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Sunday, April 03, 2005

Bush is the new gay

For those of you who don't know me, no I am not gay. This is not a fact that should matter in my opinion, however, for many of you it does. I am of the belief that discrimination is wrong, and to get the point across I thought maybe the following idea would be a good one.....what do you think?

Gay as a Negative Adjective is So Gay!

Now I'm not one to be PC, the term alone is enough to make me want to beat a Muslim with a fetus. However, I feel I have matured enough to finally take a firm stand on the middle school definition of something that is sucky or... Gay. To be fair, a gay man can be very sucky --usually to another gay man or group of gay men. But the term gay as a synonym for shitty, crappy, bad, or stupid has officially run its course. Like the O.C., it's O.ver.

First off, it's phenomenally rude. Do you think it would really fly with my brothers and sisters of color out there if someone asked you, "Hey did you catch that new John Stamos show Jake in Progress?"and you responded, "Nah, that shit looks totally African American." You'd be black soon too, friend. Black and blue. And how would all my sexy yellow Asian pals out there feel if someone asked you, "Hey did you ever read the Da Vinci Code?" and you responded, "Dude, reading is so Oriental." Not only would they tell you that Oriental is a type of rug or cuisine and not a person, but they would also hit you in the face with a stick of bamboo. Bamboo + BAM! = boo boo.

Secondly, have you honestly ever met a gay guy who wasn't cooler than just about everyone you know? They dress better than us. They do cooler drugs than us. Their drinks are stronger and more colorful. Their witty comments are far more hilarious than ours, and their zingers zing like the tangy taste of frikkin' Miracle Whip. You and I both know that gay dudes are always surrounded by gorgeous women who fawn over their every move and would gladly let them touch their tits.

I've seen like 53 gay guys just grab a chick's tits and the chick will laugh and laugh or make like she loves it and it's the hottest thing ever. When I grab a chick's tits I either have a lawsuit on my hands or far worse, a serious relationship!

How is it that the word gay became associated with something that wasn't cool? It's not like on Queer Eye the Fab Five come in and make your apartment look like the Jersey Turnpike. You know, really awful. They make it look great, awesome, dare I say fabulous! They buy you cool clothes, they save your hair from looking like it's the '90s, they make you hipper than you really are. Yet how do you reward Carson, Tom, Jai, et al? By saying that the hockey strike is so gay as is the whole damn sport as well as the entire nation of Canada.

Yes professional hockey sucks dick, but it is certainly not gay, sir! Granted there are grown men on ice skates, a lot of stick handling, and once those teeth are knocked out nothin' beats a gummy blowjob. But dammit, hockey is not gay.

I propose a new and improved term for things that honk. The next time one of your chums asks, "Hey are you going to go see Miss Congeniality 2 next weekend?" Why don't you try out my new patented buzzword for the blowworthy. "Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous? Are you out of your mind? That shit looks completely BUSHED."

Let's face it. There is nothing less cool than George W Bush. He's the most hated president in US history. He is hated all over the world. Bring up the name Bush and you hear moans and groans. Show any minority a picture of Bush and they get angry. He is the symbol for everything that is wrong in the United States. So what better term to replace gay with than Bush. And if the gays can make "fetch" happen (and they did, thank you Mean Girls) it's obvious that they pretty much run the show anyway. Bush just runs things into the ground... like our economy.

So the memo is officially out. Replace "GAY" in the negative with "BUSH". Use Bush in a sentence today. Every day. And soon, the nasty gay term will be obsolete and the new improved Bush term will catch on. I promise you.


Memphis Steve said...

The gay community adopted the term well after it was used to mean 'crappy.' In the UK they refer to homosexuals as 'poofs.' Fags are cigarettes. With the latest fads changing PC terms every other day (negro, afro-american, black, and then back to african-american) it hardly even matters. Tomorrow they'll be called something else. In fact, according to a former governor of Connecticut, they are not gay anymore, they are gay-Americans. So there you go. Unless you're saying "that's so gay-American" you aren't really aiming at anyone.

Prediction: next fad - no more 'gay-American' or 'Afro-European' or any nationalistic terms from the Marxist crowd. Next it will be 'African-world-citizen.' After that they will all claim offense at anyone saying 'African-American' and after that they will claim offense at anyone saying 'African-world-citizen' because 'citizen' implies some form of nationalism. And after that they will embrace nationalism with a Nazi zeal and everything will go back to square one.

Shan'Chelle said...

You might be right. I personally hate the [insert your name here] American naming system. I feel we are all Americans....why do we have to focus on our differences? It would be so much of a nicer world if we could all get along. And by the way, why is it ok for people of the same race, religion, or sexual preference group to refer to each other as these derrogatory terms? Just a thought..