My Music

Monday, August 29, 2005

A bad case of the "Mondaies"

I started to post this yesterday and decided to go to bed early. I saved the post so those of you who think this appeared out of nowhere and was not here last time you read the blog, you are right :-)

Monday August 29th, 2005
ARGH! Today SUCKED! Where do I start? I guess when i woke up at 6:45 and got in the shower like nothing was wrong. Only in the shower did I realize I needed to be at work (30 minutes away) by 7:30 not 8:00. It was not my first day of this schedule but apparently I did not sleep well during the night so I was very out of it. As I was getting out of the shower mom calls to me that she can not find my keys. I thought about it for a minute and realized "OH SHIT! I left my keys in my dad's truck when we went somewhere this weekend" Dad had left at 5 am to go down to work in Stockton. There was no way to get into my car. DAMNIT! Now mom was mad at me and had to get dressed and drive me to work (man if that doesn't make you feel stupid then the 30 minute lecture surely will!) On top of that my cell phone had mysteriously stopped working the day before so I had no way to use it. Halfway to work I realized that my badge (and keycard) were locked in my car. When I got to work I had to go through the front entrance (farthest away from my desk) and wait while the receptionist tried to track down someone who knew me. Finally did and managed to get to my desk by 7:40 (have to start taking calls at 7:45) giving me only 5 SHORT minutes to get my computer booted up and all my programs started. Monday at work had started off crappy for everyone apparently, including our members. I had some of the strangest calls to date (ok so its only been 4 days...give me a break). I managed to get ahold of a kia dealership who said they could make me a replacement key w/the vin # if I had proof of ownership. Downside, the dealer was in YUBA CITY (about 45 minutes away). They were only open until 5 pm so mom and I hauled ass to Yuba City. Unfortunately the directions that they gave me (not willingly mind you) over the phone were unclear. So I called them from Yuba City. The bimbo at the front desk gave me directions (after trying to transfer me to a voicemail in service 3 times). When those directions turned out to be wrong (and we managed to find a place to turn around in the middle of rush hour traffic) it was 5:15. When I called back to clarify the directions the lady had the nerve to say to me "we are getting ready to close," to which I exploded that after driving from Chico and being told the wrong directions if they valued their lives I would suggest making me my key. We managed to get there with 5 minutes to spare. The guy was very nice, however, he couldn't figure out how to make the key! He said that he would rather just sell us the key and have us go to a locksmith (which was closed for the evening) so we left there (after my mom accused me of losing her cell phone which was in her pocket causing me to have to go back in to search the store for her cell phone.....but thats another story nevermind) and decided we had to stop for dinner. We were defeated in our quest to obtain "the key" and mom would have to drive me to work again tomorrow. After a nice dinner at Red Robin we decided to try our luck with Verizon. We were expecting to have the wrong directions but managed to find it in the mall. Verizon was actually very helpful and I managed (without wasting too much time there) to get a brand new phone and keep my charged battery. Unfortunately, all items actually IN the phone were lost. They said something about a virus from text messages which I didn't even know could happen. So in short, I want to know which one of you did it because I have some words for you (just kidding of course!) Anyway from there I was ready to go home when mom spotted "The Avenue" and decided she wanted to go shopping. Being the leach that I am (with no good clothes from work as I am often reminded) I managed to walk away with a great deal on some new duds (did I just refer to my clothes as duds? Somebody shoot me!) We started home at about 8 pm...both mentally and physically exhausted with little accomplished. I still had homework for both of my online classes to do, and I was still marveling over how "drama" continually hunts me down and finds me no matter how well I think I hide from it. I am continually finding myself in the debt of others (mainly my mother of course :-)) and I don't know how to fix it. And to put the topper on my day my cat actually talked back to me for the first time in known history. Sure in the past she's been annoying but when I wouldn't let her outside when we got home she ran down the hall, sat in the doorway, gave me the evil eye, and proceeded to meow in odd grumbly tones. I was in shock. I finally gave in and let her out then she wouldn't come in. I did manage to finish my homework for the two classes and get to bed at a decent hour. I thought that the quote from "Office Space" (the title of this blog) was an apt description of the day I had yesterday. It can only get better from here (damn...I think I just jinxed myself!)

Cats for Rent?

Thanks Annie for the fun quizzes....turns out I get to be a kitty cat....meeeeeow! With my singing I think I might be considered more an "alley" cat than a "broadway" cat though :-)

What Broadway Musical Will You Star In? by cleothewhiplady
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor
Quiz created with MemeGen!

What is your Broadway song? by neonlemonata
First Name:
Full Birthdate:
Song:"Rent" from RENT
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Saturday, August 27, 2005

#10 - Whatever You Say by Martina McBride

I know its been a while, but I really do want to finish this top 15....and yes Christina this song is really by Martina McBride:

You think I'm always makin'
Something out of nothin'
you're sayin' everything's okay
You've always got an answer
Before I ask the question
Whatever you say

Now we can change the subject
Pretend I never brought it up
Same old story anyway
Later we can work it out
Right now you're talked out
Yeah, whatever you say

Oh I know you can hear me
But I'm not sure you're listening
I hear what you're sayin'
But there's somthing missin'
Whether I go whether I stay
Right now depends on
Whatever you say

You say yes you need me
And no you wouldn't leave me
And that should be enough to make me stay
And even though I want to
I don't hear I love you
In whatever you say


Oh whether I go whether I stay
Right now depends on
Whatever you say
Whatever you say
Whatever you say

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Is the end really the end, or just another beginning?

All beginnings require that you unlock a new door.

- Rabbi Nachman of Bratslav

The inspirational quote of the day reminds me of a conversation I was having with a friend of mine last night. I was asked if I had moved just to take a break or if I was forced to move because of circumstances. I thought I would share what I said to him.

While it is true that I did need a break that is not the real reason I moved. I actually had a place lined up to live in and I still had my part time job but it just wasn't going to cut it. At first I felt very FORCED into this move, but as things have started to come easier for me I have come to the conclusion that it was the best thing that could have happened (meant to be if you will).

I have a problem letting go of the past, even when I know it is the best thing for me. If I had stayed I would not have focused on myself and getting through the nursing program so when I got a job up here within 2 days of applying I decided I really didn't have a choice. I couldn't afford it down there, and I REALLY needed to be away from Jaye and all his shit.

When I first left I clung desperately to the idea of returning down to the area for school (within the year) but as time goes by that looks very improbable. I have always said my goal was to get to Seattle so maybe this was the push I needed to get out of the area. Most of my family has left, and really the only thing that ties me to the area are the few friends that I have (and some REALLY bad relationship memories) I guess to answer your question directly (it's about darn time huh?) at the moment I don't have any immediate plans to return to the area. I will always stay in contact because of my friends but it will be a very long time before I call Stockton/Lodi home. Sometimes you just have to leave in order to let go, at least I do.

Where my newfound confidence comes from I honestly can not say. What I do know is that despite my feelings my NUMBER 1 pet peeve at the time is when people say "I know that I am doing the right thing for Shanda even if she doesn't see that now" or "Shanda is much better off without me and I am very proud and happy for her in all the forward movements she has done with her life. In the long run of her life I will be a speck (if that) on the radar." To people who say that I say "SCREW YOU!" I am a big girl and am perfectly capable of deciding how to handle things and who I want to have in my life. If you truly cared about me or thought I was ever really your friend then you would respect me enough to let me make my own decisions regardless of what you think of yourself.

I have obviously still not come to terms with the fact that I was forced into my current situation. While I think its for the best and am doing really well I still resent the fact that someone can say "I truly care for you and am so proud of what you are doing" but they didn't freakin care enough about me to accept my decision to work things through, or to even try to hold on to the friendship. I wish they could just be honest and say "you know, I never really cared about you more than I care for myself, and I'm really not that into you after all." A little honesty would hurt a whole hell of a lot less than the crap that I have been dealt. And don't even think about telling me that "You are so much better off without me" because that insults me if simply for the fact that I wanted to be your friend. I am sure that with time I will work past these feelings to, but at what cost? Until then I'm going to take my own advice:

"You might have to adjust your dream to fit your circumstances. It takes time, and you have to be willing to put aside all the anger and resentment that you have with life in general for not making it easy to achieve your dreams. If it was easy, would it be worth it? Bottom line, you have to make yourself happy because no one else can or will. I am a firm believer in the idea that you can not be happy if your job makes you miserable. Above all else, always remember every "end" is really another beginning."

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Here's the Story of the Day:

As we all know, I am the princess ;-)

Fairy Princess
looking for a slinky black dress for later on which is how you can tell this is a fairy princess with an edge

Sunday, August 21, 2005

My babies

Going through my boxes I found some pictures that have sent me on a trip down memory lane. Especially weird considering this was my horoscope:

Relatives or old friends, particularly senior ones, who come to visit you today, SHANDA, are likely to awaken childhood memories which you have long since forgotten. Some of them might come as a shock to you, but they'll all release hang-ups that you've been trying to expunge for a long time. You might feel as if you've just dropped a ton of weight - and you have. Psychological weight can be as heavy a burden as anything physical!

I thought I would post some pictures of my past "babies" and my current "baby" Enjoy!

Tag, I'm it :-)

Seven things you plan to do before you die!!
1. Have children
2. Become a nurse
3. Move to Seattle
4. Travel the world
5. Love myself
6. Fight for universal healthcare
7. Save more animals

Seven things you can do!!
1. Get a degree
2. Be alone (I'm getting there at least)
3. Be happy
4. Lose weight (almost 20 lbs so far!)
5. Help people
6. Laugh loudly
7. Love my kitty

Seven things you can't do!!!
1. Draw (at least not very well)
2. Sing (again, not very well at least :-))
3. Maintain a normal relationship
4. Control everything
5. Believe how my life has turned out
6. Stop worrying about everything and everyone
7. Wait to get into a nursing program

Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex!!
1. Dark Eyes/Hair
2. Smile
3. Personality
4. Conversational skill
5. Buttocks (mmmm)
6. Happy Trail (huh cjristina?)
7. Sense of humour

Seven things you say most!!!
1. Alrighty then!
2. Whatever
3. Why don't you love me?
4. No no, really I'm fine
5. It's frickin hot!
6. I owe you how much?!?!?
7. Yes of course I'll do that for you

Seven celebrity crushes!!!
1. Hugh Jackman
2. John Cusack
3. Johnny Depp
4. Ewan McGreggor
5. Rob Thomas
6. Joaquin Phoenix
7. Ben Affleck

Seven people you want to take this quiz..
1. Cjristina
2. Appleannie
3. Wildflower
4. New York Moments
5. Undies
6. Still Figuring out
7. Brooke

plus whoever else would like too steal this is welcome to spread it around.

More Hindu Wisdom

In the hands of a benevolent man,
Wealth is like a medicinal tree whose healing gifts help all.

-Tirukkural 217

Quote of the day

We define our family, our "ohana," very broadly. It may have begun with our parents and brothers and sisters, but it now includes hundreds of people who give us the support necessary for our creative endeavors.
–Robert Cazimero

Friday, August 19, 2005


I shared this with a lot of you but I thought I would post it too because it made me laugh. Thanks Becky!

> > Some people are like Slinkies...
> > Not really good for anything,
> > but they still bring a smile to your face
> > when you push them down a flight of stairs.


My family is awesome. It is only recently that I have come to appreciate them for what they are (not always perfect, but always there for me). We went and took pictures with my grandma last weekend and I wanted to share some of them with you. Not everybody is there because we couldn't get everyone in the same place at the same time (and we aren't even as big as Cjristina's family!) I want to make sure that they know how much I love them. Thank you Mom and Dad!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

It's in the stars....

My horoscope was nice today, check below. I hope that I do get to take a getaway soon...I really need it :-)

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Your mind is roaming the far reaches of your imagination, dreaming of distant lands and journeys to other galaxies. Don't hold yourself back, for you are hearing the call of the great adventure -- and it's about time that you answered. Take the fantastic thoughts you are now having and apply them toward planning a real getaway.

As far as anything else I wanted to let you guys know I am feeling much better. Must have been something in the air the last few days but today went well and I got a lot of things out of my mind that have been persisting over the last couple of days. In addition to resigning up for netflix and finding out that they saved my rental que, I actually got the college up here to straighten out my record so that I could register. Unfortunately, I ended up getting Saturday classes which will require me to be in class every Saturday (9/10-12/10) from 8-4:50 giving me one day a week to relax. Whew....lets see how long that lasts. Guess I won't get to leave the area very much for the rest of year. Thats a bummer since I will miss my friends but hopefully they will continue to e-mail and chat with me online in the meantime :-) At least I will get to meet new people. I'm keeping my options open, but so far they seem very interesting ;-)

As for tomorrow my horoscope is telling me what I already know which leads me to think my good mood is again only temporary. Hopefully I will be able to get past it.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Aquarians can be as stubborn as anyone and as immovable as a mountain. One of your gifts, however, is the ability to let go of your rigidity just in the nick of time. Today you are being challenged and can become so annoyed that you reach a critical point. You will do anything to settle the uneasiness. With ongoing adjustments, you can make the irritation tolerable, but the source of the problem may be out of your control for a few more days.

#11 - Fallen by Sarah McLachlan

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Monday, August 15, 2005

Watch out below....

I am trying to learn to trust my feelings. As such, I have felt very down for the last few days (yes I'm still taking my medicine). I tried to push it aside and "put on a happy face" but it just isn't working. Then I happened to hear a song that explained why I was feeling this way so I thought I would post it. The song is "I miss my friend" by Darryl Worley:

I miss the look of surrender in your eyes
The way your soft brown hair would fall
I miss the power of your kiss when we made love
But baby most of all

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now

Saying it'll be alright

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss the silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend
I miss my friend
I miss my friend

Retun of the Kleptomaniac

Kudos to Brooke for posting something I could steal. I was getting tired of pouring out my feelings in long rambling posts of my every internal thought and feeling....

1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at?
My eyes….I am usually trying to make the bags under my eyes disappear

2. How much cash do you have on you right now?
Does this mean green or change as well? If it includes change I have $1.28 if it is just green, $0.00 (what is cash?)

3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"?

4. Favourite plant?
It’s green and makes me sleep…

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Mom…and no I don’t have mom block on my phone its just that no one else ever calls me other than my dad and bill collectors

6. What is your main ring tone on your phone?
I don’t want to be…by Gavin Degraw

7. What shirt are you wearing?
Pink t-shirt…plain

8. Do you "label" yourself?
Constantly, it’s a bad habit

9. Name brand of your shoes currently wearing?
Wal-mart generic flip flops…and yes, I know Wal-Mart is red and doesn’t treat its employees well but they are cheap and I am poor. When I’m rich and famous I will be able to be picky J

10. Do you prefer a bright or dark room?
Dark…my eyes are sensitive

11. What did you have for breakfast?
Slimfast and licorice…mmmm those two go well together!

(What happened to number 12?) ***

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
In bed, but not asleep

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?
Good. @ Work can’t talk now

15. Do you ever click on "Pop Ups" or Banners?
Only when they trick me into it

16. What's an expression that you say a lot?
Alrighty then

17. Who told you they loved you last?
My dad

18. Last furry thing you touched?
Dorito, don’t be dirty :-P

19. How many hours a week do you work?
Do you mean how many hours am I being paid to work or how many hours I actually put in to work….depending on how you look at the answer could be not enough or too much

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
I don’t know, I can’t find any of them. I guess that mean I don’t have any that NEED to be developed…

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
I really enjoyed age 5

22. Your worst enemy?

23. What is your current desk top picture?
Wanna see? Click here.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
Oh mi god, I can’t even imagine saying something like that about a customer (out loud) even if the phone was on mute

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to go back in time and fix all your mistakes which would you choose?
I would take the million bucks. I wouldn’t even know how to fix all my mistakes, and even if I could that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have made other more serious mistakes instead. No need to dwell, with a million dollars I could make myself happy in the future!

**I am going to make up my own number question for number twelve

12. Name your superhero and tell us your signature phrase.

Captain Accident (up up and a….OW!!! Look out below, here I come!)

Thought to ponder

Today's Quote The proverb warns that 'You should not bite the hand that feeds you.' But maybe you should, if it prevents you from feeding yourself.-Thomas Szasz

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Is it the weekend yet?

All week I flip flopped about going down to Stockton on Friday night to see the opening of my friends' show. Thursday night I decided that I was feeling really good and that if there was any time that I was going to be able to get through seeing this show, it was now. Let me just say, I am really glad that I did. Everyone treated me so nicely and really helped to make me feel comfortable in a potentially awkward situation. It was awesome.

The drive from Chico was a killer. I got off work at 5 and set out. It was kind of slow moving being Friday night but when I got to Sacramento it was completely STOPPED and we crept along at about 10-15 mph from South Sac all the way through to Lodi. I was very irritated by the morons on the road but I managed to get to the theatre by 7:30. I walked in and one of the first people I ran into was the ex. We hadn't talked in several weeks since I told him that until he learned to grow up and take care of himself that he shouldn't bother to contact me. Needless to say, it was a little uncomfortable being in his presence. Well, not only that but I had been needing to go to the bathroom since Elk Grove. When I got that taken care of I came out to buy my ticket and saw that they weren't taking credit cards. I was like DAMN I didn't have a chance to go to the bank. So I ran across the street to an ATM that wouldn't take my card. Luckily there was another ATM just down the street. After walking down there I realized that I didn't remember my pin number (I just got a new card and hadn't changed to my normal pin yet) so I couldn't get it to give me anything. Ended up having to borrow money from a friend in order to get in. That made me feel icky.

The show itself (Picasso at the Lapin Agile)
was really enjoyable. Everyone did a really great job. I had some issues understanding what Einstein was saying but the part was still well acted. Christina is phenomonal, and my friend Acting Golfer who plays the lead was really awesome too. AppleAnnie's portrayal of the role was really honest. I totally related to her. Shawn is only onstage for 3 minutes but he had more lines and character than he's had when he has been the lead in some of the shows that I have seen him in before so I really enjoyed that as well. I couldn't even believe that my friends James and Rich had come into rehearsals so late. They were great. Rich's energy really added a lot to the show, and James nailed his character. The man who played Gaston was hilarious and with Christina stole the show I think. There were the opening night glitches of course but overall it was a good show. I would recommend it to anyone. After the show we decided to go out to eat since we were all REALLY hungry. We ended up at Lyons on Ben Holt (the normal late night stop) and found IT WAS PACKED....I was already starting to really resent people and this did not help. We got seated very fast but soon began to think that the waiter was avoiding us. He even came to take our order and then just walked away in the middle of talking to us. It was really quite comic.

After dinner we retreated to our favorite hole in the wall bar. It too was PACKED and it was HOT and it was LOUD. Overall, not a very enjoyable evening. To calm my nerves I decided to have one drink and couldn't even finish it. About a half an hour into the night I got REALLY tired. I felt almost like I had been drugged. I knew then that it was time to leave, I wasn't doing anyone any good being there (except maybe Shawn who was in full karaoke mode!) and I had to be up early for orientation and I was determined not to be late or miss it because I really wanted to take this class!

This morning I managed to get up and out of Christina's house by 7:45 am. I made a pit stop at the drive thru Starbucks for a Chai Latte and let me tell you, I don't know if I was fiending for caffeine or if they put crack in my chai but it was REALLY good :-) Christina lives about 45 minutes from the school I was going to and even with my stop I managed to make it there with 15 minutes to spare. I did not know exactly where I was going and the business office where they have maps and computers and such was not open yet. I decided to explore, and found a place that had free maps on the door but the map did not have a key. I took a look and found a building labelled "B". Well the class was a business class so I figured, that must mean Business. Now it was still early in the morning for me, and I didn't take into account that this building looked very small even on the map. I wandered around campus for 20 minutes and finally figured out that "B" stood for boiler room. By this time I REALLY had to pee and I was now late for the class. I headed all the way across campus to where I started out and found that the business office was now open. I checked the room # for where I was supposed to be going and found out that I was heading for building BS for "Business Services". I found a bathroom and headed out to find the class. I finally found it at 9:30 and walked in. The teacher turned to me and said "are you here for the 10 am orientation, we will be done in a few minutes" Mind you, this is the same teacher that sent me the following e-mail the other day:

Ms. Davis:

Please do come to the 9-10:50 a.m. orientation on Saturday, August 13. You do not need to change classes.

I look forward to seeing you.


I have come to the conclusion that this teacher has spoken to my family and friends to know that if you want me to be on time tell me to be there an hour earlier than you expect me. A little embarrased I decided to make a trip to the bookstore to figure out how much the books I needed were going to set me back. I checked out the book for another online class I am taking and decided that I would try to find it online. I broke down and bought the book for this class today (it was 60 bucks) because I knew that I would probably have homework due next week and didn't have time to wait for the book to be shipped. While waiting for the current class to let out I had a nice conversation with one of the girls that was in my class. I didn't expect the orientation to take the whole 2 hours but it did. After the class let out and finally finding a gas station (I realized that I wasn't going to make it to where I thought I would get gas when I was in the middle of nowhere and was luckily able to make it 10 miles out of my way to find a gas station) I was on my way home. When I got there I got some lunch (hadn't really eaten anything yet except for a granola bar left over from my lunch yesterday) and laid down to rest. 4 hours later I was being woken up for dinner which I wasn't hungry for so I moved into my bedroom while the whole family (my aunt and her family, my uncle and his family, my grandma and her "friend", and my parents) was visiting. Now, here I am awake with nothing to do. I have to be up early for family pictures. In the words of Christina's character "Awww....I HATE having my picture taken!" At least I'm looking better than I did when we I last had my picture taken.

I leave you with a quote I got from my teacher on an e-mail she sent. Hope all is going well for y'all.

Some people have nothing to say,
but you have to listen a long time to find out.

Friday, August 12, 2005

I'm alright...

I have felt so wonderful the last couple of days. Just out of no where I feel as if everything is falling in place. I am kind of suspicious of this feeling for a couple reasons. 1.) Its not normal for me, and I have grown to expect that if I have a good stretch in my life it will be followed up by and incredibly bad stretch that exceeds the length of the time of the good stretch by at least double, and 2.) Somewhere deep inside I still feel like I do not deserve such good fortune.
I am not saying that I am completely over the pain and hurt I have gone through, that would be a naïve thought. What I am saying is that for some reason this week I have been able to push those bad things aside and make some real progress on the other areas of my life that need work. That in itself is a big accomplishment and I am proud of that.
I found out yesterday that I had lost three more pounds bringing the total to 15 in about a month. I was told that a lot of my problems with losing weight center around not being able to let go in any area of my life. That makes sense to me. I am so afraid of pain and loss that I do hold on to things with a fervor that is scary (even to me). I am a packrat, I keep relationships that are harmful and people that don’t care about me in my life, and I perpetuate my misery by not eating good food and then to compensate for that, I don’t eat very often which makes my body think it is starving and therefore holds tight to anything that it can use to survive. That is analogous to my relationships I think in that I find myself starving for love and affection even when I’m with someone so I hold onto them tighter thinking that if I hold out that I may get rescued or find what my body needs so badly.
With this move I have found that it has become a bit easier to let go of things. I am giving away more old clothes and junk that I have kept for years moving from place to place than ever before. I am making new friends and releasing those others that are bad for me. I am eating better and more often so that my body can get used to feeling like it doesn’t have to hold on for dear life just to survive. I really hope that I can keep this up. I think that there is so much that I need to do for others in this world and unless I can learn to take care of myself that will never become a reality.
Ok enough of my philosophizing. I will give you a quick run down on some of my successes this week. You already know that I took calls for the first time at work. I got my stats and as it turns out I was a lot slower than I thought I would be but I am not depressed about that, I view it as a learning experience and a place to improve from. Yesterday, we had a half day at work so that we could get things done and not have to request days off to go to the doctor and run our errands and such. I ran down to the school right after I got off of work. I was determined to get the whole registration thing straightened out because I have been fighting with them online for two weeks and I am still unable to register for the two classes I want to take. These people were SO helpful and nice, I have never had such an experience at a school admissions office. They told me what I needed to do, they faxed things to other departments for me, and they gave me pointers on what to expect. I was FLOORED! I wanted to go online and make some changes to my FAFSA (Federal Application for Student Aid) but I had forgotten my pin number. I made all the requests for information that I could through there super fast computers and headed off to get my oil changed. I dropped the car off and stood out in the heat waiting for my parents to come pick me up. My dad and I headed off to give platelets and aside from the attitude that the lady registering me gave it was a great experience. My appointment wasn’t until 2 but my dad’s was at 1:30. They ended up getting us started at exactly (almost) the same time and because my HCT (Hematocrit…a measurement that approximates your bloods iron level) was almost 10% lower than him I was done almost 30 minutes earlier. After we got out of there we took grandma out to dinner at Logan’s steakhouse. It was good, but we were all tired and ready to go home. Before we could get home though my mom and I needed to stop at Wally World. Even that wasn’t so bad (aka: employees weren’t useless and it didn’t take that long)
I got home and got a very cool e-mail that made me smile, and then spent the evening hanging out with my mother which was very nice as well. We watched our soaps, and I cleaned my room (which made her happy I think). I also packed for my trip to Stockton tonight. I am headed down after work to catch opening night (break a leg cast of Picasso!) and tomorrow I have orientation for a class in Sac. I will update you guys when I return as to if my happy mood remains in tact. Hopefully I will have good news for y’all J

Thursday, August 11, 2005

#12 - When I'm Gone 3 Doors Down

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There're secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Maybe I'm just blind...

Maybe I'm just blind...

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
[end chorus]

Love me when I'm gone...

When your education x-ray
Can not see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone


Maybe I'm just blind...


Love me when I'm gone...

Love me when I'm gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

#13 - Lonely No More by Rob Thomas

Now it seems to me
That you know just what to say
Words are only words
Can you show me something else
Can you swear to me that you'll always be this way
Show me how you feel
More than ever baby

I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list

I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore

Now its hard for me with my heart still on the mend
Open up to me, like you do your girlfriends
And you sing to me and it's harmony
Girl, what you do to me is everything
Make me say anything; just to get you back again
Why can we just try

I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list

I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore

What if I was good to you, what if you were good to me
What if I could hold you till I feel you move inside of me
What if it was paradise, what if we were symphonies
What if I gave all my life to find some way to stand beside you

I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list

I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore

I don't wanna be lonely anymore [x3]

Customer service=Helping Hand

Today's Quote: Nothing makes you like other human beings so much as doing things for them.

I don't know if this quote is always true, but I do know that it is how I have always felt. As you probably know, I have had a desire to help others from a very early age. This is also reflected in my career ambition. So today when I took my first phone calls with my new job I was surprised by how nervous I was. All the normal questions were flying around my mind, and we had the usual problems of finding someone for me to sit with. After I took my first call though, I felt most of the nervousness melting away and I just felt at home. I have done customer service in one form or another since I started working right out of high school, and I didn't realize how much I had actually missed being able to help people (my last job was more recruiting than service) until I found myself actually doing it again. The time flew by and though I was a little slow sometimes due to still having to learn the systems as I went along, I was very proud of myself. Overall, I am also very lucky that all of the people that I talked to were so nice and patient with me. I am still very determined to get into a nursing program so I know that this job is not a career, but I think that it will present me with some very good lessons that I can begin to apply within other aspects of my life as well and that is all that I am really looking for right now anyway. The best thing I have learned at this time is to let things roll off your back like water off a duck. So if you hear me walking around screaming "Be the duck! I'm the duck!" now you know why :-)

Well lunch is about over and I need to get back to class. I leave you with a question to ponder "what is the best job you ever had and why?" I look forward to reading your responses.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Today's Quote

Daily Inspiration (courtesy of Beliefnet)

A bend in the road is not the end of the road...unless you fail to make the turn.

This quote is representative of my weekend. I went down to Stockton for some time with my girlfriends, and to meet with a friend of a friend. This friend is a psychic and from what my girls have told me she is very accurate. I had met Bobi (the psychic) before briefly at a play so I know that regardless of anything else, she is a wonderful woman and has an extremely caring heart. With all the changes that I have been going through, I was needing some spiritual advice. As everyone has probably noticed I have been in exploration trying to make sense of the things happening in my life and I felt that I needed some help from someone who had an understanding of what it is like to walk in my shoes. But I digress, I'll get back to the point. I have been feeling very lonely and disconnected lately and it is an awful feeling. I would try anything to get rid of this feeling, and I am really glad that I had the opportunity to do this. There were four of us getting readings and I think at some point during the weekend we all later realized that though our circumstances may be different our concerns are much the same. This made for a very comfortable "support group" type setting. Cjristina's niece was so excited to be one of the girls, and I have never seen a more together little girl. She is amazing and sweet and I am so glad I got a chance to spend some time in her presence. Again, I digress. The reading actually went very well. I was nervous because there are certain things that I was afraid to hear and have been afraid to hear for a long time. Whether or not your beliefs are the same as mine (or if you believe me or not) I was blown away by the stuff that this woman who I had met 1 time before knew...these were things that I had not even told my friends. It was very reaffirming and gave me hope that the suggestions she made for things that I need to do to help myself get to where I am supposed to be in life would actually work. To paraphrase what I was just commenting on Wildflower's blog without hope we have nothing. I left the reading feeling energized and ready to party. Christina and I ended up at Bogeys and for the first time in a very long time I genuinely smiled and laughed (I had too much to drink but thats because I get nervous in big crowds). We got there late so the night was over much earlier than we wanted it to be. After closing out the tab and a tying up a few loose ends on issues that were ready to be let go we ended up back at Christie's house. We had to be up early for the psychic fair that we were going to. We ended up oversleeping and after having breakfast at IHOP we headed for the fair. I was driving, and I was pretty familiar with the area it was because an ex of mine used to live by this place. Before I knew it I was turning down to take some familiar "shortcuts" only to find that all of the roads had been blocked off and didn't go through anymore. I got lost in a new housing development and it took about 15 minutes to get back to the main road. I decided to try another way I knew and ended up hitting several detours and finally a "ROAD CLOSED" sign. This is when I felt the 2x4 hit me over the head (figuratively speaking of course). Bobi was just telling me that I had to let go of the past in order to heal the pain I am feeling. Mind you I had just been driving around this area Friday night (reminiscing over lost love) and NOTHING blocked my way then. I did have a very weird dream after that were I was pushing away the ex for a new guy which I thought was kind of weird. But this was just way too much of a coincidence for me. I had no idea why I was even trying to go these special routes, I was just on autopilot I guess. It is my feeling that the universe was interceeding to tell me that it is time to LET GO. This thought was reinforced by the fact that after a long day at the fair Christina and I got into the car and the radio blared the chorus to "Let me go" by 3 doors down. I just smiled at her and said "Enough already I get it!" While at the event we got to see a lot of free presentations learning more about holistic medicine/healing and enlightenment. I enjoyed it a great deal and even got a prayer to wear Henna tatoo. As I understand it the pattern I got was for good luck in relationships and I think it looks pretty cool, even if it doesn't work :-) I have posted a picture below to show y'all what it looks like. I want to thank some people for helping to cheer me up this weekend. Cjristina - My soul sister....I couldn't do any of this without you :-) Jea9 - Thank you so much for letting me vent and understanding (even if it had to be through common experience) Jenny - You are such a wonderful person. You and your family show me that that a happy family is still possible even with the challenges you are facing. Bobi - Thanks for the insight, for not letting me get away with it, and for the hugs. Liz - Your presence alone makes me feel at ease. I'm sorry that we didn't get to visit more. Shawn - Keep leading me by example. You make living life to the fullest look easy and I love you for it (hey we almost reunited the band!) Joe - Your gift of humour is very special. No one dares to be sad around you for fear that you will kill us with laughter :-) Tony - Thanks for the dick and fart jokes, they helped too :-) Justin - Thanks for the laughs and for looking out for all of us always. Steph - Thanks for the talk. Mike - Thanks for the drinks and for helping to break the circles :-) Rae - I hope we can get together soon for another little pow-wow, it was good to see you again :-)

I think that is everything.....OH! and I have been told that I need to listen to more positive music but as I am stuck in the sad groove I was hoping everyone could think of their favorite upbeat peppy song that can always make them happy no matter what else is going on. I will then compile these songs into a CD to me from you.

The design is said to promote good fortune in relationships (feet are apparently representative of romance). For more information visit: Ranu

Careful Timing

Wow my weekly horoscope is really positive this week. I hope that it is accurate because it would be nice to get some peace for once :-)


Partnerships are still of real importance at this time, SHANDA, with Saturn, Mercury and the Sun in Leo. Mercury continues to be retrograde, so there is every chance that you are mending old bridges and talking about issues that need healing. You are taking a few steps back so that you can make progress in the near future. On Monday the Sun opposes Neptune, which may bring confusion to certain relationship matters. Keep your boundaries intact and don't let anyone take advantage of you. Venus will square Pluto on Wednesday so there is going to be a certain intensity in the air, perhaps regarding a relationship that has been hovering between friendship and intimacy for some time. Be sure you know what you really want as things could get difficult if you are not clear. Mercury moves to square Mars on Saturday, which isn't the greatest of influences for happy family relationships. Try not to provoke anyone if you don't want an argument to blow up in your face. If you want to clear the air, you may get more than you bargained for. Sunday is one day you might enjoy when Mars sextiles Uranus and brings a surprise your way that you hadn't expected. You also get the chance to make some changes to your social situation.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Don't you just want to pinch those cheeks...

Ok, below is a picture of one of my really good friends John with his (and his wonderful wife Tammi's) son Matthew. I knew John in high school but really talked to him more because he is my ex's best friend. Both John and Tammi were so excited when the ex and I got together, and we were in turn ecstatic to be invited to the birth of their precious little boy Matthew. I miss this family so much and really want to continue our friendship. Tammi's family was always so wonderful and welcomed us in like we were one of them. So far I have not had a chance to get down to where they are living for a visit since the breakup, but I do want to thank them for keeping in contact online because they are so very important to me, no matter what. When I was talking to Tammi the other night she sent me a picture they had recently taken and I felt so sad that I have not gotten to be more involved in Matthew's life. We were at the hospital when he was born and it just seems over the past years I have been lazy in preserving that (and many other) bonds with the special people in my life. Hope you enjoy the pic below, I know I did. Oh and Elmer no I do not mean that I want to squeeze your cheeks...been there done that I got enough of that in Me and My Girl.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Daily Hindu Wisdom

I found two days worth of wisdom that I really related to so here they are:

Hypocritical, proud, and arrogant, living in delusion and clinging to deluded ideas, insatiable in their desires, they pursue their unclean ends. Although burdened with fears that end only with death, they still maintain with complete assurance, "Gratification of lust is the highest that life can offer."

-Bhagavad Gita 16:10-11

As a caterpillar, having come to the end of one blade of grass, draws itself together and reaches out for the next, so the Self, having come to the end of one life and dispelled all ignorance, gathers in his faculties and reaches out from the old body to a new.

-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad

Happy Birthday Brentie!

One of my best (and most brilliant) buddies is having a bithday today and I would like to wish him a happy one. I love you man!

Whatcha doin....Nothin :-)

Lately I have been asked a lot "what are you doing" and it really drives me insane (as if that was a long trip!) As a result, I have decided to post an article I found on "The Benefits of doing nothing"

Sometimes we're too busy 'running the rat race' that we forget to nurture our soul.
By Joann Davis

Picture yourself in the halcyon days of childhood. You are putting on your jacket, getting ready to leave home, when your mother calls out your name. "Where are you going?" she asks. "Out," you say."With whom?" she continues. "My friends," you answer."To do what?" she inquires. "Nothing," you say.And it was true. You had nothing in mind. Perhaps you would meet a friend, sit on a stoop, stand on a corner, or toss a ball. In the good old days, when the world was a simpler place, children didn't plot and plan. They simply went out and played with kids they liked.
Times have changed. Today, children learn that planning is the hallmark of a well-lived life. They see their parents armed with calendars and date books, making back-to-back appointments and jetting around the country on marathon business trips, seldom stopping to take a breather. The emphasis on being busy is so great that Richard Stengel wrote the following in The New Yorker:
Nowadays, people don't ask you how you are, they say, 'Are you busy?' meaning, 'Are you well?' If someone actually does ask you how you are, the most cheerful answer, of course, is a robust 'Busy!' to which the person will reply 'Good! "Busy' used to be a negative sort of word. It meant having no time for yourself, no leisure. 'No, I can't come out this weekend, I'm too busy.' Sorry about that, you poor stiff. Now, though, busyness is bullish. Conspicuous industriousness is the rule. "Conspicuous industriousness" is fancy talk for chasing your own tail. This is the habit of rushing around frantically and feeling quite noble even when you go nowhere fast. Equipped with cell phones, beepers, and handheld computers, the "conspicuously industrious" blur the line between home and office by working anytime, anywhere. Always on call, they make a perverse case for the argument that work isn't a part of life, but rather that life is a part of work. They embody the new twenty-first century ideal--"I work, therefore I am."And whether they know it or not, they are competitors in the rat race. Constantly busy, moving at breakneck speed, they wake, work, earn, spend, shovel down food, and collapse--only to begin the same vicious cycle over again the next day. Never knowing which end is up, they live according to the "Rules of the Rat Race," an unwritten code of conduct that says you should:

1. Bite off more than you can chew.
2. Act as if enough is never enough.
3. Chase your tail and run to stand still.
4. View life as a part of work, instead of work as a part of life.
5. Acknowledge that some rats are more equal than others.

Perhaps it was in the aftermath of World War II that the Rules of the Rat Race first took shape. Fresh from victory on the international front, America was basking in a new spirit of optimism and economic prosperity. As cars rolled off the assembly line and houses rose up from the ground in manicured suburbs, there was a feeling of unlimited possibility in the air. The Great Depression was a thing of the past; the standard of living was rising; and scientific innovation was bringing forth everything from the polio vaccine and penicillin to filtered cigarettes and baby formulas. Our cultural desire for affluence was nurtured by the media, which also sowed the seeds of discontent. As Barbara Ehrenreich notes in her book, Fear of Falling: The Inner Life of the Middle Class, television brought "the most decrepit ghetto dwelling intimate glimpses into the 'lifestyles of the rich and famous,' not to mention the merely affluent. Studying the televised array of products and comforts available, seemingly, to everyone else, the poor become more dangerous."The gnawing dissatisfaction that was bred helped contribute to a constant drive for economic growth. Not everyone viewed it as a good thing. Former Czech president Vaclav Havel has written that in America "there is the blind worship of perpetual economic growth and consumption, regardless of their destructive impact on the environment, or how subject they are to the dictates of materialism and consumerism, or how they, through the omnipresence of television and advertising, promote uniformity and banality instead of a respect for human uniqueness."

The deterioration of our humanity is no small concern. We are, as the philosopher Pierre Teilhard de Chardin once noted, "spiritual beings having a human experience," not consumers having a material experience. Our souls need time to think, dream, and reflect. We benefit from doing nothing, from going out to play, from giving from the heart and spending time in nature. Most of all we benefit from having healthy, strong, and loving relationships with other people and from exercising the altruistic parts of ourselves. These activities nurture our souls in both hidden and obvious ways.

Once upon a time it was said that all work and no play made Jack a dull boy. Then Jack entered the rat race and became conspicuously industrious. He would probably like to put on his jacket and tell Mom that he's going outside to do nothing. But oops! That's his beeper going off. Gotta go. Might be the boss.

This one's for Cjristina

I am testing the code from a site called Video Code Zone Hope this works for you :-)

"Scars"ByPapa Roach

The latest thing

I couldn't let my cyber twin Undies be the only thief so I have unceremoniously (is that spelled right?) stolen her post and filled in my answers. Feel free to do the same if you so desire:

Things I have done in my lifetime, as of today:
(x) Smoked a joint (well not in that form)
() Been in a wet t-shirt contest
(x) Crashed a car
() Stolen a car
(x) Been in love
() Had a threesome
(x) Been dumped
(x) Shoplifted (candy)
() Been fired
() Been in a fist fight
(x) Snuck out of the house (didn't really have to sneak)
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back (all the time)
() Been arrested
(x) Made out with a stranger (Gotta love Manteca)
() Gone on a blind date
(x) Lied to a friend (unfortunately)
(x) Had a crush on a teacher
() Been to Europe
(x) Skipped school
(x) Seen someone die
() Been to Canada (almost :-()
() Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show (not live)
(x) Thrown up in a bar (who hasn't? Oh wait...thats not normal...ok)
() Purposely set a part of yourself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi (Yummy)
(x) Been skiing (snow...I could never get up on water skis)
(x) Met someone from the internet in person (my first boyfriend...not that its something to brag about)
() Been moshing at a concert
(x) Been in an abusive relationship (mentally not physically)
(x) Taken painkillers (mmmm...happy pills)
(x) Love someone or miss someone right now
(x) Lay and watch cloud shapes go by
(x) Made a snow angel
() Had a tea party
(x) Flown a kite
(x) Built a sand castle
(x) Gone puddle jumping
(x) Played dress up (and still do)
() Jumped into a pile of leaves
() Gone sledding
(x) Cheated while playing a game
(x) Been lonely
(x) Fallen asleep at work/school (It was not one of my better moments but I hid in the stockroom and slept)
() Used a fake ID
(x) Watched the sunset
(x) Felt an earthquake (of course, I live in California)
(x) Touched a snake
(x) Slept beneath the stars
(x) Been tickled (although I'm not really ticklish)
(x) Been robbed (I can't believe they took my milk!)
(x) Been misunderstood (all the frickin time)
() Pet a reindeer/goat
(x) Won a contest/race (My dad and I got first place in a kite flying contest when I was a kid)
(x) Run a red light (does it count if you didn't get caught)
() Been suspended from school
(x) Been in a car accident (my fault, not my fault, my fault, not my fault, and not my fault)
() Had braces
(x) Felt like an outcast
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night (Ben and Jerry and I have had some real heart to hearts)
(x) Had deja vu (ALL THE TIME)
(x) Danced in the moonlight
(x) Hated the way you look
(x) Witnessed a crime
(x) Pole danced (It was fun)
(x) Been obsessed with post-it notes (what's wrong with that.....they are so convenient and sticky)
(x) Walked barefoot through the mud
(x) Been lost(some would say I'm perpetually lost)
() Been to the opposite side of the world
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Felt like dying (today actually)
(x) Cried yourself to sleep (at least once a week)
() Played cops and robbers
(x) Recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers (I color used to take a coloring book to work)
(x) Sung karaoke (again, come on......what else is there to do in a karaoke bar besides get drunk and find sex)
(x) Paid for a meal with only coins (when your broke your broke)
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't (hourly)
(x) Made prank phone calls when you were younger (and when I was older)
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue(I don't care if it was a fake snowflake!)
() Danced naked in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about (a couple times.....and thats saying something since I'm not a morning person)
(x) Blown bubbles
() Had a bonfire on the beach
(x) Crashed a party
(x) Gone rollerblading
(x) Had a wish come true
() Worn pearls (my mothers engagement ring)
() Jumped off a bridge (75 feet)
(x) Screamed the word penis in public (you just had to be there)
(x) Ate dog/cat food (my brother told me it was beef jerky!)
(x) Told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) Kissed a mirror
(x) Sang in the shower
(x) Owned a little black dress (it wasn't so "little" but it was short and black)
(x) Had a dream that you married someone else
() Glued your hand to something
() Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
() Kissed a fish
(x) Worn the opposite sex's clothes (yeah and stole them too)
() Been a cheerleader
(x) Sat on a roof top
(x) Screamed at the top of your lungs (HELLO L.A.)
() Done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) Stayed up all night
(x) Didn't take a shower for a week (I was camping)
(x) Picked and ate an apple right off the tree
() Climbed a tree
() Had a tree house (and ran away to it often)
(x) Are NOT scared to watch scary movies
(x) Believe in ghosts
() Have more than 30 pairs of shoes
(x) Worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say(I knew what they would say, I didn't really have a choice)
() Gone streaking
(x) Played chicken (yeah brent ran me over....guess I neither of us were chicken)
() Been skinny dipping
(x) Been pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on
(x) Been told you're beautiful by a complete stranger(Yeah it was freaky it was a guy at a gas station in Santa Cruz....he looked at me and said something like "You are a beautiful soul....he doesn't deserve you" and I there was nobody with me)
(x) Broken a bone (are you kidding me?)
(x) Been easily amused
(x) Caught a fish then ate it (I have both caught a fish and ate a fish that was just caught but they weren't the same fish...I don't know if that counts)
() Caught a butterfly
(x) Laughed so hard you cried
(x) Cried so hard you laughed
(x) Mooned/flashed someone
(x) Had someone moon/flash you
(x) Cheated on a test
(x) Forgotten someone's name (all the time)
(x) Slept naked (all the time)
() French braided someone's hair
() Grown a beard

I'm hanging in, I'm hangin out, and hangin on!

It has been a very rough week for me. I am really looking forward to getting together with my girlfriends (that includes you Shawn) this weekend. I can't really afford to go to Stockton (I just made my budget tonight) but I think that if I don't I will spend the next couple weeks in a catatonic state. Work is going ok, although I am having problems with several of my usernames and passwords which prevented me from taking my first calls today. That bummed me out because I really wanted to see how ready I actually am. After work I visited a really cozy coffee house in downtown Chico. While I was there I finished reading my Harry Potter book. It is still not my favorite of the set, but I do think it is my second favorite. I was not surprised by the ending even though it did not end exactly the way I thought it would. I won't say anymore so that I don't give it away to anyone who hasn't finished.

I have been feeling very down in the dumps since the weekend. It wasn't a successfully relaxing weekend with my parents fighting, and some news I received. I ended up giving up on the friendship idea with the ex for various reasons that I am not going to go into here, and I have just been feeling really ugly lately for no apparent reason (well maybe there are a few but they aren't really important). I just feel really lonely and out of it. It's definitely true what they say about not being able to go home again. I have tried to revisit some of my past "homes" in the last couple of months and it really hasn't worked. It is even worse when you realize this sentiment in the MIDDLE of trying to regain what you once felt. Alls well, it is all for the best anyway. If it is true that it takes twice the length of your relationship to truly heal I have a long way to go anyway. I hope it gets easier because I don't know how many more weeks like this I can handle.

Quote of the day:

Early on, I resigned myself to being in the dark on all but the most important things, she said, & it's not such a bad thing because you don't see a lot of the stuff you usually get anxious about.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

#14 - Someday by Nickleback

How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able, to see the signs that we missed
And try turn the tables

I wish you'd unclench your fists, and unpack your suitcase
Lately there's been too much of this
But don't think it's too late

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when

Well I'd hope that since we're here anyway
That we could end up saying
Things we've always needed to say
So we could end up staying
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)


How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able, to see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
I know you're wondering when

Monday, August 01, 2005

Wow I feel Schizophrenic :-)

I received my daily Health and Well Being e-mail from Beliefnet. The topic was on Schizophrenia...which is odd because I was just thinking about this disease. In light of that I am posting some information and a link below.


Schizophrenia is a chronic, severe, disabling brain disease that interferes with the way a person thinks, speaks, expresses emotions, and behaves. It does not mean a split or multiple personality.

For more information click here

Quote of the day

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.
–James Baldwin