Wants to be a model for children & still keep doing all the adult stuff for fun & for the moment, she's keeping her two lives secret from one another
I haven't had much excitement over the first few days of the New Year. IN FACT, by working so much I think I have brought out a recurrence of my last illness of the last year. As such I have decided to stay home and take it easy today....well sort of. I did get to sleep in but there are things that need to be done here and I will be doing stuff like cleaning and installing a new antivirus on my computer etc. I noticed as the last year came to a close that I am becoming increasingly lax about keeping my two lives (see above) seperate from each other. Maybe that is what they mean by growing up. You just don't care enough anymore to exert the energy necessary to hide parts of yourself anymore. Don't get me wrong, there are still certain aspects that I would love to keep secret for the rest of my life but for the most part it doesn't bother me having my mother read my blog, or calling to wish my parents happy new year from a bar bathroom. Does this make me a bad person? I don't know. For better or worse, I think it just makes me me.
What also makes me me is the constant second guessing of myself and settling for less than I deserve. I have been getting inklings of feelings over the last couple days that make me think that some of the more destructive parts of last year have finally come to an end with the strike of midnight on Saturday. It's as if standing in the middle of a crowded bar the first kisses of the New Year were more of a kiss goodbye than a kiss hello. I would expect that realization to make me sad but I'm more indifferent than I give myself credit for. Its like the epiphany that I shared with Cjristina this weekend. While I do love every person I have been romantically involved with I have been coming to realize that its not really been about them. I have not necessarily been fair to them because sometimes it feels that our relationships are more about me wanting (needing?) them to love and adore me than actually having a relationship with them. My motivations are often selfish and I have come to the conclusion that if I do not learn to control these motivations I will never be truly happy. That brings me to the actual act of self control. Will I be able to do it? Maybe. I truly hope so because I do deserve to be happy.
I want to give a special thank you to Cjristina, Liz, Joe, Shawn, Justin, Jenny, and Carin for playing your various parts in helping to bring me into the New Year a little more secure within myself. Hopefully I will be able to develop the love and/or respect for myself that these people seem to have for me.
|Risk! Risk anything! ... Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth.|
- Katherine Mansfield