My Music


Friday, July 29, 2005

Letting it all hang out.....I'm not waiting until after midnight

Ok, there are some things I need to get off my chest. You will have to pardon me for reverting back to what appears to be a “bitter tirade” but I am not being given access to open lines of communication to someone who is supposed to be my friend. Instead, I get the occasional “nod” of friendship when it suits them and that’s not cool with me.

I’m tired. It is well known how I feel about friendship after a relationship, however, in spite of that I have tried to remain friends with you. What has this gotten me? I’ll tell you what it’s gotten me, heartache and worry. It is not that I didn’t expect it, I did. It is just that I didn’t expect so much of it and all at once. All of my horoscopes have been telling me to let it go, focus on getting myself together and let go of the past; I can’t help you any more (if I ever even could). I fully intend to do this, however, I need to get my thoughts out before I do. I am well aware that I am not the only one that is being treated the way I am. I’m not blind. I can see exactly what is happening because it has happened the same way every other time. It is hard to remain friends with someone who won’t let you be their friend. Please keep this in mind before you alienate everyone that cares about you. I can only hang in there so long before I give up and turn my back. Maybe that is what you want, maybe you don’t care, or maybe it is the only way you can deal with it. I don’t know but what I do know is that I am done with being treated rudely, ditched, or ignored by the person I care so much about. I am well aware that there are things going on that I have no idea about, but that’s not because I haven’t tried to be there for you as a friend. Despite everything that has happened I have cared about you and would have done anything for you. It makes me sad to think that after so much promise of change that you would just ditch the friends that you have made promise to help you and treat them with such disrespect. I am also well aware of the fact that you don’t want to hear this. This is why you have avoided me, been so short with me, lied to me, ignored me and in general make me feel like I’m a nuisance. Why you have distanced yourself from anyone that will push you towards keeping your word, and why we haven’t had one actual conversation since we broke up despite your insistence that you value our friendship. At first, I understand I was a bit guarded. I apologize for that, however, I need you to understand the reason I was so guarded is because I was afraid of exactly what has happened. Afraid of feeling like a fool for trying to be a friend to someone who never wanted to be my friend in the first place. I wanted to actually discuss this with you but since you will not talk to me for any length of time I have resorted to posting it where I hope you will see it despite the fact that it airs my dirty laundry to anyone who happens to stop by my blog. I know it is useless to discuss/argue with you because you will not hear me at this point in time anyway. Maybe if you ever feel like being a real friend we will be able to, but at this point in time my outlook on that actually happening is very grim. I leave you with the lyrics to a song that describes exactly how I feel better than I ever could.

MATCHBOX 20

"Leave"

It's amazing
How you make your face just like a wall
How you take your heart and turn it off
How I turn my head and lose it all

It's unnerving
How just one move puts me by myself
There you go just trusting someone else
Now I know I put us both through hell

I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me

But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

It's aggravating
How you threw me on and you tore me out
How your good intentions turn to doubt
The way you needed time to sort it out

I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me

But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me

But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

Tell me is that how it's going to end
When you know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
And the one you're leaving out

The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

5 comments:

Avery's mom said...

((((Hugs))))

Shan'Chelle said...

Thanks hon...I really appreciate that!

Cjristina said...

Just remember, worse than drinking and dialing is Matchbox 20 when depressed. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE take your meds before you listen to them. Because much as I love Rob Thomas the man's lyrics could make you try to papercut yourself to death with a napkin if you were already blue.

By the way, I'm sorry you're still hurting. Keep getting it out of your system. It is making a difference.

I love you! Take care!!! Moi

Shan'Chelle said...

We need to write down all these rules. I really did take my meds yesterday...just not in the morning, I keep forgeting. The man (Rob Thomas) somehow knows how to express exactly whats in your soul....it can't be from experience, what has he got to be blue about (he's married to the love of his life and gets to perform his music for a living)! Nah, I'm just kidding. I know that despite how great things seem to be going for you there can be other things going on. Just trying to be amusing and all :-) Thanks for the concern. I'm glad that others can see that its actually making a difference. I thought it was just me :-)

Cjristina said...

Yeah we used to have a lot of rules. Didn't we break them all anyway? Or was that a rule? That we had to learn to break rules and stop being "good girls" because it wasn't getting us anywhere? I forget. Ah well. I hope you enjoy the movie this afternoon. Shaun had to cancel having the party at his house because he's helping a co-worker whose home burned down this week. So we're meeting at J9's at 9:30 for movies. I'll probably be gone until real early the next morning and then breakfast burritos at Mom's at 8:30 on Sunday. So if you want to talk call the cell or reach me late Sunday afternoon. Try to have a good weekend. Take care!