My Music

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Sunday, April 27, 2008

The BandAid Theory

Courtesy of my fellow "RTsian" Rizzo some good advice that I feel needs to be passed on :-)


In our lives we have relationships: good, bad, amazing, ugly, stupid, a week or a few years, but mostly all are life changing. Maybe life changing in a small way. Maybe, now, you always remember to tell the person you like something nice everyday, or maybe something changed you as a whole person. Either way when we are in a relationship that ends, few of us are immediately "ok". I have had 1 in about a million where we were both just wanting out and back to being just friends. And that guy and I never even kissed, so we were basically never much more then friends. Point is, you get hurt. No matter if you were the one broken up with or the one doing the breaking up, it all hurts. And since mommy isn't around to kiss our wounds and make us feel all better, we ALL do what comes naturally... enter the bandaid.
Now don't get me wrong, they are great. Come in many different forms. They could be a drink or 12 lol, hanging out with friends all hours of the day, a brand new person to help get over the old one, and unfortunently sometimes it can be hurting the person that hurt you with mean words or actions. Mostly, the band aid helps ease the pain and helps you forget the pain while you heal. Here is our problem...
Bandaids are supposed to come off. Wether you chose the good bandaids, or the bad ones, they are not permenant. sorry i can't spell :) . The drinking should subside, alone time should start to feel good again, you realize you don't need to date everyone that gives you attention and the hurtful words should be followed with a sorry and never said again. You need to cry, you need to talk to people, you need to lay alone in bed and wake up to noone. It will hurt. But the bandaid won't come off easily. Taking bandaids off still sucks. And too often we make them more like a skin grapht. Then we just start stock piling bandaids and stick them over eachother, one by one until our original scar is so covered up, you don't even know if it's any better, if the bandaids did their job.
And it's ok to take them off at your own pace. Maybe fast is your thing. Maybe you would rather get it over with and let the wound get some air, and start healing now. And if you want to take it off slowly, that's ok too, it's your bandaid. But remember, breaking up with someone, no matter how much it sucks and no matter how much you didn't want it, always comes with a free lesson. And if you are so busy covering your hurt up and recovering with yet another band aid, you will never see it. You'll never grow and the next relationship you are in, and yes, you will be in another one, you'll be the same hurt person you were at the end of the last one, or the one before that.
So it's ok to be mad, and hurt and scared, but take some you time, learn, grow, heal and for god's sake, take your band aids off before you put the next one on.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Word of the day - Nougatocity

Wow...its been a long time since I've sat down and actually wrote anything on here. I think that is because my life has been filled with so much crap going on that I really have had no motivation to do anything. I realized this the other day when I got a Snicker's bar that gave a word to describe something I have felt more than once over this past semester. If you are wondering about the subject of this blog I will tell you that nougatocity is: "A fleeting yet exhilarating sense of accomplishment that makes you realize just how unmotivated you actually are".

We have less than 40 days left and I have so much to do and so much to pay for but all I feel like doing is locking myself in my room and sleeping. That being said I am ready for my 2 year "abstinence" from partying like its 1999 to end. I realized this at Shawny and Dan's wedding where I had so much fun...even if I didn't always have control of my emotions. I haven't had fun like that in a very long time. I will always be grateful to my mom and dad and grandma for bringing me up here and whipping me into shape (as much as they possibly could)....and I love the people I have met up here, it is just not the same. I think its because I haven't let it BE the same for fear that I would lose my momentum and flunk out of the program. I am sorry for that Chico people. I would love to hang out more and go out and party but truth be told I just don't have the constitution to multi task my partying any more...I'm too old for that shit :-) Actually, if the wedding could have been a couple of weeks later it probably would have been better since it has been REALLY hard to get back into the swing of things this week. My mind is a bit obsessive and once it gets on a certain wavelength it is REALLY hard for me to turn it off and move on. I was hoping that this might have faded over the past 2-3 years but I guess not. Just means I have to work harder and remember to take my medicine ;-) In the meantime I just drive myself crazy with my thought process until it finally fades....hopefully for my patients tomorrow it will be soon :-)

So whats the plan after school.....this is the question that I am getting from EVERYONE. People I meet for the first time find out I'm graduating and the first thing they ask is "what next?" I have had so many plans over the past year or two that I really don't know what to say. I always lead off with "I guess that depends on if I actually pass my tests" which depending on the day is a big maybe :-) I guess the most honest thing to say is that I really want to get out of the Chico/Oroville area. Not because it is a bad place to be, but there is not a lot of job opportunity, I don't like how the hospitals are run, and I just have never let it feel like home. I have never gotten the opportunity to travel very far so I think it would be REALLY cool to do a travelling RT where they place you in different parts of the country (or sometimes even internationally) for 6-12 months at a time. I will need some experience for that and I think I would eventually like to get a bachelor's degree before I do that so I am hoping to get on with a hospital in Sacramento or Stockton so that I can be closer to my "old" friends and not so far from my family and "new" friends. I will apply everywhere but I am really hoping to get a job at UC Davis in the neonatal or pediatric areas. Obviously though I will pretty much take anything I am offered. I had originally thought of going down to Southern California immediately to be near my brother and his family but I'm not ready for that at this point, and with the cost of living down there it is more economical to do that as a traveller I think. So after I get a couple years experience who knows, maybe you will see me in SO CAL.

I guess that's really all that is going on right now. Mom is getting a little sad because I'm leaving but I know she will realize how much happier she is with me when she can send me home :-) Besides, now she will have a place to run away to when my dad drives her crazy. On top of all the nerves I am very excited to have the opportunity to live on my own and be an actual grown up. Don't get me wrong, I love being taken care of but it is hard on your self-esteem when you are 30 years old and still living with your mommy and daddy...

Well enough of my rambling...time to get off my ass and actually accomplish something today. I love and miss all of you. If you have a chance drop me a line or a comment. I get lonely when I am procrastinating :-)


Saturday, March 22, 2008

You too can be a rockstar

Be a rock star! Go to...

The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4. Use your graphics program of choice to throw them together, and post the result as a comment in this post.

Here is mine:

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Saturday, August 11, 2007

EX's Survey

Let's see if you can get through it. If not, you're too scared about your past...
1. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Sure if I didn't have to drive so far to kiss him

2. How many girlfriends/ boyfriends have told you they loved you?


3.Have you ever thought that you were going to marry a person?


4. Do you hate your last boyfriend/girlfriend?

HAHA...this is a funny question that keeps coming up for me. I will take this opportunity to say that I DON'T hate my ex's no matter what has happened. I love each and every one of my ex's as much as I wish I didn't. I CAN say that I don't much LIKE my ex's...thats a big difference. It has something to do with a feeling of disappointment I think.

5. Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurt?

Of course, who hasn't?

6. Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend mad?

No...I am a perfect angel...HELLO! There obviously had to be some anger if they are all my EX'S

7. Are you happier single or in a relationship?

It's funny...I always thought I was more miserable single but looking back, and especially since my last long term relationship I have always been more miserable IN my relationships than out. Maybe it says something about the kind of relationships I have had.

8. Ever dated anyone with an STD?

I hope not...not that they would tell me now or anything :-P

9. Have you ever had your heart broken?


10. Have you broken any hearts?

I doubt it...maybe one

11. Think any of your ex's feels the same as you do?Feels the same as me about what?

About our relationship?
I am sure that deep down if they would care to admit it too themselves we both know what went wrong.

12. Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?

I have my moments

13. Have you dated people who were not good to you?

I think all of the people have been not good to me in one way or another

15. Have you dated someone older than you?

I prefer it

16. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Second chance? Yes...Beyond that? No

17. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Yes...but then I sober up :-P

18. Do you want to get married?

Nope...not even in 15 years

19. Does heart break really feel as bad as it’s said to be?

For me it does

20. Would you believe your ex if she/he said they love you?

I wouldn't believe much that my ex said to me. I learn from my mistakes

21. Would you date your best female/male friend?

Sure if we were both into the same sex thing or in the case of my best male friends if THEY were into girls...some would say that I'm holding out for them :-)

22. Have any of your ex's called you by a nickname after the break up?

Does Bitch count? (and thats the nice word :-))

23. Do you regret any of your relationships?'s too short to fill it with regret

24. Are you in a relationship at the moment?

I am in many relationships

repost this as "ex's survey"