All beginnings require that you unlock a new door.
- Rabbi Nachman of Bratslav
The inspirational quote of the day reminds me of a conversation I was having with a friend of mine last night. I was asked if I had moved just to take a break or if I was forced to move because of circumstances. I thought I would share what I said to him.
While it is true that I did need a break that is not the real reason I moved. I actually had a place lined up to live in and I still had my part time job but it just wasn't going to cut it. At first I felt very FORCED into this move, but as things have started to come easier for me I have come to the conclusion that it was the best thing that could have happened (meant to be if you will).
I have a problem letting go of the past, even when I know it is the best thing for me. If I had stayed I would not have focused on myself and getting through the nursing program so when I got a job up here within 2 days of applying I decided I really didn't have a choice. I couldn't afford it down there, and I REALLY needed to be away from Jaye and all his shit.
When I first left I clung desperately to the idea of returning down to the area for school (within the year) but as time goes by that looks very improbable. I have always said my goal was to get to Seattle so maybe this was the push I needed to get out of the area. Most of my family has left, and really the only thing that ties me to the area are the few friends that I have (and some REALLY bad relationship memories) I guess to answer your question directly (it's about darn time huh?) at the moment I don't have any immediate plans to return to the area. I will always stay in contact because of my friends but it will be a very long time before I call Stockton/Lodi home. Sometimes you just have to leave in order to let go, at least I do.
Where my newfound confidence comes from I honestly can not say. What I do know is that despite my feelings my NUMBER 1 pet peeve at the time is when people say "I know that I am doing the right thing for Shanda even if she doesn't see that now" or "Shanda is much better off without me and I am very proud and happy for her in all the forward movements she has done with her life. In the long run of her life I will be a speck (if that) on the radar." To people who say that I say "SCREW YOU!" I am a big girl and am perfectly capable of deciding how to handle things and who I want to have in my life. If you truly cared about me or thought I was ever really your friend then you would respect me enough to let me make my own decisions regardless of what you think of yourself.
I have obviously still not come to terms with the fact that I was forced into my current situation. While I think its for the best and am doing really well I still resent the fact that someone can say "I truly care for you and am so proud of what you are doing" but they didn't freakin care enough about me to accept my decision to work things through, or to even try to hold on to the friendship. I wish they could just be honest and say "you know, I never really cared about you more than I care for myself, and I'm really not that into you after all." A little honesty would hurt a whole hell of a lot less than the crap that I have been dealt. And don't even think about telling me that "You are so much better off without me" because that insults me if simply for the fact that I wanted to be your friend. I am sure that with time I will work past these feelings to, but at what cost? Until then I'm going to take my own advice:
"You might have to adjust your dream to fit your circumstances. It takes time, and you have to be willing to put aside all the anger and resentment that you have with life in general for not making it easy to achieve your dreams. If it was easy, would it be worth it? Bottom line, you have to make yourself happy because no one else can or will. I am a firm believer in the idea that you can not be happy if your job makes you miserable. Above all else, always remember every "end" is really another beginning."