My Music

Thursday, June 30, 2005

4 hours sleep and still ticking....

Hey all, Haven't had any time to post or read blogs over the last couple of days cause its been crazy! My parents came down to get my "last load" (which is not really my last load because I have filled up my car twice and still have crap around here. Have you ever noticed that when you are moving after a while it gets to the point where you look around and think "oh wow, almost done just one more load"....and then when you are done with everything that will possibly fit into the car you come back in and find that your stuff has multiplied and you have more than you ever remember having? Well I do know this feeling because that is what I've been doing for the last 2 days. Yesterday started off slow. I was running really late and still had to call and arrange for all of the house stuff to be turned off. After the first phone call (of three) I realized there was no way I was going to be on time for work. I started looking around and realizing just how much work I had left to do so I called in to work and let them know that I couldn't make it in. I finished my phone calls (which took like an hour....geez SBC is slow) and put the notes I was taking in a safe place. Then I called my parents who were on their way down with some trash bags for me and the told me there weren't going to be there to load out until about 8 so I agreed to meet them at the freeway. While I was waiting for them I got the part that Walrus picked up for my car (thanks LeMorse)and was trying to put it on but there were no screws. After making a few calls I realized I was going to have to take the car to the dealer to get the parts. Luckily my parents were driving by there and my dad agreed to stop and talk to them (also check in on why I hadn't heard from the service department about the repairs they were supposed to make). I headed back to the house just in time to meet Christina who was sweet enough to come up early to help out when I told her that I wasn't going to work. We went inside and started to work. We boxed, and packed, and sorted, and joked (did you know generic duct tape from Big Lots smells like wet dog? WE learned that yesterday). Being the eternal optomists that we are we were deciding to go visit our friend Shawn that night at Karaoke when everything was out of the apartment. As it turns out this plan was doomed to failure because as we soon realized, I had more stuff left then I thought. We worked through the day (answering phone calls every 30 minutes or so) and at about 4 pm Walrus called to find out if we needed anything from WalMart. He was getting a money order for the rent and also said he would bring us some food. We both wanted a salad from Wendy's so we decided to take a break while waiting for him so that Christina could check on her jury duty online. Turns out she had to check again today after 11 so we spent some time surfing horoscopes and getting tarot readings online (mine were REALLY good, hers confirmed what she already knew :-() By this time it was 5:30 and the Walrus wasn't here. As I was going to call him he walked through the door. Turns out he got sent on a wild goose chase to the bank and then hit REALLY horrid traffic. We all sat down to eat and talk then we got back to work. We sorted, boxed, cleaned, etc and by the time my parents showed up we were pretty much ready. It didn't take long to find out that all my stuff wasn't going to fit in my parent's truck so I moved my car and started loading that as well. The tension was thick because my parents are understandably upset about the situation. I was SO expecting not to get out of this apartment without having the Sherrif called on us but as it turned out it was just really uncomfortable. I am very proud of my mother, I know how hard it was for her and while she was not the "pied piper of positivity" she respected my wishes and wasn't mean or cause a scene. After my parents left Christina and I finished loading my car and hers and then she helped Jaye get his car full and we all took off down to Stockton to unload. It was getting late and we were all tired (and Christina was understandably unhappy because she smelled like vinegar which spilled on her while she was moving the box). We went to our respective drop off points and agreed to meet at a local truck stop for coffee and desert on our way back to Sac. We made really good time (Cjristina and I had farther to go) and we only left the Walrus alone in the restaurant for 30-45 minutes. Walrus treated us to caffine and sugar and then we headed back. Unfortunately it took longer than we thought and we didn't get back until about 3 am. We still had more to do! Cjristina made me load my car again and we ALMOST got everything (turns out they found more stuff today...damn!) and then I collapsed on the couch and was out at about 4 am. Cjristina took the floor and we were up again at 7:30 (ok so I went back to sleep for an hour after Walrus took Cjristina and a load of stuff but I had to work today!) So with only about 4 hours of sleep total I made it to work only 10 minutes late and stayed all day (I didn't do half bad on my appointments today either!). On the way home I talked to Walrus and found out that there was good and bad news. Good news is we don't have to be out until the 2nd (saturday) because we didn't put our notice in soon enough (yay we have more time) the bad news is everything is scheduled to be turned off tomorrow and we have to pay 62 more dollars. Everything is coming together slowly but surely, and it is very depressing but I just live for the moment and work through it one emotion at a time. I know Walrus was upset yesterday about how different it is with him and my dad, and I talked to me dad about this. Other than the fact that I am his little girl and he hates what this is doing to me, he also feels a bit betrayed. He apparently in one of his conversations with the Walrus when we first started dating asked him "so what happens in 2-3 years when you get tired of my daughter? Are you just going to up and break her heart like everyone else?" Walrus apparently responded "oh no, this is different, Shanda is different." My dad has watched the changes in me over the past 2-3 years realizing that inevitably he was right. If you talk to my dad he can tell you how much he has hated watching this progression but my dad is one to let time tell and let you learn from your own mistakes. He knows that I am not blameless for my relationship problems and I think that the best chance for time to fix things for Walrus (like he hoped for on his blog) is for him to stick to what he plans and actually follow through with working on himself. I can not speak for my dad and say that he will ever forgive him, but I know that the only way he even has a chance is if he completely changes his ways.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Bipolar Weekend

Well this weekend was very up and down for me. Friday I drove back to Sac from Chico to put in my 2 week notice for my job on my way to Stockton for dinner. I stopped by the apartment on the way. Not much had changed. Still a freakin disaster. I looked around and realized I left all of my stuff up in Chico, damn! I put together some stuff and was posting my update on the blog when LeMorse showed up. He was all chatty but I wasn't really in the mood. I got a call from Cjristina and got the story about the bus. Before I left I talked to LeMorse a little about my plans and he said he was going to finish cleaning out the storage before taking a load to Lodi (he didn't btw). Ok fine. He gave me a movie and suggested I watch it with Cjristina that night...ok sure. I left and headed to Stockton. Had a great dinner with The Acting Golfer, Mrs. Acting Golfer, and cjristina where I ate really good chipotle raviolis (California Pizza Kitchen) and learned that Cjristina wanted to "go down because she had never been there before". She was actually referring to Disneyland but any of you that know us (or are learning quickly) know that our dirty minds didn't think of "the happiest place on earth". Cjristina is known for catching on really quickly to such dirtyness but this was a slow night for her and it took her some explaining before she caught on. After dinner (and me almost leaving my debit card as a tip) we went our seperate ways. I don't know if Mr. & Mrs. Golfer ended up at the Jackson Casino but Mr. Golfer was itching to go so if they did I hope that they did well(or at least broke even). I planned to meet Cjristina back at her house and ran some errands (including hitting up the local Target for some clothes :-)) and headed back to Cjristina's for a chat. While I was there LeMorse called and apparently expected Cjristina to ditch me for the lounge which kind of hurt my feelings, but I let it go. I spent the night there and in the morning had a very difficult time getting motivated to move. I didn't want to face the apartment by myself and so I picked up lunch after returning some things to Target and went to visit my grandfather's grave. I had a good cry at the cemetary and still was not ready to go back so I went to my friend's house that I'm staying at for a week after we get out of the apartment (before officially moving). I knew that Cjristina was going to be at movie night as would LeMorse and Shark and Jea9. The more I dwelled on the situation the more upset I got. LeMorse has been partying for the last three weekends and now he's whining and crying about what a hell week its going to be. Instead of taking me up on my offer to help clean he would rather say "oh I have to help my parents this weekend" when he clearly was not staying away all weekend JUST to help his parents. ARGH! What gets me most is the fact that he keeps saying he wants to change and that I have showed him the light and he is doing almost exactly the same thing he has done at the end of every other relationship. He's partying, he's drinking, he's smoking, and he's complaining about not having any time to move or anywhere to live. My rational brain says that I shouldn't worry about it, not my problem anymore. But my irrational side is screaming "why are you being such a selfish bastard????" Unfortunately I should already know the answer to that question. Anyway, Saturday night I vegged in front of the TV and my wonderful friend Brent chatted with me to keep my mind off the situation. Sunday I woke up and felt a bit better but still didn't want to go back to the apartment so I met up with Cjristina, used her shower, and we headed for lunch. We had lunch at a little cafe where the worker behind the counter was all cute and flirty. At one point Cjristina smiled at me and said "you know your turning red right?" I just nodded and smiled. After lunch we decided to go see Madagascar. I needed to laugh and she was dying to see the movie (besides it was still a matinee). The movie surprised me. I didn't expect it to be as good as it was. A lot more adult oriented and tons of pop culture referrences. If it hadn't been for the kid behind me constantly kicking my seat (a major pet peeve of mine) I would say it was a perfect movie experience. After the movie I was feeling a bit guilty about all the stuff I still had to do so I dropped of "C" and headed back to Sac. I shouldn't have bothered because when I got there I figured out I didn't have my keys (I left first on Friday so I didn't lock the door and didn't even notice the missing keys). I texted Walrus and he said he wasn't going to be back until late so I called "C" and found out that she was heading to J9's house to watch "Finding Neverland" I LOVE this movie and "C" said she didn't think J9 would mind if I crashed their party so I met her there. Getting off the freeway back in Lodi I was stopped at a light next to a car full of guys who were staring at me. The light changed and I decided to just wave at them. I did so and started driving away and they sped up and blew me a kiss. That sure boosted my ego which had taken a few hits over the weekend. So I get to J9's and we order pizza and watch the movie. After the movie is over we are all crying and just start talking. I tell them about how I'm feeling, and they give me advice and listen to my cry about the crap that has gone on for the last 2.5 years. Most importantly they try to get me to stop feeling bad about the feelings (anger, resentment, fear, sadness etc)and to just let myself grieve and work through the situation. Now these are mutual friends and I am feeling guilty (I know,I have a lot of work to do) for unloading on them, worried they will think that I am trying to get them to choose sides. This is not what I want, I just need people to know my side of the story. At about midnight I am emotionally exhausted. I know LeMorse isn't going to be home yet (I'd bet dimes to dollars he is at the bar again and as it turns out I was right). I was so worked up I NEEDED a drink. While you may think this is hypocritical of me, its not like I said I needed to get drunk. I needed a drink to calm my nerves (and was very careful to wait a while before leaving). Cjristina was nice enough to accompany me to the bar so I wouldn't have to face it alone. We show up and low and behold we can hear LeMorse singing. I walk in determined to get and enjoy my drink damn the consequences. As we walk in LeMorse is finished and walks up to us. I go to the bar to get the drinks and he chats with Cjristina. He comes up to me to make some small talk about the DJ being sucky but I really didn't feel like talking. I just wanted my drink and wanted to get out. Because it was so late the bar was pretty much emptying out. We took a seat and about 5 minutes after we showed up LeMorse left. Cjristina and I took a shot and said goodbye to LM's ex wife and her husband who left very shortly after him. We actually stayed and talked for only about an hour more (long enough to have a guy at the bar introduce himself to us and to wait for the alcohol effects to wear off) and then I headed back to Sac where I got home about 1:30 or 2. I am glad that I ended up going to the bar because it helped me put into perspective (or make real if you will) the facts that I have been grappling over in my head about the relationship. While it makes me sad that I am truly no different than any other woman that has gotten caught up in his cycle of pain, I do understand that this is not the end of the world. I still am not really sure how the friendship plan that he wants will work out because a)I don't trust him b)I'm not sure he cares about anything other than himself and having a good time and c)he does not treat me as I feel a friend should treat me. I am sure that after I remove myself from the situation more permanently and begin to focus on positive things happening in my life it will become a lot easier. Maybe the only way for him to break his cycle is if I don't allow him that friendship connection. Maybe I am just thinking this way to hurt him like he hurt me. Either way, I am tired of the whole situation and can't wait for this week to be over. I want to thank everyone who helped me to actually work on myself this weekend and for all the others who have taken the time to read my "self centered" rendition of the events!

Carpe Diem!

Friday, June 24, 2005

Ok, its me....I'm on fire!

I got the job I got the job I got the job! Woo hoo! Just in time to give my notice for exactly 2 weeks from now. Actually, I'm still really bummed that I am not getting to keep my job, I LOVE the company I work for and what they do for the community. I am going to always keep giving blood, and who knows maybe some day I will be able to go back to work for them when I start the nursing program. Anyway, I'm running late, and I need to get going for dinner with some friends out of town. Just wanted to leave a quick update!

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Is it hot in here or is it just me??

Hey all, I'm posting from what feels like the hottest place on earth. No I'm not in the Mohave desert (although the landscape is pretty dry this time of year) I'm up in "the country" still. Just wanted to give an update since I haven't had a chance to post for a couple of days. Also, I wanted to say thanks for sticking by me and my incredibly long posts as of late. I am really getting the hang of this "blogging for therapy" thing.

Ok, lets start with where I left off. On Tuesday, the day was partially wasted on an incompetent dentist office (Access Dental) but I'm getting ahead of myself. For those of you keeping track, I did get up early (6:45 am) to make the 2 hour trek to Sac for my big day. I was VERY nervous about getting my wisdom teeth out. I had a bad feeling about it. The day started off on a light note (partially) when my dad looking out the bedroom window yelled "Ree Ree's got another Lizard" and takes off for the door. I would like to say that my father sprinted but he is a big guy with a bad knee so he kind of hobbled. He had left the back door open for the cats and didn't want another reptile in the house. He and I managed to beat her to the door and she dropped her prize on the carpet outside. Turns out it wasn't a lizard, but a small field mouse. Now ree ree loves to play fetch with those fake furry mice. I will throw them for her and she will retrieve them for me to throw again. Its very cute so imagine her surpise when she dropped this furry mouse at my feet and I screamed. She was very confused. When I picked her up and the mouse scooted off the back porch she was more than confused, she was pissed. That was the second time in two days I had let her prize get away. What kind of mamma am I? She jumps out of my arms and runs off to pout. We finish getting ready and load into the car (after the requisite mother/daughter drama and fight). We got to Sac at about 9:30. I had a dr's appointment at 11:30 and was supposed to be at the dentist at one (or so I was told by LeMorse who got the confirmation call the day before). We worked on getting my stuff together in the house and seperating some of the stuff that hadn't been seperated yet. It is not exagerating to say that my mom is a little bit upset by this whole situation. In fact, sometimes I think she is more angry than I am. I am not sure how to explain this, but we heard about it a LOT that day. The initial dr's appt went well and when we got to the dentist at 10 to 1 they told me I wasn't supposed to be there until 1:30. We wait around in the middle of Florin Rd (ghettoville of Sacramento) and have a conversation or two with some of the locals then they finally call me back at 1:45. Thats when they proceed to tell me that they have to refer me to an oral surgeon (something they could have told me 3 weeks ago BEFORE I took the week off work!) for two of the teeth and they would prefer that I get them all done at the same time. I was so pissed off at them I wouldn't have let them touch my teeth if they paid me so I walked into the waiting room and told mom we were leaving. Needless to say, she was not happy with the whole situation (still) and my dad had just left to go load stuff at the house and had to turn all the way around. We hadn't eaten so we stopped for Taco Bell (not a good idea considering the two hour ride we had and the propensity of TB to cause gas....ewwww!) We got back to the apartment to load the still unloaded furniture and I called the walrus. He was getting off work about then and I didn't have the energy to deal with the scene that would have ensued if he had shown up. Turns out he was running late and wasn't going to be able to stop by anyway. When we finally finished and got everything we could loaded onto the truck we climbed in to drive back. Unfortunately, it was now rush hour traffic so it was hot, the traffic was crappy, and I was worried that something was going to fall out of the truck (it was stacked pretty high) As we were driving down the freeway I looked over two lanes and saw what looked to be my Aunt and Uncle driving down the road. What a small world. So my dad honks at them, she looks over and recognizes him, but doesn't recognize me. Two minutes later she calls his phone and demands to know where my mom is (she was in the backseat). My aunt thought my dad was driving down the road with another woman! Wow, he must like them young :-) Or maybe I just look old. Either way, it made the mood lighten a bit in the car and we actually made it back home in record time (given the horrible traffic that we were in!)

As it turns out I may have been destined to take the week off regardless of the unsuccessful dental appointment. I applied for a job as a customer service/claims processor up here in Chico on Monday and they had me come in on Wednesday for an assesment test. I guess I must have done pretty well because the lady asked me to come back later that afternoon for an one on one interview. When she had finished asking me her questions in the second interview (about 45 minutes) we discussed my current situation and she asked if I would be available to come back for a manager interview today at 2:30. I said of course and she said we might as well do the drug testing now so that you don't have to make another trip down here. They did the drug testing with a little swab and I packaged it up to be sent off for testing. I came back today and the interview was very short, maybe 15 minutes. I should hear back about the job in the next few days. On the positive side it could mean that the interview was just a formality and that they were very impressed with me or it could mean that they had all the information they needed and didn't want to waste anymore of my time because they didn't want to hire me. I am leaning towards the more positive (I know its unusual for me, maybe its the prozac talking ;-)) I hope that I get it because I have come to believe that this is the best place for me at this point. I am comfortable enough to know that I have the support of my friends no matter where I am, and it will be easier to focus on me in this new environment. Thanks to my mommy for helping me to see this. Its going to take a bit of effort but after talking to Cjristina last night, I am feeling much more confident in my ability to juggle out of area friends and a new start in life. And I am getting closer to Seattle with each move so who knows how long before I make it there after all :-)

Well, I am going to let my mom have her computer back since we are sharing a computer line at this point(have I mentioned I hate dial up?). Hope all is well with everyone! Ta Ta for now!

Monday, June 20, 2005

Off like a herd of turtles

This morning I decided to brave the big bad world of job applications in the town of Chico California. As it turns out, I had more luck finding job openings in this town than I have had in Sacramento where I have been looking. Unfortunately, most of the jobs here want you to apply in person. Have I mentioned I HATE looking for a job. The whole fear of rejection thing makes me more than happy to hide from the world behind an e-mail or online application process. With that out of the way I just have to worry and obsess if they end up calling me for an Interview (which I also hate doing). Anyway, we started the morning by getting up around 9 am (pretty early for me)because a repairman was coming to the house and my parents did not want me to be in bed while he was here (don't ask me why, I think it was their way of getting me out of bed). So I hit the internet and made a list of all the jobs that I wanted to apply for. After I did that, I organized the list into ones that I was required to mail a resume (SNAIL MAIL! This is the country you know) and ones that wanted me to come and apply in person (YIKES!) I had four on the list to apply at in person, and added one more when my mom's friend stopped by the house to drop off a movie. Well as the repair man was leaving my darling little kitty trots into the house from the back deck and proceeds to drop something on the ground. My mom yelled at me to come clean it up because she thought it was a hairball. I had not so much as gotten out of my chair before I heard a blood curdling scream from the front room. IT'S A LIZARD! IT'S A LIZARD! Oh mi god, my little city cat had finally caught the lizard she's been chasing for a month and she brought it in to play with it. In all the commotion the cat sits the lizard on the carpet waiting for it to move so she can "play with it" and the lizard sits there stunned for a minute and then takes off into the bedroom. Off shoots the cat after it. The lizard went under my mom's heavy armoire which is almost impossible to move. The cat is pacing in front of the hole, crouching to see underneath it from time to time. My mom is screaming her head off and jumps onto the bed. My dad gets me a flyswatter and lifts one side of the armoire so I can try to "sweep" out the lizard. I manage to get it out and the cat thinks that she is supposed to catch it so she grabs it and holds it in her mouth. My mom screams don't let her eat it and the cat drops it and the lizard ran into the bathroom where I managed to corner it and pick it up. I personally don't care for lizards but I am seeming to be handling things pretty well considering I had a cat die on my lap yesterday and today I carried this blue bellied lizard out to its rock so that it could go back to its family. By this time its almost 1 and we still have to go to Oroville (opposite direction from Chico) to return some cat medicine to the vet that we had taken Chloe to (and mom wanted to go buy them a candy dish and candy to thank the dr. who was an ass to them but thats another story nevermind). By the time we got done in Oroville it was 3 o'clock so we had to haul butt to Chico to try to make it to some of the places to pick up an application. Now this may show my low self esteem but I was greatly relieved when I walked into the Chico Enterprise Record (local newspaper) and found that their receptionist was not an attractive skinny blonde. Pretty people frighten me, and everyone that I spoke to was really nice (even though I was a bumbling moron and forgot to write down which position I was actually applying for!) I was a little more calm. The next stop was Uniprise Healthcare and the receptionist there was very nice and informative. She gave me the business card with the online application (this was the one that my mom's friend had told me to talk to) and told me that they would schedule an assesment test when I filled out the application. Rock on. Next stop Clark Pest Control. This is where it got a little bit hairy. I had a couple calls into the doctor to find out about getting an appointment tomorrow morning and they had called and left me a message while I was inside so I called them back. While I was on the phone with them somebody that I had sent my resume to this morning online called my cell phone. Wow! That's like 4 hours turn around. It looks like the job situation up here might actually be a bit better. Back to Clark. I finished with my phone calls and went in to find out they had already filled the position I was applying for but were taking applications constantly if I wanted to fill one out there. Sorry no time, I REALLY wanted to get to the last place on my list today, Butte Home Health & Hospice. I want to be a nurse, and think that this would be an awesome place to get started working out while I'm trying to get settled up here. They were also very nice. The office was a little disorganized but then again, that is a perfect fit for me. They gave me an application and let me take it home so this evening I am filling out applications and getting ready for my trip to the dr's tomorrow. On top of that my dad wants to leave early so that we can move some more stuff up here (I have to be out of the apartment next week!). All in all a good day. I'll keep you posted on mine and Dorito's "adventures in the country" as they happen.

P.S. Thanks to Cjristina for the title of this post!

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Happy Father's Day Daddy

Well, other than the other traumatic events of today I spent the day with my daddy and mommy. Above is a picture of him. Because I'm such a bad daughter I was unable to find a picture of us together, but I figured that I would at least post his picture. My dad and mom and I went for a long drive today and ended up in Redding at an Indian Casino for dinner. We spent maybe 15 bucks on the slots and headed home. While we did have to deal with the tragic event detailed below, we had a good dinner and got to spend time together, which is the most important thing. It is always hard to see your dad cry. Unfortunately, today I did see that, but I take comfort in the fact that he is open enough to express those feelings. That is how you move past them, get them completely out of your system and learn to deal. Anyway, hope everyone had a good and safe father's day with their loved ones!

Rest in peace Chloe Baby

The cute kitty pictured above is my mother and father's beloved Chloe. This evening at the young age of 7 years old she succumbed to kidney failure and passed from this earth. We were all devastated and exceptionally relieved that she waited for us to return home before she left us. As we rushed to the emergency vet about 30 miles away she passed quietly on my lap. I hope that she knew how much she was loved and was comfortable when she passed (I petted her the entire time and spoke to her softly) but we were all in such hysterics that it was pretty much pandomonium in the car. I know that my parents are missing her profoundly. My mom rescued her from Wilson Way in Stockton and brought her home when my dad fell in love with her. She was so small and helpless, yet we soon learned that she may have been involved with drugs in her time on prostitute alley (aka Wilson Way). What I mean by this is that she acted like she was on crack for the first year that we had her. She would run through the house at top speed. Hang upside down from her cat tree. The only time that she took a break was to climb onto my mom's chest and try to nurse from her chin. She continued to do that throughout her life. A couple years later she had a traumatic experience while my parents were on vacation. One day while getting out of bed she shot under my feet and I was unable to avoid stepping down on her. It turns out I broke her hip. I felt so terrible about it, however, from that day forward she seemed to love me more. For several years while I lived with my parents she would come into my room at night and sleep on my bed. Chloe will be missed by all (even my uncle who "doesn't like cats") and I assure you she will not be forgotten.

Where they really get you is the soda...

Ok so today was a pretty emotional day. I planned to sleep in, but apparently that was not in the cards. I found myself wandering around the house at about 9 am after lemorse left looking at all the stuff that I still needed to pack and the sink full of dishes that had been the dividing line of what seemed to be a mexican standoff for a week. I made myself a bagel and dove into trying to clean up the kitchen a bit. To make matters worse I had the American Idol finale music running through my head because I had let my soap opera tape run while I went to sleep and I ended up dreaming about Bo Bice and Carrie Underwood singing to me in their underwear....very odd indeed, maybe I need to stay away from the Bahama Mama wine coolers before bed....but I digress. Anyway, to get myself motivated I put on my Three Doors Down cd which I found in the cd player and got to work. When I finished doing the dishes I moved over to the shotglasses and barware that I needed to pack up. When we first moved in I found a whole bunch of really neat old decanters on ebay and bought them (ostensibly for lemorse, but I was always planning on them being on my bar.....but thats another story). I had mentioned that I was thinking that I wanted one of them to him last week and he didn't really seem happy about it but he said ok. Then I put off the decision because I had an internal quarrel with myself about if it was the right thing to do (yeah they were all a gift but I'm only asking for one and I left him with most of the stuff) The one I wanted reminded me of my grandfather's old cars and I eventually decided that I would take it and wrapped it up. I sorted out some of our other stuff and left him the pepsi stuff (we did our kitchen in a 50's diner style...or we attempted to at least). Anyways, by this point its almost 1 o'clock and he is just showing up with his parents and sister to get the rest of his stuff to move down into his new storage unit. I thought I was strong enough to handle it today, I had been doing really well for the last week or so. He came in and said his parents were here with him and I kinda snapped but mostly because I was confused as to why he would announce it, as if I wasn't expecting them. But he wouldn't/couldn't explain what he meant so we let it go. Don't get me wrong. I love his family. They are wonderful people and have always made me feel as if I was part of their family. This was probably why it was particularly hard for me today, because I really loved that feeling and now I have to get used to it being different. I grabbed another Bahama Mama wine cooler and tried to compose myself. I almost made it through until I stood there and watched him moving stuff on the patio to get the doghouse of our dearly departed puppy so that they could move it. Thats when it hit me (again) that this is really happening, and that nothing is ever going to be the same again (which in some ways is good, but in some ways is REALLY depressing). I went back to the bedroom, willing myself not to make a scene and managed to compose myself. His mom needed to use the bathroom so I helped her get through our maze of crap and picked up the phone to call my parents to tell them I had decided I was coming up early for father's day. After I got on the phone his mom took me aside and said "I want to talk to you. I just want to let you know that no matter what is happening right now or in the future you are a part of this family and always will be I know that this is hard, and I gather that this is going to be the way it is for a while (or a pretty long time....I am really paraphrasing this because I was blubbering all over myself during this part) but maybe this is what you need to grow (she indicated grow up not out or apart)." Anyway, we hugged and she made me promise that I would take care of myself and keep taking my medicine. I tried to compose myself as best I could but I knew that I had to get away for a while. As luck would have it, I realized that my prescription would be ready at the pharmacy (can you believe its been 30 days since I started taking it???) and decided to run out to pick it up. As I was driving home (I got diverted because the bastards in Sacramento don't know how to drive and wouldn't let me get over so I ended up having to take the freeway up to the next exit and.....well thats another story nevermind) I got a call saying that they were leaving and would be back later today to get another load. When I got home I started packing my stuff still well aware that I have A LOT of packing left to do and I got all my stuff out to the car and started my drive. I just needed time to think in a confined space where I wouldn't be wandering through memorys (good and bad). The drive worked well and as I was coming up to the halfway point of the drive I realized I was hungry. I was REALLY craving Taco Bell. For those of you who don't know I LOVE ME SOME TACO BELL! I seriously have loved that place since I was like 3. This brings me to the title of my post (I bet you were wondering how that fit me, I'm not completely losing my mind yet, I have a point). Did you realize that you can get a serious amount of food at Taco Bell with 5 bucks.....its crazy. I have come to realize that where fast food places get you is with the drink (except Jack in the Box, they are just frickin expensive all the way around). Sure the food isn't good for you but you could get two or three meals out of 6 bucks (which incidently is what I had on me) if you plan right. And really, the best things I have had at Taco Bell are the simple things such as a bean burrito or nachos with jalapenos. Anyway, I digress. I usually get the same thing everytime I go to Taco Bell but today I was feeling adventurous and decided to go out on a limb for a club chalupa (kinda expensive at 1.99) and let me tell you DAMN is that thing good. If I had known I would have liked it I would have gotten two instead of getting the cheapo spicy chicken burrito (which was ok......). Anyway, where was I going with this? Oh yeah soda....I spent less than 5 bucks and couldn't finish the food I ordered (I was feeling piggy because all I had to eat today was a bagel and grape jelly and a bahama mama wine cooler) but had I gotten a drink I would have had to give up the slightly crunchy goodness that is the club chalupa. And did you notice that all the fast food restaurants increased their cup size a couple years back? No longer can you get a small, you have to get what used to be a medium passing as a small. I am telling you they did this just so they could start charging more money for their damn addictive soda. Ok, I'm done now. I just realized how long this post is and feel the need to apologize for rambling on and on about nothing really. But then again, it is my blog and thats really what it is for so in that case :P :P :P :P :P

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Have I ever?

*Snuck out of the house........ Yeah, but I never really had to sneak too much
*Gotten lost in your city......... All the time
*Seen a shooting star.......... Yeah but my wish still hasn’t come true
*Been to any other countries besides Canada.... No I’m sheltered
*Had a serious surgery.........Yup, I had foot surgery to insert a screw in my foot
*Gone out in public in your pajamas....... All the time, I inherited a love of pj’s from my mommy
*Kissed a stranger............Yes
*Hugged a stranger......... Yes
*Been in a fist fight........ Almost, but she wasn’t worth it
*Been arrested.......... Nope
*Laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose...... OUCH! Yeah
*Pushed all the buttons on an elevator........ No, I HATE that, its annoying
*Swore at your parents......... Yeah (sorry mom)
*Been in love....... I thought so at the time
*Been close to love......... What exactly does this question mean? I don’t get it!
*Been to a casino......... Yeah, they love to take my money
*Been skydiving.......... No but that would be cool!
*Skinny dipped........... I think so, don’t really remember that night ;-)
*Skipped school........... Yeah
*Seen a therapist........ Yeah, in fact I’m going to again
*Done the splits........... Once when I was younger….I used to be really flexible before I gained so much weight
*Played spin the bottle........... No
*Gotten stitches.......... Have I mentioned I’m a klutz? There was an incident when I was a kid where I stepped on a nail and my big toe was almost cut completely off. I was screaming so bad in pain that they had to put me in a straight jacket to stitch me up!
*Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.......... Ewww I hate milk
*Bitten someone............ Yup, don’t mess with me!
*Been to Niagara Falls........ No, but I have been to local waterfalls
*Gotten the chicken pox....... Oh yeah, and still haven’t recovered from the trauma of my mom taking nekkid pictures of me while I had them either! Love you mom
*Kissed a member of the opposite sex.......Yup
*Crashed into a friend's car........I didn’t run into the car they ran into me! Did I mention I wasn’t in a car I was on foot?
*Been to Japan......... No
*Ridden in a taxi............ Of course
*Been dumped........... Um….DUH!
*Shoplifted............ Once but I didn’t do it on purpose….really, I didn’t
*Been fired.............No, I’m an excellent employee!!
*Had a crush on someone of the same sex................ Not really, just thought that they were attractive
*Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back........... All the frickin time!
*Lied to a friend............... Yes, not good….not good at all
*Had a crush on a teacher............ Mr. Osterman was HOT! And he spoke French too…Ooh la la!
*Celebrated Mardi-Gras in New Orleans........... No but I REALLY want to
*Been married........... No
*Had children............. No
*Seen someone die............ Yes
*Had a close friend die...........Yes
*Been to Africa............ No
*Driven over 400 miles in one day........... Yes, not my car but I was driving
*Been to US............ Um, DUH!
*Been to Mexico.......... No
*Been to India............. No
*Been on a plane............ Yes
*Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show............. Not live
*Thrown up in a bar.......... More times than I can count
*Purposely set a part of myself on fire............. No, I’m crazy not C-R-A-Z-Y!!!!
*Eaten sushi........... Yes
*Been skiing/snowboarding............ Yes, it was quite a funny sight too
*Met someone in person from the internet............ To many to count
*Lost a child.............Yes, its an awful feeling
*Gone to college/university............ for a VERY long time
*Graduated college/university............. not yet, hopefully soon
*Fired a gun................... Sure, I had a nintendo…I loved duck hunt
*Purposely hurt yourself................. If you count some of my relationships then YES!
*Taken painkillers............... YES! I love me some prescription medication
*Been intimate with someone of the same gender...............yes, haven’t we all?

All about me

Ok, here we go:
--Three names you go by:

Shaunda (not by choice)

--Three screen names you've had:

Shanda_Panda (yahoo)
Shan’chelle (Blogger)
Shawanda (old inreach e-mail)

--Three physical things you like about yourself:


--Three physical things you don't like about yourself:


--Three parts of your heritage:

Food (lots of food)
Mental Illness

--Three things that scare you:

Being alone
The dark

--Three of your everyday essentials:

Ponytail holder
Cell Phone

--Three things you're wearing right now:

White Shirt
Sports pants
Ponytail rubber band

--Three things you want in a relationship:


--Two truths and a lie [in no particular order]:

I was a certified EMT
I was born in another state
I watch soap operas religiously

--Three physical things about opposite sex that appeal to you:

Arms (the way they feel when they hug you)

--Three things you really badly want to do, right now:

Forget all my worries
Go to school full time (not have to work)
Have an alcoholic beverage

--Three careers you're considering:

Respiratory Therapist

--Three places you want to go on vacation:

Seattle Washington
Paris France
London England

--Three kids' names you like:


--Three things you want to do before you die:

Change people’s lives for the better
Have children
Love myself

--Three people who have to take this quiz:

The first three people to read this

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

What do I taste like?

Ok get your mind out of the gutter. And please, anybody who really knows resist the urge to comment :-)

What Flavour Are You? I am Vanilla Flavoured.I am Vanilla Flavoured.

I am one of the most popular flavours in the world. Subtle and smooth, I go reasonably with anyone, and rarely do anything to offend. I can be expected to be blending in in society. What Flavour Are You?

If I wasn't Vanilla I would be:

What Flavour Are You? I tashte like Alcohol.I tashte like Alcohol.

Heh. Heh. I taste like beer. I like beer. Buy me a beer. I'm not drunk, I can drink plenty without... What was I saying? Beer. What Flavour Are You?

I personally would have preferred something other than beer but heck, you get what you get right?

The Interview

Well, I had the interview today. It turned out to be pretty much what I thought it was, a "sales" type job, but maybe that is what I need. Basically I would be recruiting people for financial services. I am still not sure that this is what I want to do but the interview went well and they really seemed to like me. We will see. I am going to keep looking and keep this in the back of the mind. I have never considered myself a good sales person, and I really wanted something that wasn't commission based but the setting my own hours part of the job is very attractive to me. Its not like I have anything to loose!

I officially made my dentist appointment for next Tuesday at 1:30 and am getting very nervous. It still amazes (and worries) me that this is going to be free and calls to mind question of the dentist's qualifications. I am sure I'm just overreacting. Let's hope so at least.

Well, I am officially at a loss for what to write next. I guess that might mean its time to wrap up and go pack some more crap (and clean the kitchen!! It's pretty gross...) I'll type at ya later!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Someone else said it better than I could

I am stealing some Mantra's from Undies! a blog that I came across. Though our situations are different, she has said it better than I could, and for that I say thanks!

I say to myself:
# Don't settle for less than you deserve because you love him and have a life together.

# He can not have his cake and eat too just to leave me to starve.

# Nothing will change unless I make changes.

# It will be hard no matter when it happens so it may as well happen now.

I am going to practice saying this over and over again.....

Believe it or don't

Hey, I found this puzzle and am now addicted to trying to prove my intelligence. Try it for yourself!

Wow...a new record with comments!

First of all thank you to everyone for helping me hit a new record with comments :-) I decided that since it had gotten so high I should probably make a new post just to give y'all something new to read. Well that, and keep up my new habit of communicating whats going on in my head.

Its been a blur of a couple days. I saw Mr & Mrs Smith last night with the Walrus. I liked the movie. It was funny and had hot actors that were nice to look at (always a plus). To tell you the truth I was not looking forward to using the free tickets we got (for a much more entertaining explanation of why check out Sleepless Walrus) It was still a little uncomfortable to be out with the Walrus but I had a good time. I laughed for the first time in a while which is good. I am still hurt, confused, and a bit betrayed because I am not important enough to overcome the problems and keep the promises he made. Maybe I'm not being fair but thats life (or so I'm told). In the right perspective I can laugh at his corny jokes sometimes so I'm making progress I guess. I am really trying to get past it for my own peace of mind, but I don't know if I really can. I am also a bit worried because of my current state of limbo and not having a place to live or a full time job while everything seems to be working out so easily for him. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish him harm but it makes me wonder whats wrong with me?

Good news though, when I got home on Sunday night I had a random message on my answering machine saying that someone wanted to interview me. I called them back on Monday and set up an interview for Wednesday (tomorrow). I was really quite proud of myself for going for it and not talking myself out of it even though I don't know much about the job itself. I need to get over my fear of rejection and I think this is a positive first step. There is a downside (you had to know my pessimistic mind would have one). The job is in Sacramento and I still don't have a place to live. I am still trying to figure out if I should stay here, but if I do I don't know what I will most likely not be able to afford to live in Sacramento which means an hour long commute to Stockton! I am looking up in Chico which is where I initially assumed I would move to (with my parents) but there are no jobs up there and my company decided not to let me work out of the Chico office afterall. BLECH!

I decided to take next week off to get my wisdom teeth out while it is still being covered 100% with my dental insurance (yay!). Also going to try to bust out with some major packing. The days are passing quickly and before I know it the end of the month will be here. Wish me luck. I guess thats all for now. Stay tuned for a couple more blog tags that I have found in browsing the blogs.

Take care and have a great day!

Sunday, June 12, 2005

In the Meantime

I really planned to go to a birthday party yesterday even though it meant a 3 hour drive from where I am (hey I love to is a time of quiet peace and reflection for me that I can rarely find anywhere else). As I was preparing to leave, I realized that I did not remember the address of the party, and did not have a number to call the birthday boy. I tried to get in touch with someone I knew was at the party but after about an hour I realized that it was too late for me to even consider driving down there. I ended up falling asleep watching tv with my kitty, disappointed in myself for not being prepared. When the family returned from the birthday dinner that I had declined going to I began to have this panicky feeling I get around crowds when I'm in certain moods (maybe I have an anxiety disorder with my depression?) and decided to hide out in the back of the house. To pass the time I grabbed the only book available (one that I bought meaning to read a long time ago). I started reading and got hooked. The book is "In the Meantime-Finding Yourself and the Love You Want" by Iyanla Vanzant. It is pretty good so far, I will keep you updated. Its not necessarily that I am looking to find Love, but I am desperately searching for myself at this point in time. My plans continue to be up in the air, and my dad just told me "you are more than welcome to stay with us but I really don't think you will be happy up here". They live out in the country in Northern California, and being a liberal minded "city girl" I tend to agree that the conservative area that they are living in will bring me down. Additionally, since I've been here on Friday night I have gotten more and more of that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach, and I don't know why. I love my parents with all my heart and part of me does just want to run away and hide up here, but I don't know if that would be the best idea for me. I guess we'll see. I just keep waiting for some divine sign that will make my decision for me. I think I may be out of luck on this one though!

Saturday, June 11, 2005


I don't know if I did something wrong or if Robyn cursed me after my advice to her about her sidebar didn't work but I can't get my blog to look right. Normally this wouldn't bother me because I use Netscape or Firefox and this seems to be a strange IE problem, however, I am up in Oroville at my parents house so I am using the dreaded Microsoft product of doom. Being a perfectionist (no really I am) this really irritates me and I think I am going to have to turn off the computer before I throw something at it. CRAP! I thought I fixed this. Just another thing to fix. I have to go take my medicine.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

I'm not sure about this Tag thing

I have finally finished this insanely long list of things about myself. I figured since I have people actually commenting and reading my blog I should share a little bit about myself. I'm not sure I like the whole 'Tag' thing that is going around the blogs but who am I to stop the spirit of the universal tag I challenge anyone who reads this and hasn't yet done it to waste hours of their time on answering these questions like I did!

10 years ago, I....
1. Was gearing up for my senior year of high school
2. Planning to “go away” to college
3. Addicted to the BBS scene
4. Planning to be part of Student Government (I was a geek and didn’t know what I was thinking when I found myself as the only one running for Student Body Treasurer)
5. Had my first boyfriend who I just wasn’t into

5 years ago, I....
1. Developing my friendship with my best friend Christina
2. Living on my own for the first time ever
3. Still in my hometown ignoring college and trying to be a rebellious teen a couple years too late!
4. Began going to Karaoke 5 nights a week @ a dive bar in another town
5. Getting over my married ex boyfriend with a new obsession.

Today I ....
1. Woke up early for once
2. Found out that I have real friends (one that I have never even met)
3. Discussed impending move “ad nauseum”
4. Tempted myself with an “old obsession”
5. Learned that maybe it is time to grow up

Tomorrow, I will....
1. Pay some bills
2. Go to work….again
3. Help my parents pack and move my stuff
4. Make a long drive
5. Try to figure out my new “identity”

5 Snacks I Enjoy:
1. Salt & Vinegar Chips
2. Taco Bell Nachos w/Jalapenos
3. Popcorn
4. Raw vegetables & ranch dip
5. Chocolate Ice Cream

5 Songs I know all the words to, even with out the Music:
1. Criminal
2. I’m the Only One
3. I Feel Lucky
4. Wanted Dead or Alive
5. The Devil Went Down to Georgia

5 Things I would do with $100,000,000:
1. Finish School
2. Buy my parents a houseboat
3. Invest
4. Buy a Condo in Seattle
5. Take a long vacation around the world with some friends

Top 5 Locations I'd run away to:
1. Seattle, Washington
2. Marseille, France
3. Athens, Greece
4. Toronto, Canada
5. London, England

5 Bad habits I have:
1. Falling in love with the wrong men
2. Not excercising
3. Putting other’s before myself
4. Procrasti……
5. …nation

5 Things I like Doing:
1. Reading
2. Helping People
3. Sleeping
4. Watching Movies
5. Eating

5 Things I would Never Wear:
1. A backless shirt (whoever said those were attractive should be shot!)
2. Pleather pants (never again that is)
3. Birkenstocks w/socks
4. Stiletto Heels (only because I would kill myself)
5. Sagging pants

TV Shows I like:
1. CSI
2. Family Guy
3. Grey’s Anatomy
4. Amazing Race
5. House

5 Movies I like:
1. Chocolat
2 Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
3. Finding Neverland
4. Dirty Dancing
5. Someone Like You

5 Famous people I'd like to Meet:
1. Hillary Clinton (She’s intelligent & strong)
2. Hugh Jackman (Yummy)
3. Rob Thomas (as long as he’s not singing his new stuff)
4. Johnny Depp (he’s just cool)
5. Will Smith (mmmm…more yummy)

5 Biggest Joys at the Moment:
1. Discovering new friends
2. Planning my life
3. Playing with my kitty
4. Focusing on myself
5. Tempting people

The ultimate in peace. The water up in Lake Oroville is very high this year and we found this mini waterfall when we couldn't make it all the way back to feather falls over Memorial weekend! Posted by Hello

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Jones Soda

One last post today. I took The Walrus' suggestion and submitted the photo that I posted earlier this week to the Jones Soda company. If you have a chance visit the site and take the time to vote on the label. Maybe it will win and my picture will be on a bottle of Jones Soda in your local supermarket :-)

This is the same fish previously pictured. Chris wanted me to get a picture of his good side! He's so sweet & funny, I hope he finds some peace with the issues he's facing. Posted by Hello

This picture isn't very clear but this is my nephew, the master fisherman. He caught this beauty on pieces of rolled up bread! He might of caught more but I think that his mohawk scared some of the fish away :-) Posted by Hello

This is my brother and my nephew Bob (Rob) & Chris. They were really there for me over memorial weekend and I miss them a lot. They live in L.A. and I only get to see my Chris once or twice a year. Maybe I will get to visit them soon. Posted by Hello

My blogroll keeps growing

Wow, its amazing that everyday I find new sites that I want to follow on a regular basis. As you can tell from my sidebar these sites don't really have a common link, but each have individual attributes that keep me reading. One of my favorite things to do currently is to go to the sites that I keep up on and see who is commenting there. If they say something interesting I will click on them and check them out. I like it much better than the "next blog" button because I have a little preview of what I am going to see. Don't get me wrong, sometimes the unpredictability of the "next blog" button is fun but other times you want something a little "safer".

Tonight I was lucky enough to come across a bright spot on the blogs and ended up spending an hour or two chatting with a new friend. I want to thank her for helping me to get out some of the anger and frustration I haven't been able to express. With the way things have been going the last few days, and not having anyone available to talk to (my best friend is currently in New Zealand and there is only so much my mom and dad can listen to my crying) I felt like I was going to explode today. As fate would have it there was someone to listen to me though (a total stranger! who woulda thunk it!), and I want to make sure she knows how much I appreciate it!

Ok enough of my blubbering for now. I am more focused and am ready to go to bed almost. I am going to post a few pictures first though.

Missy bright eyes....this is a really good picture of my ree Posted by Hello

Saturday, June 04, 2005

I miss my kitty

I am a little sad today and was looking around the internet for some funny stuff to cheer myself up. I found this site of comic strips called The Mows that made me miss my ree ree. The one above shows how she feels about water and the one below shows her stance on food :-)

And I swear I've seen her do this in the past when she was cut back to being fed every other night.

Ok, I've gotten sappy enough for one post....I'll be back with my kitty soon enough :-)

Fix my car

Ok so my car was broken into months ago. Nothing of great importance was stolen (a metropcs cheapo phone and my spare change....about 30 cents), but my car was vandalized. I have been waiting for the dealer to get back to me (and the insurance company) on installing the new part (and returning my gas tank door which they took to match the color of the new part). The Walrus was talking to our salesman friend and it turns out that the reason they weren't calling back was because they had LOST not only my paperwork, but also the parts to my car! DAMNIT! Well, maybe I can get it done for free now. Anyway, the comic above is actually about the dealer that I was going through in Lodi, CA. Damn fake horses :-)

Friday, June 03, 2005

Have you ever had one of these days? I was driving to work this morning and thought that I was driving down the wrong side of the road. As it turns out the semi in front of me was being towed but I can't say that I wasn't a little taken aback at first. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

10 Things I Regret

While it is not so secret that I have regrets in my life (who doesn't) I have been inspired by Evil Petting Zoo to post them in a "Top 10 format" but not really in any particular order.

1. Not going to college directly after high school
2. Allowing myself to get to comfortable (take for granted) relationships with anybody
3. Not standing up for myself
4. Not seeking medical help earlier and getting the Depo-Provera shot EVER
5. Allowing anybody to take care of me (and eventually break my heart)
6. Not allowing myself to truly enjoy life
7. Not taking more chances in life
8. Letting other people read my blog (sometimes...I just feel that at times it inhibits my expression knowing that others are reading)
9. Not telling people how I truly feel about them and why
10. Allowing myself to gain so much weight...

As u can see I have some control issues....the real question is now that I recognize these regrets what am I going to DO about them.

Thank God for Prozac

I feel it starting to kick in, and I would just like to thank whatever heavenly deity decided to send my but to the doctor two weeks ago for some medicine. As it turns out my boyfriend The Walrus decided that in the interest of sanity he did not want to renew our lease. While we have had our problems, I really was not prepared for this. I always thought you worked out problems but as it turns out the lack of communication that I was feeling was coming from him and I had no clue what was truely going on in his head. Guess that accounts for the feeling that he was indifferent to me and using me. Before I go any further I would like to clarify that these were the feelings that came to my mind as he was breaking up with me after my A&P final (sidenote: I got a B in A&P! Woo). Not to mention before a 6 day camping trip that we had been planning. What a way to go into a vacation. Now after my 6 day break and an extra week on the prozac I have come to terms with the whole situation. As I dropped off the face of the earth for a week (sort of) I am still fielding the friends and family "how you doing" questions which I would like to say that I really appreciate. I will clarify for anybody reading this I am doing better. I am still very sad and feel a bit let down because while he says that he is going through life changes it seems to me that the only thing he is changing is me. Nothing else in his life seems to be being modified and I still have the nagging suspicions that are only paranoia until I'm proven right ;-) In the end I have come to terms with the fact that I really do have some things to work out on my own and that this is the best thing for both of us. I am still a bit ambivilent (or is it hesitant) about the whole friendship thing he wants. In the end I have to stop worrying and sacrificing for others and take care of myself and that is what I intend to do. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.