enough opportunity to run. I wouldn't have been offended...trust me, I'm used to it

Happy Mother's Day!

Mom and I may not always get along but she is the one person who is always on my side, always there for me, and will always be in my heart. She is the one person I know who I can always turn to, no matter what. It took me a while to realize that the reason we don't get along is actually because we are so much alike. We are both fabulous friends, and caring people who sometimes have a hard time communicating what we are feeling inside. I feel very fortunate to have my mom, and hope that I too have a daughter who feels that way about me. Here's to us mom...I love you!

That's right, I'm a hottie :-P

You Are Smokin' Hot

You're a terrible flirt, a sharp dresser, and a party animal. Of course, you're totally sizzling too. And for you, being hot just comes naturally.

Are You Hot?

lava lamp

TGIM????

How is it possible that I feel so much better on a MONDAY than I did on a SATURDAY!?!? The only thing that I can attribute it to is that I actually got some sleep this weekend. First there was the 5 hour nap on Saturday and then I actually got about 8 hours Saturday night and into Sunday. I even got a full 8 hours sleep on Sunday into Monday, despite the Margarita Sunday festivities I attended (margarita's rock!). I am still a bit restless but my ability to concentrate is much improved...which is a good thing since I have 2 papers and 4 finals left to do in a 2 week timespan. I am planning to push myself through it and party it up when I go to Stockton for Shawney's birthday (and christie's show) on 05/20/06. Then after that I have the one year anniversary of my rebirth as an independent woman. I am going to celebrate this with a 5 day weekend and our annual memorial day camping trip. It is hard to believe that it has been a year already. I can definitely see a drastic improvement in all areas of my life, and I am thankful that I am able to look back with a minimum of regrets.

Before I can get to the 5 day weekend or the party weekend I am going to have to get through not only school but also the first mother's day weekend without my grandmother. It seems that the weather cleared up just in time for us to spread her ashes which, while appropriate, is definitely going to put some extra emotional strain on the family. Wish us luck :-)

That about sums it up :-P

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous People will stop and watch you when you appear Even though you're capable of random violence You are best known for: your power Your dominant state: performing

What Type of Weather Are You?

So thats what's in that head of mine :-)

Well...here I am...haven't really WRITTEN an actual blog for a while, just haven't been inspired I guess. Well that and it is frickin insanely busy at the end of the semester. What I should be doing right now? Homework to be sure, I have some laundry that's stinkin up my closet...and the list goes on. I'm just having a hard time finding my motivation. Its like I'm limping through the week and spend the weekends recovering enough to do it again and again. When does it get easier? I'll take me some of that!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not sad or depressed...I am actually feeling content in WHERE I am...its just in what I'm DOING where I am that is giving me a problem. It feels like I am stuck in purgatory....around the corner I can see a fantastic future but it can't come fast enough. I don't think that I have posted about it, but I have been accepted to the Respiratory Therapy program so in just 2 years I will have a degree and good paying job opportunities ANYWHERE in the world that I want to go....I could theoretically survive on my own in Seattle even....that is just amazing to me, and a little scary. Yet it feels like since I found out time has turned to quicksand and I seem to be being sucked back into oblivion...keeping my dreams just out of my reach.

On top of my lack of energy I have been going a bit stir crazy...hows that for for an oxymoron. If only I knew how to harness that energy I would be golden. Now that I am finally getting comfortable in my surroundings I am itching to get out and have fun but there is not much opportunity for that up here....at least not on a regular basis.

Then there is the topic of companionship. This is the kicker. I knew I couldn't quelch my desires forever...its been almost a year and I am starting to feel those long hidden away desires to love and be loved creeping up again. These feelings scare me because I have always had trouble with balance. I kinda felt that I have to bury that part of me if I have any hope of getting through the next two years because if I let it out I won't be able to control it. Then again, I can't imagine not being touched for the next two years. I don't think that I can do that either. So which is the lesser of two evils, or is there a way to balance it so that I am not always in this psychotic tug of war?

As usual you can see that I am living in my head and that is what is getting me in trouble. If I could figure out how to turn the voices off I would be in such a better place. Alas, perhaps if I turned the voices off I would be lonely....you kinda get used to them after a while. Maybe that is why I can't because if I do then I have to be by myself and that is what truly scares me the most.

A little boredom never hurt anybody

Where did you take your default photo?
Christie's dining room

Who is the first & second person on your top 8?
Brat Boy Chris and Timber EEEanne

What exactly are you wearing right now?
sweats and a sleevless shirt

What is your current problem?
Too many to mention...

What makes you most happy?
my kitties

If you could go back in time, and change something, what would it be?
I would finish school earlier

Name an obvious quality you have?
Compassion and caring

What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
Not listening to a song...I am watching soap operas

Any celeb you would marry?
MARRIED!?!?!? No way in hell I'm getting married to anyone

Have someone with the same birthday as you?
I talk to them all the time...just don't know anybody personally

Do you have a crush on someone?
Thats for me to know and you to find out

Ever sang in front of a large audience?
What do you consider large?

Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Yes but I don't believe them

Do you speak any other languages?
A little french...and I sign


Have you ever ridden in a Hummer limo?
NO! But I should have....but I'm not bitter.....wait does it count if I talked to people on the phone who were in the hummer as I drove behind it? Oh I guess not.

Do you ever watch MTV?
When I was like 8 and they still showed music videos...oh yeah and if there is a real world marathon :-P

What's something that really bugs you?
Many things...being at home doing this survey on a friday night for one :-P

Initials:
SMD

Middle name:
Michelle

Current location:
Yankee Hill...in the bedroom

Hair length:
Short...even shorter when curly

Eye color:
Green Hazel

Do you live with your parents:
Yup

Do you get along with your parents:
Mostly

Are your parents married/separated/divorced?:
Yes...almost 30 years

Do you have any siblings?:
Robert Ray (or as I call him Booby Bobby)

Ice cream flavor:
Rocky Road

Clothing brand:
I'm not really a brand name kinda girl

Shampoo/conditioner:
Fructis

Do you write memos on your hand?
Uh huh

Call people back?
I would if anyone ever called me...mostly I get telemarketers or student loan consolidation people and NO I don't call them back

Believe in love:
Of course...something that hurts so bad has to be real

Sleep on a certain side of the bed?
Diagonal

Glasses or contacts?:
Glasses, only to read

Have any bad habits:
Biting my nails, forgetting my meds, procrastination, and many many more...

Gone skinny dipping?:
Yup

Broken a bone?
The question isn't if I have broken a bone, its which bone haven't I broken?

Had stitches?:
Only after being put in a straight jacket, and no I'm not kidding

Gone scuba diving?:
No :-(

Been stung by a jellyfish?:
Nope

Been stung by a bee?
Yes thank god I'm not allergic like my aunt

thrown up in a restaurant?:
Yes...don't remember why

Been to overnight camp?:
Yeah...science camp...and no not band camp :-)

Sworn in front of your parents?:
Yes...I'm a bad bad daughter

Had detention?:
Nope I was goody two shoes!

Been sent to the principal's office?:
Only to drop off paperwork

Who was the last Person to IM you?:
Bob

What did it say?
Good night, I love you too

Who was the last Person to call you?
Mom...though I did get a missed call from an unknown number

Person you hugged?:
Mom or Dad

Person you tackled?
I reserve the right to remain silent as the answer can and will incriminate me :-)

Thing you touched?:
Keyboard...DUH!

Thing you said:
DAMNIT why can't I get comfortable!

Thing you ate?:
Ice cream

Thing you drank?:
Water

Honesty is the best policy

Now that you have opened this you must fill it out yourself!!
Answer these questions honestly.


1. Honestly, what color is your underwear?
flesh...I try not to wear them if I can get away with it

2. Honestly, whats on your mind right now?
The paper due tomorrow that I have had 6 weeks to do which isn't done.

3. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
This survey and and then I am doing the paper till it is finished or I pass out...whichever comes first!

4. Honestly, what did you do today?
Went on an adventure down a country road I had never been down before....ended up sitting on a rock along a creek running under a covered bridge..went to the bank and got jamba juice....went to work and managed to have the worst day....yet I'm still smiling...I'll let you think about that one for a while :-)

5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
I'm beginning to.

6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
Define bad...I don't think so

7. Honestly, do you watch disney channel?
I do...I secretly like those teeny bopper shows like lizzie maguire

8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
no

9. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
My kitties

10. Honestly, do you bite your nails?
always have probably always will

11. Honestly, what is your mood right now?
restless

12. Honestly, have you had an eating disorder?
This is not the body of someone with an eating disorder :-)

13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
yes there are a lot of people I'd like to see

14. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
I have many secrets....I don't think they are dark though....the keep me mysterious :-)

15. Honestly, do you hate someone right now?
Yeah...unfortunately....I really wish I could be indifferent, it takes much less energy

16. Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?
I plead the 5th

17. Honestly, are you loyal?
Mostly?

18. Honestly, are you in denial?
Not now...I've visited but currently I'm digging reality way too much

19. Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now?
Ummmm....DUH! Who wouldn't?

20. Honestly, who is/are your best friend(s)?
Christina, Shawny, Deb, Brenty

21. Honestly, do you like someone?
Yeah...I have to admit I do

22. Honestly does anyone like you?
I think so...I hope so at least

23. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
I am the wrong person to ask about that

24. Honestly, do you smoke weed?
I have...but it really doesn't do much for me

25. Honestly, do you do drugs?
Caffeine...lots and lots of caffeine.

26. Honestly, have you ever drank/ will you ever drink alcohol?
Oh yeah! This is a certainty

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

Ok I've come to the point where I have to scream STOOOOOPPPPP!!!! I can't take anymore. I am so beyond past my limit of death that it isn't even funny. This week marks the passing of two of the last links that I had to the past 10 years. My beloved ree ree and old man dylan. I am beginning to wonder how I made it out of the last 10 years alive since there has been so much death in such a short time. Although, in actuality I am sure I have managed to kill off much more of myself then I am able to realize at this moment.



If you are reading this you're probably wondering what the hell I'm rambling about. I'll start with Old Man Dylan. Today we found out that his lungs are over 50% compromised with cancer (the dirtiest word in the english language if you ask me) and we are going to have to put him down tomorrow. Dylan was a present to me from my dad about in 1990. We were visiting my aunt's ranch in Livermore CA and there were some really tiny baby kittens that were abandoned. I carried this tiny baby boy around in my overalls all day and by the time it was time to go I was BEGGING my dad and mom to let me keep him. Well the answer was "no" so mom and I left and Dad was going to follow us later. He shows up at my grandmother's house 3 hours later with MY KITTEN! I was in love. This was right at the start of the 90210 craze and I was torn as to whether or not to name my baby after Dylan Mckay or Brandon Walsh. I think I made the right choice....anyway....by the time graduation and moving out came the cat was more of a family cat then my cat and it wasn't fair to drag him into new surroundings so I left him with my mom and dad. He was always happy to see me when I visited and even spent about 4 months with me at the apartment in Sac when my parents were moving. He won the heart of Ree Ree (even if she never gave in a bathed him like he wanted) and Ally. That is the one thing that Ree and Ally had in common, their love of the old man. He managed to assert his alpha male status even in his old age and often went to the door at night to make sure that everyone was in. And if one of the girls thought they were bigger and badder than him he could still kick their ass. I don't know how many times I came home in Sacramento to find Ree and Dylan rolling head over tail down the hall, neither one wanting to let go first....and he was 15 years old at that point! His relationship with Ally was a little different. I think she reminded him of his old friend Chloe but he realized that she was still a kitten so he took her under his wing (sometime literally) and taught her about love. Although he was a grumpy, cranky old man most often lately he still had the loudest purrer around.


As if that isn't bad enough (taking into considersation all of the loss that we have experienced in the last year alone) about a month ago my precious ree ree started not wanting to come in from outside. She would disappear for days at a time and everytime we found her she would be a thinner and thinner. If she would come in the house she would hide and then if we wouldn't let her back out she would pee on us. She was skiddish and anti social in a way she has never been before. Needless to say we were very scared that she might be sick so we took her to the vet and he said that she was in fine health. We figured maybe she just got scared from being outside during a recent thunderstorm. Well her strange behaviour continued and I figured that we should just let her be an outside cat. After all, I didn't save her from the dumpster to make her miserable. After a while when she did show up at the door she wouldn't eat and had gotten so skinny you could see her rib cage. As of today we haven't seen her for almost a week, which means that she probably hasn't eaten for that long since we haven't seen her hunting. I love this cat more than life itself and I don't know how I am going to live without her. She saved my life on more than one occasion and I am eternally endebted to my princess. Even if I never see her again I will always love her and will never forget my chubba kitty and our adventures.


Now....I would like to make a statement to whoever in the universe is listening. PLEASE give me a break. I don't think I can take anymore loss. People tell me that this is just a cleansing process to break my ties with the past and clear the way for a bright future but do you really have to take the only good things that I have had going for me? I know that I shouldn't be selfish. I had Dylan for 16 years and Ree Ree was there for me in some of the hardest times of my life. I have to be grateful for the time that I have had and let them move on to the things that they have to do elsewhere...after all this time I guess I still don't know how to do that.

Drink up!

How to make a Shan'chelle

Ingredients: 1 part jealousy 5 parts self-sufficiency 3 parts ego

Method: Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add lovability to taste! Do not overindulge!

Username:


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

I'm not really feelin it, this one's for B!

Girl Next Door


Small town homecoming queen
Shes the star in this scene
Theres no way to deny shes lovley
Perfect skin perfect hair
Perfumed hearts everywhere
Tell myself that inside shes ugly
Maybe I'm just jealous
I can't help but hate her
Secretly I wonder if my boyfriend wants to date her

She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sittin in the stands
She gets the top bunk I'm sleepin on the floor
Shes Miss America and I'm just the girl next door

Senior class president
She must be heaven sent
She was never the last one standing
A backseat debutaunt
Everything that you want
Never to harsh or too demanding
Maybe I'll admit it
I'm a little bitter
Everybody loves her but I just wanna hit her

She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sittin in the stands
She gets the top bunk I'm sleepin on the floor
Shes Miss America and I'm just the girl next door
Oh an I'm just the girl next door

I don't know why I'm feelin sorry for myself
I spend all my time wishin that I was someone else

She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sittin in the stands
I get A little bit she gets a little more
Shes Miss America and... she's Miss America
I'm just the girl next door...

I'm to sexy for this blog ;-)

You Are Girly Sexy

You're a youthful spirit, and your energy is infectious. Men love your innocence and lack of emotional baggage. You make every kiss seem like the first and every moment magical. How could any guy in his right mind resist that?

What Kind of Sexy Are You?

Anybody else feel like this?

Try it for yourself

Thanks Brooke! that was just what I needed!

Grandma's memorial

This last week has been a roller coaster of emotions. The one thing I have known without a doubt was that I needed to share something special about grandma with everyone so that she is not forgotten. I pushed myself to come up with something to say but couldn’t seem to come up with the right words to express the special bond that I had with this magnificent woman. It was not for lack of memories that I struggled; I have millions of those. I am lucky enough to have 28 years of memories. How do I sum up 28 years in a way that would make everyone understand the effect that she has had on me?

Not surprisingly it was in the bathroom this morning that an idea hit me. It does not surprise me because grandma potty trained me by sitting me on the toilet with a book and then she couldn’t get me out of there. This is where I do my best thinking. It is well known that anytime the family is looking for me I can likely be found in the bathroom, having gotten so absorbed in my book that I forget that I’m finished. My point being that as I was showering this morning I realized that what I need to share is not my memory of grandma but what she has taught me, and how in death she hasn’t stopped.

As we were going through pictures from grandma’s collection last night a picture of her that was taken in 1953 shocked me. The face staring back at me was my own. Grandma had told me the week before she passed that she wasn’t leaving me…she would still be all around me in the wind. I realize that this may be truer than I could comprehend. I see her when I look in the mirror. The truth is that she lives inside me and in the hearts and souls of every person that has ever known her and because of that she can never be forgotten.

I could stand up here and retell any one of the thousands of special moments that we shared but what would that actually mean to you? What does mean something to everyone in this room is your friend, your mother, and your grandmother is not gone. I believe with all my heart that by teaching me to love myself my grandmother has given the part of her in me a chance to make up for any regrets she may have had and to make the world a better place far into the future. I just hope that she knows that her first ladybug loves her mostly.

Soooooo True!

Hey all, sorry I haven't been around...its been crazy......I feel like I didn't even get a Spring Break and I ended up with most of the week off because Grandma died. I don't have time to go into everything now....hopefully will get a chance to update you again soon. For now my horoscope illustrates exactly how I'm feeling...

Shanda
Sun Sign: Aquarius Rising Sign: Sagitarius

March 24, 2006
Shanda, sometimes you feel like you are in a video game being played by a teenager who has no regrets about having you get eaten by a monster! Today you should try a new game: avoiding stress! Whether this concerns your career or your personal life, you need to find some neutral territory where you can actually relax. How about going over to a friend's house?