That is what I feel like inside, but not necessarily what I show on the outside....well most of the time.....at least I try not to. However, sometimes I get so tired of being strong, working hard, pushing my way through the crowds of life that I breakdown. I feel myself coming to this point and I don't really know how to stop it. You would think with as many times as I have gone through this in my life I would know how to stop it, or at least how to deal with it. Alas, I do not and so I plunge deeper into my nervous breakdown with my eyes clamped shut. Hoping...thinking....praying that if I just don't acknowledge it these feelings will go away.
What I don't understand is why during times like these people turn to the past as a comfort. Its not like these feelings are new. Its not like the past was any better. Why is it that time can blur the edges of past pain, and turn adulterous tramps into best friends? Maybe it is the way we cope with our perceived demons of the past. If time can turn other events, such as your high school experience, into a warm fuzzy moment, then maybe what we have done in the past isn't so bad anymore. Nevermind that this rational is complete bullshit, just squeeze your eyes closed a bit tighter and you might actually believe it.
How about those people who say that they want to help you but can't even manage to help themselves? But then again, who really can help themselves these days? Really who even tries? I know sometimes I don't. I could have went to the doctor already, but then I would have to face what is really wrong in my life; the fact that I don't value myself enough to not let people make me their second choice. Or the fact that I am not really intelligent enough to make the goals that I set for myself come true. I mean, what really is the point of trying when I'm only desirable or even remembered fondly in the future when I've become part of somebody else's past? So I repeat...
I am tired. Tired of making plans that never come through. Tired of being the only one worried about things. Tired of not being able to hide my emotions from the rest of the world. Tired of not being able to have fun. Tired of being fat. Tired of being tired. Tired of looking to other people for financial help. Tired of feeling like screaming inside. Just plain tired. That being said I don't know what to do about it. I try to fix it, nothing works out. I try to ignore it, things get worse. I try to leave it behind, I can't let go. The vicious circle we call life. How does anybody ever survive?