My Music

Saturday, May 06, 2006

So thats what's in that head of mine :-) I am...haven't really WRITTEN an actual blog for a while, just haven't been inspired I guess. Well that and it is frickin insanely busy at the end of the semester. What I should be doing right now? Homework to be sure, I have some laundry that's stinkin up my closet...and the list goes on. I'm just having a hard time finding my motivation. Its like I'm limping through the week and spend the weekends recovering enough to do it again and again. When does it get easier? I'll take me some of that!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not sad or depressed...I am actually feeling content in WHERE I am...its just in what I'm DOING where I am that is giving me a problem. It feels like I am stuck in purgatory....around the corner I can see a fantastic future but it can't come fast enough. I don't think that I have posted about it, but I have been accepted to the Respiratory Therapy program so in just 2 years I will have a degree and good paying job opportunities ANYWHERE in the world that I want to go....I could theoretically survive on my own in Seattle even....that is just amazing to me, and a little scary. Yet it feels like since I found out time has turned to quicksand and I seem to be being sucked back into oblivion...keeping my dreams just out of my reach.

On top of my lack of energy I have been going a bit stir crazy...hows that for for an oxymoron. If only I knew how to harness that energy I would be golden. Now that I am finally getting comfortable in my surroundings I am itching to get out and have fun but there is not much opportunity for that up least not on a regular basis.

Then there is the topic of companionship. This is the kicker. I knew I couldn't quelch my desires forever...its been almost a year and I am starting to feel those long hidden away desires to love and be loved creeping up again. These feelings scare me because I have always had trouble with balance. I kinda felt that I have to bury that part of me if I have any hope of getting through the next two years because if I let it out I won't be able to control it. Then again, I can't imagine not being touched for the next two years. I don't think that I can do that either. So which is the lesser of two evils, or is there a way to balance it so that I am not always in this psychotic tug of war?

As usual you can see that I am living in my head and that is what is getting me in trouble. If I could figure out how to turn the voices off I would be in such a better place. Alas, perhaps if I turned the voices off I would be kinda get used to them after a while. Maybe that is why I can't because if I do then I have to be by myself and that is what truly scares me the most.


Annie said...

I think the key is to realize that you totally can be a successful and independent woman, THEN find a man with who you can develop an equal partnership. Plus, great guys seem to fall out of the sky when you're not looking so just kick back and know that you are on the road to doing what you want and you don't need a man to make that happen, do you?

Best of luck with the end of the semester!!

**disclaimer: I wrote this is 6:58 in the morning...sorry if it isn't clear!!

Avery's mom said...

alright....lets say that your lack of writing has caused you to start (as you put it) "living in your head"
time to Blog and get crazy and make us think that you have totally lost it. but we know that you havent....your copeing.

i dont know what to tell you about the companionship thing but HUGE congrats on getting the respritory school placement. I'm super excited and your future is getting brighter. you are doing good sweetheart

Shan'Chelle said...

Annie - are absolutely right (as usual)...and despite the early hour you are still crystal clear!

AM - Thanks for your support. I'm actually pretty excited too :-) congratulations to you too by the way...hope you are coping too :-) Miss talking to you!