My Music

Sunday, July 31, 2005

#15 - Dixie Chicks "Cold day in July"

I REALLY wish I could figure out how to post the song...oh well, here's the lyrics

The moon is full and my arms are empty
All night long I've pleaded and cried
You always said the day that you would leave me
Would be a cold day in July

Your bags are packed not a word is spoken
I guess we said everything with good-bye
Time moves so slow and promises get broken
On this cold day in July

Sun's comin' up comin' up down on Main Street
Children shout as they're running out to play
Head in my hands her I am
Standing in my bare feet
Watching you drive away
Watchinf you drive away

You said that we were gonna last forever
You said our love would never die
It looks like spring and
It feels like sunny weather
But it's a cold day in July

On sun's comin' up comin' up
Down on Main Street
Children shout as they're running out to play
Whoa head in my hands
Here I am standing in my bare feet
Watching you drive away
Watching you drive away

The moon is full and my arms are empty
All night long how I've pleaded and cried
You always said the day that
you would leave me,
Would be a cold day in July

Here comes that cold day in July
Oh yeah
la da da la da da la da da
Oh Ooo

Honarable mention....

This song would have actually made the list had I remembered it :-) I will post the lyrics as an honorable mention :-) This is one song that I have always related to. While it does fit the guys I have dated it also accurately describes me.

Harmless Heart - Trisha Yearwood
You said you were afraid to trust
So sorry for yourself it must be hard
Living inside your head
And I'm no angel in disguise
I've had my share of alibis
But I was true to you
I meant every word I said
What's the use
You believe whatever you want to

You can run, you can hide
Love will still come to find you
You can turn it away
Keep romancing your pain
Your the best at self-defense
I'd say you've mastered the art
But baby, mine was a harmless heart

In your eyes I'm like the rest
You set me up to fail the test
And prove that you were right
Everyone lets you down
The ghost of all that might have been
Is tapping on your shoulder
But you just keep right on movin'
You never turn around
If you ever do
I hope you see that I really loved you

You can run, you can hide
Love will still come to find you
You can turn it away
Keep romancing your pain
Your the best at self-defense
I'd say you've mastered the art
But baby, mine was a harmless heart

Your the best at self-defense
I'd say you've mastered the art
But baby, mine was a harmless heart
Baby, mine was a harmless heart

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Compassion and Fatigue :-)

Compassion is bringing our deepest truth into our actions, no matter how much the world seems to resist, because that is ultimately what we have to give to this world and one another.
–Ram Dass

And in honor of my grandma I am posting an article that I received regarding fatigue in cancer patients:

Chronic Illness
Cancer fatigue can be debilitating and affect all aspects of a person's life. Read more…

Friday, July 29, 2005

Without further ado....MY top 15 breakup songs

Well I finally narrowed down my list and found all the necessary lyrics. I will list the top 15 below and as time goes by will post the lyrics seperately. This will keep the blog from getting overloaded with new posts all in one night. I was really hoping to find a way to post the song so you could hear it along with reading the lyrics but I haven't found a way to do so. If anyone has any advice before I start posting lyrics please feel free to comment. Now, onto the list. It was very difficult to narrow it down. Music has been very important to me in coping with breakups, especially this time. Its as if the songs put words to the feelings that I am not able to express. Some of the songs you just cry along with and some of them you scream along with. Both ways, it helps me to feel better (at least for a minute or two). I would like to clarify that number 13 is on the list despite the fact that the actual sound of the song irritates the crap out of me. I LOVE the lyrics though, so I have put it on my list. Hope you guys enjoy it! I apologize in advance, I have not put "I will survive" on the list. :-)

15.) Cold Day in July – Dixie Chicks

14.) Someday - Nickleback

13.) Lonely No More – Rob Thomas

12.) When I’m gone – 3 Doors Down

11.) Fallen - Sarah McLachlan

10.) Whatever you say – Martina McBride

9.) Torn – Natalie Imbruglia

8.) "When I Look To The Sky" - Train

7.) My Favorite Mistake – Sheryl Crowe

6.) How am I doin? – Dierks Bentley

5.) Since you been gone – Kelly Clarkson

4.) Have you ever – Brandy

3.) I can’t make you love me – Bonnie Rait

2.) Moving on – Rascall Flats

1.) What am I to you? – Norah Jones

Letting it all hang out.....I'm not waiting until after midnight

Ok, there are some things I need to get off my chest. You will have to pardon me for reverting back to what appears to be a “bitter tirade” but I am not being given access to open lines of communication to someone who is supposed to be my friend. Instead, I get the occasional “nod” of friendship when it suits them and that’s not cool with me.

I’m tired. It is well known how I feel about friendship after a relationship, however, in spite of that I have tried to remain friends with you. What has this gotten me? I’ll tell you what it’s gotten me, heartache and worry. It is not that I didn’t expect it, I did. It is just that I didn’t expect so much of it and all at once. All of my horoscopes have been telling me to let it go, focus on getting myself together and let go of the past; I can’t help you any more (if I ever even could). I fully intend to do this, however, I need to get my thoughts out before I do. I am well aware that I am not the only one that is being treated the way I am. I’m not blind. I can see exactly what is happening because it has happened the same way every other time. It is hard to remain friends with someone who won’t let you be their friend. Please keep this in mind before you alienate everyone that cares about you. I can only hang in there so long before I give up and turn my back. Maybe that is what you want, maybe you don’t care, or maybe it is the only way you can deal with it. I don’t know but what I do know is that I am done with being treated rudely, ditched, or ignored by the person I care so much about. I am well aware that there are things going on that I have no idea about, but that’s not because I haven’t tried to be there for you as a friend. Despite everything that has happened I have cared about you and would have done anything for you. It makes me sad to think that after so much promise of change that you would just ditch the friends that you have made promise to help you and treat them with such disrespect. I am also well aware of the fact that you don’t want to hear this. This is why you have avoided me, been so short with me, lied to me, ignored me and in general make me feel like I’m a nuisance. Why you have distanced yourself from anyone that will push you towards keeping your word, and why we haven’t had one actual conversation since we broke up despite your insistence that you value our friendship. At first, I understand I was a bit guarded. I apologize for that, however, I need you to understand the reason I was so guarded is because I was afraid of exactly what has happened. Afraid of feeling like a fool for trying to be a friend to someone who never wanted to be my friend in the first place. I wanted to actually discuss this with you but since you will not talk to me for any length of time I have resorted to posting it where I hope you will see it despite the fact that it airs my dirty laundry to anyone who happens to stop by my blog. I know it is useless to discuss/argue with you because you will not hear me at this point in time anyway. Maybe if you ever feel like being a real friend we will be able to, but at this point in time my outlook on that actually happening is very grim. I leave you with the lyrics to a song that describes exactly how I feel better than I ever could.



It's amazing
How you make your face just like a wall
How you take your heart and turn it off
How I turn my head and lose it all

It's unnerving
How just one move puts me by myself
There you go just trusting someone else
Now I know I put us both through hell

I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me

But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

It's aggravating
How you threw me on and you tore me out
How your good intentions turn to doubt
The way you needed time to sort it out

I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me

But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me

But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

Tell me is that how it's going to end
When you know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
And the one you're leaving out

The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Ain't that the truth!

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Mars is now in your 4th House of Home and Family, energizing your personal life. You may be more reactive than usual -- and could fly off the handle without much provocation. Watch your step if you feel that you are getting sucked into a useless ego conflict where there will be no winner. Focus your energy on building security, both financial and emotional, within the privacy of your own home.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Inner Poise

Here's another quiz for y'all: How much inner poise do you have?

My results:

41 - 80

You're a goddess in progress. Like Bridget, you've learned to love yourself even in your ups and downs. So you got drunk last night. Everyone has tough moments--but you're on your way to kicking those bad habits. Never forget you're part of a community that loves you. Read some self-help books and take a vacation.

My personality profile....a self discovery

Ok, so as you all know I have picked up several "self help" books to understand myself better. I finally finished the personality self portrait of myself (its like 104 questions that you have to plot on a scorecard and do some insane calculations). At first I thought I would make an excel spreadsheet with the scorecard and post the questions so that I could look up the personality profile of anyone who was interested but that is proving to be more difficult then I thought. Guess I didn't retain as much of that Excel knowledge I was taught in class eh? Anyway, if anyone is interested I will post the questions for you. The book actually suggests that after you do your own you should have someone else answer the questions for you to see if how you perceive yourself is different from how others perceive you. Maybe I will do some of the friends I know the best on my own to see what I come up with. Then again, it took me forever to do mine so maybe I won't. I will post some descriptive stuff about each of the areas of my personality.

The idea is that there are thirteen distinct personality sectors that are influential in our lives in some way or another. The personality profile rates how heavily influenced you are by the various personality styles. In reading my results I would have to say that their descriptions do accurately describe me and the emotions and feelings I experience in my day to day life. I'll let you decide if you agree.

My Personality

  • Mercurial (highest influence):
  1. Romantic attachment
  2. Intensity
  3. Heart
  4. Unconstraint
  5. Activity
  6. Open mind
  • Devoted (highly influenced):
  1. Commitment
  2. Togetherness
  3. Teamwork
  4. Deferrence
  5. Harmony
  6. Consideration
  7. Self-Correction
  • Leisurely (highly influenced):
  1. Inalienable rights
  2. Enough is enough
  3. The right to resist
  4. Manana
  5. I'm okay
  • Idiosyncratic (moderately influenced):
  1. Inner life
  2. Own World
  3. Own thing
  4. Expanded reality
  5. Metaphysics
  6. Outward View
  • Sensitive (moderately influenced):
  1. Familiarity
  2. Family
  3. Concern
  4. Circumspection
  5. Polite Reserve
  • Conscientious (moderately influenced):
  1. Hard work
  2. The right thing
  3. The right way
  4. Perfectionism
  5. Love of detail
  6. Order
  7. Pragmatism
  8. Prudence
  9. Accumulation
  • Vigilant (moderately influenced):
  1. Autonomy
  2. Caution
  3. Perceptiveness
  4. Self-Defense
  5. Alertness to criticism
  6. Fidelity
  • Dramatic (moderately influenced):
  1. Feelings
  2. Color
  3. Spontaneity
  4. Attention
  5. Applause
  6. Appearance
  7. Sexual Attraction
  • Adventurous (moderately influenced):
  1. Noconformity
  2. Challenge
  3. Mutual Independence
  4. Persuasiveness
  5. Sexuality
  6. Wanderlust
  7. Free lance
  8. Open purse
  9. Wild oats
  10. True grit
  11. No regrets
  • Agressive (slightly influenced):
  1. Command
  2. Hierarchy
  3. Tight Ship
  4. Expedience
  5. Guts
  6. The rough-and-tumble
  • Self Sacrificing (slightly influenced):
  1. Generosity
  2. Service
  3. Consideration
  4. Acceptance
  5. Humility
  6. Endurance
  7. Artlessness
  • Self-Confident (slightly influenced):
  1. Self Regard
  2. The Red Carpet
  3. Self-propulsion
  4. Politics
  5. Competition
  6. Dreams
  7. Self Awareness
  8. Poise
  9. Sensitivity to criticism
  • Solitary (slightly influenced):
  1. Solitude
  2. Independence
  3. Sangfroid
  4. Sexual composure
  5. Feet on the ground

In the intrest of time I will go into each of these characteristics in future posts. Hope all is doing well. By the way, for copyright purposes all content was obtained from "The Personality Self-Portrait Why you think, work, love, and act the way you do" by John M. Oldham M.D. & Lois B. Morris

Monday, July 25, 2005

Forgive and Forget?

The first step towards change is acceptance. Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do. Change is not something you do. It's something you allow.
–Will Garcia

Weekly quiz: How forgiving are you?

BTW here is my result:

21 - 40
Balanced forgiver. You're a basically kind person with a sense of balance and boundaries. However, you're no Mother Theresa.

Now I know my ABC's

Found this via Kimmyk's blog. Thanks for the great idea! Anyone who wants to "borrow" it feel free.

A is for Age - 27
B is for Booze - As often as possible :-)
C is for Career - Medical field...currently insurance hopefully will be nursing
D is for Dad's name - Verlon Michael Davis (at least thats the dad I've been told about ;-) )
E is for Essential Item to Bring to a Party - As we have already mentioned Booze I will go with music
F is for Favorite Song(s) of the Moment - "What am I to you" - Norah Jones
G is for Goof Off Thing To Do - I used to do drive bys (not the kind with a gun....more like the stalker variety....equally scary I'm sure :-))
H is for Hometown - Stockton California (even though I was born in the bay area)
I is for Instrument You Play - Remote control (I can make the music channels on direct tv play beautifully!)
J is for Jam or Jelly You Like -Blackberry Jelly
K is for Kids - None yet, I want 6 but I might be running out of time for that
L is for Living Arrangement - A room in my parents house....not as sad as it sounds :-)
M is for Mom's Name - Martha Joan Davis (she hates that name)
N is for Names of Best Friends - Christina Nelson, Dorito Davis (I have many more really good friends but these are the two that know me best :-))
O is for Overnight Hospital Stays -None, if the question was how many trips I've made to the hospital thats a whole different story
P is for Phobias -Rats, snakes, rejection, and most recently figured out that I am also freaked out by ticks
Q is for Quote You Like - Currently "When a defining moment comes along, you can do one of two things. Define the moment, or let the moment define you."
R is for Relationship That Lasted the Longest -Most recent one....the one I thought I was forever
S is for Siblings -Robert Ray Davis
T is for Texas, ever been? -Nope but I'd love to see a Cowboys football game...other than that whats there for me??
U is for Unique Trait - One side of my face is still a little droopy from a round of Bell's Palsy
V is for Vegetable You Love - I like a lot of really depends upon how they are prepared. I will say the one that I don't get to have very often is Asparagus
W is for Worst Trait - Procrastination (though some would say its my self deprecating humour)
X is for X-rays you've had -Both feet and arms
Y is for Yummy Food You Make - Peanut Butter Fudge
Z is for Zodiac Sign - you couldn't already tell :-)

Sunday, July 24, 2005

I've been storing up my wisdom this weekend....

Quote of the Day 7/23

I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.

-Robert Brault

Daily Hindu Wisdom

He who has no desires has no sorrow, but where there is desire
There will be ever-increasing sorrows.

When desire, sorrow's sorrow, dies away,
Undying bliss prevails even here on earth.

It is the nature of desire never to be fulfilled, but he who utterly
Gives it up realizes eternal fulfillment at that very moment.

-Tirukkural 37: 368-370

Quote of the Day 7/24

Good people are good because they’ve come to wisdom through failure. We get very little wisdom from success, you know.

-William Saroyan

Daily Hindu Wisdom

As butter lies hidden within milk,
The Self is hidden in the hearts of all.
Churn the mind through meditation on it;
Light your fire through meditation on it:
The Self, all whole, all peace, all certitude.

-Amritabindu Upanishad
Excerpted from The Upanishads, translated by Eknath Easwaran, copyright 1987. Reprinted with permission from Nilgiri Press, To order the book, please call 1-800-475-2369.

My horoscope is pretty accurate today

Well today is turning into a pretty blah day. Yesterday I finally started working on putting my room together. The shelves in my closet had collapsed and my clothes were in a giant heap on the ground. That took forever to fix. I wanted to go out on the lake today but my mom isn't feeling good so that has been postponed until next weekend. The cousins left yesterday. It was good to see them again, but it is hard to spend that much time with people so different from you. It was especially hard because cousin Charles reminds me so much of my grandpa. Its weird, we never really saw eye to eye when he was alive but I loved him so much. I was there when he died and felt him pass through me as his spirit left his body (for those of you who do not believe in angels and spirits I understand that you probably think I'm crazy...and maybe I am but that is the only way I know how to describe what I felt). I know my grandfather had certain beliefs and habits that would have put him at odds with me if he was still alive but I still feel really connected to him. Maybe its because I regret not being more accepting of his ways when he was here. I've been dreaming about him a lot lately so spending the last couple weeks with one of his few remaining relatives made it difficult to say goodbye yesterday. Well now that I am bawling I think I am going to cut this post short. Since I'm so bored today I will probably end up posting some more. Hope everyone enjoyed the recent picture posting binge I went is a lot more difficult to maintain this blog on a dial up connection....I can't wait until I can find a high speed internet alternative up here (yeah I'm not holding my one in this household besides me knows CPR)

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): You are withholding your strongest feelings as something tells you this isn't the time to unleash an emotional flow. It's not that things are bad; it's just that you are receiving recurring flashes, reminders of what you don't want, rather than what you do. Don't try to make changes now. Just be aware of your desires as you wait for the right moment to act.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Dorito's Big Shave

Hey all, I just realized that I forgot to upload the before and after pictures of Ree Ree from when we had her shaved (not really shaved but cut really short). Also, in cleaning I got to thinking about the puppy that the Walrus and I saved from the pound. We lost sweet layla girl at the beginning of this year (and the year has certainly lived up to the way it started let me tell you!). I thought I would include a before and after picture of her when we bathed her. Stinky breath and all we loved her!

Lounging Around

Lounging Around "Closeup"

Watcha lookin at?

"Something's different...."

"I just can't quite put my paw on what it is...."

"Hey! Where'd all my fur go?????"

"Hmmm...I hope these people clean me up and feed me soon"

"Ahhhhhh this is the life"

And the view from the backporch...wish we didn't have the freeway running through it but then again how would we get here? Posted by Picasa

And this is the backporch. Dad built the deck too.... Posted by Picasa

Friday, July 22, 2005

Home sweet home....didn't my dad do a fabulous job on the front porch? Posted by Picasa

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Whew...just made it in time to officially post on his birthday. My dad turned 59 today and I really don't know where the time has gone to. It feels like just yesterday that I was hiding in the back of his truck so that he would take me with him to the dump but I'm almost 30 now and much too big to do that. Someone asked me today what I got my dad for his birthday and I said "me" because I got the day off (see previous post). As it turns out he was busy today and I ended up napping so I really didn't get him much of a present. Just wanted to say "I love you daddy", hope you had a good day.

Daily Messages

Just a quick update since I noticed it had been a few days since I posted. Its been an interesting week. Just to reiterate, I LOVE MY JOB! We got a half day yesterday so we got to leave at 12 and are still paid for a full 8 hours (presumably because our training class is so far ahead in our lessons). I took this "opportunity" to tie up some loose ends down in Stockton/Lodi which means I ended up driving all day yesterday. Not only was I out of medicine I had finally heard back from the people at the body shop thats supposed to be fixing my car and they were ready to "inspect" my car. Nevermind that I had paid 91 dollars to have it "inspected" before but since the guy was so incompetent (in the words of the body shop "I can't believe they can't even replace a door handle!) I understood that they are trying to get it fixed properly but it really was a major inconvenience. I also tried to get my financial aid straightened out (cause I am going to take online classes at the college rather than trying to move that up here too for the time being) but that was completely useless. As usual the line was out the door and no one knew their head from their butt so I couldn't even get the 1 form that I needed. After dealing with the body shop I met up with the ex and got my one small box and cleaning stuff that I had left at the apartment. That was kinda painful but it could have been worse I guess. Then I went down to the friend I had stayed with for the time between the move to return some stuff and pick up my glasses. I really wanted to see my best friend while I was there but her schedule was packed and I really needed to drive home (2 hour drive) before I got tired and the dark set in. Well I at least didn't get tired :-) All in all I got some stuff done and spent a LOT of money for gas (I actually found a great deal at $2.36 per gallon but in my travels I did almost have a heart attack when I saw a station selling gas for $2.75 per gallon for unleaded. RIDICULOUS! Last night was the first time I fell asleep at a decent hour!

So I was still feeling a bit tired this morning when I woke up but I managed to make it to work on time. As I drove down the street to get there I noticed the streetlights were out. When I tried to get in the door my card wouldn't work. Turns out that the power had went out several times this morning and we ended up getting sent home after sitting in the dark for 45 minutes! BONUS! So I got to run some errands and rest a bit today (I took a couple hour nap! Woo hoo!)

Well its time for dad's birthday dinner. I gotta get to the table before my mom yells again! I leave you with some inspirational quotes/messages I have received in various e-mails for the day! Take care

True healing has more to do with listening and unconditional love than fixing people.
—Gerald Jampolsky & Diane V. Cirincione

Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.
-Thich Nhat Hanh

First a person should put his house together, then his town, then the world.

- Rabbi Israel Salanter

The best way to escape from a problem is to solve it.

- Brendan Francis

Small Town
Everywhere's a small town, she said, if you do something that bothers enough people.

-Courtesy of ""

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Working 9 to 5 what a way to make a living

It has occurred to me on the second tuesday of my new job (which at this point is a lot like school because of our training class) that I am REALLY not liking the 5 days a week 8 hours a day work thing. It is exhausting and I can't seem to find the time or motivation to do anything else. I REALLY hope that I can get into some kind of routine because I don't know how long I can keep this up. I don't think that it would be as bad if I wasn't sitting at a desk all day, or maybe if I was on a nursing schedule of 4 10 hour shifts or 3 12 hour shifts so I actually had some time in my life for myself. I don't know why but today I felt very worried. All day I had this feeling of dread that I couldn't shake. I hope that doesn't last either, though I am gearing up for a rough week. I forgot to stop and refill my prescription before I came home this weekend and I am out of pills so I am going to be a complete witch for the next couple days. Maybe I will refrain from posting for that period of time so you guys don't have to experience it. My poor parents have no place to hide though :-) I have a half day on Thursday and even though I don't have the money for gas I think I am going to have to go down to Sac to get my refills while I still have that insurance. Unfortunately I couldn't get an eye appointment so I can't take advantage of getting a new pair of glasses in time....drat! I did end up getting a new library card today and took out some books. I got a book written by the author of the book the new movie "Must Love Dogs" is based upon. Its pretty good so far. My grandma came over for dinner and we laughed about how I have always been a reader. I was potty trained with a book so I always feel compelled to read while going to the bathroom. When I was older I would take a book everywhere we went and could often be found laying behind the couch reading (I have grown more claustrophobic as I get older I have found, probably because I have gotten heavier/bigger as I got older and have more breathing problems now) Anyway, thats all I really have to ramble about for the moment. I will be posting a Top 15 of my own as soon as I finish looking up the lyrics. The top 15 coincides with the surviving the breakup cds I made which I refer to as "Black and Blue, pieces of my heart" because I burned (all songs were legally obtained) them on the color CDs that a friend of mine gave me. I thought that was pretty clever myself but I'm easily impressed these days now that I live in the middle of nowhere ;-) I am still finding the lyrics cause I want to post them on here so it will take me some time to actually find the time to do that! :-) For now, I leave you with a quote that I found today that I really enjoyed:

When a defining moment comes along, you can do one of two things. Define the moment, or let the moment define you.
–Tin Cup

Monday, July 18, 2005

Chinese Horoscope

Thanks to Annie for the link to the following quiz. I noticed on the website where I took the quiz the pictures weren't working and that bugged me so I removed the code if you are wondering why there is no picture describing the results I received. Another side note, the "Year you were actually born under" is incorrect for me. I was born before the cutoff in 1978 so I should be 1977. I will include this as well and you can decide for yourself (if you know me)!

You are most compatible with a Rooster or Ox
You Were Actually Born Under:
Year of the Horse
You've got a ton of energy - and need plenty of room to roam.
You tend to follow your whims, and it's hard for you to stick to one thing.
Specific jobs, loves, and friends are always changing and never a part of your life for long.
Very intuitive, you tend to know what people are thinking before they say a word.

You are most compatible with a Dog or Tiger.
You Were Actually Born Under:
Year of the Snake
Popular and crafty, you are a master at the art of seduction.
You are intelligent and intuitive - and make a savvy businessperson.
You live life to the fullest, even if it means maxing out your credit cards.
Many people are secretly (and hopelessly) in love with you.
You Should Have Been Born Under:
Year of the Dog

You are totally loyal, faithful, and honest.
However, you don't trust others to be as ethical as you are!
Straight forward and direct, you really aren't one for small talk.
You are a great listener - and an agreeable companion when you're in a good mood!

You are most compatible with a Tiger or Horse.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Stress Management

Hey all, just a quick post to say hi. I had a really good weekend. I got to hang out with some girlfriends, talk to some friends that I hadn't talked to in a while. Didn't get a lot of sleep and spent too much money but it will be a while until I get to go back so I think that it was worth it. I would like to congratulate a friend of mine on the birth of his baby son Gavin. I hope to see pictures soon, and wish him the best of luck in coming to terms with the changes that are happening. I would also like to thank Cjristina, Jea9, and Liz for everything. It was really good to see all of them, and Cjristina again showed what a great friend she is. Hope she feels better soon :-) As far as the ex goes, I did see him for a bit. I am very worried about him and hope that eventually he too can come to terms with himself and perhaps open up with me again. For as long as I can remember we had a connection. I understood what was going on with him, and he was open with me (as far as I know) talking to me about what he was going through. Now, looking back, I don't know if that was ever true but was an illusion that I wholeheartedly believe. I miss that illusion. It seems that he has withdrawn from most everyone and I know he has to get through this on his own, but I do miss the connection. I discovered this weekend that as time goes by it becomes a bit easier to come to terms with the fact that the past is what it is. You can't change it, and it happened for a reason. No matter how hard you try you can not recreate the past in any satisfactory way, the only option you have is to learn from your choices and realize it will never be the same. However, you must keep in mind that the past turns into the future in ways that you never could have imagined. I still don't know how that is going to work for me, but I am looking forward to finding out more than ever before. To everyone in my past that has become entangled in my self destructive patterns, I apologize. I can't say that stepping outside my comfort zone is going to be easy but I do know that I can't go on with the way it has been. I have to do something to change my life otherwise I will lose my mind. Anyway, the story below illustrates how I've been feeling as of late. Hope you all enjoy it.

Story of the day courtesy of The StoryPeople

I can imagine it working out perfectly, I said. I can't, she said & I said no wonder you're so stressed.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Legal Disclaimer

this is an audio post - click to play

Friendship Card Set

Hey all, I got the following e-mail from one of my lists and I wanted to share it. I like all of them but I personally relate to #1 the most I think! Feel free to comment :-) Stories are courtesy of StoryPeople.

3 each of 4 stories. They are: 1. Just Friends - I saw them standing there pretending to be just friends, when all the time in the world could not pry them apart. 2. Late Night - In the end, I think that I will like that we were sitting on the bed, talking & wondering where the time had gone. 3. Real Reason - There are things you do because they feel right & they make no sense & they may make no money & it may be the real reason we are here: to love each other & to eat each other's cooking & say it was good. 4. Kindred Spirits - You're the strangest person I ever met, she said & I said you too & we decided we'd know each other a long time.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Baby Steps

Ok, so I have taken a couple of baby steps backward. I spoke with my friend last night and (against my better judgement) we talked about what I was feeling about what I perceive to be going on back in Stockton. While from an outsiders opinion it may look fine I was very much so that I stayed up too late, couldn't sleep well, and got up late for work (I still made it on time but I forgot a TON of stuff, including my name tag which gets me in the door, D'OH) and irritated my parents who had to pick up the slack (getting lunch, finding my keys, etc...) to get me to work on time. Just when I was so proud of myself for actually doing stuff right. If you couldn't guess already what I am upset about has to do with the ex, and I was anticipating this type of thing because the last couple times he initiated talking to me when I responded he was really aloof and kinda like I was bothering him. Excuse me? You are the one who asked me a question or said you wanted to go to breakfast, or whatever. If you don't really want to (or can't handle it) then just tell me or don't text me or whatever the situation might be. As it turns out my suspicions may well be founded as he has been acting differently with more than just me from what I can gather. I will let you in on what I have put a together and why I am upset. 1) He has been talking particular girl and hanging out with same said girl A LOT lately (partly by circumstance partly by choice). 2) Last week my actions appeared to have bothered him a lot. Now he didn't say this to me, I am just going off of past experience and reactions that I observed. 3) Before I left he made sure to mention to me several times the proximity of aforementioned girl's residence to where I was staying as if to warn me why I would see him in the area, and he also asked aforementioned girl (who is considered quite hot in public opinion) to go to a theater function with him which is what he ditched out of lunch and caused me extra time in driving my friend home on Saturday after finishing lunch. I am sure that this was a self esteem thing (everyone wants people to think that they are doing well after a break up and if I had to guess about it he was probably hoping there would be a lot of "oh is this your new girlfriend" questions to be deflected). Now it is not that I didn't expect him to have this kind of reaction to the breakup, however, there are a couple of things that do irritate me about the situation.

1.) That I even care....I was doing so well

2.) The aforementioned girl is someone that he has always sworn he was not interested in, didn't necessarily think was attractive, and who screwed over his best friend.

3.) That he is trying to justify the fact that he wants to have sex with the fact that we haven't had sex in six months (which is A not true, and B not because I didn't try!!!!) (as a side note I don't know if I'm supposed to know this....but its not like I didn't expect it)

4.) That we ruined our chances of being together by both entering the relationship on the rebound

5.) That anything he does surprises me anymore. I heard how he talked about other people when they weren't around. I knew then (because I overheard him telling people that my feelings didn't matter, "he had plenty of places to go" when he didn't realize his phone had picked up one night) and I know now how he talks about me when I'm not around.

and finally...

6.) That I actually agreed with my friend the other day when we said that someone far down the line when both of us work out our issues I could see us being together as we had previously planned (because God knows I shouldn't have believed that the issues would actually ever get fixed)

Anyway, I am almost done with my lunch hour and feel much better now that I have gotten this out of my head. I was reading my personality profile last night and it said that I really needed to start doing more of just this to get the thoughts out of my head and start taking charge of my life. It also said I needed to air my grievances directly with the person in question but I read three horoscopes for today that advised against that. Instead it said to write it in a diary (Blog?) and if I must bring it up, do so in public (I think a blog counts). Thanks again for anyone who managed to make it through the junk in my head :-)

P.S. The job is going great and is really helping to keep my mind off of things! Woo hoo! Its just the down time that lets these thoughts sneak back in.

Luv Ya!

Monday, July 11, 2005

Past lives

Now most people don't know my take on religion or spirituality mainly because I haven't mentioned it and don't really talk about it actively. I do believe in reincarnation and so when I saw the fun little quiz Cjristie posted I just had to take it. My sidebar is getting too long so I won't be putting it on there (in fact in a couple weeks I plan to overhaul the entire blog and shake up the look a bit) so I thought I would just share it in a post. Feel free to comment!

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Banished Priest.

Where You Lived: Scotland.

How You Died: Hung for treason.

One day down...

I have been trying to get a chance to post all weekend. It was a very trying weekend emotionally. I finished the move completely (with the help of my dad and mom) and had to let go of a lot of things in what has in effect been my hometown all of my life. Now I know that letting go of this stuff was good for me, but that didn't make it any easier. I could go on for hours about the events of last week, and who knows maybe I will at some time down the line, but for the sake of brevity on this post I am going to skip it and just leave it at I had some epiphanies that put things into perspective. I talked it over with Cjristina and still feel that I might owe some apologies to my loved ones, but I can't decide which is the best way to go about it, and the fact that I am really taking the time to analyze and reflect shows promise that things might be changing for good. Anyway, I started reading my horoscopes again the other day (I was frightfully behind) and found some frighteningly accurate ones. I thought I would post them just for posterity. I will do that in another post so you don't have to read them if you don't want to though.

My grandpa's cousins from Alabama (that would be my second cousins once removed???) have come out to visit. They drove their motorhome all the way out here and just arrived yesterday. I haven't seen them in at least 8 years and I just love listening to them talk (they have a great accent and funny sayings). While there are cultural differences in the way we were raised they are wonderful people. Cousin Charles reminds me so much of my grandpa though I am told that he really looks like my grandpa's brother "uncle ernie" and Cookie is just the sweetest lady (no cookie is not her real name). I am really glad they took the time to come out and visit. As it turns out I guess they have been discussing my "situation" with my parents (my mom will tell anyone who will listen from what I can gather) and I was told this evening at dinner that he had been planning to bring out a shotgun and an ax and give my ex the choice of which one he wanted him to use when he went to talk to him. He said that he pressured my aunt's husband enough that he finally married my aunt. I just looked at him and said, I appreciate the offer but I don't really think I want to get married so that won't be necessary. I did tell him that I would add him to the list of people that had volunteered to be part of my "possee" if I ever changed my mind. Then I overheard Cookie asking my mom why I wasn't more upset or crying. I have come to realize that my emotions are stabilizing and I am actually dealing with things. That makes me prouder than anything that I have done in the last 3 years.

On another note, I started my new job today. I had to be there at 8 am and my parents live about a half an hour from where I work so I really was not looking forward to getting up at 6 am. It really ended up not being so bad. Luckily my mom has my dad in the habit of getting her coffee every morning and I benefited from that so I woke up a little faster than usual. The drive is very rural and at 7:30 in the morning it seemed like I was seeing the land with new eyes. I was very nervous and had Nora Jones playing to calm me down. I found a really cool song that I didn't even know about on the drive and listened to it over and over again. Anyway, I got there exactly on time and was so proud of myself but when I walked in there was no one there. Turns out my entire class are overachievers and got there at 7:30. D'oh I can't win! The trainer was really nice and made me believe that I wasn't late and that it wasn't a problem that I was exactly on time so I felt more comfortable. Then came the 6 hour barage of information. By four o'clock I thought my head was going to explode (which is good because I am so used to be bored at work :-)) and was very excited to hear that because we were so far ahead they were letting us leave early. I really have a very positive feeling about this job. I can see it going places, but than again it is only my first day. I remember how excited I was about BloodSource but in comparison the atmosphere (at least in the training class) is nothing like that. I know the true test is when you get out in the general population but everyone is so organized and connected (in regards to communication) at this place that I can't help but believe that this isn't another dead end road which is a good feeling for me right now considering the situation.

So after work I had to go pick up the princess from the groomer. We had an appointment for her to get shaved and I was worried. I have never seen my baby without her coat and I didn't know anything about this groomer that we took her to except that they did a decent job on her last time (but it has only been 3 weeks and this is her second haircut but thats our fault we should have just had her shaved to start with). As it turns out they didn't shave her down to her skin, they used an attachment. Before I went there though I stopped at the bank in Oroville. Now let me specify while I technically live in Oroville I am way out on the outskirts and am actually much closer to Chico which I much prefer. The people in Oroville must have been inbreeding for about 20 years because EVERYONE there has the IQ of an amoeba. I swear, my cat is smarter than most of the people there (and has more teeth....) Its BAD and every time you go into that town you have a problem. Why I listened to my mother this time (you know I rarely do) is beyond me but I did and stopped at the bank in Oroville. I was just depositing my final paycheck and a personal check. Now I would expect the personal check to have a hold put on it, but the other check is from my EMPLOYER....the same employer that has been direct depositing stuff into my account for over a year. After waiting for about 5 minutes a girl opens her window and says she'll help me. She deposits the checks THEN as she's putting them in her drawer informs me of the 7 business day hold they are putting on my check. It is getting late and I still have to pick up the cat (had to stop at the store where I couldn't get a cell phone signal except to RECEIVE a call. Whenever I picked up they couldn't hear me so mom got worried and kept calling back) so I was like "whatever" figuring I would have to fight with the telephone reps later. Now I have NEVER had a problem with Washington Mutual and I was determined to stay with them because of how good they have been to me but now I'm having second thoughts if this is the crap I'm going to have to deal with. ANYWAY I headed over to pick up the kitty and went into the office. Had a problem with the door which made me feel retarded. She called the lady on her walkie talkie (I guess they don't have a working phone system?) and she told her how much to charge me and said she'd be bringing her over. It kinda irritated me when she referred to her as "the kitty" rather than "dorito" because they weren't exactly busy, it couldn't be that hard to remember the cat's name....but I let it go. The lady brought her in and I peeked in the cat carrier. MAN she looked small. I am used to A LOT of fluff and she was scrunched up in the back of the carrier and looked very pissed. Well the lady tried to get her out of the box and dorito was having none of it. She started hissing and biting the lady which I thought was odd because she is a pretty even tempered cat normally but I thought "hey she had a traumatic day its to be expected" Then I heard how the lady was yelling at her. I didn't want to get in a fight with this lady, and I have raised my voice at my cat but the key word is she is MY cat and I was standing there and she didn't even let me try to get her out. When I finally got her in my arms she looked at me with a very scared look and I saw that while she was cut short it really wasn't as bad as I had expected. When we got in the car she let me have it for about a minute howling so loud, but after that she was fine. I think she just wanted out of the box and wanted me to know she was NOT happy with what we had done.

I was concerned because she clung to me when I held her and cowered in the back of the box when we put her back in so I suspect some type of abuse. She didn't look tranquilized but I still don't think that I will take her back to this groomer. In fact I plan to do as little as possible in the town of Oroville and will find someone in Chico to take care of her. When I got her home and let her out of the box I did see that they actually did a really good job with her. They didn't butcher her tail, and she is even all over. I also noticed that she has lost A LOT of weight, which is good cause I was afraid of how funny she'd look without her coat and with all that fat. I am attaching some pictures for you guys to see. My baby is beautiful no matter what she "wears" :-)

Hope everyone's week started on the right foot (not literally the RIGHT foot but a positive note :-)) More to come soon....

Sunday, July 10, 2005

The count to date is 1 Lizard and 2 Mice

I have been informed that along with a MASSIVE amount of stickers my beloved kitty has tried to bring in another mousy. She had it by the skin on the back of the mouse and my mom heard it squeaking as Dorito begged to come into the house. Turns out this mousy got free and Dorito was later seen trying to dig it out of a pile of leaves or brush or some other such shrubery. My kitty is a mouser at heart and as such she is completely covered with the nature she has been rolling in. I will be posting pictures of her new "hair do" when I take them on Monday. It will be the first time I see what she actually has under that coat. Good thing she has been training as of late and has managed to loose a couple pounds because I think that she would be self concious. I found the cartoon below to be very fitting. Hope you enjoy it.

Monday, July 04, 2005

You are getting sleepy...

As you can see from the above picture, Dorito is adjusting well to her new environment and is making up on the sleep that I am missing :-). I think I am going to have to get her completely shaved. It is so frickin hot up here (for at least the next couple months) and she is panting up a storm it seems. We shaved her belly last week and it helped a bit to keep her cool but not enough. Also, she has taken to rolling in the weeds and poison oak and gets it stuck in her fur (and then she won't let me take it out). I am tired of petting my baby and hurting my had from all the stickers she has in her.

It’s been a crazy couple of days. I had to leave the apartment on Friday morning knowing that I was never coming back. I had so much trouble doing that. Luckily for me Le Morse did the majority of the clean up and took care of dropping off the keys (which I'm sure he'll post about) because I don't think that I could have handled it. I was already pretty emotional. I also owe Cjristina for all the help she gave; you're the best! Anyway, now I'm up in Chico getting settled and trying to relax. Today I realized that there might be other reasons fate has sent me here. Grandma is not doing very well at all. We had a big scare today when dad had a hard time waking her up (she fell asleep in front of the computer) and we thought we had lost her. This brought me to the realization that while my parents are doing me a big favor helping me get my life together, I might be here to take care of my mother who is absolutely going to lose it when grandma goes. We also found out that my uncle's ex girlfriend in South Dakota is in the hospital after battling breast cancer for over a year and only has a few days to live. I know that death comes in threes and have been trying to ignore the funny feeling in the pit of my stomach and the worry I have over my grandmother. I guess when she was diagnosed about a year ago the doctor estimated only a year left. We feel the clock running out and aren't nearly as prepared as we should be for the inevitable. Anyway, enough of the depressing stuff. Now that I am actually here and settling in I feel like I am in a good place. We went to the Hospice thrift store where I donated three big bags of clothes and found some self help books. With how addicted I am to these self help books you would think I would be much more mentally well myself. Maybe that is why I am so attracted to these books, because my brain is craving "normality" whatever that may be. Who knows? I was very impressed with the hospice thrift store and as they are looking for volunteers I am thinking of helping out. I'll post more about that later if I decide to do it. I am also finding myself more interested in learning things now. I pulled my guitar out of the car and was talking to my dad about it. I found out that he had always wanted to learn how to play the guitar too and I also found out that my guitar is horribly out of tune. That got me to thinking that I would really like to take a guitar class. Driving to town we went by the little "grand canyon" just outside of a town called Paradise. It was so beautiful that I wished I had a camera and then I started thinking about taking a photography class. I will definitely be looking into all of these things and any number of other things that cross my mind. I have realized that life is too short and I have to start putting myself first. It is harder for me than you can imagine :-) I guess that is all I have to say for now, hope everyone is having a happy and safe Fourth of July weekend!