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Monday, June 27, 2005

Bipolar Weekend

Well this weekend was very up and down for me. Friday I drove back to Sac from Chico to put in my 2 week notice for my job on my way to Stockton for dinner. I stopped by the apartment on the way. Not much had changed. Still a freakin disaster. I looked around and realized I left all of my stuff up in Chico, damn! I put together some stuff and was posting my update on the blog when LeMorse showed up. He was all chatty but I wasn't really in the mood. I got a call from Cjristina and got the story about the bus. Before I left I talked to LeMorse a little about my plans and he said he was going to finish cleaning out the storage before taking a load to Lodi (he didn't btw). Ok fine. He gave me a movie and suggested I watch it with Cjristina that night...ok sure. I left and headed to Stockton. Had a great dinner with The Acting Golfer, Mrs. Acting Golfer, and cjristina where I ate really good chipotle raviolis (California Pizza Kitchen) and learned that Cjristina wanted to "go down because she had never been there before". She was actually referring to Disneyland but any of you that know us (or are learning quickly) know that our dirty minds didn't think of "the happiest place on earth". Cjristina is known for catching on really quickly to such dirtyness but this was a slow night for her and it took her some explaining before she caught on. After dinner (and me almost leaving my debit card as a tip) we went our seperate ways. I don't know if Mr. & Mrs. Golfer ended up at the Jackson Casino but Mr. Golfer was itching to go so if they did I hope that they did well(or at least broke even). I planned to meet Cjristina back at her house and ran some errands (including hitting up the local Target for some clothes :-)) and headed back to Cjristina's for a chat. While I was there LeMorse called and apparently expected Cjristina to ditch me for the lounge which kind of hurt my feelings, but I let it go. I spent the night there and in the morning had a very difficult time getting motivated to move. I didn't want to face the apartment by myself and so I picked up lunch after returning some things to Target and went to visit my grandfather's grave. I had a good cry at the cemetary and still was not ready to go back so I went to my friend's house that I'm staying at for a week after we get out of the apartment (before officially moving). I knew that Cjristina was going to be at movie night as would LeMorse and Shark and Jea9. The more I dwelled on the situation the more upset I got. LeMorse has been partying for the last three weekends and now he's whining and crying about what a hell week its going to be. Instead of taking me up on my offer to help clean he would rather say "oh I have to help my parents this weekend" when he clearly was not staying away all weekend JUST to help his parents. ARGH! What gets me most is the fact that he keeps saying he wants to change and that I have showed him the light and he is doing almost exactly the same thing he has done at the end of every other relationship. He's partying, he's drinking, he's smoking, and he's complaining about not having any time to move or anywhere to live. My rational brain says that I shouldn't worry about it, not my problem anymore. But my irrational side is screaming "why are you being such a selfish bastard????" Unfortunately I should already know the answer to that question. Anyway, Saturday night I vegged in front of the TV and my wonderful friend Brent chatted with me to keep my mind off the situation. Sunday I woke up and felt a bit better but still didn't want to go back to the apartment so I met up with Cjristina, used her shower, and we headed for lunch. We had lunch at a little cafe where the worker behind the counter was all cute and flirty. At one point Cjristina smiled at me and said "you know your turning red right?" I just nodded and smiled. After lunch we decided to go see Madagascar. I needed to laugh and she was dying to see the movie (besides it was still a matinee). The movie surprised me. I didn't expect it to be as good as it was. A lot more adult oriented and tons of pop culture referrences. If it hadn't been for the kid behind me constantly kicking my seat (a major pet peeve of mine) I would say it was a perfect movie experience. After the movie I was feeling a bit guilty about all the stuff I still had to do so I dropped of "C" and headed back to Sac. I shouldn't have bothered because when I got there I figured out I didn't have my keys (I left first on Friday so I didn't lock the door and didn't even notice the missing keys). I texted Walrus and he said he wasn't going to be back until late so I called "C" and found out that she was heading to J9's house to watch "Finding Neverland" I LOVE this movie and "C" said she didn't think J9 would mind if I crashed their party so I met her there. Getting off the freeway back in Lodi I was stopped at a light next to a car full of guys who were staring at me. The light changed and I decided to just wave at them. I did so and started driving away and they sped up and blew me a kiss. That sure boosted my ego which had taken a few hits over the weekend. So I get to J9's and we order pizza and watch the movie. After the movie is over we are all crying and just start talking. I tell them about how I'm feeling, and they give me advice and listen to my cry about the crap that has gone on for the last 2.5 years. Most importantly they try to get me to stop feeling bad about the feelings (anger, resentment, fear, sadness etc)and to just let myself grieve and work through the situation. Now these are mutual friends and I am feeling guilty (I know,I have a lot of work to do) for unloading on them, worried they will think that I am trying to get them to choose sides. This is not what I want, I just need people to know my side of the story. At about midnight I am emotionally exhausted. I know LeMorse isn't going to be home yet (I'd bet dimes to dollars he is at the bar again and as it turns out I was right). I was so worked up I NEEDED a drink. While you may think this is hypocritical of me, its not like I said I needed to get drunk. I needed a drink to calm my nerves (and was very careful to wait a while before leaving). Cjristina was nice enough to accompany me to the bar so I wouldn't have to face it alone. We show up and low and behold we can hear LeMorse singing. I walk in determined to get and enjoy my drink damn the consequences. As we walk in LeMorse is finished and walks up to us. I go to the bar to get the drinks and he chats with Cjristina. He comes up to me to make some small talk about the DJ being sucky but I really didn't feel like talking. I just wanted my drink and wanted to get out. Because it was so late the bar was pretty much emptying out. We took a seat and about 5 minutes after we showed up LeMorse left. Cjristina and I took a shot and said goodbye to LM's ex wife and her husband who left very shortly after him. We actually stayed and talked for only about an hour more (long enough to have a guy at the bar introduce himself to us and to wait for the alcohol effects to wear off) and then I headed back to Sac where I got home about 1:30 or 2. I am glad that I ended up going to the bar because it helped me put into perspective (or make real if you will) the facts that I have been grappling over in my head about the relationship. While it makes me sad that I am truly no different than any other woman that has gotten caught up in his cycle of pain, I do understand that this is not the end of the world. I still am not really sure how the friendship plan that he wants will work out because a)I don't trust him b)I'm not sure he cares about anything other than himself and having a good time and c)he does not treat me as I feel a friend should treat me. I am sure that after I remove myself from the situation more permanently and begin to focus on positive things happening in my life it will become a lot easier. Maybe the only way for him to break his cycle is if I don't allow him that friendship connection. Maybe I am just thinking this way to hurt him like he hurt me. Either way, I am tired of the whole situation and can't wait for this week to be over. I want to thank everyone who helped me to actually work on myself this weekend and for all the others who have taken the time to read my "self centered" rendition of the events!

Carpe Diem!


Cjristina said...

Anytime, sweetie.

The Acting Golfer said...

No we did not go but we went to Thunder Valley on Sunday. And yes we did do OK. Except Mrs. Golfer owes me 20 bucks.

Avery's mom said...

Wow, you sound like you've done alot of internal searching this past week. I'm glad you realize that maybe he isnt treating you the way friend should really be to one another. He wasnt treating you right when you were a couple...what's going to make him better at being 'just friends'
proud that you went out, I dont know if I were in your shoes if I could have stayed. youre finding your own path, your own independance. bet it feels're getting blown kisses from a car full of got it made sweetie.

Brookelina said...

Hang in there!

I know that's lame, but I don't know what else to say.

Shan'Chelle said...

Cjristina - Thanks....I'm still having a tough time not feeling guilty for how I feel. Damn, you'd think I was catholic (no offense to the golfers :-))

Golfer - I'm glad to hear that you and the Mrs got away. I am sure that Mrs. Golfer can work out a repayment plan ;-)

Robyn - Thanks for the words of support. I don't like hurting people and apparently my words have done that. I can't do anything about how I feel, and I honestly don't know how to change my anger, fear, sadness, etc. Its not as if any of this was my idea. Actually the finding my own path and independance doesn't feel good, it feels scary (there are momentary good feelings like with the car thing) but those are few and far between.

Brooke - It's not lame to say, I actually appreciate your insight. Especially since I have just read his blog and spent the last 30 minutes bawling. I know I shouldn't be reading it but I have cared about him for so long that I find it hard to just disconnect. I think because I have rarely expressed my feelings, he is having a hard time with what is actually going on inside my head. That is my bad for not saying it all along.

Brookelina said...

If I were in your shoes, there would be no way I could keep myself from reading his blog.

I know what you mean about not expressing yourself sooner, it's something you learn with time. I'm still just getting it, and I'm much older!

nutty said...

That was exhausting :( Nasty 48 hours, sweetie. Remember you're not alone and that you are better than this, and him, and the situation. It takes a lot of rain to make rainbows sometimes.

nutty said...

And another thing (I feel like we're kind of joined in this. I hope you don't mind the intrusion.) Have you read Tired of Men? Check out her May Archive and Look for the Ex Factor - it's not exactly the same situation but it helped me some.

Shan'Chelle said...

Brooke - you are right, that is exactly why I keep torturing myself, I can't help it (I guess I'm just masochistic)

Undies - You are right, it was a horrific 48 hours. I am doing better today after a short breakdown about his response last night. BTW I appreciate your blog referral. I read it and was just AMAZED at the similarities in feelings. It makes me very aware of my situation and hopeful (which is something I haven't felt a lot of) that I can move into good/healthy relationships in the future and actually accomplish my dreams which I now realize that I was slowly sacrificing by being so emotionally dependent upon him.

Avery's mom said...

It's all going to take a bit of time sweetie, you say it feels scarry to look for this independance but that is only because it is new to you. there are going to be times like this but trust me, the further down the road you get, the good happy times gradduallly increase in number. you will get there, just try not to watch the clock so much if you get what i'm saying.
just know anytime you fell like you need to talk, I'm here. and i really do care about what's going on for you.
keep that chin up! and have a great day!