My Music

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Bitter, Confused, and Depressed NO MORE...

As almighty powerful as I may be, I am still yet to uncover the power to control people's thoughts or actions. If I had I would definitely be much more financially secure and in a much different place in my life. Alas, I have recently discovered that I have been the inspiration for some disturbing drama and I would like to set the record straight.

Over the past few years I have allowed myself to be changed from the person that I really am to the person that some people perceive me to be. While I do not give a damn about what these other people perceptions of me are, I have allowed mean people's comments and actions to get under my skin. This has got to stop. While I maintain that I have every right to be bitter for letting myself believe the lies that have succeeded in sucking me into other people's warped sense of reality, this bitterness is counterproductive. As I am determined to make a difference in this world I have to forgive myself.

I have grown a great deal in the past 8 months. I have successfully moved to a new place and made new wonderfully supportive friends while managing to stay close with the people who truly love me from my past. While I have physically (geographically, sexually, ect.) moved on with much success I have not been quite so successful at putting the resentment and misery of the past 10 years behind me. It is easy for those who are not hurt by their actions to say "move on...get over it" but how exactly do you forgive yourself for and forget about falling for the same lies you watched some of your best friends fall for, for trusting someone when they told you that everything you wanted in life was their dream as well and you would take care of EACH OTHER in order to get there, and finally, for doing everything in your power to squelch the ever present fear of failure while knowing that these fears are not unfounded because at some point things have changed and you are not even in the top 20 important persons in the life of the person who has made you believe they love you yet who treats you with increasing disrespect and maliciousness? How do you cope when you find out the things that were said about you when you weren't around rival those that you have heard them say about others?

In the wise words of many of the people who are my lifeline these days there is nothing that anyone can do to you if you don't allow them to. The person that has been hurting me is ME! I have allowed people to put me on a path to being the insane person they believe me to be and before I can "get over it" I must say NO MORE! I must forgive myself for being human. I must not let these hateful people have the power to hurt me. I do NOT have to forgive and forget the lies and betrayals that I have endured, however, I do have to seperate myself from them. Karma is a bitch, and I have to believe that those who deserve it will get what they deserve as I have.

While I accept that there is nothing that I can do to make ignorant people understand my point of view, I am able to put the past where it the past. I know I am meant for big things and staying connected to the pain, misery, and lonliness that is associated with the past is not the way to achieve it. Therefore, I want it to be clear that I do not support, endorse, or in any way promote anything done on my behalf. If I have something to say, I WILL SAY IT! However, by the same token, I can not stop people who love me from forming their own opinions. Nor do I have any power to stop them, if they so choose, from expressing them. If they happen to agree with my own opinions that does NOT mean that I have put them up to expressing them, nor does that mean I have done anything more than explain my perspective and give them the tools to learn about the alternative points of view that are available. This is no different, I am sure, from what anyone else involved has done.

In closing, I demand that people stop projecting their darkness of spirit, ulterior motives, and backstabbing ways onto me...I have ENOUGH problems to overcome. Someday these people will find that their words have come back to haunt them and when they do I don't want or need to hear anything about it....I'M OUT! (Insert Joe Smith hand thingy here)


Cjristina said...

I'd like to propose a toast to midnight calls! Use them when necessary if they clarify what you already know. OH and amen, can I get a witness? ;-) May the band reunite soon!

MezzoDragon said...

I know that you've never really liked me and that anything I have to say might not mean much. But, one thing I've learned in the last two years is that there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. The two are not mutually exclusive. I have forgiven my husband for the things that have happened, but I'll not be forgetting them anytime soon. It makes trusting hard, and even though he doesn't understand why I can't do both, he admits that it has probably helped a lot more than it hurt.

It's not easy to let go of a hurt, but if you keep trying, (and don't let yourself pick at it) one day it's. . .not gone, but tiny and insignificant.

Shan'Chelle said...

Sonja I appreciate your words. I have never had any hard feelings towards you and appreciate your comments and words of encouragement. Your outlook on this topic is right on, and I know that one day I will be able to look back on this and while I maybe won't laugh, I certainly won't cry either.

I know we have never been close and I blame myself for giving you even the tiniest inkling that I don't like you. You are a magnificent person and have never done anything to me that would inspire disrespect or dislike. I have not always understood your actions but I am sure that you have not always understood mine either. I hope you read this here but I will also post it on your blog when I get a chance. Again, I am sorry that I made you think that I in any way disliked you.

Shan'Chelle said...

Cjristina - You have a few witnesses as I recall. I appreciate your continued guidance especially when you get tired of giving the same advice over and over again to no avail. Midnight calls are the if only I could start answering them instead of making them I would be set! Looks like it may be a while before the band reunites...may have to call in VH1 for some assistance ;-)

Luv ya!

p.s. and no I did not post twice to boost my # of comments...I'm an airhead and hit submit too soon ;-)

MezzoDragon said...

I'm saying it again here just so you don't miss it.

Thank you, it means a lot to hear that. :) I'd continue, but I'm prone to emotional outbursts at the moment and I'd have to explain it to the people sitting in the cubicles next to me.

Thank you