My Music

Friday, August 12, 2005

I'm alright...

I have felt so wonderful the last couple of days. Just out of no where I feel as if everything is falling in place. I am kind of suspicious of this feeling for a couple reasons. 1.) Its not normal for me, and I have grown to expect that if I have a good stretch in my life it will be followed up by and incredibly bad stretch that exceeds the length of the time of the good stretch by at least double, and 2.) Somewhere deep inside I still feel like I do not deserve such good fortune.
I am not saying that I am completely over the pain and hurt I have gone through, that would be a naïve thought. What I am saying is that for some reason this week I have been able to push those bad things aside and make some real progress on the other areas of my life that need work. That in itself is a big accomplishment and I am proud of that.
I found out yesterday that I had lost three more pounds bringing the total to 15 in about a month. I was told that a lot of my problems with losing weight center around not being able to let go in any area of my life. That makes sense to me. I am so afraid of pain and loss that I do hold on to things with a fervor that is scary (even to me). I am a packrat, I keep relationships that are harmful and people that don’t care about me in my life, and I perpetuate my misery by not eating good food and then to compensate for that, I don’t eat very often which makes my body think it is starving and therefore holds tight to anything that it can use to survive. That is analogous to my relationships I think in that I find myself starving for love and affection even when I’m with someone so I hold onto them tighter thinking that if I hold out that I may get rescued or find what my body needs so badly.
With this move I have found that it has become a bit easier to let go of things. I am giving away more old clothes and junk that I have kept for years moving from place to place than ever before. I am making new friends and releasing those others that are bad for me. I am eating better and more often so that my body can get used to feeling like it doesn’t have to hold on for dear life just to survive. I really hope that I can keep this up. I think that there is so much that I need to do for others in this world and unless I can learn to take care of myself that will never become a reality.
Ok enough of my philosophizing. I will give you a quick run down on some of my successes this week. You already know that I took calls for the first time at work. I got my stats and as it turns out I was a lot slower than I thought I would be but I am not depressed about that, I view it as a learning experience and a place to improve from. Yesterday, we had a half day at work so that we could get things done and not have to request days off to go to the doctor and run our errands and such. I ran down to the school right after I got off of work. I was determined to get the whole registration thing straightened out because I have been fighting with them online for two weeks and I am still unable to register for the two classes I want to take. These people were SO helpful and nice, I have never had such an experience at a school admissions office. They told me what I needed to do, they faxed things to other departments for me, and they gave me pointers on what to expect. I was FLOORED! I wanted to go online and make some changes to my FAFSA (Federal Application for Student Aid) but I had forgotten my pin number. I made all the requests for information that I could through there super fast computers and headed off to get my oil changed. I dropped the car off and stood out in the heat waiting for my parents to come pick me up. My dad and I headed off to give platelets and aside from the attitude that the lady registering me gave it was a great experience. My appointment wasn’t until 2 but my dad’s was at 1:30. They ended up getting us started at exactly (almost) the same time and because my HCT (Hematocrit…a measurement that approximates your bloods iron level) was almost 10% lower than him I was done almost 30 minutes earlier. After we got out of there we took grandma out to dinner at Logan’s steakhouse. It was good, but we were all tired and ready to go home. Before we could get home though my mom and I needed to stop at Wally World. Even that wasn’t so bad (aka: employees weren’t useless and it didn’t take that long)
I got home and got a very cool e-mail that made me smile, and then spent the evening hanging out with my mother which was very nice as well. We watched our soaps, and I cleaned my room (which made her happy I think). I also packed for my trip to Stockton tonight. I am headed down after work to catch opening night (break a leg cast of Picasso!) and tomorrow I have orientation for a class in Sac. I will update you guys when I return as to if my happy mood remains in tact. Hopefully I will have good news for y’all J


Annie said...

it sounds like things are going great - don't doubt them, just go with it. Enjoy things as they come and let the shitty stuff go as it comes. I have learned (although it still isn't easy) that there are very few things in life worth getting worked up about. So relax and be happy! :)

Also, thanks for pointing out that i am a moron and put the wrong month in my last blog entry...oops! It was a freudian slip - I wish he were coming home today!

Avery's mom said...

Youre seeing the light at the end of the tunnel....I'm so happy you;ve progressed so well (and quickly might i add) just keep listening to your brain and follow your heart and you will be lead to more happiness. (15 lbs in a month!? I want to know your secrets when I'm postpartum) so gladd everything is good, and no it doesnt mean things are going to start crashing around you silly woman. rainbows make a full cirlce not just an arch, remember that.

Shan'Chelle said...

Annie - Thanks for your kind words. I figured that your slip up was Freudian, just thought you might like to correct it...well you might not like it but you would want to have it right. Also, it was great to see you last night. The play was great, I really enjoyed myself. Looks like all the hard work really paid off for you guys.

Robyn - I am really very proud of my progress too. I attribute it mostly to taking myself out of the situation (even though I still visit occasionally) As far as my secrets to losing weight I have started eating more often (how odd is that?) and eating better foods. I can only imagine what I would be losing if I was actually excercising :-) Thanks for the beautiful thought, I had never heard that rainbows make circles. Although, I have had bad experiences with circles in other contexts :-)