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Sunday, June 12, 2005

In the Meantime

I really planned to go to a birthday party yesterday even though it meant a 3 hour drive from where I am (hey I love to drive...it is a time of quiet peace and reflection for me that I can rarely find anywhere else). As I was preparing to leave, I realized that I did not remember the address of the party, and did not have a number to call the birthday boy. I tried to get in touch with someone I knew was at the party but after about an hour I realized that it was too late for me to even consider driving down there. I ended up falling asleep watching tv with my kitty, disappointed in myself for not being prepared. When the family returned from the birthday dinner that I had declined going to I began to have this panicky feeling I get around crowds when I'm in certain moods (maybe I have an anxiety disorder with my depression?) and decided to hide out in the back of the house. To pass the time I grabbed the only book available (one that I bought meaning to read a long time ago). I started reading and got hooked. The book is "In the Meantime-Finding Yourself and the Love You Want" by Iyanla Vanzant. It is pretty good so far, I will keep you updated. Its not necessarily that I am looking to find Love, but I am desperately searching for myself at this point in time. My plans continue to be up in the air, and my dad just told me "you are more than welcome to stay with us but I really don't think you will be happy up here". They live out in the country in Northern California, and being a liberal minded "city girl" I tend to agree that the conservative area that they are living in will bring me down. Additionally, since I've been here on Friday night I have gotten more and more of that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach, and I don't know why. I love my parents with all my heart and part of me does just want to run away and hide up here, but I don't know if that would be the best idea for me. I guess we'll see. I just keep waiting for some divine sign that will make my decision for me. I think I may be out of luck on this one though!

10 comments:

Saije said...

where do you want to be?

Shan'Chelle said...

I guess I want to be where I have all the answers instead of paralyzed by fear. I honestly still don't know where I want to be, and even if I knew I haven't the foggiest idea of how to get there. At least not right now.

Saije said...

I just posted and it got lost! I hate that. I had a very profound comment too. Anyway, the jist was something I read recently, supposedly said by Picasso:

"When I don't have red, I paint with blue"

I thought that might be a good philosophy for life, go with what you have, not what you hope for.

~*Stephanie*~ said...

I wish you the best..I hope you find what you are looking for...I am the same way sometimes..

I don't know if I showed you where I moved my blog to but, I moved it..http://littlesweetdreams.blogspot.com/
I kept the other one for our picture's..
Thanks for stopping by..
:~)

Cjristina said...

By the way, I had to sign in to the damn blogspot just to write to you. Why aren't you online at 1:30 in the morning like Shawn? Take care! I'll see you when I get back from NZ.

Avery's mom said...

you 'dont have the foggiest idea of how to get there..'? sounds like your birthday plans all over again....
but seriously, you should have gone out for that three hour drive just to get out and see what you could discover. that will help create the new you, with new memories and experiences.
your daddy sounds like a great man.

Avery's mom said...

WHat are your plans for Father's day?

Shan'Chelle said...

I asked my Dad last week if he thought a weekend full of moving my crap in the heat was what he had in mind and he said "of course it is sweetheart, that is exactly what I wanted to do". Hmmmm...I sense sarcasm

Shan'Chelle said...

Cjristina - I wasn't online at 1:30 because thats frickin late and I wasn't expecting you. Normally the only people online at that time are people who are searching for porn in their parent's garage and such.....give me some warning next time! :-) I miss you and hope your having a great time!

Brookelina said...

Shan'chelle, I know just what you are going through! Unfortunately nobody really has all the answers, even if some people look like they do. Without getting too deep, the answers will come. My advice? Bubble baths. Seriously - bubble baths, music, candles. The best de-stresser - next to sex - on the planet. :)