Monday, April 24, 2006
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday
Ok I've come to the point where I have to scream STOOOOOPPPPP!!!! I can't take anymore. I am so beyond past my limit of death that it isn't even funny. This week marks the passing of two of the last links that I had to the past 10 years. My beloved ree ree and old man dylan. I am beginning to wonder how I made it out of the last 10 years alive since there has been so much death in such a short time. Although, in actuality I am sure I have managed to kill off much more of myself then I am able to realize at this moment.
If you are reading this you're probably wondering what the hell I'm rambling about. I'll start with Old Man Dylan. Today we found out that his lungs are over 50% compromised with cancer (the dirtiest word in the english language if you ask me) and we are going to have to put him down tomorrow. Dylan was a present to me from my dad about in 1990. We were visiting my aunt's ranch in Livermore CA and there were some really tiny baby kittens that were abandoned. I carried this tiny baby boy around in my overalls all day and by the time it was time to go I was BEGGING my dad and mom to let me keep him. Well the answer was "no" so mom and I left and Dad was going to follow us later. He shows up at my grandmother's house 3 hours later with MY KITTEN! I was in love. This was right at the start of the 90210 craze and I was torn as to whether or not to name my baby after Dylan Mckay or Brandon Walsh. I think I made the right choice....anyway....by the time graduation and moving out came the cat was more of a family cat then my cat and it wasn't fair to drag him into new surroundings so I left him with my mom and dad. He was always happy to see me when I visited and even spent about 4 months with me at the apartment in Sac when my parents were moving. He won the heart of Ree Ree (even if she never gave in a bathed him like he wanted) and Ally. That is the one thing that Ree and Ally had in common, their love of the old man. He managed to assert his alpha male status even in his old age and often went to the door at night to make sure that everyone was in. And if one of the girls thought they were bigger and badder than him he could still kick their ass. I don't know how many times I came home in Sacramento to find Ree and Dylan rolling head over tail down the hall, neither one wanting to let go first....and he was 15 years old at that point! His relationship with Ally was a little different. I think she reminded him of his old friend Chloe but he realized that she was still a kitten so he took her under his wing (sometime literally) and taught her about love. Although he was a grumpy, cranky old man most often lately he still had the loudest purrer around.
As if that isn't bad enough (taking into considersation all of the loss that we have experienced in the last year alone) about a month ago my precious ree ree started not wanting to come in from outside. She would disappear for days at a time and everytime we found her she would be a thinner and thinner. If she would come in the house she would hide and then if we wouldn't let her back out she would pee on us. She was skiddish and anti social in a way she has never been before. Needless to say we were very scared that she might be sick so we took her to the vet and he said that she was in fine health. We figured maybe she just got scared from being outside during a recent thunderstorm. Well her strange behaviour continued and I figured that we should just let her be an outside cat. After all, I didn't save her from the dumpster to make her miserable. After a while when she did show up at the door she wouldn't eat and had gotten so skinny you could see her rib cage. As of today we haven't seen her for almost a week, which means that she probably hasn't eaten for that long since we haven't seen her hunting. I love this cat more than life itself and I don't know how I am going to live without her. She saved my life on more than one occasion and I am eternally endebted to my princess. Even if I never see her again I will always love her and will never forget my chubba kitty and our adventures.
Now....I would like to make a statement to whoever in the universe is listening. PLEASE give me a break. I don't think I can take anymore loss. People tell me that this is just a cleansing process to break my ties with the past and clear the way for a bright future but do you really have to take the only good things that I have had going for me? I know that I shouldn't be selfish. I had Dylan for 16 years and Ree Ree was there for me in some of the hardest times of my life. I have to be grateful for the time that I have had and let them move on to the things that they have to do elsewhere...after all this time I guess I still don't know how to do that.