My Music

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Religion vs. Spirituality

The life of the individual only has meaning insofar as it aids in making the life of every living thing nobler and more beautiful. Life is sacred that is to say, it is the supreme value to which all other values are subordinate.
–Albert Einstein

The following story has been sitting in my e-mail box for some time waiting for me to get around to sharing it. I was raised christian but never went to church. As such I have never felt a very strong pull towards organized religion but that does not go to say I am not spiritual and that I don't believe in God. I spent about 2 years trying to "suspend my disbelief" at very aspects of the christian church as I searched for one that I felt a part of. I tried non denominational, lutheran, and catholic among others and never found one that embodied what I believe to be true. I tried to change my beliefs so that I could fit into a church (how silly is that) and just couldn't bring myself to do it. Spiritually speaking I am not so sure any of the organized religions out there have it completely right. I prefer to think that they all have some element of truth and a lot of story telling to fill in the gaps. Religion has always been tied to politics and most major doctrine of the church were man made not god made and are therefore fallible as is man.

Today's Inspirational Story

I Shopped for a Church...and Found Spirituality Instead

I have begun to form answers to questions that pelted me like big, fat raindrops when I first left the Catholic church.
By Nancy Colasurdo

The Rev. August Gold, equipped with a headset microphone, walks back and forth in front of her Sunday congregation as she speaks, waving red-tipped nails as she expresses a particularly passionate piece of her message. She is talking about The Goose Girl--a barely known fairy tale from the Brothers Grimm--and incorporating quotes from Caroline Myss, the Tao Te Ching and Buddha. Her cadence is captivating to her rapt audience. She is all light and wisdom.

"Stop blaming!" she implores, her eyes zeroing in on various congregants as she works the room. "Stuff happens." She laughs heartily at her own humor, spurring guffaws from her audience. She is clearly in her element, this compelling senior minister and spiritual director at the Sacred Center for Spiritual Living, a New Thought Church located in New York City. How fortunate I feel to have found this uplifting haven by happenstance, drawn in first by my personal affinity for the messenger and then riveted in a broader sense by the center's "right thinking" philosophy.

* * *

I decided three years ago it was time to divorce Catholicism. The priest scandal was the last straw. I had already departed from church doctrine on premarital sex, birth control, homosexuality, priests marrying, and abortion, among other things. With the scandal and its subsequent cover-ups, I finally got the courage to stand up and say, "No more. It's not for me." I vowed to do some church "shopping." I concentrated on visiting churches, rather than get bogged down reading mind-numbing comparisons and explanations of religions. What ensued was a full-blown spiritual journey that has been at once educational, jarring, inspiring and affirming.

I wanted a faith that is culturally diverse, guilt-free and non-judgmental. But did it exist? I gravitated to the idea of a Christian church, mainly because it was what I knew, but kept my mind open. I definitely didn't want to frequent a place run by flakes or spiritual snobs.

First up was Judson Memorial Church, a fixture in Greenwich Village since 1890 and known for tackling issues of conscience. I enjoyed the relaxed, congenial atmosphere and went back several times, partaking especially in the socializing before the service. Next I tried Marble Collegiate Church, the base from which Dr. Norman Vincent Peale launched far-reaching innovations in practical Christianity for 52 years. The grandeur of the church and the formality of the service felt familiar to this former Catholic, but as I sat there I had an overwhelming feeling that the structure no longer fit me.

In the meantime, in my work as a life coach I was helping several clients who had set ambitious, nurturing spiritual goals. One of them recommended I read the book Buddhism Plain & Simple by Steve Hagen. As I read it, I suddenly found the Eastern approach illuminating; I had spent almost 40 years with tunnel vision around Catholicism and hadn't learned much at all about other spiritual paths. Tentatively, I began to question Christianity.

Two incidents around that time punctuated my questioning. First, I applied for a job that required me to fill out a form containing a few optional questions. One of them asked that I check a box identifying my religious affiliation. "Christian" was the top choice. I read it and hesitated. What would have been automatic to me suddenly wasn't so obvious. I didn't check the box. Soon after, I turned down the opportunity to be godmother to my sister's child because it would have required me to join the local Catholic church. My conscience wouldn't let me do it. My cousin asked, "You wouldn't do it for her?" as she pointed to my infant niece. I decided in the long run that my niece will benefit from my presence as someone who stands up for what she believes.

Somewhere in this swirl, the journey had shifted from shopping for a church to shopping for spirituality. I can best trace it to what was happening at the used bookstore in my town, which had begun featuring Wednesday evening salons around spiritual themes. The staff brought in facilitators - sometimes local clergy - to lead discussions on such topics as mysticism, The DaVinci Code, dreams, meditation, and The Passion of the Christ. As a result, I began asking myself questions I never had the forethought or audacity to ask before: Who is divine to me? Is Christianity based on a belief (in Jesus' resurrection) that I just couldn't accept? Where does the Bible fit into my beliefs? Will I go to hell for all of this questioning?

Woven through my questioning was The Artist's Way, which I have read as both a student and a teacher. In the winter of 2003, I enrolled in a 12-week course based on the book--designed to unblock and unleash creativity via a spiritual path--and taught by its author, Julia Cameron. The class was held in a spacious, airy room on the Upper East Side through the Sacred Center for Spiritual Living; it took place on Sunday afternoons. Each week, as I attended my class, I began to notice people leaving a worship service as I was arriving. One day I decided to check it out.

* * *

That first Sunday, I watched with fascination as Rev. Gold delivered her message. I had never seen anyone command a room like that. I returned the following week. Truly, I had no idea what kind of service I was attending. I just knew it felt right in a place that rarely lets me down--my gut. In the weeks that followed, I listened to Iyanla Vanzant and Audrey Kitagawa of the United Nations give meaningful messages.

Once my Artist's Way class ended, though, my attendance at the Sacred Center began to drop off. It was only after the big questions I mentioned earlier-the ones that had emerged through those discussions at the bookstore--that I started to crave the feeling of rightness I had found at the Sacred Center. So it was nearly a year later, in the spring of 2004, that I returned full force.

Finally, I took the time to learn that I was in fact attending a New Thought church. I have since read up on it and, with the help of a wise friend who also attends the Sacred Center, am just beginning to understand why it speaks to me so. According to the Affiliated New Thought Network, "New a modern spiritual philosophy stressing the power of right thinking in a person's life, the idea that our thoughts and attitudes affect our experience and that God (or whatever other name a person might have for a Higher Power) is within the individual." Each Sunday, about 100 people come together for energizing song, guided meditation and a sermon-like message.

Perhaps most significantly, I have begun to form answers to questions that seemed to pelt me like big, fat raindrops when I first left the Catholic church. So here goes:

We are all divine. Christianity may be based on a belief I can't accept, but does any of us really know? I certainly no longer feel that worshipping or thinking like a Christian is positive or sensible for me. As for the Bible, it is filled with wisdom, but it was not written by the hierarchical God espoused in Judaism and Christianity. I will not go to hell for living a positive, purpose-filled life in which I take responsibility for my actions. In fact, the concepts of heaven and hell now seem contrived and man-made to me.

What I know unequivocally is that I feel deep peace when I attend the Sacred Center. New Thought doesn't ask me to discriminate, feel guilty, dwell on suffering, judge, worship a punishing God or be anyone I'm not. When Rev. Gold--or whoever else is delivering the message--stands at the front of the room and speaks, I settle in and enjoy the ride. I have begun to heighten my awareness of "right thinking" by reading books that augment my weekly experience. All of this has made me richer spiritually, more effective as a life coach, more likely to engage in healthy questioning, and essentially more evolved as a person.

I guess you could say that I set out merely window-shopping for a church and have emerged instead carrying a shopping bag filled with deeper spirituality. Assuredly, shopping for cashmere never felt this good.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Hmmm....this sounds familiar....

Ok, no more childish petty posts. I have heard this song on the radio several times lately and it always makes me laugh because it reminds me of "the band" (they know who they are!) I have a sneaking suspicion that many of you will relate with the message of this song also. Enjoy!

"Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off" by: Joe Nichols

She said: "I’m going out with my girlfriends.
"Margharitas at the Holiday Inn."
Oh, have mercy, my only thought,
Was Tequila makes her clothes fall off.

I told her: "Put an extra layer on."
I know what happens when she drinks Patron.
Her closet's missin' half the things she bought:
Yeah, Tequila makes her clothes fall off.

    She’ll start by kicking out of her shoes,
    Lose an ear-ring in her drink.
    Leave her jacket in the bathroom stall:
    Drop a contact down the sink.
    Them pantyhose aint gonna last too long,
    If the DJ puts Bon Jovi on.
    She might come home in a table cloth:
    Yeah, Tequila makes her clothes fall off.
    Oh oh.

Instrumental Break.

She can handle any champagne brunch:
A bridal shower with Bacardi punch.
Jello shooters full of Smirnoff,
But Tequila makes her clothes fall off.

    She’ll start by kicking out of her shoes,
    Lose an ear-ring in her drink.
    Leave her jacket in the bathroom stall:
    Drop a contact down the sink.

She don’t mean nothin', she's just havin fun.
Tomorrow she say: "Oh, what have I done?"
Her friends will joke about the stuff she lost:
Yeah, Tequila makes her clothes fall off.
Oh, Tequila makes her clothes fall off.
Oh, Tequila makes her clothes fall off.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Don't shoot the messenger

Life is what we make it. Always has been, always will be.

- Grandma Moses

Grandma Moses is a very smart woman. She understood taking personal responsibility for your actions. Things don't happen to you, you make things happen. That being said I do want to take the time for a little vocabulary lesson.

ru·mor (n.)
  1. A piece of unverified information of uncertain origin usually spread by word of mouth.
  2. Unverified information received from another; hearsay.
gos·sip (n.)
  1. Rumor or talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature.
  2. A person who habitually spreads intimate or private rumors or facts.
  3. Trivial, chatty talk or writing.
  4. A close friend or companion.
  5. Chiefly British. A godparent.
o·pin·ion (n.)
  1. A belief or conclusion held with confidence but not substantiated by positive knowledge or proof: “The world is not run by thought, nor by imagination, but by opinion” (Elizabeth Drew).
  2. A judgment based on special knowledge and given by an expert: a medical opinion.
  3. A judgment or estimation of the merit of a person or thing: has a low opinion of braggarts.
  4. The prevailing view: public opinion.
  5. Law. A formal statement by a court or other adjudicative body of the legal reasons and principles for the conclusions of the court.

With all the mutterings in my life about rumors and those vicious gossipers I thought I would post the dictionary definitions of these words to clear up any misunderstandings. If you notice rumors are not facts or personal observation. I would say that close friends and associates would not qualify as uncertain origin so the facts or personal observations of these people while techinically gossip do not constitute rumors. The fact remains that guilt is a human condition and as such we naturally try to cover up what we don't like about ourselves and our past actions. While this is understandable, does it really entitle a person to be upset when your past comes back to haunt them (as it invariably does)? I personally have done a lot of bad things in my life. I am no saint, and am not even going to try to claim that I will never do anything beyond reproach in remainder of my life. When someone observes and judges my actions I must admit that they are entitled to their opinion, even if I don't agree with it. Now when someone I don't want to know about my skeletons finds out do I have a right to get upset with the source that from which they obtained the information? No...I do not think I do. As an adult I have to take responsibility for my actions (including my choice to ignore or hide these facts in the first place) and realize that the truth hurts even more the longer you hold off on telling it or admitting it.

So that leads me to question, what happens when a so called "rumor" is actually a truth. We all know the saying "the truth hurts". People don't like to have the truth pointed out to them when they are trying so hard to ignore or bury it. I contend that you can never move on or grow out of your past until you accept your past and come to terms with it. Communication is the key to succesful personal relationships and living a life relatively free from the pain of lies, decption, and so called rumors. If you have nothing to hide, then you will not be affected by the rumors that seem to control you life when they are being spread around. Rumors don't tear lives apart, only your actions can do that.

Now about gossip. Friends and social circles often discuss their observations of those close to them in order to figure out how to help their loved ones. The word gossip has many negative connotations in our society, but as you can see from the definition below, there is nothing negative about the word gossip going by the definition. When the exchange of information is of a vindictive nature then I would agree that a gossip would be negative, however, that is not always the case.

The moral of this story is that I am 27+ years old and I have come to the conclusion that it is time to grow up and take responsibility for our lives. I am trying to do that, and I hope that everyone else will as well.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

The fine art of procrastination

All week I have known that I have a 2 page paper due tomorrow for my philosophy class. The topic was not a difficult one for me. I definitely have strong opinions upon the justification of the current Iraq war which is what we were supposed to argue. Why then did I wait until 11:30 on the Friday night before the assignment is due to write the paper. Maybe I thrive under pressure. Maybe I have been too stressed out to focus on it this week. Maybe I am just lazy. In any case, I have attached the final result which only really took me about an hour to write (even with a discussion with Christina on the major premises of my argument). I think it turned out pretty good. I mean it is what it is a two page paper (not a thesis or anything) but I got all my points across in what I think sounds like a logical and concise manner (the class is Introduction to Logic after all). I

Is the war in Iraq justified?

While I do not agree with the concept of war, I do understand there are certain circumstances in which there is justification for waging war, however, the current conflict in Iraq is not one of them. In addition to being costly and mishandled, the current war in Iraq is clearly unjustified in accordance with the fundamentals that our nation was founded upon. Our country was founded upon the principle of freeing our people from the oppression of government misrepresentation and tyranny. Our country’s history shows a variety of military encounters with and for other nations. Never in our history has there been more opposition worldwide to a military encounter. The reasons for this opposition vary, and all demonstrate solid premises for which the war is not a justified act on the part of the United States. Most importantly we are betraying our values and those that our forefathers defended in an attempt to ensure continuation of our freedom.

To explain why I believe this war is an unjustified travesty, I must first explain when war can be considered justified. There are very few occasions upon which one can claim that something as hateful and destructive as war is in order. The only way that a person should consider the war to be a valid option is if all peaceful alternatives had been exhausted. Since this is not the case, the war is not justified. The ideology of going to war to instill peace is oxymoronic. Peace cannot be promoted by hateful acts of violence. When you are attacked, you do have an obligation to defend yourself. We cam all agree that the United States was attacked, however, this was not an act perpetrated by the “evil forces” that we purport to be defending ourselves, and the world, from currently. In fact, we have consistently ignored the actual threat that exists against the western world, and have bred an even more valid contempt by imposing our values onto the societies that have a completely different outlook on life that we do. Our country was founded on the pluralistic values of freedom from tyranny. Ironically by fighting this war we are becoming the imperialistic dictators that we fought so hard to free ourselves of.

A dictatorship is a type of government that imposes its will by force in the face of all opposition. This is the type of regime that we are supposed to be protecting the Iraqi people from, however, how is this justifiable when we are doing this against the advice of the rest of the world and the will of the Iraqi people. We are imposing western culture in an area that has not asked us for this “favor”. In doing so we are killing thousands of people in the process. How is this different from the atrocities committed by Saddam Hussein who had done nothing to our people? Additionally, how come it is justifiable to attack the man that we put into power for our own selfish purposes and nurtured into becoming the tyrant he was. At the same time the truly evil people who we should be directing our anger at are roaming freely through the deserts of Afghanistan.

I attempted to approach this topic from the opposite viewpoint in order to see how my argument could be invalidated; however, there is no factual evidence in existence that serves as justification for this war. Firstly, I have already demonstrated in the previous paragraphs that we are not there to instill freedom. Secondly, there are no weapons of mass destruction. There were never any weapons of mass destruction. If there were, and they were destroyed, there would have been tremendous repercussions for the world. We would have felt it around the world if these nuclear weapons were removed from this earth. Lastly, not one person of Iraqi descent was on the plane that attacked our world trade center. They have no link to Al Qaeda, and Saddam Hussein while he may be evil, did nothing but try to cooperate with the requests of the United Nations. Our government is either scrambling to find a premise for war that our society will accept, or they are becoming paranoid by the tremendous fear and propaganda that they have been feeding our nation. The attack on the World Trade Center was an attack on Western Culture, not an attack on America specifically. It is repulsive to me that a government can play upon the sorrow of a nation in order to advance its selfish desires. If this was an attempt to fell the United States how can you explain the fact that since September 11, 2001 not one terrorist attack has taken place on US soil? The explanation cannot be that we are defending ourselves so well because we are sending massive amounts of money and resources to the middle of the desert to supposedly “defend the liberty” of a people who don’t want us there in the first place. As a result we have little protection on US soil. We have laws being passed and departments of homeland security being set up but we can’t even manage to protect ourselves from natural disasters. How can we expect to have the resources to protect if someone actually wanted to attack us? As we continue to ingratiate ourselves, and our ideals, upon the world the probability of us being attacked again increases only because we are breeding a new class of terrorists who feel they need to defend their values against a dictator who is telling them how to live.

In conclusion, all premises of starting and continuing this travesty have been proven to be nothing more than a fallacy. Because these premises are not valid, the argument that the war is justified is false. Our government has told so many lies to get us into this conflict for the gain of a few very rich, and very powerful politicians that they cannot turn back. We will continue to be lied to unless we stand up and say no more. They do not actually believe what they are saying, however, they hold no intention of ever admitting to any wrongdoing. If we do not put a stop to this, we set ourselves up to lose the freedoms, and the lifestyle that so many of us take for granted.

Friday, September 23, 2005

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is "Wrong"

Ironically enough Christina's family (the most progressive people I know) showed me the "light" as to why gays should not marry...oh wait, is that sarcasm I smell?

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and o! ld people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it. ~ Mark Twain


Here's the Story of the Day:
Original Drawing #1711-Boxed Book Set
The world didn't change all that much that day, except now we believe our government is a force for good, but I suspect the facts will correct that one in the very near future

Thursday, September 22, 2005

This week's Motto

Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go.

- Sylvia Robinson

Thank you all for putting up with my ranting and raving. I don't know what it is but I have let myself become very bitchy and cynical as of late. Maybe its that time of the month but my attitude about everything is if you don't like how I am tough, I'm not changing for you. Its not necessarily a bad thing for me, normally I think I'm too nice. I wanted to share a quote that I found that personifies the lesson I have learned this week. Stay strong and let it go!

Story of the day

Do you ever listen to me? she said & I said I did but sometimes it took a couple of days to sort it out in a way that didn't make me want to murder her in her sleep.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Now THAT was funny....

I discovered a really funny blog that I wanted to take the time to share. I also wanted to thank K.O.W. for taking the time to comment so that I would have the opportunity to find something to really laugh about, I really needed it. Who says theres not someone looking out for me :-) Oh wait, that was me.....oops

With so much unrest in the world of blog and reality alike it is always good to take time out to laugh each day. Never feel guilty for your laughter, it is one of the only true freedoms in this world! That being said, I think I am going to plan the party that is described in the post I have linked you to. Check it out!



Ok...thats it. I've taken all I can take and I am not going to fucking take anymore. I am really fucking tired of being asked if I'm a stalker or told that I take things to heart. I just want it to stop. I don't need or want the protection you hypocritical bastards have to offer. Get off your moral high horses and take care of your own lives, god knows it needs the attention more than I do anyway! I moved to get away from this shit and if you don't care enough about me to be a real friend I suggest you walk away and never look back.

I am also tired of people telling others that I take things seriously so you better be careful what you say to me, because its bullshit. That brings up a good point that Christina "why is taking something that affects you seriously considered wrong anyway?" Maybe people don't understand it because they don't have a heart? I don't know. The people saying this know who they are and also should realize that you don't know shit about me, nor do you give a shit about me so stop pretending that you do its getting really old. I didn't ask for anybody's advice, so why don't we try something novel and not give it. As for the stalking, you aren't worth the price of gas so I wouldn't waste my time.

Thirdly, I'm really fucking fed up with being accused of knowing stuff that I shouldn't. I am a really observant and intelligent person but it doesn't fucking take a rocket scientist to come to the conclusions that I do, or to remember what I'm told. For LeMorse....Christina doesn't tell me shit because she doesn't want to hurt me anymore than I already am. Everything I know is because you fucking told me over the last three years. Just because you don't remember doesn't mean you didn't, and just because you think you have only told other people (while I'm sure there is a lot of stuff this would be true about) your deep dark "secrets" just goes to show your delusional and paranoid, not just delusional. You need to get over yourself and deal with your guilty concious rather than worrying about what I know and don't know.

Its not me who has the problem, its you who are the problem so if you don't want me in your life stay out of mine. Don't fucking make people think you are avoiding me or trying to hide from me when the truth is that you aren't except when people are around. Then you get off on making people believe I'm crazy and psychotic.

To those of you who think I'm crazy and psychotic, you ain't seen nothing yet. Try me...

Sunday, September 18, 2005

I love you mostly grandma

A Tale of Two Cities

It continues to amaze me the difference a person's education plays in the way a person views the world around them. As I attempt to adapt my lifestyle to an area of the country in which my personal points of view are the minority it proves to be more and more difficult for me to do. Maybe this is why it has never been more apparent to me that education plays a key role in the way a person views the world. That being said he who imparts or teaches the education holds tremendous power and responsibility as the effect of the knowledge they impart will be with their pupils for the rest of their life.

I guess where I am having a problem is that I remember clearly my education. I remember watching educational movies that depicted horrible living conditions and hopelessness in the worlds poorest nations. I remember thinking that the economists viewpoints depicted in these films were ludicrous and could not believe that anyone could really believe the tripe that was coming out of these people's mouths. Imagine how difficult it is for me now that I am sitting in economics class hearing some of the same things coming out of my teacher's mouth. Don't get me wrong. I can see some of the points that he makes, however, that makes it even harder for me to stay focused however because that means it is his ideologies that I am not able to accept, rather than the information he is trying to impart. How do you argue with that and would there be any point in arguing since I represent the extreme minority viewpoint now?

Maybe this is a test. Maybe it is an opportunity for me to develop my ideals and find a way to defend them in the face of opposition. I know well that I need to improve my argumentative style, maybe thatis what I was put here to do. This brings me to a very cool quote that I have to learn for my philosopy (logic class).

"He who knows only one side of an argument knows neither"

I am trusting in the fact that this is my task. I am the first to admit that I find it extremely difficult to understand (and accept) the opposing viewpoint. I would like to be able to accurately say it is because the argument is unsound, however, at this point in time I can not always do that.

That brings me back to my economics class. I found myself becoming frustrated by the subject matter yesterday. We were talking about the economic state of the US and how the GDP gap keeps growing wider every year. This brought us to a discussion of poverty. It is ridiculous to me to compare poverty levels between the richest and poorest countries, yet that is what we were doing. I can't even begin to comprehend how this remains a problem in a country that produces so much per capita. If the wealthiest country in the world faces the problem of a high percentage its population living in poverty how is it that we do not expect some of the poorest countries in the world to have this problem on a grander scale. Isn't it incorrect to assume that the solution to closing the gap is not to increase poverty levls worldwide but to overcome poverty on a whole. I know that what I talk about is easier said than done, however, that is where we as a society have the responsibility of analyzing why we consider that to be so. How difficult is it to be less selfish, more compassionate, and more giving? I know some would argue that it is VERY DIFFICULT (impossible even) to get everyone to agree to help out their fellow man. I would argue "how much wealth does one person realistically need or even deserve? I mean really, doesn't there come a point where you can't spend any more money on yourself? Doesn't there dawn a time when you have everything that you could possibly need??? I guess I have an easier time accepting this because I am not a wealthy person, or at least that would be what my opposition would imply. I personally think it is because care about making the world a better place, no matter how idealistic my views of the world may be.

In conclusion, I have the daunting task of broadening my horizons and learning something new. I will continue to keep you up to date on my progress in this endeavor. Keep an eye open for my first philosophy assignment in which I am supposed to argue if the war in Iraq is justified. This should be interesting ;-) I will post my essay online so you can comment as usual :-P

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Breaking away

Angels sometimes block our path because we are heading in the wrong direction.

- Ann Spangler,
"An Angel a Day"

Saturday, September 10, 2005

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): There is intensity in your interaction with friends or family today as unexpected outbursts of energy can leave you wondering what happened. You have the ability to transform a difficult situation into something very positive as long as you are not attached to one specific outcome. It can be a trick to balance pointed intention with flexibility. If you can do this now, then you can do anything.

The thing I hate about being regular in my cycles is that I can fortell when I will have days such as these. In fact, I often bring them on after a bout of particularly happy circumstances. In my previous post I mentioned how someone had scared the crap out of me and I didn't know how to handle it. I figured out what I had to do and I did it....but it doesn't mean that it was easy on me. I wish I could say that I did it for the right reasons but I really did it to save myself from the pain and agony that would have only been worse if I had continued on my path. That brings me to the quote and horoscope above. I woke up today with a vague recollection of what I had said last night and knew that the response would be swift in that I would not hear from this person again. Its not that I wanted this to happen, just that I knew no way around it. That started me out on a very sad note today...turns out the cell phone I JUST got replaced was broken again so I decided to head into town to get it fixed. It would help me keep my mind off of what was going on and it was a beautiful day for a drive. It took a LONG time to get Verizon to exchange my phone and I was hungry. I wasn't ready to go home so I stopped at Subway where I inadvertantly hurt my mother's feelings. It was not intended and I felt very badly that she felt this way so I decided to go to wal-mart so I could find her a prize to take her. First I was going to give the library a shot to see if they were open on a Sunday. They weren't. When I got to Wal-Mart I wandered around the entire store and ended up buying my mom's gift and a new cd for myself. I have been trying to find Kelly Clarkson's song "Since You Been Gone" on the internet and have not found a good copy so I broke down and bought it :-P I had been listening to depressing music because I forgot my positive music at work so when I popped the cd in on the way home I was shocked to hear a song I had heard before but never really listened to. It was exactly what I was feeling. I got home and read an e-mail from a very good friend. It gave me the needed perspective I was looking for. Thanks Bobi! The just of it was: "What you need to understand is you are in control of your life, to accept help and not allow conditions, or to do it on your own and struggle a bit, and it's up to you to whether you allow "judgement" to come into play. You judge yourself much harsher than anyone else ever could, and that is your true issue." So did I do the right thing? I am absolutely positive that I did. Will people understand? Who cares....that is their problem not mine. I have to take care of myself.

Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway


Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

Hiding in plain sight

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): You could attempt to hide your feelings today out of necessity, for you know they won't be well received by others. Of course this adds to your frustration, but it's not a long-lasting problem. There are enough things to deal with that you really won't have too much time to focus on your desires. Let them go before you get yourself into unneeded trouble.

Well, who am I to hide my feelings ;-) I know its not rational, but this song struck a nerve too not that it is about anybody in particular. It seems I might have missed another breakup song so I'll give this one an honorable mention and get back to posting the top 10 tomorrow:

"I Hate Myself For Losing You"

I woke up today
Woke up wide awake
In an empty bed
Staring at an empty room
I have myself to blame
For the state I'm in today
And now dying
Doesn't seem so cruel
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway

I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?

You got what you deserved
Hope you're happy now
'Cause everytime I think of her with you
It's killing me
Inside, and
Now I dread each day
Knowing that I can't be saved
From the loneliness
Of living without you
And, oh
I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew

I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?

I hate myself for losing you
And oh, I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
No, no

I hate myself for losing you
(I'm seeing it all so clear)
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
What do you say when everything's said?
Is the reason why he left you in the end?
How do you cry when every tear you shed
Won't ever bring him back again?
I hate myself for loving you

Saturday, September 10, 2005

A week in review

Wow....its been quite a week. Work is chugging along, and I have been getting more sleep than I could possibly need (for the most part) but I have also been working hard on staying positive and finding a way to realize my dreams. In the meantime I have spent some time chatting with some friends. It never ceases to amaze me the people that can be right under your nose for years that you fail to recognize or take the time to get to know. And I don't know why, but it doesn't cease to amaze me how you can long for something (and become so preoccupied with achieving it) that when one of these people lay it in front of you as an option or a challenge you can recoil almost instantly in fear. This has happened to me more than once this week. I make no pretenses about knowing how I want to live my life. I have a vague concept of what I want to achieve but really am still quite lost on how to get there or who to go with. So tell me, how is it that I can become so frightened and apprehensive when someone confirms my desires and their desire to make it happen?

Ok I know that I am rambling, and that this doesn't make a lot of sense to anybody except maybe Cjristina but I needed to get it out of my head. I feel as if I am in a really good place and that I am ready to forge on with my life, but there is always something holding me back (and surprisingly it is not what is usually holding me back...) Anyway, I started school this week. Unexpectedly, it was not hard for me to wake up this morning (I think because the weather is finally turning colder and it is a lovely overcast day outside...oh yeah and since I fell asleep at 9 o'clock last night!). I have finished one class this morning (Introduction to Logic) and am killing time while I wait for my next class to start (Principles of Microeconomics). My logic class was phenomenal (not to mention we have a hot grad student t.a. that I wouldn't mind getting to know ;->). When I walked in I struck up a conversation with the other people in the class (which is new for me, usually I just sit in the corner and don't say anything.....who says I'm not making progress) and I enjoyed the debate that ensued. As for my microeconomics class I do not know if I am so optomistic. We'll see how it goes.

So where do I go from here? Hopefully, that will soon become clear to me. Until then I plan to work towards my freedom from debt and dependency. The next eight weeks will be difficult because I will be in effect working 6 days a week, but hopefully my newfound friends and classmates will make the journey all the more enjoyable.

By the way, I am typing on an amazing keyboard right now. The keys are very crisp and clean and it just makes me want to buy a new one. Actually, I already wanted to buy a new one because I want a wireless keyboard and mouse so I never have to leave my bed (muwahahaha). Doesn't that sound just divine?

I guess thats all I have to say for now. Until next time remember: "Common sense is not so common. -Voltaire"

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

We interrupt this breakup music list for a positive moodswing the weekend was kind of a blur. It wasn't all great (for reasons I can't go into) but I did find out who my friends are. I also gained confidence because despite the hard time I had dealing with some of it everyone said I looked fantastic! So I have been making an effort to move on and focus on the positive. By the way, yes NYM I had more than one drink and enjoyed myself immensely in the process. I am a cute happy least I was this weekend. By the way, how is it that when you see a drunk girls friends trying to drag her out of a bar that everyone in the path offers her more free alcohol? Interesting stuff....ok, here's my new favorite song :-)








Excuse my language but what a THATCHER

I can not BELIEVE the article that I just read on yahoo. I am going to post it here. I can't believe why it does not cease to amaze me the stupidity of our government and politicians, read on:

John Nichols Tue Sep 6, 1:08 PM ET

The Nation -- Finally, we have discovered the roots of George W. Bush's "compassionate conservatism."
click here

On the heels of the president's "What, me worry?" response to the death, destruction and dislocation that followed upon Hurricane Katrina comes the news of his mother's Labor Day visit with hurricane evacuees at the Astrodome in Houston.

Commenting on the facilities that have been set up for the evacuees -- cots crammed side-by-side in a huge stadium where the lights never go out and the sound of sobbing children never completely ceases -- former First Lady Barbara Bush concluded that the poor people of New Orleans had lucked out.

"Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this, this is working very well for them," Mrs. Bush told American Public Media's "Marketplace" program, before returning to her multi-million dollar Houston home.

On the tape of the interview, Mrs. Bush chuckles audibly as she observes just how great things are going for families that are separated from loved ones, people who have been forced to abandon their homes and the only community where they have ever lived, and parents who are explaining to children that their pets, their toys and in some cases their friends may be lost forever. Perhaps the former first lady was amusing herself with the notion that evacuees without bread could eat cake.

At the very least, she was expressing a measure of empathy commensurate with that evidenced by her son during his fly-ins for disaster-zone photo opportunities.

On Friday, when even Republican lawmakers were giving the federal government an "F" for its response to the crisis,
President Bush heaped praise on embattled
Federal Emergency Management Agency chief Michael Brown. As thousands of victims of the hurricane continued to plead for food, water, shelter, medical care and a way out of the nightmare to which federal neglect had consigned them, Brown cheerily announced that "people are getting the help they need."

Barbara Bush's son put his arm around the addled FEMA functionary and declared, "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job."

Like mother, like son.

Even when a hurricane hits, the apple does not fall far from the tree.

Like this article? Try 4 issues of The Nation at home (and online) FREE.

Speaking of which now we know where he gets it from....this would be the appropriate response in my opinion

Friday, September 2nd, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush:

Any idea where all our helicopters are? It's Day 5 of Hurricane Katrina and thousands remain stranded in New Orleans and need to be airlifted. Where on earth could you have misplaced all our military choppers? Do you need help finding them? I once lost my car in a Sears parking lot. Man, was that a drag.

Also, any idea where all our national guard soldiers are? We could really use them right now for the type of thing they signed up to do like helping with national disasters. How come they weren't there to begin with?

Last Thursday I was in south Florida and sat outside while the eye of Hurricane Katrina passed over my head. It was only a Category 1 then but it was pretty nasty. Eleven people died and, as of today, there were still homes without power. That night the weatherman said this storm was on its way to New Orleans. That was Thursday! Did anybody tell you? I know you didn't want to interrupt your vacation and I know how you don't like to get bad news. Plus, you had fundraisers to go to and mothers of dead soldiers to ignore and smear. You sure showed her!

I especially like how, the day after the hurricane, instead of flying to Louisiana, you flew to San Diego to party with your business peeps. Don't let people criticize you for this -- after all, the hurricane was over and what the heck could you do, put your finger in the dike?

And don't listen to those who, in the coming days, will reveal how you specifically reduced the Army Corps of Engineers' budget for New Orleans this summer for the third year in a row. You just tell them that even if you hadn't cut the money to fix those levees, there weren't going to be any Army engineers to fix them anyway because you had a much more important construction job for them -- BUILDING DEMOCRACY IN IRAQ!

On Day 3, when you finally left your vacation home, I have to say I was moved by how you had your Air Force One pilot descend from the clouds as you flew over New Orleans so you could catch a quick look of the disaster. Hey, I know you couldn't stop and grab a bullhorn and stand on some rubble and act like a commander in chief. Been there done that.

There will be those who will try to politicize this tragedy and try to use it against you. Just have your people keep pointing that out. Respond to nothing. Even those pesky scientists who predicted this would happen because the water in the Gulf of Mexico is getting hotter and hotter making a storm like this inevitable. Ignore them and all their global warming Chicken Littles. There is nothing unusual about a hurricane that was so wide it would be like having one F-4 tornado that stretched from New York to Cleveland.

No, Mr. Bush, you just stay the course. It's not your fault that 30 percent of New Orleans lives in poverty or that tens of thousands had no transportation to get out of town. C'mon, they're black! I mean, it's not like this happened to Kennebunkport. Can you imagine leaving white people on their roofs for five days? Don't make me laugh! Race has nothing -- NOTHING -- to do with this!

You hang in there, Mr. Bush. Just try to find a few of our Army helicopters and send them there. Pretend the people of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast are near Tikrit.


Michael Moore

P.S. That annoying mother, Cindy Sheehan, is no longer at your ranch. She and dozens of other relatives of the Iraqi War dead are now driving across the country, stopping in many cities along the way. Maybe you can catch up with them before they get to DC on September 21st

Friday, September 02, 2005

Can you believe the price of gas?

Ok I know this is not an original thought but I got this from a friend and it made me laugh. Thought I would share.

Anyone wanna buy an organ? I'm selling them real cheap so I can get gas money to go out of town this weekend ;-)

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Well doesn't that just figure....

Thanks again to LDH

Your power is: Extreme healing powers

Explanation: When injured your body
focuses on the wound and heals rapidly, within
a few seconds. This makes you pretty much hard
to kill and you can help people in danger using
yourself as a shield. Almost anything is
possible in combat but you prefer looking after
others. In bad purposes you can do the same as
above but for evil intentions.
This power fits you pretty good since you want
to help those around you, and when you are
pretty much unstopable, that's not an obsticle.
You are caring and nurturing and are more a
pascifist. Even if you know there are much
unfairness in the world you still chose to see
from a positive angle because you belive in the
good of this world. You are probably friendly
and have a soft spot for people who are not
accepted. Though to others you come of as naive
and gullible. You could be taken advantagde of
if the wrong person comes around. Even if you
could be seen as pure, you are not that
completely since you're human and make mistakes

Negative aspects: If your naiveness has
been making you blind for too long you could go
into dark thinking.

What Power is Compatible With You? [beautiful anime pictures + 12 detailed results]
brought to you by Quizilla

Oh boy! A new meme....its all the rage :-)

Ok I actually stumbled across by clicking on a link from a blog on my list. Thanks to LBH of Impenetrable Prose and Poesy for the fantastic idea. Here's how it works:

A. Go to
B. Enter the year you graduated from high school in the search function.
C. Bold for the songs you like, strike through the ones you hate and underline your favorite (to use the strike through and underline functions you have to use Microsoft Word to make your list then copy it into your blog). Do nothing to the ones you don't remember (or don't care about)

1. Macarena (Bayside Boys Mix), Los Del Rio
2. One Sweet Day, Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men
3. Because You Loved Me, Celine Dion
4. Nobody Knows, Tony Rich Project
5. Always Be My Baby, Mariah Carey
6. Give Me One Reason, Tracy Chapman
7. Tha Crossroads, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
8. I Love You Always Forever, Donna Lewis
9. You're Makin' Me High / Let It Flow, Toni Braxton
10. Twisted, Keith Sweat
11. C'mon N' Ride It (The Train), Quad City Dj's
12. Missing, Everything But The Girl
13. Ironic, Alanis Morissette
14. Exhale (Shoop Shoop), Whitney Houston
15. Follow You Down / Til I Hear It From You, Gin Blossoms
16. Sittin' Up In My Room, Brandy
17. How Do U Want It / California Love, 2Pac
18. It's All Coming Back To Me Now, Celine Dion
19. Change The World, Eric Clapton
20. Hey Lover, LL Cool J
21. Loungin, LL Cool J
22. Insensitive, Jann Arden
23. Be My Lover, La Bouche
24. Name, Goo Goo Dolls
25. Who Will Save Your Soul, Jewel
26. Where Do You Go, No Mercy
27. I Can't Sleep Baby (If I), R. Kelly
28. Counting Blue Cars, Dishwalla
29. You Learn / You Oughta Know, Alanis Morissette
30. One Of Us, Joan Osborne
31. Wonder, Natalie Merchant
32. Not Gon' Cry, Mary J. Blige
33. Gangsta's Paradise, Coolio
34. Only You, 112 Featuring The Notorious B.I.G.
35. Down Low (Nobody Has To Know), R. Kelly
36. You're The One, SWV
37. Sweet Dreams, La Bouche
38. Before You Walk Out Of My Life / Like This And Like That, Monica
39. Breakfast At Tiffany's, Deep Blue Something
40. 1, 2, 3, 4 (Sumpin' New), Coolio
41. The World I Know, Collective Soul
42. No Diggity, BLACKstreet (Featuring Dr. Dre)
43. Anything, 3t
44. 1979, The Smashing Pumpkins
45. Diggin' On You, TLC
46. Why I Love You So Much / Ain't Nobody, Monica
47. Kissin' You, Total
48. Count On Me, Whitney Houston and Cece Winans
49. Fantasy, Mariah Carey
50. Time, Hootie and The Blowfish
51. You'll See, Madonna
52. Last Night, Az Yet
53. Mouth, Merril Bainbridge
54. The Earth, The Sun, The Rain, Color Me Badd
55. All The Things (Your Man Won't Do), Joe
56. Wonderwall, Oasis
57. Woo-hah!! Got You All In Check / Everything Remains Raw, Busta Rhymes
58. Tell Me, Groove Theory
59. Elevators (Me and You), Outkast
60. Hook, Blues Traveler
61. Doin It, LL Cool J
62. Fastlove, George Michael
63. Touch Me Tease Me, Case Featuring Foxxy Brown
64. Tonite's Tha Night, Kris Kross
65. Children, Robert Miles
66. Theme From Mission: Impossible, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen
67. Closer To Free, Bodeans
68. Just A Girl, No Doubt
69. If Your Girl Only Knew, Aaliyah
70. Lady, D'angelo
71. Key West Intermezzo (I Saw You First), John Mellencamp
72. Pony, Ginuwine
73. Nobody, Keith Sweat
74. Old Man and Me (When I Get To Heaven), Hootie and The Blowfish
75. If It Makes You Happy, Sheryl Crow
76. As I Lay Me Down, Sophie B. Hawkins
77. Keep On, Keepin' On, Mc Lyte
78. Jealousy, Natalie Merchant
79. I Want To Come Over, Melissa Etheridge
80. Who Do U Love, Deborah Cox
81. Un-Break My Heart, Toni Braxton
82. This Is Your Night, Amber
83. You Remind Me Of Something, R. Kelly
84. Runaway, Janet Jackson
85. Set U Free, Planet Soul
86. Hit Me Off, New Edition
87. No One Else, Total
88. My Boo, Ghost Town Dj's
89. Get Money, Junior M.A.F.I.A.
90. That Girl, Maxi Priest Featuring Shaggy
91. Po Pimp, Do Or Die
92. Until It Sleeps, Metallica
93. Hay, Crucial Conflict
94. Beautiful Life, Ace Of Base
95. Back For Good, Take That
96. I Got Id / Long Road, Pearl Jam
97. Soon As I Get Home, Faith Evans
98. Macarena, Los Del Rio
99. Only Wanna Be With You, Hootie and The Blowfish
100. Don't Cry, Seal

Ok y' know what to do. Steal away :-)

Is it Friday yet?

Impossible Position
Story of the day courtesy of ""
Impossible yoga position but she likes to have goals that no one else can imagine, so they'll shut up about how they understand exactly what she's going through there is 3 hours 21 minutes and 30 seconds until it is Friday and it can't come fast enough. I am so tired of this week and can not wait until I can let go of some of this stress. Its been a really rough night, and I can't really go into details but I am emotionally spent. Life has sucked this week (mostly) but the worst part is that there is nothing anyone can do to make it better.

On another note I spoke with a guy on the phone today from Ft. Oglethorpe Florida. It made me laugh because that is the name of the group of friends pictured above. The picture kinda jinxed the group I think, but life goes on.