Sunday, June 12, 2005
In the Meantime
I really planned to go to a birthday party yesterday even though it meant a 3 hour drive from where I am (hey I love to drive...it is a time of quiet peace and reflection for me that I can rarely find anywhere else). As I was preparing to leave, I realized that I did not remember the address of the party, and did not have a number to call the birthday boy. I tried to get in touch with someone I knew was at the party but after about an hour I realized that it was too late for me to even consider driving down there. I ended up falling asleep watching tv with my kitty, disappointed in myself for not being prepared. When the family returned from the birthday dinner that I had declined going to I began to have this panicky feeling I get around crowds when I'm in certain moods (maybe I have an anxiety disorder with my depression?) and decided to hide out in the back of the house. To pass the time I grabbed the only book available (one that I bought meaning to read a long time ago). I started reading and got hooked. The book is "In the Meantime-Finding Yourself and the Love You Want" by Iyanla Vanzant. It is pretty good so far, I will keep you updated. Its not necessarily that I am looking to find Love, but I am desperately searching for myself at this point in time. My plans continue to be up in the air, and my dad just told me "you are more than welcome to stay with us but I really don't think you will be happy up here". They live out in the country in Northern California, and being a liberal minded "city girl" I tend to agree that the conservative area that they are living in will bring me down. Additionally, since I've been here on Friday night I have gotten more and more of that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach, and I don't know why. I love my parents with all my heart and part of me does just want to run away and hide up here, but I don't know if that would be the best idea for me. I guess we'll see. I just keep waiting for some divine sign that will make my decision for me. I think I may be out of luck on this one though!