My Music

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Baby Steps

Ok, so I have taken a couple of baby steps backward. I spoke with my friend last night and (against my better judgement) we talked about what I was feeling about what I perceive to be going on back in Stockton. While from an outsiders opinion it may look fine I was very much so that I stayed up too late, couldn't sleep well, and got up late for work (I still made it on time but I forgot a TON of stuff, including my name tag which gets me in the door, D'OH) and irritated my parents who had to pick up the slack (getting lunch, finding my keys, etc...) to get me to work on time. Just when I was so proud of myself for actually doing stuff right. If you couldn't guess already what I am upset about has to do with the ex, and I was anticipating this type of thing because the last couple times he initiated talking to me when I responded he was really aloof and kinda like I was bothering him. Excuse me? You are the one who asked me a question or said you wanted to go to breakfast, or whatever. If you don't really want to (or can't handle it) then just tell me or don't text me or whatever the situation might be. As it turns out my suspicions may well be founded as he has been acting differently with more than just me from what I can gather. I will let you in on what I have put a together and why I am upset. 1) He has been talking particular girl and hanging out with same said girl A LOT lately (partly by circumstance partly by choice). 2) Last week my actions appeared to have bothered him a lot. Now he didn't say this to me, I am just going off of past experience and reactions that I observed. 3) Before I left he made sure to mention to me several times the proximity of aforementioned girl's residence to where I was staying as if to warn me why I would see him in the area, and he also asked aforementioned girl (who is considered quite hot in public opinion) to go to a theater function with him which is what he ditched out of lunch and caused me extra time in driving my friend home on Saturday after finishing lunch. I am sure that this was a self esteem thing (everyone wants people to think that they are doing well after a break up and if I had to guess about it he was probably hoping there would be a lot of "oh is this your new girlfriend" questions to be deflected). Now it is not that I didn't expect him to have this kind of reaction to the breakup, however, there are a couple of things that do irritate me about the situation.

1.) That I even care....I was doing so well

2.) The aforementioned girl is someone that he has always sworn he was not interested in, didn't necessarily think was attractive, and who screwed over his best friend.

3.) That he is trying to justify the fact that he wants to have sex with the fact that we haven't had sex in six months (which is A not true, and B not because I didn't try!!!!) (as a side note I don't know if I'm supposed to know this....but its not like I didn't expect it)

4.) That we ruined our chances of being together by both entering the relationship on the rebound

5.) That anything he does surprises me anymore. I heard how he talked about other people when they weren't around. I knew then (because I overheard him telling people that my feelings didn't matter, "he had plenty of places to go" when he didn't realize his phone had picked up one night) and I know now how he talks about me when I'm not around.

and finally...

6.) That I actually agreed with my friend the other day when we said that someone far down the line when both of us work out our issues I could see us being together as we had previously planned (because God knows I shouldn't have believed that the issues would actually ever get fixed)

Anyway, I am almost done with my lunch hour and feel much better now that I have gotten this out of my head. I was reading my personality profile last night and it said that I really needed to start doing more of just this to get the thoughts out of my head and start taking charge of my life. It also said I needed to air my grievances directly with the person in question but I read three horoscopes for today that advised against that. Instead it said to write it in a diary (Blog?) and if I must bring it up, do so in public (I think a blog counts). Thanks again for anyone who managed to make it through the junk in my head :-)

P.S. The job is going great and is really helping to keep my mind off of things! Woo hoo! Its just the down time that lets these thoughts sneak back in.

Luv Ya!


Cjristina said...

Baby steps eventually lead to toddlers running around and getting into everything. So keep going forward, even if you fall down on your behind and sometimes have to crawl before you get up again.
On a happier note, Monkey has a blog now. His most recent post made me laugh out loud. I know you need to laugh....and maybe if you comment, he'll remember that you have always been his friend and start responding back.

Shan'Chelle said...

yeah I doubt that but I will read it :-)

nutty said...

It would be so much easier if he would just die. You are SO good for leaving him and so much braver than most!!! So you're having some nasty aftershocks, it's better than still being with him right? You already made it through the quake, now it's time to remodel.

Shan'Chelle said...

Ok Undies, I was a bit taken aback because I don't think I have ever wished him dead but I understand where you (and other people) are coming from when you say that. I am sure that a lot of what I am going through is overreaction on my part (at least thats the feeling today ;-)) but I am allowing myself to feel and experience everything without regard to what it may be.