My Music

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Is the end really the end, or just another beginning?

All beginnings require that you unlock a new door.

- Rabbi Nachman of Bratslav

The inspirational quote of the day reminds me of a conversation I was having with a friend of mine last night. I was asked if I had moved just to take a break or if I was forced to move because of circumstances. I thought I would share what I said to him.

While it is true that I did need a break that is not the real reason I moved. I actually had a place lined up to live in and I still had my part time job but it just wasn't going to cut it. At first I felt very FORCED into this move, but as things have started to come easier for me I have come to the conclusion that it was the best thing that could have happened (meant to be if you will).

I have a problem letting go of the past, even when I know it is the best thing for me. If I had stayed I would not have focused on myself and getting through the nursing program so when I got a job up here within 2 days of applying I decided I really didn't have a choice. I couldn't afford it down there, and I REALLY needed to be away from Jaye and all his shit.

When I first left I clung desperately to the idea of returning down to the area for school (within the year) but as time goes by that looks very improbable. I have always said my goal was to get to Seattle so maybe this was the push I needed to get out of the area. Most of my family has left, and really the only thing that ties me to the area are the few friends that I have (and some REALLY bad relationship memories) I guess to answer your question directly (it's about darn time huh?) at the moment I don't have any immediate plans to return to the area. I will always stay in contact because of my friends but it will be a very long time before I call Stockton/Lodi home. Sometimes you just have to leave in order to let go, at least I do.

Where my newfound confidence comes from I honestly can not say. What I do know is that despite my feelings my NUMBER 1 pet peeve at the time is when people say "I know that I am doing the right thing for Shanda even if she doesn't see that now" or "Shanda is much better off without me and I am very proud and happy for her in all the forward movements she has done with her life. In the long run of her life I will be a speck (if that) on the radar." To people who say that I say "SCREW YOU!" I am a big girl and am perfectly capable of deciding how to handle things and who I want to have in my life. If you truly cared about me or thought I was ever really your friend then you would respect me enough to let me make my own decisions regardless of what you think of yourself.

I have obviously still not come to terms with the fact that I was forced into my current situation. While I think its for the best and am doing really well I still resent the fact that someone can say "I truly care for you and am so proud of what you are doing" but they didn't freakin care enough about me to accept my decision to work things through, or to even try to hold on to the friendship. I wish they could just be honest and say "you know, I never really cared about you more than I care for myself, and I'm really not that into you after all." A little honesty would hurt a whole hell of a lot less than the crap that I have been dealt. And don't even think about telling me that "You are so much better off without me" because that insults me if simply for the fact that I wanted to be your friend. I am sure that with time I will work past these feelings to, but at what cost? Until then I'm going to take my own advice:

"You might have to adjust your dream to fit your circumstances. It takes time, and you have to be willing to put aside all the anger and resentment that you have with life in general for not making it easy to achieve your dreams. If it was easy, would it be worth it? Bottom line, you have to make yourself happy because no one else can or will. I am a firm believer in the idea that you can not be happy if your job makes you miserable. Above all else, always remember every "end" is really another beginning."


LeMorse said...

Okay I am sorry if I said something that made it seem like I was taking any kind of credit for your improvements on your own life. I can be proud of you, I am proud of people when THEY do the right thing. I myself have made no desicions for you at all. This is all you and THAT is why I can say I am proud. You have done some great things for yourself. As far as the speck comment is, it is really to everyone I say that. Over-all that is what I am in peoples lives. They move on, do their own thing and make their own lives glorious. So if I said something that upset you, I am very sorry.
If you would like me to stop commenting on your blog just ask and I will, if that will help. Just happy for the people around me who are doing well for themselves.

Shan'Chelle said...

Once again you miss the point. I never said that you were taking credit for what I have done. What I said is that I am frustrated by your lack of understanding, acknowledgement, or caring for my feelings or your impact on my life. As for you making no decisions for me, that is not true. I am not going to go into the details, but if there was anything I could have done to change these decisions I would have thus indicating they were not my decisions. These were your ideas for how my life would be "better off". Regardless of how correct or incorrect you may have been, it was still not my decision (it was my choice to accept your decision but not to make it).

As for the speck comment, it's ridiculous. I understand that is how you feel, however, you need to understand that it is not reaity. While "everyone" may move on to do their own thing that doesn't mean you haven't made or continue to make an impact in their lives. The fact is that you just don't stick around for them to tell you about it (or if you do you conveniently don't listen or understand what they are trying to show/tell you).

As for you being happy for me doing well that is your perception. Let me just reiterate that the only thing I am really doing well at is adjusting my dreams to fit my circumstances. That doesn't mean that I will ever forget the plans and promises that were made and broken or that they won't always be a part of who I become.

If you want to walk away from me again (this time completely) I will leave that decision to you as well. It doesn't matter either way because your impact will be felt regardless of if you are talking to me or not. This is not intended as a compliment or a even a wistful thought, simply a fact. You can't remove your presence from my life no matter how much you may want to (trust me if that was the case I would be a whole hell of a lot more settled with my life). That is all I have to say, I hope I have made myself clear.

Avery's mom said...

Follow your heart
not your emotions
theres a thin line, but you'll see it and become even closer to who you are

Avery's mom said...

the beginning is always scarry
the end is always sad
it's the middle that counts

NewYorkMoments said...

I am the queen of not letting go. If I could find the secret, I'd own the world.

Annie said...

I know how you feel. I had the break-up situation where my ex was virtually leading a double life and decided to "come clean" (thank god!) and my favorite line when I asked him "why did you cheat on me, why not just say 'I don't want to be with you 5 years ago' and break-up with me when I didn't care?" His response (and this is great) was "well, I didn't want to hurt you." Oh, okay. This is a lot better. Waiting for 5 years was totally the right way to go with that. Thanks.

After breaking up we were trying to "be friends" (stupidest idea EVER, but I was confused) and he told me one day, like 3 weeks after we break up, that he was moving in with the girl he had been cheating on me with - but could I call my aunt and uncle and see when he is supposed to housesit and let him know - and he hoped i was doing well. That was the last straw for me. That prompted my "strong women" moment when I told him (nicely) to call my aunt and uncle himself and to fuck off and never talk to me again because he sure as hell didn't care how i was doing. Friends don't treat each other the way he had treated me and I didn't even want to bother with him anymore.

Sorry for my long story, yours just reminded me of all that crap...Just keep working through the pain - you will find someone who is truly right for you!!

Shan'Chelle said...

Robyn - I love that quote...and Hope Floats is a GREAT movie

NYM - I've noticed ;-)

Annie - Thank you sooooooo much for sharing your story. It really does help to know that I'm not alone, and maybe someday soon this type of thing won't bother me but I just haven't felt very strong lately :-) Hope your closing weekend is fabulous!