Wow....am I really this stupid??

I just finished the second of my three midterms I am taking this weekend and man do I feel stupid. I actually studied for these tests which I seldom do because I can usually retain what I learn in class fairly well, however, it does not appear that I studied enough because I don't think I did well on either of the tests. Now those of you who know me well know that I usually feel like this on tests and then get them back with a great score, however, there have been times when my feelings were dead on (Bio 430 final was a big bomb....at least I had a solid grade going in or I would have been screwed!) and I think that this is going to be one of those times. The test I took today was in my introduction to logic class. Because it is a Saturday class it was actually the material from what would normally be two midterms crammed into one 70 question 5 pages (front and back) funapalooza. Let me tell you! The first two pages I breezed through and to be honest I started to feel a little cocky (get your minds out of the gutter, you know what I mean!) Then I hit the third page and things started to unravel quickly. We had to know a buttload (yes that is an actual measurement and no I have not actually tested it myself) questions on forms of valid arguments and types of fallacies. Now bear in mind that there were at 25 different fallacies and they each can be very similar. I am a whiz at spotting illogical and fallacious arguments (huh christina??), however, we were expected to group said fallacies and arguments into their respective "families" and to identify specific examples of the fallacies. Now mind you my head was spinning at this point as I realized that I couldn't remember anything specific that I had learned over the past 4 weeks. As some of you may know, I have been having problems lately staying focused, remembering details, etc. and this test only reinforced that. However, I digress. Back to the test. I managed to work my way through these 30 questions of death and as I wrote the last answer I started to breathe a sigh of relief but was stopped mid sigh as I turned the test over and found that I was not done. OH no, he saved the best for last. He now wanted me to write a short answer comparing two of the lesser known fallacies to the forms of argumentation and explain why they are a fallacy! Oh just kill me now.

Since I am posting this commentary now you can obviously tell I didn't die in that room, however, in about 2 hours I am probably going to wish that I had because that is when I get to take my microeconomics midterm. What I didn't realize when I signed up for the Saturday classes here at Butte College is that they are what they call "fast track" classes meaning we are going to torture you with two chapters a day, 1 day per week, for 8 weeks. Stupid me decided to take two of these beauties.....I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment.

As a sidenote: I know that I need to get used to this type of schedule in light of my educational and career path, however, this week has been a bad one and I feel the need to whine about it. Next week I have some doctors appointments and I get my financial aid and I can start to work on the future but for now I am going to dwell in the misery of the present :-P

On a happier note, I received notification that I have been awarded my first ever grant! WOO HOO FREE MONEY! Now, this grant is no big deal in that I can not quit my job and go back to school full time, but it will help to dig me out of the whole that I have been burried alive within over the course of my life after high school. I found this out at a very fortuitous time this week actually, just another sign that I am probably in the right place for me for now (even though I am having difficulty accepting that). I need to regain some of that focus that I had when I first moved up here. It has been hard maintaining that because things have been soooo slow moving and I feel like I am running in quick sand. I know that the people close to me feel that this is because I stopped taking my medicine. The truth is that I felt this way before that, the medicine just numbed me up enough to put up a convincing facade that everything was going ok. I also know that it is some peoples opinion that I should have just upped the dose of my medication, however, that is not fixing the problem and that is what I vowed to do almost exactly 6 months ago. That being said, I have a doctors appointment scheduled for next week (actually I have 3 in one day for various things) and that will be the start of my concerted effort to get things back on track. I understand that I haven't been the easiest person to deal with lately, and I thank those of you who have stuck by me anyway. I have a tendency to withdraw and lash out at others when I am feeling this way. However, what is different for me this time is that there are numerous signs that even I can not ignore which are helping me to hold onto the logical part of my brain and fight off all this turmoil that I am creating for myself. In this case I would say that my problems are truly "all in my head."

On Wednesday at work I was not feeling well at all! It must have been obvious to everyone because I kept getting "are you ok? Is there anything you want to talk about?" from everyone in my training class. Being who I am I said I was fine, just must be coming down with something. On Thursday morning I cried all the way to work. By the time I got there, I managed to pull myself together enough to be able to fake my way through the first two hours. As I stood in the cafeteria at break a girl from my class came up to me and handed me a note. She said, "I know its weird, just go with it" and walked away. I stood there reading the note in shock. It said "I had a dream last night where you were telling me some very disturbing news. You were crying horribly and I couldn't get you to stop. I kept trying to tell you that everything would be ok but you couldn't hear me. When I woke up this morning I just felt this overwhelming urge to tell you everything IS going to be ok. I don't know if this dream means anything or if that is what has been bothering you, but I could not in good conscience ignore this feeling. If there is anything you ever want to talk about, please know that I am here for you."

It is natural to fall into the comfort of past habits and circles when you are feeling low, but in reality that only perpetuates your misery. I know that intellectually, believe me I do....but when nothing is going right and you feel completely alone in the world it is very hard for your brain to explain that to your heart. I have still not been successful in letting go of many of the things that I need to for various reasons. I have allowed myself to go places in my head that I really shouldn't have (and in some cases didn't even want to) all because it was easy, and comforting, and gave me the "connections" that I so much desire. I have fallen victim to my low self esteem yet again, and feel very disconnected from the world. I am also concerned with the growth of my obsessive complusive behaviour of late. I now realize that medication alone is not going to help and luckily I have very good mental health benefits through work so I do plan to take advantage of those. About a month ago I visited my grandfather's grave and told him (and anyone else who was listening) that I needed help. I just wanted to take this time to thank whoever heard me for coming through! :-)

Ok now that I've cleared my head its time to move on to studying...I'll let you know how it goes! :-)