My Music

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Grandma's memorial

This last week has been a roller coaster of emotions. The one thing I have known without a doubt was that I needed to share something special about grandma with everyone so that she is not forgotten. I pushed myself to come up with something to say but couldn’t seem to come up with the right words to express the special bond that I had with this magnificent woman. It was not for lack of memories that I struggled; I have millions of those. I am lucky enough to have 28 years of memories. How do I sum up 28 years in a way that would make everyone understand the effect that she has had on me?

Not surprisingly it was in the bathroom this morning that an idea hit me. It does not surprise me because grandma potty trained me by sitting me on the toilet with a book and then she couldn’t get me out of there. This is where I do my best thinking. It is well known that anytime the family is looking for me I can likely be found in the bathroom, having gotten so absorbed in my book that I forget that I’m finished. My point being that as I was showering this morning I realized that what I need to share is not my memory of grandma but what she has taught me, and how in death she hasn’t stopped.

As we were going through pictures from grandma’s collection last night a picture of her that was taken in 1953 shocked me. The face staring back at me was my own. Grandma had told me the week before she passed that she wasn’t leaving me…she would still be all around me in the wind. I realize that this may be truer than I could comprehend. I see her when I look in the mirror. The truth is that she lives inside me and in the hearts and souls of every person that has ever known her and because of that she can never be forgotten.

I could stand up here and retell any one of the thousands of special moments that we shared but what would that actually mean to you? What does mean something to everyone in this room is your friend, your mother, and your grandmother is not gone. I believe with all my heart that by teaching me to love myself my grandmother has given the part of her in me a chance to make up for any regrets she may have had and to make the world a better place far into the future. I just hope that she knows that her first ladybug loves her mostly.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Soooooo True!

Hey all, sorry I haven't been around...its been crazy......I feel like I didn't even get a Spring Break and I ended up with most of the week off because Grandma died. I don't have time to go into everything now....hopefully will get a chance to update you again soon. For now my horoscope illustrates exactly how I'm feeling...

Sun Sign: Aquarius Rising Sign: Sagitarius

March 24, 2006
Shanda, sometimes you feel like you are in a video game being played by a teenager who has no regrets about having you get eaten by a monster! Today you should try a new game: avoiding stress! Whether this concerns your career or your personal life, you need to find some neutral territory where you can actually relax. How about going over to a friend's house?

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Real Life

"The Real Life" by 3 Doors Down

I wanted to find somewhere to hide
And I opened up and left those fears inside
And I wanted to be anyone else
Only to find that there was noone there but me

But I woke up to real life
And I realised its not worth running from anymore
When there was nowhere left to hide I found out
That nothings real here but I wont stop now until I find a better part of me

I let those hard days get me down
And all the things I hate got in my way
I could of screamed without a sound
I found myself silenced by those things they say

But I woke up to real life
And I realised its not worth running from anymore
When there was nowhere left to hide I found out
That nothings real here but I wont stop now until I find a better part of me

Thats out there somewhere
And it cant be that far away
Thats where ill find myself
And ill find my way out
Thats where ill find out

But I woke up to real life
And I realised its not worth running from anymore
When there was nowhere left to hide I found out
That nothings real here but I wont stop now until I find a better part of me

Its been a while....

As I have received several comments about my recent (unplanned) hiatus I decided that I would take the time to post an update. I have been doing very well and have been very busy of the last month or so.

I am very excited to report that I have met the most fantastic person I have ever known. She is beautiful, intelligent, witty, humorous, caring, socially conscious, and all in all a good person. I have gotten to know her a bit better as I have been spending almost every waking hour with her and am just amazed that I haven’t met her earlier. I am looking forward to getting to know her better and forming a bond that will last the rest of our lives.

Now that I have given my mom a heart attack, I can tell you that this fantastic person I have met is ME! (Don’t worry mom, I don’t have anything to tell you) I have never had great self esteem but I’m working on it, and I can honestly say that I’ve smiled more this year than I have in the past 4 years combined. I now understand that if I don’t like and respect myself I am just fooling myself if I think that anyone else will like or respect me. I think I have made a lot of big steps.

In other news I have been working full time (w/overtime) and carrying a full load of units at school. In February I turned in my application for the upcoming semester’s nursing program and this month I am applying for the respiratory therapy tech program. Hopefully I will get into one…I can’t wait to have the opportunity to work graveyard shift (who said the night time is for sleeping?) for an amount of money that will allow me to actually live.

We had a scare this week with Grandma so hopefully she will be feeling better soon. If you are so inclined take a moment or two to send a good thought into the universe for her. I’ll keep you informed as to her condition as we continue to get the news.

Other than that I have of course made time to tune into this season of American Idol.....I am disappointed to see that it looks more like a spin off of "Beauty and the Geek" this season though. What is up with the fact that all the girls seem to be judged on appearance and they give us 11 geeky guys and 1 "stud". I know this is a singing competition but there were a lot of women that they passed up that could sing but didn't have "the look" and it doesn't seem that they have the same standard for the guys? Oh well....just an observation. My early favorite for the season is Katharine McPhee....or as we found out on Tuesday Katharine "McFever".

Next week is spring break so I might have some extra time in the beginning of the week to blog but I have actually decided to take a couple days off work and go on a trip with my new friend mentioned above I am thinking that I am going to take off mid week and spend a couple days at the beach and visiting people in the bay area. Then on St Patty’s day weekend I’ll be in Stockton visiting with friends and seeing the amazing work that a couple of my friends are going to be doing on stage at Kiley’s dinner theatre.

Well I’m out of stuff to talk about (see y’all didn’t miss much)….again, I appreciate the concern that you guys have expressed in my absence. I love you all and look forward to catching up with you soon.