How many doilies does it take to cover your butt?

There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self.

- Aldous Huxley


EUREKA! She's got it!

Ok! I knew it was only a matter of time before it would hit me and it finally has. INSPIRATION! And a little bit more I think. Intrigued? Read on...

I have a dirty little secret and I'm going to let y'all in on it. I am addicted to model shows Yes I'm actually referring to television programs such as "Top Model", "Project Runway", and the Runway fashion show specials such as the Victoria's Secret one that was on last night. Now, it is not for the "normal" reason that a woman in our society might tune in to watch the spectacle that these waifish women put on display...or maybe in some ways it is. It is not that I long to be a part of that world in the slightest way, in fact you would be hard pressed to get me to a live fashion show. I am simply fascinated by the lengths people will put themselves through for social acceptance. Don't get me wrong, I do this in my own life, I just enjoy knowing that I'm not alone I guess. Despite the many objections of family and friends asking "how can you watch this crap" I find myself tuning in week to see the "trials and tribulations" of these supposedly "perfect" people who turn out to be human in some cases. So that I'm not misunderstood I want to clarify, I am not saying that these are GOOD human beings in most cases, but the fact remains that they are human and are not impervious to the demands that our society puts on people to be perfect. I hesitate to say that these unrealistic expectations are solely put on women (even though it has historically been more blatant and obvious in the case of women) as there are many men who experience the similar issues.

In some ways I watch in wonder at the tragic scene unfolds before me on the television set with a certain amount of awe and amazement. I think to myself, how they can make such fools out of themselves, or what are they thinking everybody knows better than that. If I'm really feeling honest with myself I admit that I have been there done that. In an effort to make a change I have decided to confront it head on and live by example.

If you are still with me I will go further and explain what prompted this rant. I was puttering around my room last night half watching television half cleaning my room after watching my favorite reality television show (The Amazing Race...go Linzes!) Anyway, as some of you probably can guess, the Victoria's Secret Fashion show came on and as I wasn't really paying much attention anyway I left it on as background noise. At one point I came back into the room just in time to hear them interviewing some of the models about how they feel about doing a lingerie runway show. I'm telling you people, they interviewed 4 of the skinniest malnourished looking models in the show and each and every one of them said that one of their biggest concerns were with their body because a.) they didn’t think they looked good enough (ie: they were too fat or untoned) or b.) had other self esteem issues that make it difficult for them to walk around half naked on television. I was floored!! OH MI GOD. How can these people say this with a straight face? These are the women that our little girls are being taught to emulate at all costs, the women who are “supposedly” the pinnacle of beauty (not that I or any random group of people would come to a consensus on this fact since aesthetic beauty is purely subjective). That's when I suddenly had the realization that this was the point. We are all mentally f&$*ed. I'm guilty of the same thing. I look in the mirror and see only the imperfections and the things I hate about myself so why shouldn't these women to (they are only human...see above). This is only a symptom of a bigger problem that isn't going to be corrected on our own. The only way that we are ever going to get past all of this self inflicted agony is to accept the fact that we are imperfect and that is ok. The way I see it we have two choices, we can be miserable and hate ourselves dreaming of being different when in reality that will not make us any happier OR we can embrace the wonderful aspects of ourselves and try to minimize the damage done to our psyche by society at large.

I am well aware that this is all rhetoric that is easy to say but hard to enact, however, I have committed to myself (at least for the time being) to take a step towards self love instead of self loathe. I am sure you are all aware by this point that I have REALLY low self esteem. I am not as bad as some people I know, but I am still pretty bad. As a baby step forward I am going to post a picture of myself (I think I look bad in person but I think I look 100X worse in pictures) and proclaim to anyone reading this that I AM A BEAUTIFUL PERSON! My imperfections do not matter, my soul does.

I want to also say that I am not posting this to get a whole bunch of affirmative comments saying yes you are beautiful. It is nice to hear but honestly I am the one who has to believe it and trust me I have heard it before but still do not fully believe. I know my regular readers are wonderful but I would also like to note that if you have taken the time to read this whole thing and get to the picture only to think stop deluding yourself your ugly I don't need to hear that either. I have heard that before as well and the whole point of this ramble is that I am trying not to validate myself based on others opinions. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know what kind of person I am and the kind of person I hope to be and your pettiness and misery is inconsequential to me achieving my results. I wish you the best of luck in resolving the demons that make you surf the web to find people you think you are better than.

That being said, I would not give any amount of money to trade places with any of these women. I can't imagine being seen as "perfect" and still not loving myself. It is probably a very lonely prison. Also, have you seen some of the guys these "super models" get married to. I am sorry if any of you are a Seal fan but in my opinion YUCK! Wouldn't you think that Heidi Klum could do a bit better than that? ;-) Ok...now that I have completely invalidated the point of my entire blog with that last sentence I would like to thank anyone who managed to get through this monstrous post. If I have inspired you to comment in some other way as always feel free to do so, I love to read others take on the random nonsense rolling around in my brain.

That's all for now...Tootles!