My Music

Friday, October 28, 2005

Scared of the dark?

So the weather here finally got managable for me. It started raining earlier this week and has been overcast and about 50 degrees since then. Its great, I love it! Dorito on the other hand is less than amused. We have been forceably trying to keep her in the house as the rain pours down outside and the dusty red dirt turns to mud. She has had a permanent scowl on her face since Wednesday. This evening after getting out of the shower it was my turn to scowl. My chubba kitty had managed to squeeze past my mom and get out the front door. Not only is it raining and muddy outside, but it is also nighttime which is a big no no for her. There are coyotes up here and my scaredy cat doesn't have the sense to hide from them. So after my deliciously hot shower I was more than ready to fall into bed. Instead I got to traipse out into the cold...dark....muddy forest of trees on the spooky mountain. I had my flashlight and am typically not really scared of being up here but something outside tonight had me freaked out. I made my way down the hill to the trees she usually hides in. The steam rising from my skin and escaping through my mouth and nose as I breathed. The sound of crunching gravel ceased at the edge of the driveway and it was eerily silent. After standing for a some time sweeping the flashlight through the darkness that lay in front of me while calling out for the chubba brat cat the hair on the back of my neck raised up and I felt as if someone was watching me. I was far enough away from the house to know that nobody from inside could see me. I turned to walk back (half expecting to run headfirst into someone or something) so that I could check the other side of the house. I couldn't shake the feeling that somebody was watching me and I realized that I was currently in the role of stupid girl in the horror movie that runs into the killers trap. At that point I thought forget you ree ree, if you won't come in I'm not going to be killed trying to find you. Luckily Ree Ree was more scared than I was 'cause when I got back to the house she was standing at the back porch. Will that stop her from trying to escape again tomorrow night? Probably not...just like the dark spooky mountainous forest setting will not keep me from chasing her down again....its just what we do!

I hope everyone has a Happy and Safe Halloween this weekend! :-)

Here's the Story of the Day:
Equal Treatment
Why do they treat us like children? they said & I said why do you treat them like adults? & their eyes opened wide & they began to laugh & talk all at once & suddenly everything looked possible again.

Monday, October 24, 2005

So I'm not stupid, just average!

You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

- Eleanor Roosevelt

UPDATE: Got the results of my midterm weekend from hell and they weren't AS bad as I thought. I consistently earned a C on all three. The reason I specify the phrase "earned" is because in my microeconomics class the teacher just randomly decided to give everyone 20 extra points (guess I wasn't the only one who had a bad weekend eh?), so I actually ended up getting an A on the test...but thats not what I earned....

That brings me to the quote of the day. It feels like over the last 6 months I have been doing things that I think I can not do all the time. It has been a slow process but I am finally starting to see some results coming through. I am finally getting my financial aid, and I'm almost through training at work. While there are still a lot of things I currently don't think I can do, I didn't think I could make it 6 months after the break up and I did so maybe I am wrong about those other things. The one thing I should have learned by now is that I can and will do whatever it takes to survive.

In other news, I took my health insight questionaire today for open enrollment this morning. This is a questionnaire that I had completed originally when I first started working. Suprisingly my overall health percentage has decreased. Not a good sign, but I'm working on it.

Hope all is going well for everyone. I'm just happy that Monday is over and I'm going to go lie down now :-)

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Well DUH!

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often.

You tend to give more than take in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

A fact about dating: A wise monkey never monkies with another monkey's monkey.

Today's tip brought to you courtesy of

Me thinks this is good advice that we will all laugh at and some of us will still ignore it :-P

The loser's guide to getting lucky

By Professor Richard Wiseman
University of Hertfordshire

Why do some people get all the luck while others never get the breaks they deserve? A psychologist says he has discovered the answer.

Ten years ago, I set out to examine luck.

I wanted to know why some people are always in the right place at the right time, while others consistently experience ill fortune.

I placed advertisements in national newspapers asking for people who felt consistently lucky or unlucky to contact me.

Hundreds of extraordinary men and women volunteered for my research and, over the years, I have interviewed them, monitored their lives and had them take part in experiments.

The results reveal that although these people have almost no insight into the causes of their luck, their thoughts and behaviour are responsible for much of their good and bad fortune.

Those who have succeeded at anything and don't mention luck are kidding themselves
Larry King
Take the case of seemingly chance opportunities. Lucky people consistently encounter such opportunities, whereas unlucky people do not.

I carried out a simple experiment to discover whether this was due to differences in their ability to spot such opportunities.

I gave both lucky and unlucky people a newspaper, and asked them to look through it and tell me how many photographs were inside.

Kenny from South Park
Professor Wiseman's formula came too late for some...
I had secretly placed a large message halfway through the newspaper saying: "Tell the experimenter you have seen this and win £250."

This message took up half of the page and was written in type that was more than two inches high.


It was staring everyone straight in the face, but the unlucky people tended to miss it and the lucky people tended to spot it.

Everything in life is luck
Donald Trump
Unlucky people are generally more tense than lucky people, and this anxiety disrupts their ability to notice the unexpected.

As a result, they miss opportunities because they are too focused on looking for something else.

They go to parties intent on finding their perfect partner and so miss opportunities to make good friends.

They look through newspapers determined to find certain types of job advertisements and miss other types of jobs.

Self-fulfilling prophecies

Lucky people are more relaxed and open, and therefore see what is there rather than just what they are looking for.

Luck is believing you're lucky
Tennessee Williams
My research eventually revealed that lucky people generate good fortune via four principles.

They are skilled at creating and noticing chance opportunities, make lucky decisions by listening to their intuition, create self-fulfilling prophesies via positive expectations, and adopt a resilient attitude that transforms bad luck into good.

Towards the end of the work, I wondered whether these principles could be used to create good luck.

I asked a group of volunteers to spend a month carrying out exercises designed to help them think and behave like a lucky person.

Dramatic results

These exercises helped them spot chance opportunities, listen to their intuition, expect to be lucky, and be more resilient to bad luck.

I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it
Thomas Jefferson
One month later, the volunteers returned and described what had happened. The results were dramatic: 80% of people were now happier, more satisfied with their lives and, perhaps most important of all, luckier.

The lucky people had become even luckier and the unlucky had become lucky.

Finally, I had found the elusive "luck factor" .

Here are Professor Wiseman's four top tips for becoming lucky:

  • Listen to your gut instincts - they are normally right

  • Be open to new experiences and breaking your normal routine

  • Spend a few moments each day remembering things that went well

  • Visualise yourself being lucky before an important meeting or telephone call. Luck is very often a self-fulfilling prophecy

Saturday, October 22, 2005

#6 - How am I doin? – Dierks Bentley

This one makes me smile every time. Its one of the faster songs on the list and in the great country tradition this break up song is bitter and sarcastic and just plain fabulous.

It's strange to hear your voice
I did not expect for you to call
You wonder how I'm doin
How I'm holdin up
Since you did me wrong

Well how am I doin' since you did what you done to me?
I can't lie I sometimes cry when I think of how it used to be
I keep my friends with me, I stay busy and I don't get much sleep
Baby, that's how I'm doin since you did what you done to me

Well now wait one minute, I
Failed to mention
Those tears I cried, are tears of joy
Cause' it was no fun there
Under your thumb and
Now that we're done I'm
Gettin' right every night
With every single ever-lovin' girl in sight, so


Well when all my friends heard what a
You know what you were they
Took me out on the town
But then I heard our song and
I danced along but
It felt all wrong cause'
She was sweet, she let me lead
She never took her ever-lovin' eyes off me so


Well I don't know what you were thinkin'
Runnin' round on me
Now you say you're sorry
Well honey....I

How are you doin' since you did
What you done to me
Girl don't lie you know you cry
Cause' you know how good it used to be
Yeah, tell me does the thought of
Losin' my true love make it hard to sleep, baby
How are you doin' since you did
What you done to me

Yeah how are you doin', now that you know
How I'm doin since you did
What you done to me

Friday, October 21, 2005

#7: My Favorite Mistake – Sheryl Crowe

I woke up and called this morning
The tone of your voice was a warning
That you don't care for me anymore

I made up the bed we sleep in
I looked at the clock when you creep in
It's 6 a.m. and I'm alone

Did you know when you go
It's the perfect ending
To the bad day I was just beginning
When you go all I know is
You're my favorite mistake

Your friends are sorry for me
They watch you pretend to adore me
But I'm no fool to this game

Now here comes your secret lover
She'd be unlike any other
Until your guilt goes up in flames


You're my favorite mistake

Well maybe nothin' lasts forever
Even when you stay together
I don't need forever after
It's your laughter won't let me go
So I'm holding on this way

Did you know, could you tell
You were the only one
That I ever loved
Now everything's so wrong

Did you see me walking by?
Did it ever make you cry?

You're my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake

Thursday, October 20, 2005

I'm impossible to forget but hard to remember

Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.

- Helen Keller

All in all I feel like I got a lot done this week and that makes me feel good. I just can't wait to feel well and good for once. I am so sick of being tired and sad all the time, and I know others are sick of hearing about it and dealing with it. Yesterday I was lending a sympathetic ear to a friend of mine at work who is going through a rough time and I almost broke down crying with her. Later that day she said I didn't mean to depress you and I just said "it wasn't you. Life is so unfair and I am having trouble learning how to cope with that."

I know so many people who live in the little town of denial (located on DeNile river) and I don't want to be one of those people anymore. I deserve better than that. I went to the movies last weekend and saw "Elizabethtown". I have been wanting to see it for a while, and I finally just decided to go even though I didn't have anybody to go with. I really loved this movie. It touched some nerves and was one of those movies where you find yourself laughing one minute and crying at others. At several points within the movie Kirsten Dunst's character (she was the weak link but then again I don't think there is much that she's been in that I have cared for) keeps saying "we are the substitutes..." which got me thinking about my life in particular. I have always said that it seems that I'm the always number 2. My friend and I had a joke for a while that it was better to be number 2 than number 23. Everytime Kirsten Dunst said that phrase in the movie though I just wanted to scream "WHY?!?" You keep saying that you are not the one, you are a substitute but you never explain why! I didn't understand what was holding her back until it hit me, I do the exact same thing because I don't feel I deserve to be #1 with anyone. I don't feel that I am important enough to matter and I don't know where this comes from. I can only assume that this was the message that the movie was trying to portray (again I think it would have been much more effectual with a better actress).

Thats when I started thinking, what is a substitute and why is it that I relegate myself to that status? I mean we know that there are a lot of things in this world that we use as substitutes or replacements. In fact, I just had questions on my econ midterm about substitute products. From a purely economic standpoint a substitute good one that replaces a desired good when the cost of the desired good exceeds the consumers capability to pay for it. Therefore, when the cost of good X decreases the demand for good Y decreases. This is my life people. I can name only one relationship that I have been in that doesn't fit this criteria and I broke up with him within a month. Human nature leads us to place blame with others for making us subsitutes, but as fellow blogger New York Moments recently posted if you focus on what you don't want that is all you are going to find. In this case if you focus on the fact that you are destined to be a substitute that is all you can ever be. Therefore, it is nobody's fault when your life begins to unfold that way.

So where does that leave me? I think that acceptance is the first step towards change so this is positive for me. Now its just a matter of retraining myself towards a happier more fulfilling existance. It takes time and repetition to make something a habit but it takes a major concerted effort to actually change a habit. Hopefully I will finally be able to overcome this hurdle. Feel free to follow along with my progress over the next few months. My last attempt didn't work out so well :-)

I'm sure gonna miss that poppin fresh dough...

Please join us in remembering another great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flakey at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

The day of a thousand dr's appointments

This was actually two days ago, but I was lacking motivation and energy so it has taken me until now to actually write about it. Tuesday was my half day at work so in order to take full advantage of it I scheduled three doctors appointments that day spaced about 1-2 hours apart. I'll let you know how they went, and you will see the effect that the sleep deprivation from only getting 3 hours of sleep the night before worsen as the day went on. All in all I got a lot done, but of course I left the last appointment with more appointments to be made.

The Optometrist

Most of you probably don't even know that I wear glasses I do in fact need glasses for reading and working on computers (I also like to wear them when I go out because it keeps the cigarette smoke out of my eyes at the bar....ok so I just think they make me look cute SUE ME!) Anyway, since the ones I have been wearing are two years old and aren't really helping anymore I decided to take advantage of my kick a$$ new insurance and go get them ($330 appointment and all I paid was 30 bucks!). I got off work at 12 and didn't have to be at the doctor until 1 so I stopped for lunch. The office was literally 2 minutes away from work so I figured I wouldn't have any trouble finding it. WRONG! I quickly found out I had forgotten the list of addresses and information I made for myself at home and only luckily was able to call them because I had used my cell phone to make the appointment and the number was still in the dialed calls log. Ok so I actually make it to the appointment on time, fill out all the paperwork and go back for my exam. At one point I had to use the restroom and was looking all around to find one. When I asked the receptionist it turns out I was standing in front of the bathroom door. I felt really embarrased and made some self-depreciating comment about needing to learn how to read. Without missing a beat the lady said "don't worry honey, thats why your here....we will get those glasses expedited for you!" FUNNY! All in all the staff was very nice and the doctor was friendly so that all went smoothly. Well between the paperwork, the exam, and the picking out of new frames I realized that I was going to be late for my next appointment. Not only that, I had no idea where I was going and I also didn't remember the doctor's last name. The staff was nice enough to let me use a phone book and I managed to find her (luckily) name address and phone number. I paid my copay and headed out to be poked and prodded by the next stranger...

The Internal Medicine Doctor

I don't know about you but when I get new insurance I am never really sure about how to find a good doctor. Nobody at work could really give me any solid referrals and the provider directories the insurance company gives you are pretty much a game of chance. Well this time I got lucky. I picked this doctor out because she graduated from the University of Washington and I am in love with Seattle. I knew nothing about her and I wasn't having very much luck calling the offices of other dr's in the directory (one lady told me "we don't do check ups, you have to have something wrong with you to see the dr when i told her i wanted to have my annual physical and was a new patient). After I left the optometrist on Tuesday I headed straight for the address I had written down out of the phone book. It was if "destiny" was guiding me there because I turned to soon (or so I thought) and all of a sudden I saw that the driveway was right in front of me. SCORE! I went in and the receptionist was very friendly. One thing I noticed about both of the offices at that point is that they weren't very busy. That is shocking for someone coming from Kaiser Sacramento where there is always at least an hour wait. It was a very nice feeling. One thing in particular that I really liked about the registration process at this doctors office is that they give you one condensed form for insurance rather than having to fill out 10 forms with the same information and then they give you a simple one page sheet where they ask you to write down your medical history AND why you have come to the doctor. I don't think I have ever gone to the doctor where they have had me write down why I am there. Doctors are intimidating people (especially when you are overweight) and I have always left the office having not addressed one of the issues that I went in there for. As for the doctor herself she was fabulous! So nice, caring, and genuinely concerned. I had been preparing my speech based on my past experiences with doctors ("Yes I know I'm fat, but thats not the problem can you please actually do you job and check me out?") and NOT ONCE did she ever mention my weight during our visit. It was such a relief. She did end up upping the dosage of my medication so I am going to give it another try, but she also made me set up a follow up appointment rather than just saying if you don't feel its working in 6 months give me a call.....I left very pleased.

I actually got out of that appointment with time to spare so I called mom up to see if she wanted to meet me somewhere in Chico. She hadn't eaten so I hung out with her while she had lunch after dropping off my prescription. Then it was on to my third and final appointment of the day...the dentist!

The Dentist

Well to be honest it was actually the dental hygenist but it was still at the dentist's office. By this time (4:30 pm) the fatigue was becoming more apparent. So much so that I had to call the dentist office 3 TIMES in order to find it. The first time I had to get the address and they gave me general directions. The second time I had gone way the wrong way and they had to get me back on track, and the third time I was driving around in circles in dowtown chico (1 block from their office) and just couldn't find it. Luckily they had sent my the paperwork that I needed in the mail and I had already filled it out. They took my right back and they informed me that they were going to clean me and document the general health of my mouth. I had just had a deep cleaning 6 months ago (after not going to the dentist for 2 years) so I thought it wouldn't be that bad. I WAS WRONG! My teeth are actually very good for the little amount of dental care they have received but my gums are another story. I think I must have lost at least a half a cup of blood while she was poking and prodding and cleaning my teeth. Mind you my dental insurance in Sacramento was through Access Dental and I could barely get them to take care of my teeth, much less my gums. After all was said and done I left with my goodie bag (it was so nice to go to a real dentist again because I love getting free stuff!) and an appointment to come back for an exam so that I can get set up to have my wisdom teeth out, won't that be a fun way to spend the holiday season!

I have more to say but I think I will continue on a seperate post to give anyone who made it all the way through this drivel a bit of a break! :-)

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

# 8 - "When I Look To The Sky" - Train

[Verse 1]
When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

[Verse 2]
And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave

[Verse 3]
Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything that life may send me
When I am hoping it won't pass me by

And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
there you are to show me

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here [X2]

Monday, October 17, 2005

Oh great, thats exactly what I wanted to find out...

Thanks to Horchata I now know that my barbie doll is a transgendered one. It doesn't even look like an EXECUTIVE transvestite, I'm bummed.

Which dysfunctional Barbie are you?

Transgender Barbie

You're a little confused, but that's not gonna stop you from saving up for your sex change. You like to party and make single, young men extremely uncomfortable.

Personality Test Results

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by quizzes and personality tests.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

#9 - Torn by Natalie Imbruglia

Well, its been a while but I have decided that I want to finish posting the lyrics to the Top 15 breakup songs I posted a while back. It is interesting that I am resuming on this particular song because it is EXACTLY how I've been feeling lately. Torn between the life I want and the life I have...

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn’t be that man I adored
You don’t seem to know, don’t seem to care what your heart is for
But I don’t know him anymore
There’s nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That’s what’s going on, nothing’s fine I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn

So I guess the fortune teller’s right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don’t care, I have no luck, I don’t miss it all that much
There’s just so many things that I can’t touch, I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn. torn.

There’s nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That’s what’s going on, nothings right, I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I’m ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You’re a little late, I’m already torn

Saturday, October 15, 2005 I really this stupid??

I just finished the second of my three midterms I am taking this weekend and man do I feel stupid. I actually studied for these tests which I seldom do because I can usually retain what I learn in class fairly well, however, it does not appear that I studied enough because I don't think I did well on either of the tests. Now those of you who know me well know that I usually feel like this on tests and then get them back with a great score, however, there have been times when my feelings were dead on (Bio 430 final was a big least I had a solid grade going in or I would have been screwed!) and I think that this is going to be one of those times. The test I took today was in my introduction to logic class. Because it is a Saturday class it was actually the material from what would normally be two midterms crammed into one 70 question 5 pages (front and back) funapalooza. Let me tell you! The first two pages I breezed through and to be honest I started to feel a little cocky (get your minds out of the gutter, you know what I mean!) Then I hit the third page and things started to unravel quickly. We had to know a buttload (yes that is an actual measurement and no I have not actually tested it myself) questions on forms of valid arguments and types of fallacies. Now bear in mind that there were at 25 different fallacies and they each can be very similar. I am a whiz at spotting illogical and fallacious arguments (huh christina??), however, we were expected to group said fallacies and arguments into their respective "families" and to identify specific examples of the fallacies. Now mind you my head was spinning at this point as I realized that I couldn't remember anything specific that I had learned over the past 4 weeks. As some of you may know, I have been having problems lately staying focused, remembering details, etc. and this test only reinforced that. However, I digress. Back to the test. I managed to work my way through these 30 questions of death and as I wrote the last answer I started to breathe a sigh of relief but was stopped mid sigh as I turned the test over and found that I was not done. OH no, he saved the best for last. He now wanted me to write a short answer comparing two of the lesser known fallacies to the forms of argumentation and explain why they are a fallacy! Oh just kill me now.

Since I am posting this commentary now you can obviously tell I didn't die in that room, however, in about 2 hours I am probably going to wish that I had because that is when I get to take my microeconomics midterm. What I didn't realize when I signed up for the Saturday classes here at Butte College is that they are what they call "fast track" classes meaning we are going to torture you with two chapters a day, 1 day per week, for 8 weeks. Stupid me decided to take two of these beauties.....I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment.

As a sidenote: I know that I need to get used to this type of schedule in light of my educational and career path, however, this week has been a bad one and I feel the need to whine about it. Next week I have some doctors appointments and I get my financial aid and I can start to work on the future but for now I am going to dwell in the misery of the present :-P

On a happier note, I received notification that I have been awarded my first ever grant! WOO HOO FREE MONEY! Now, this grant is no big deal in that I can not quit my job and go back to school full time, but it will help to dig me out of the whole that I have been burried alive within over the course of my life after high school. I found this out at a very fortuitous time this week actually, just another sign that I am probably in the right place for me for now (even though I am having difficulty accepting that). I need to regain some of that focus that I had when I first moved up here. It has been hard maintaining that because things have been soooo slow moving and I feel like I am running in quick sand. I know that the people close to me feel that this is because I stopped taking my medicine. The truth is that I felt this way before that, the medicine just numbed me up enough to put up a convincing facade that everything was going ok. I also know that it is some peoples opinion that I should have just upped the dose of my medication, however, that is not fixing the problem and that is what I vowed to do almost exactly 6 months ago. That being said, I have a doctors appointment scheduled for next week (actually I have 3 in one day for various things) and that will be the start of my concerted effort to get things back on track. I understand that I haven't been the easiest person to deal with lately, and I thank those of you who have stuck by me anyway. I have a tendency to withdraw and lash out at others when I am feeling this way. However, what is different for me this time is that there are numerous signs that even I can not ignore which are helping me to hold onto the logical part of my brain and fight off all this turmoil that I am creating for myself. In this case I would say that my problems are truly "all in my head."

On Wednesday at work I was not feeling well at all! It must have been obvious to everyone because I kept getting "are you ok? Is there anything you want to talk about?" from everyone in my training class. Being who I am I said I was fine, just must be coming down with something. On Thursday morning I cried all the way to work. By the time I got there, I managed to pull myself together enough to be able to fake my way through the first two hours. As I stood in the cafeteria at break a girl from my class came up to me and handed me a note. She said, "I know its weird, just go with it" and walked away. I stood there reading the note in shock. It said "I had a dream last night where you were telling me some very disturbing news. You were crying horribly and I couldn't get you to stop. I kept trying to tell you that everything would be ok but you couldn't hear me. When I woke up this morning I just felt this overwhelming urge to tell you everything IS going to be ok. I don't know if this dream means anything or if that is what has been bothering you, but I could not in good conscience ignore this feeling. If there is anything you ever want to talk about, please know that I am here for you."

It is natural to fall into the comfort of past habits and circles when you are feeling low, but in reality that only perpetuates your misery. I know that intellectually, believe me I do....but when nothing is going right and you feel completely alone in the world it is very hard for your brain to explain that to your heart. I have still not been successful in letting go of many of the things that I need to for various reasons. I have allowed myself to go places in my head that I really shouldn't have (and in some cases didn't even want to) all because it was easy, and comforting, and gave me the "connections" that I so much desire. I have fallen victim to my low self esteem yet again, and feel very disconnected from the world. I am also concerned with the growth of my obsessive complusive behaviour of late. I now realize that medication alone is not going to help and luckily I have very good mental health benefits through work so I do plan to take advantage of those. About a month ago I visited my grandfather's grave and told him (and anyone else who was listening) that I needed help. I just wanted to take this time to thank whoever heard me for coming through! :-)

Ok now that I've cleared my head its time to move on to studying...I'll let you know how it goes! :-)

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Don't get me wrong...

I personally love country music because they tell stories in a way that I relate to (and it probably helps that I have been listening to it all my life since my mom and her family are from Alabama.) Growing up it was a kind of shameful secret amongst this kids at school that I actually enjoyed listening to country music, and I think that mind set is perpetrated by the reputation of the south as well as by lists such as the one I am about to post. I am the first to admit that not all country is good (actually all of anything is rarely if ever good) but I thought I would be a good sport and post this since it actually did make me chuckle.


16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Having a bad day?

I know I've had a couple bad I want to thank my grandmother for forwarding me this joke which I'm sure I read before but was funny nonetheless. And to think I thought I wasn't going to have anything to post.

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one was able to solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred in that particular bed at about the same time every Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the mystery. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward in order to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just as the clock struck 11:00, Leroy Johnson, the part-time janitor who filled in on Sundays, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

So you think you're having a Bad Day????


The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid enthusiastic cheers and applause from the onlookers. A minute later, in full view of the audience, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????


A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to knock him loose from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy piece of firewood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having Bad Day????


Two animal rights advocates were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.

There now, feeling better????

And now for the quote of the day:

It is better to have loved and lost, than to live with the idiot the rest of your life.
–From a popular t-shirt

Saturday, October 08, 2005

The real me?

Here's the Story of the Day:
impossibly balanced between her memories of herself & her mirror in real life

The Ten Steps of Acceptance

When you accept someone:

  • Step 1: You honor the full sweep of your emotions.
  • Step 2: You give up your need for revenge but continue to seek a just resolution.
  • Step 3: You stop obsessing about the injury and reengage with life.
  • Step 4: You protect yourself from further abuse.
  • Step 5: You frame the offender's behavior in terms of his own personal struggles.
  • Step 6: You look honestly at your own contribution to the injury.
  • Step 7: You challenge your false assumptions about what happened.
  • Step 8: You look at the offender apart from his offense, weighing the good against the bad.
  • Step 9: You carefully decide what kind of relationship you want with him.
  • Step 10: You forgive yourself for your own failings.
  • Zen-like words of wisdom

    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
    for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave
    me alone.

    2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky

    3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
    neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

    4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be

    5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

    6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

    7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
    car payments.

    8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
    That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their

    9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
    he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

    11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
    probably worth it.

    12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

    13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

    14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

    15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
    back in your pocket.

    16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

    17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side,
    and it holds the universe together.

    18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
    19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

    20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

    22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
    the same night.

    Friday, October 07, 2005

    Its a twofer

    Ok I fell down on the tongues twisters job mainly because they didn't give us one for Wednesday and I sort of forgot about it. But now, for you tongue twisting pleasure I give you a twofer! Twist the night away y'all!


    The Flute Tooter

    A Tutor who tooted a flute

    tried to tutor two tooters to toot.

    Said the two to their tutor,

    “Is it harder to toot

    or to tutor two tooters to toot?”


    Are you ready?

    Raleigh, are you already ready?

    Are you really ready, Raleigh?

    Raleigh’s really ready, Riley.

    Riley, Raleigh’s already ready!

    Wednesday, October 05, 2005

    Is that what my problem is?

    Overcoming fear of intimacy

    Psychologists say that attitudes we form in childhood can actually cause us to push our significant others away, making true intimacy harder to achieve. But with some introspection and a willingness to be vulnerable, couples can become closer.

    Based on a decades-long study of married couples and their children, Robert W. Firestone, PhD, and Joyce Catlett, authors of Fear of Intimacy, believe that self-damning behaviors and attitudes are often passed from parents to children, and that these messages often block true intimacy between adult couples.

    For example, shortly after John married Sally, he passionately told her one night he loved her long, blonde hair, especially when it was flowing over her shoulders. John confessed he especially liked her locks just after they made love.

    The next day, Sally went to the beauty shop and had her hair cut short. When John saw it, he was shocked and felt like a rug had been pulled from under him. He felt anger start to rise, but then saw how pleased Sally was with the new hairdo and said nothing. But he felt distanced from her.

    Later, Sally recalled that as a child her mother frequently told her that she was quiet and ugly. Unbeknownst to Sally, that message stuck with her into adulthood. John's passionate admiration clashed with the deeply instilled "ugly" message, so Sally unconsciously set out to maintain her unflattering image by cutting her cherished hair.

    Attitudes inherited from parents

    In a child's mind, the parent is always perfect, so children blame themselves for parental faults and weaknesses, say some experts.

    "Small things can last a lifetime," says Catlett. "Sometimes children just pick up negative attitudes about themselves and about how their parents treat each other."

    "We grow up emotionally guarded and identifying with the powerful people who had control over us," Catlett says. And, writes Dr. Firestone, "A child might even take on all the anger, aggression, hostility and even guilt that a parent or caregiver might be feeling."

    Those attitudes, the researchers say, can contribute largely to an adult's self-image. Often, a child will hear and adopt her mother's or father's opinions and continue venting them for life.

    Messages commonly passed on to girls may include:

    • All men want is sex.
    • Men don't have feelings; they're always unfaithful.
    • Men won't let you have your own views about anything.
    • You've got to make a man feel special.

    Messages commonly passed on to boys include:

    • All women are overly emotional.
    • Women are fragile and sensitive; you must be careful what you say to them.
    • It's a man's job to make a woman feel good. If you can't, you're a failure.
    • Women always want more than you can give.

    Time to choose

    When a child who has heard these messages becomes an adult and selects a mate, that mate often resembles a parent or other significant caregiver. That happens because the person, and his or her personality, is familiar.

    Thus, many couples feel they are connected to each other and fall into "we think," "we are," and "we like" attitudes. But Dr. Firestone and Catlett say that is actually a fantasy connection.

    The cure and eventual intimacy comes when couples start to see their parents realistically as flawed humans with faults and weaknesses, as well as strengths. The next step is to use the same insights on their mates and themselves.

    Letting the beliefs out

    In Dr. Firestone's book and practice, the key to becoming closer is a technique known as "voice therapy," in which couples disclose negative attitudes and deeply held beliefs about themselves.

    For instance, when Sally got her hair cut short, she could reveal how her family considered her the ugly one. John might disclose that he still puts women on a pedestal and cannot direct anger toward them because he idealized his mother.

    Yet another man discovered he had a distorted view of men, women, and his lady love because his mother always said all men were weak, spineless and had to grovel to cope in the world.

    Increasing the intimacy in your relationship

    Another school of thought says that couples can become closer by celebrating the differences between them.

    Judith Sherven, PhD, and Jim Sniechowski, PhD, a husband and wife team, wrote two books on intimacy, host a radio show, and have a website dedicated to helping people become closer to their mates.

    "Our approach is designed to prevent your relationship from becoming sick," says Dr. Sniechowski. To accomplish this, Dr. Sherven and Dr. Sniechowski provide some hints on simple things you can do to increase intimacy.

    Some of the more popular tips include:

    • Remember, the other person is not you
    • Their behavior, attitudes and feelings are just as valid for them as yours are for you.
    • Be curious, not furious
    • "One of the most intimate things you can say to another is, 'Teach me about you,'" Dr. Sherven says. "When you say, 'Teach me why it is important for you to save every penny you make and spend no money,' you get into the deeper meaning of a person's behavior."
    • Be willing to receive love and compliments
    • Too many people have learned to feel undeserving. "Those damning voices from childhood can continue [throughout] your whole life," says Dr. Sherven.
    • Open up
    • When you tell your current fears, anxiety or upsets, you are being intimate," says Dr. Sniechowski.


    Fear of Intimacy, by Robert Firestone and Joyce Catlett. American Psychological Association, 1999.

    The New Intimacy: Discovering the Magic at the Heart of Your Differences, by Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski. Health Communications, 1997.

    Go Away, Come Closer: When What You Need the Most Is What You Fear the Most, by Terry Hershey. Hershey & Associates, 1990.

    Tuesday, October 04, 2005

    October Breast Cancer Awareness Month

    It’s important the people should know what you stand for. It’s equally important that they know what you won’t stand for. -- Mary H. Waldrip

    With that in mind I thought I would get back to what my life is about, health both mental and physical. I am sure that 99% of everyone who happens across my blog has had their life touched in some way by Breast Cancer. The research being put into this disease in just the last 10 years has allowed thousands of people to recover and live productive lives. I can only wish that we had realized the deadliness of this disease before I lost a very important person in my life to this disease. I love you Aunt Lee, this one's for you.

    Speak the Language of Healing
    Surviving illness without going to war.
    By Carol Orsborn

    As I began my journey through breast cancer three years ago, I felt adrift in a sea of motivational speakers, self-help books, and celebrity experts who uniformly encouraged me to battle for the ultimate goal: to be a “survivor.” More times than I can count, I found myself recruited to be a fighter in the “war against cancer," a war in which I was urged to struggle against the enemy, using the force of my will to “kick cancer’s butt." I was introduced to a culture in which "losers" are people who die and winners are those who emerge from illness “unchanged.”

    Admittedly, for some people, the war metaphors work. Many people are inspired by the language of warfare. The lucky ones struggle valiantly and emerge triumphant. But what about those whose return to health does not occur as planned? And what about those who don’t want to live their lives, regardless of the outcome, on a battlefield? Increasingly I began to wonder if some of us would be better served if we could lay down the sword and seek new metaphors for healing more in keeping with our own values.

    As it turns out, I was not alone. My first inkling of this came when I invited my best friend Susan to accompany me to a cancer fund-raiser. One step ahead of me in her own journey through breast cancer, she tried to beg off. Didn’t she want the inspiration? “I find it exhausting,” she replied, explaining that she was tired of being asked to go to war when her own sense of healing had more to do with nurturing herself than taking up the battle. For 25 years, Susan had studied with the Sufi teacher Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan. While I, a Jew, pursued my masters in religious studies at Vanderbilt, and Susan completed her doctorate in education, we had spent long, delicious hours discussing philosophy and spirituality in meandering walks and over tea. We never expected to have to continue our conversations at bedside while one or the other of us went through various stages of treatment and recovery for our breast cancers.

    Over the coming months and years, Susan and I began to speak a new language for healing with each other, calling upon our respective spiritual traditions for inspiration. We spoke of illness not as a test of survivorship--but as an initiation into the deeper mysteries of life. For us, life-threatening illness carried with it spiritual dimensions that the current disease culture did not come close to addressing.

    As we began to share our ideas with others, we realized that we were not the only ones who were seeking new and better ways to talk about serious illness. The people we encountered represented many diagnoses, religions, and lifestyles, and included both women and men of a variety of ages. What we shared was this: rather than go through serious illness unchanged, we wanted to be transformed by it--to ask and answer the biggest questions about mortality and meaning, and to find new resources of faith and peace--regardless of our prognosis.

    One of the first people I shared our thoughts with was Linda Quigley--a feature editor for Nashville’s daily newspaper. She had come to my house to do an interview with me about the book I had just written about resilience, a book drafted before I knew how badly I would be needing to take my own advice. Preoccupied with chemotherapy and the loss of my hair, I must have been the only person in Nashville who didn’t know that Linda also had breast cancer and had undergone chemotherapy. In fact, Linda, whose spirituality was based within the Twelve-step programs, had written an award-winning series about her own experiences with breast cancer the previous year. We were delighted as we shared the spiritual dimensions the disease had opened up in both our lives.

    I met the fourth of our quartet of authors, Reverend Doctor Karen Leigh Stroup, in an unplanned moment in the chemotherapy treatment room at Vanderbilt Hospital. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer while pursuing her doctorate in religion at Vanderbilt several years earlier. Karen, who has outlived her most serious prognosis first by months and now by years, reached out to me at a particularly scary moment to inspire me with the ability to hope against the odds. As the four of us have deepened our friendships, Karen, a Christian and an ordained minister, has brought her bright spirit and unflagging courage to us all, demonstrating that the spiritual approach we were sharing could hold up under the most serious of circumstances.

    Drawing on our divergent experiences and perspectives, we set out to see if we could identify some common landmarks in our journey through serious illness. Together, we identified five broad steps: psychological and spiritual stages that we had all encountered during the evolution of our relationships to our illness. From the impact and chaos of the earlier stages, to the challenges of making choices, the gathering of community, and finally the encounter with a more mature spirituality: we named this model "A Pathway to Spirit: The Five Stages of Transformation."

    First in our friendship and ultimately in our book, we have made the effort to grapple with many of the questions that are foremost on many people's’ minds--yet rarely get addressed. We have learned enough to know there are no easy answers or simple formulas. And no path will work for everyone. But for those seeking a way in which even life-threatening illness can be a spiritual path, we offer a place to start the journey.

    Keep those tongues a twistin'

    Tuesday's Tongue Twister

    If a Doctor Doctors

    If one doctor doctors another doctor, does the doctor

    who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the

    doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does he doctor

    the doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?

    Monday, October 03, 2005

    Its all about the birds and cats

    I don't think I like that murderous glint in her eye ;-)

    So as most of you know my little kitty is quite the huntress (much to the dismay of my mother whos is avidly anti-hunting). She has left dead mice on the porch and has brought live lizards in the house to play with and I am sure she would bring me a gopher if she could manage to catch one of the buggers. Last week I noticed a dead bird lying next to my car. I thought nothing of it knowing in the back of my mind that she probably killed it. Why she wouldn't actually eat what she kills is beyond me (probably because she gets to much "free" food in the house catching the critter is actually more of a game to keep her from getting bored)....but I digress. Yesterday we let her out to play and my dad and I were discussing her latest habit of hiding in the plants under the waterfall on the deck in wait of the little finches who come to bath in the water. As we watched she reached up and got some tail feathers of a fortunate birdie who managed to get away. About two hours later I was in my room watching T.V. when I hear my mom let out a screech. She was screaming "she's got a bird she's got a bird." She threw open the door and my cat looked at her with this bird hanging out of her mouth and took off running off the porch and into the meadow. My mom kept screaming so I threw on some shoes and took off after her into the yard. I knew this bird was already gone, but I caught up with her and reached out to pick up the bird. It was still alive (barely) and as I searched for puncture wounds I saw a couple of drops of blood on my fingers. There was nothing that we could do for this bird. My cat at this time was thrilled that I was there. She kept weaving in and out of my legs as if to say "see momma...didn't I do a good job...why are you guys yelling at me? can I have my birdie back?" Well, the bird died in my hand and of course my cat didn't want to actually eat it so we gave it a garbage can burial. Now my mom doesn't want to let my baby out, and Ree Ree doesn't understand what it is she did wrong and is not appreciating being cooped up. In addition to having tons of birds taunting her through the window (she is probably on the birdie mafia's list) she has my mom's new kitten Ally (who she hates) to annoy her all day long. She certainly did not look pleased when she walked in the room to find what is pictured below. I've seen what Ree can do to birds and mice, I think Ally shouldn't be so cocky, don't you think?

    Its a week of twisting your toungue

    For customer service week my job has started posting tongue twisters for us to improve out telephone speaking skills. Thought y'alls tongues should get a work out too for whatever purposes you may see fit ;-)

    Monday's Tongue Twister

    Betty Botter

    Betty Botter had some butter,

    “But,” she said, “this butter’s bitter.

    If I bake this bitter butter,

    it would make my batter bitter.

    But a bit of better butter —

    that would make my batter better.”

    So she bought a bit of butter,

    better than her bitter butter,

    and she baked it in her batter,

    and the batter was not bitter.

    So ’twas better Betty Botter

    bought a bit of better butter.

    Saturday, October 01, 2005

    23rd Post

    Thank you Brooke for a new thing to steal. Babble on! That being said I'm with her on the lack of original thought. Here are the instructions.

    1. Delve into your blog archive.
    2. Find your 23rd post.
    3. Find the fifth sentence.
    4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.

    shanda is when it's their turn to take part in the slippery salmon relay race

    As it turns out this is from my "googilism" post. In looking back I was afraid that it was going to be a picture because I post a lot of pictures, but it wasn't. To review the entire post Click Here