"The Real Life" by 3 Doors Down
I wanted to find somewhere to hide
And I opened up and left those fears inside
And I wanted to be anyone else
Only to find that there was noone there but me
But I woke up to real life
And I realised its not worth running from anymore
When there was nowhere left to hide I found out
That nothings real here but I wont stop now until I find a better part of me
I let those hard days get me down
And all the things I hate got in my way
I could of screamed without a sound
I found myself silenced by those things they say
But I woke up to real life
And I realised its not worth running from anymore
When there was nowhere left to hide I found out
That nothings real here but I wont stop now until I find a better part of me
Thats out there somewhere
And it cant be that far away
Thats where ill find myself
And ill find my way out
Thats where ill find out
But I woke up to real life
And I realised its not worth running from anymore
When there was nowhere left to hide I found out
That nothings real here but I wont stop now until I find a better part of me
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Its been a while....
As I have received several comments about my recent (unplanned) hiatus I decided that I would take the time to post an update. I have been doing very well and have been very busy of the last month or so.
I am very excited to report that I have met the most fantastic person I have ever known. She is beautiful, intelligent, witty, humorous, caring, socially conscious, and all in all a good person. I have gotten to know her a bit better as I have been spending almost every waking hour with her and am just amazed that I haven’t met her earlier. I am looking forward to getting to know her better and forming a bond that will last the rest of our lives.
Now that I have given my mom a heart attack, I can tell you that this fantastic person I have met is ME! (Don’t worry mom, I don’t have anything to tell you) I have never had great self esteem but I’m working on it, and I can honestly say that I’ve smiled more this year than I have in the past 4 years combined. I now understand that if I don’t like and respect myself I am just fooling myself if I think that anyone else will like or respect me. I think I have made a lot of big steps.
In other news I have been working full time (w/overtime) and carrying a full load of units at school. In February I turned in my application for the upcoming semester’s nursing program and this month I am applying for the respiratory therapy tech program. Hopefully I will get into one…I can’t wait to have the opportunity to work graveyard shift (who said the night time is for sleeping?) for an amount of money that will allow me to actually live.
We had a scare this week with Grandma so hopefully she will be feeling better soon. If you are so inclined take a moment or two to send a good thought into the universe for her. I’ll keep you informed as to her condition as we continue to get the news.
Other than that I have of course made time to tune into this season of American Idol.....I am disappointed to see that it looks more like a spin off of "Beauty and the Geek" this season though. What is up with the fact that all the girls seem to be judged on appearance and they give us 11 geeky guys and 1 "stud". I know this is a singing competition but there were a lot of women that they passed up that could sing but didn't have "the look" and it doesn't seem that they have the same standard for the guys? Oh well....just an observation. My early favorite for the season is Katharine McPhee....or as we found out on Tuesday Katharine "McFever".
Next week is spring break so I might have some extra time in the beginning of the week to blog but I have actually decided to take a couple days off work and go on a trip with my new friend mentioned above I am thinking that I am going to take off mid week and spend a couple days at the beach and visiting people in the bay area. Then on St Patty’s day weekend I’ll be in Stockton visiting with friends and seeing the amazing work that a couple of my friends are going to be doing on stage at Kiley’s dinner theatre.
Well I’m out of stuff to talk about (see y’all didn’t miss much)….again, I appreciate the concern that you guys have expressed in my absence. I love you all and look forward to catching up with you soon.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Its written in the stars for Feburary (cont.)
Part 2
The aspects you have to your career are rare and brilliantly beautiful. Once those aspects fade in November 2006, they will not return for 12 years. Until then, you will have a superb opportunity to make your mark and build a solid reputation that will remain with you in the years to come.
On Tuesday, February 14, Venus will contact Jupiter, now based in your 10th house of honors and career achievement. On that day, you could easily score a major victory. Put a gold star on that day, plus or minus one day.
With all this excitement in your career going on it would be ideal to have a partner's support but it appears that this person is not being cooperative. In fact, he or she is not likely to give an inch on whatever topic you both appear to be stuck.
I am not sure why this person seems so obstinate or aloof. The identity of this person could be your spouse, steady lover, business partner, collaborator, or someone who represents you in business (like an agent) but this person's behaviour has troubled you. Even if you ended the relationship your chart suggests that the disappointment is clearly still lingering with you.
Emotionally, you may feel isolated and without the emotional support you need. I am so sorry to have to tell you this, dear aquarius, I am reminded of the phrase "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" - we all laugh when we hear that axiom, but it does have a ring of truth to it.
If you feel you are the exception to the rule, that your romantic partner is a loving person and quite supportive, then it may be that you are worried about the health or welfare of your partner, or that you have your hands full with a very difficult market situation where a competitor has become ruthless about stealing a piece of your market share.
It is imperative that you keep your health strong, as Saturn opposed to the Sun is a strenuous aspect. If you were born on or within 5 days of January 27th you are feeling the strainmore than other members of your sign. If that is you, you need lots of tender loving care over the coming several months. Do whatever you need to care for your mind body, and spirit, dear Aquarius.
Those readers born near February 13 should guard against colds, but only during this month.
This troublesome partner - or competitor - is likely to present himself at the full moon in Leo, February 13. At that time feelings will reach a critical stage, and a great deal of truth will emerge. If you have harbored certain expectations that clearly won't materialize, this day may prove to be disillusioning.
Part 3
However, things could work the other way too. You may have supposed your partner was not serious about committing only to discover that nothing could be further from the truth! Plans to wed could fall into place rather quickly. As you see, extremes-breakups and engagements/weddings - will be very likely at this full moon, which falls the day prior to Valentine's Day.
All full moon's have a plus or minus four days of influence, so Valentine's Day falls right in the path of that full moon. The upside is that you will understand your relationship in a way you had not previously, and you will be better able to plan your future.
If you are born on February 13, plus or minus five days, you will feel the effect of this full moon more personally than other Aquarians. Keep in mind that you do have many winning cards, so there is no reason to feel at a disadvantage.
If you are single and want to start dating, you'll be in luck this month, for Mars is about to swing into action to add zip and energy to your social life. In a rare visit to your fith house of true love from February 17 to April 13, you'll start to see the lively effects almost immediately of having the Red Planet behind you. In fact, with Mars in Gemini, the planet of the twins, two sweethearts may emerge at once!
Look your best and get out more to show your face to the world. The love interest(s) you meet from February 17 - April 13 could prove to be a keeper. You've not had much help from the universe in matters of the heart in past months, but now you do; use it for all it's worth! Your timing could not be better.
Best nights to enjoy love: February 1, 6, 7, 25, and 26.
Financially, you have some surprises coming but they seem to be happy ones. One never knows the precise outcome when your ruler, Uranus , is involved, for this planet rules all unexpected developments in a chart. The reason that I am upbeat about your financial picture is that you have a new moon on February 28, which will open a two-week window. That new moon will allow you to uncover a whole new way to bring in additional income. This would be money you earn, not win, but that's good news, for luck would have nothing to do with your success! You will have earned it!
This new moon on February 28 will orbit close to Uranus, so whatever happens will happen very suddenly, like a thunderbolt from out of the blue. You may get a phone call, a boom - you'll be asked to make a decision and quickly, too. Indeed, you may find yourself in the right place at the right time - there may be something strange or very random about the way you get your financial opportunity. Who cares? What matters is that you do.
Part 4
Jupiter, the planet of abundance, expansion, and happiness will be in a good angle to Uranus - close enough to help you land a nice raise or new salary offer. This is certainly something to cheer about, so as you see you will end the month on a very happy note.
Before I go I want to urge you to use this month to be as productive as you can be. Sign contracts early in the month, for March will bring Mercury in retrograde almost the entire month, plus there will be two eclipses. The atmosphere in March will be confusing and filled with cosmic dust and it will be hard to see the road ahead. Keep your schedule light, especially mid month.
The aspects you have to your career are rare and brilliantly beautiful. Once those aspects fade in November 2006, they will not return for 12 years. Until then, you will have a superb opportunity to make your mark and build a solid reputation that will remain with you in the years to come.
On Tuesday, February 14, Venus will contact Jupiter, now based in your 10th house of honors and career achievement. On that day, you could easily score a major victory. Put a gold star on that day, plus or minus one day.
With all this excitement in your career going on it would be ideal to have a partner's support but it appears that this person is not being cooperative. In fact, he or she is not likely to give an inch on whatever topic you both appear to be stuck.
I am not sure why this person seems so obstinate or aloof. The identity of this person could be your spouse, steady lover, business partner, collaborator, or someone who represents you in business (like an agent) but this person's behaviour has troubled you. Even if you ended the relationship your chart suggests that the disappointment is clearly still lingering with you.
Emotionally, you may feel isolated and without the emotional support you need. I am so sorry to have to tell you this, dear aquarius, I am reminded of the phrase "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" - we all laugh when we hear that axiom, but it does have a ring of truth to it.
If you feel you are the exception to the rule, that your romantic partner is a loving person and quite supportive, then it may be that you are worried about the health or welfare of your partner, or that you have your hands full with a very difficult market situation where a competitor has become ruthless about stealing a piece of your market share.
It is imperative that you keep your health strong, as Saturn opposed to the Sun is a strenuous aspect. If you were born on or within 5 days of January 27th you are feeling the strainmore than other members of your sign. If that is you, you need lots of tender loving care over the coming several months. Do whatever you need to care for your mind body, and spirit, dear Aquarius.
Those readers born near February 13 should guard against colds, but only during this month.
This troublesome partner - or competitor - is likely to present himself at the full moon in Leo, February 13. At that time feelings will reach a critical stage, and a great deal of truth will emerge. If you have harbored certain expectations that clearly won't materialize, this day may prove to be disillusioning.
Part 3
However, things could work the other way too. You may have supposed your partner was not serious about committing only to discover that nothing could be further from the truth! Plans to wed could fall into place rather quickly. As you see, extremes-breakups and engagements/weddings - will be very likely at this full moon, which falls the day prior to Valentine's Day.
All full moon's have a plus or minus four days of influence, so Valentine's Day falls right in the path of that full moon. The upside is that you will understand your relationship in a way you had not previously, and you will be better able to plan your future.
If you are born on February 13, plus or minus five days, you will feel the effect of this full moon more personally than other Aquarians. Keep in mind that you do have many winning cards, so there is no reason to feel at a disadvantage.
If you are single and want to start dating, you'll be in luck this month, for Mars is about to swing into action to add zip and energy to your social life. In a rare visit to your fith house of true love from February 17 to April 13, you'll start to see the lively effects almost immediately of having the Red Planet behind you. In fact, with Mars in Gemini, the planet of the twins, two sweethearts may emerge at once!
Look your best and get out more to show your face to the world. The love interest(s) you meet from February 17 - April 13 could prove to be a keeper. You've not had much help from the universe in matters of the heart in past months, but now you do; use it for all it's worth! Your timing could not be better.
Best nights to enjoy love: February 1, 6, 7, 25, and 26.
Financially, you have some surprises coming but they seem to be happy ones. One never knows the precise outcome when your ruler, Uranus , is involved, for this planet rules all unexpected developments in a chart. The reason that I am upbeat about your financial picture is that you have a new moon on February 28, which will open a two-week window. That new moon will allow you to uncover a whole new way to bring in additional income. This would be money you earn, not win, but that's good news, for luck would have nothing to do with your success! You will have earned it!
This new moon on February 28 will orbit close to Uranus, so whatever happens will happen very suddenly, like a thunderbolt from out of the blue. You may get a phone call, a boom - you'll be asked to make a decision and quickly, too. Indeed, you may find yourself in the right place at the right time - there may be something strange or very random about the way you get your financial opportunity. Who cares? What matters is that you do.
Part 4
Jupiter, the planet of abundance, expansion, and happiness will be in a good angle to Uranus - close enough to help you land a nice raise or new salary offer. This is certainly something to cheer about, so as you see you will end the month on a very happy note.
Before I go I want to urge you to use this month to be as productive as you can be. Sign contracts early in the month, for March will bring Mercury in retrograde almost the entire month, plus there will be two eclipses. The atmosphere in March will be confusing and filled with cosmic dust and it will be hard to see the road ahead. Keep your schedule light, especially mid month.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Happy Birthday to you....
This beautiful lady turns the great age of 69 today. I love you mostly Grandma and I will always be your ladybug.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Happy Amateurs Day
Thanks to Cjristina's parents for the title of this blog...
Remember those candy conversation hearts that we always handed out? The ones that tasted nasty but were "oh so cool". I found a quiz (thanks Brian) and I couldn't decide on one of the questions on the quiz so I will give you both my results and let you decide...
I think that says it all...oh yeah and as AppleAnnie says, all the cool kids are doing "it"....click the link to find out what "it" is :-)
Super Shanda
Remember those candy conversation hearts that we always handed out? The ones that tasted nasty but were "oh so cool". I found a quiz (thanks Brian) and I couldn't decide on one of the questions on the quiz so I will give you both my results and let you decide...
| Your Candy Heart Says "Hug Me" |
 A total sweetheart, you always have a lot of love to give out. Your heart is open to where ever love takes you! Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a surprise romantic evening that you've planned out Your flirting style: lots of listening and talking What turns you off: fighting and conflict Why you're hot: you're fearless about falling in love |
| Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real" |
 You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love. You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!) Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get |
I think that says it all...oh yeah and as AppleAnnie says, all the cool kids are doing "it"....click the link to find out what "it" is :-)
Super Shanda
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Bitter, Confused, and Depressed NO MORE...
As almighty powerful as I may be, I am still yet to uncover the power to control people's thoughts or actions. If I had I would definitely be much more financially secure and in a much different place in my life. Alas, I have recently discovered that I have been the inspiration for some disturbing drama and I would like to set the record straight.
Over the past few years I have allowed myself to be changed from the person that I really am to the person that some people perceive me to be. While I do not give a damn about what these other people perceptions of me are, I have allowed mean people's comments and actions to get under my skin. This has got to stop. While I maintain that I have every right to be bitter for letting myself believe the lies that have succeeded in sucking me into other people's warped sense of reality, this bitterness is counterproductive. As I am determined to make a difference in this world I have to forgive myself.
I have grown a great deal in the past 8 months. I have successfully moved to a new place and made new wonderfully supportive friends while managing to stay close with the people who truly love me from my past. While I have physically (geographically, sexually, ect.) moved on with much success I have not been quite so successful at putting the resentment and misery of the past 10 years behind me. It is easy for those who are not hurt by their actions to say "move on...get over it" but how exactly do you forgive yourself for and forget about falling for the same lies you watched some of your best friends fall for, for trusting someone when they told you that everything you wanted in life was their dream as well and you would take care of EACH OTHER in order to get there, and finally, for doing everything in your power to squelch the ever present fear of failure while knowing that these fears are not unfounded because at some point things have changed and you are not even in the top 20 important persons in the life of the person who has made you believe they love you yet who treats you with increasing disrespect and maliciousness? How do you cope when you find out the things that were said about you when you weren't around rival those that you have heard them say about others?
In the wise words of many of the people who are my lifeline these days there is nothing that anyone can do to you if you don't allow them to. The person that has been hurting me is ME! I have allowed people to put me on a path to being the insane person they believe me to be and before I can "get over it" I must say NO MORE! I must forgive myself for being human. I must not let these hateful people have the power to hurt me. I do NOT have to forgive and forget the lies and betrayals that I have endured, however, I do have to seperate myself from them. Karma is a bitch, and I have to believe that those who deserve it will get what they deserve as I have.
While I accept that there is nothing that I can do to make ignorant people understand my point of view, I am able to put the past where it belongs....in the past. I know I am meant for big things and staying connected to the pain, misery, and lonliness that is associated with the past is not the way to achieve it. Therefore, I want it to be clear that I do not support, endorse, or in any way promote anything done on my behalf. If I have something to say, I WILL SAY IT! However, by the same token, I can not stop people who love me from forming their own opinions. Nor do I have any power to stop them, if they so choose, from expressing them. If they happen to agree with my own opinions that does NOT mean that I have put them up to expressing them, nor does that mean I have done anything more than explain my perspective and give them the tools to learn about the alternative points of view that are available. This is no different, I am sure, from what anyone else involved has done.
In closing, I demand that people stop projecting their darkness of spirit, ulterior motives, and backstabbing ways onto me...I have ENOUGH problems to overcome. Someday these people will find that their words have come back to haunt them and when they do I don't want or need to hear anything about it....I'M OUT! (Insert Joe Smith hand thingy here)
Over the past few years I have allowed myself to be changed from the person that I really am to the person that some people perceive me to be. While I do not give a damn about what these other people perceptions of me are, I have allowed mean people's comments and actions to get under my skin. This has got to stop. While I maintain that I have every right to be bitter for letting myself believe the lies that have succeeded in sucking me into other people's warped sense of reality, this bitterness is counterproductive. As I am determined to make a difference in this world I have to forgive myself.
I have grown a great deal in the past 8 months. I have successfully moved to a new place and made new wonderfully supportive friends while managing to stay close with the people who truly love me from my past. While I have physically (geographically, sexually, ect.) moved on with much success I have not been quite so successful at putting the resentment and misery of the past 10 years behind me. It is easy for those who are not hurt by their actions to say "move on...get over it" but how exactly do you forgive yourself for and forget about falling for the same lies you watched some of your best friends fall for, for trusting someone when they told you that everything you wanted in life was their dream as well and you would take care of EACH OTHER in order to get there, and finally, for doing everything in your power to squelch the ever present fear of failure while knowing that these fears are not unfounded because at some point things have changed and you are not even in the top 20 important persons in the life of the person who has made you believe they love you yet who treats you with increasing disrespect and maliciousness? How do you cope when you find out the things that were said about you when you weren't around rival those that you have heard them say about others?
In the wise words of many of the people who are my lifeline these days there is nothing that anyone can do to you if you don't allow them to. The person that has been hurting me is ME! I have allowed people to put me on a path to being the insane person they believe me to be and before I can "get over it" I must say NO MORE! I must forgive myself for being human. I must not let these hateful people have the power to hurt me. I do NOT have to forgive and forget the lies and betrayals that I have endured, however, I do have to seperate myself from them. Karma is a bitch, and I have to believe that those who deserve it will get what they deserve as I have.
While I accept that there is nothing that I can do to make ignorant people understand my point of view, I am able to put the past where it belongs....in the past. I know I am meant for big things and staying connected to the pain, misery, and lonliness that is associated with the past is not the way to achieve it. Therefore, I want it to be clear that I do not support, endorse, or in any way promote anything done on my behalf. If I have something to say, I WILL SAY IT! However, by the same token, I can not stop people who love me from forming their own opinions. Nor do I have any power to stop them, if they so choose, from expressing them. If they happen to agree with my own opinions that does NOT mean that I have put them up to expressing them, nor does that mean I have done anything more than explain my perspective and give them the tools to learn about the alternative points of view that are available. This is no different, I am sure, from what anyone else involved has done.
In closing, I demand that people stop projecting their darkness of spirit, ulterior motives, and backstabbing ways onto me...I have ENOUGH problems to overcome. Someday these people will find that their words have come back to haunt them and when they do I don't want or need to hear anything about it....I'M OUT! (Insert Joe Smith hand thingy here)
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Do you believe in magic?
Magic
She tapped her finger & nothing happened & she thought she had lost her magic, but it had only changed & it took her awhile to figure it out.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
What's in the stars for Feburary
For me and my fellow aquarians it is going to be an exciting month according to Verizon Wireless' mobile astrology zone. Read on if you interested in finding out what is supposed to happen for me. I'll post at the end of the month to tell you how it actually turned out.
Part 1:
February finds you ready to break out of your box, try new things, and upset the apple cart. GOOD! That's always your best role in the scheme of things, o this month, as they say, "Let you be you." You'll be feeling strong and confident, for th Sun, Neptune, and Mercury will be in Aquarius. You'll be able to show the full range of your vision too, and even if others don't always understand, they will sense that you are on to something.
The new moon that fell recently on January 29th was in aquarius, an important moment in your timeline, for it will surely open an exciting new path. As you begin February, that powerful new moon will still bring you plenty of passion and might, and will encourage you to scale new heights. With so many planets stacking up in Aquarius at the start of February, luck is on your side. You won't have to choose just one area of your life to concentrate on either - in this rar environment, almost ALL areas will glow brightly.
While you have such a strong sense of authority, present your plan and move your troops forward. Act like the pathfinder that you wereborn to be! There's no reason to second guess yourself - dispel naysayers and follow your intuition.
If you were born on January 29th, your coming year will be an unusually vital one for you.for you are about to start a new chapter in your life. In fact, for you, your birthday year to come could serve as a benchmark from which you measure future years. To host a new moon on the anniversary of your birth is considered very rare and special.
At the same time, Mars created a dichotomy between your home and professional life creating a tug-of-war between the two. No matter what you did, you felt like you were shortchanging the other one. That created inescapable tension, and only you know how successful you were in balancing the two. When Mars exits Taurus on February 17, this home-and-family area will finally calm down. You will feel as though a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. The ever-present tension you had to learn to live with will be dispelled. Whew!
All the good news has and will continue to emanate from your career zone. If people back home felt relegated to second place in your life, it would be understandbale. Still you probably correctly sensed that you had a tiger by the tail and you could not take your eyes off your projects at work. So much of what you had worked so hard to achieve over the past years was finally coming to fruition. Somehow, you had to keep the people at home patient.
Part 1:
February finds you ready to break out of your box, try new things, and upset the apple cart. GOOD! That's always your best role in the scheme of things, o this month, as they say, "Let you be you." You'll be feeling strong and confident, for th Sun, Neptune, and Mercury will be in Aquarius. You'll be able to show the full range of your vision too, and even if others don't always understand, they will sense that you are on to something.
The new moon that fell recently on January 29th was in aquarius, an important moment in your timeline, for it will surely open an exciting new path. As you begin February, that powerful new moon will still bring you plenty of passion and might, and will encourage you to scale new heights. With so many planets stacking up in Aquarius at the start of February, luck is on your side. You won't have to choose just one area of your life to concentrate on either - in this rar environment, almost ALL areas will glow brightly.
While you have such a strong sense of authority, present your plan and move your troops forward. Act like the pathfinder that you wereborn to be! There's no reason to second guess yourself - dispel naysayers and follow your intuition.
If you were born on January 29th, your coming year will be an unusually vital one for you.for you are about to start a new chapter in your life. In fact, for you, your birthday year to come could serve as a benchmark from which you measure future years. To host a new moon on the anniversary of your birth is considered very rare and special.
At the same time, Mars created a dichotomy between your home and professional life creating a tug-of-war between the two. No matter what you did, you felt like you were shortchanging the other one. That created inescapable tension, and only you know how successful you were in balancing the two. When Mars exits Taurus on February 17, this home-and-family area will finally calm down. You will feel as though a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. The ever-present tension you had to learn to live with will be dispelled. Whew!
All the good news has and will continue to emanate from your career zone. If people back home felt relegated to second place in your life, it would be understandbale. Still you probably correctly sensed that you had a tiger by the tail and you could not take your eyes off your projects at work. So much of what you had worked so hard to achieve over the past years was finally coming to fruition. Somehow, you had to keep the people at home patient.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
What were you thinking?
Thanks to The Babbling Brooke for providing something for me to think about. I am currently procrastinating on my homework and rooting on my future hometown football team in their first Superbowl showing ever.......GO SEAHAWKS!!!! They are not my Cowboys but you've gotta root for somebody. Besides, Matt Hasselbeck is HOT!
Anyhow, here are the rules. Play along. Just put the first thing that comes to mind. You can do it in the comments section or on your own blog. Have fun. As Brooke points out this is not a meme and anyone who wants to can participate.
1. Long distance::
2. Meant to be::
3. Here::
4. Endless::
5. Resentment::
6. Insipid::
7. Bunny::
8. Slogan::
9. Naked::
10. Sarcasm::
Don't
Look
At
Mine
Until
You
Think
Of
Your
Own
Answers
Think you got it?
Now
You
Can
Look
1. Long distance:: How far I have come, and how far I have left to go.
2. Meant to be:: Inevitable, you can run but you can't hide
3. Here:: Where we are so make the most of it :-)
4. Endless:: Feels like forever until you realize how short it really is
5. Resentment:: Hard to get over
6. Insipid:: Worthless don't waste your breath
7. Bunny:: Does anyone else see that big pink bunny?
8. Slogan:: Bet you can't eat just one...
9. Naked:: Natural state of being
10. Sarcasm:: Essential coping mechanism
Anyhow, here are the rules. Play along. Just put the first thing that comes to mind. You can do it in the comments section or on your own blog. Have fun. As Brooke points out this is not a meme and anyone who wants to can participate.
1. Long distance::
2. Meant to be::
3. Here::
4. Endless::
5. Resentment::
6. Insipid::
7. Bunny::
8. Slogan::
9. Naked::
10. Sarcasm::
Don't
Look
At
Mine
Until
You
Think
Of
Your
Own
Answers
Think you got it?
Now
You
Can
Look
1. Long distance:: How far I have come, and how far I have left to go.
2. Meant to be:: Inevitable, you can run but you can't hide
3. Here:: Where we are so make the most of it :-)
4. Endless:: Feels like forever until you realize how short it really is
5. Resentment:: Hard to get over
6. Insipid:: Worthless don't waste your breath
7. Bunny:: Does anyone else see that big pink bunny?
8. Slogan:: Bet you can't eat just one...
9. Naked:: Natural state of being
10. Sarcasm:: Essential coping mechanism
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Things to remember in 2006!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down. (keep this In mind if you are one of those grouches;)
3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain get idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and Lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourself. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love:
Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
But do share this with someone.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Let the music speak to you
This week has started out a little rough which is such a shame since last week ended so great.
This morning I got in my car and popped in an old cd by The Calling. The following song spoke volumes to me so I'm going to share with you how I was feeling. I had a conversation earlier this evening that put things into a new perspective, but I still wanted to post this song to remind me if I have weak moments in the future.
This morning I got in my car and popped in an old cd by The Calling. The following song spoke volumes to me so I'm going to share with you how I was feeling. I had a conversation earlier this evening that put things into a new perspective, but I still wanted to post this song to remind me if I have weak moments in the future.
Adrienne
I've been thinking about you, my love,
And all the crazy things that you put me through
Now I'm coming round, throwing it back to you
Were you thinking of me, when you kissed him
Could you taste me when you licked his skin
And all the while I showered you with trust and promises
What I'm needing now is some sweet revenge
To get back alll that I lost then
I gave you all I had to give, but I could never reach you
Chorus:
Adrienne, I thought I knew you
Once again, you used me, used me
Adrienne, I should have left you
Long before you used me, used me up
Spent my money, drove my car
I treated you like a shining star
But in my sky all burnt out you are
And I'll have the last laugh when I see you with some other guy
'Cause I know you're gonna end up all alone
So take these words, some good advice
All you've done's gonna come back twice
You never cared how much it hurt, I really need to tell you
Chorus
What I'm needing now some sweet revenge
To get back all that I lost then.
I gave you all that I had to give, but could never reach you
Chorus
Now that was one heck of a party....I think :-)
Hey all, I just wanted to take the time to post some quick pics and let y'all know that I had a FABULOUS birthday. It seemed to go by too fast (doesn't it always??) but I made the most out of it. Funniest moment of the day was driving down the road from one massage appointment to another and realizing I forgot my bra at the office and didn't have time to go back for it. Thank goodness for Cjristie (in more ways than one) cause she went back to get it for me (in the process going into the wrong building and wondering why I had my massage in a place that looked suspiciously like a dentist office....oh wait, that WAS a dentist office!!)
After 3 hours of making myself so relaxed I was about to melt into the floor but then I got to go shopping because I didn't have a birthday outfit. I had no idea what I wanted to wear. Couldn't really find anything at first and then I managed to find a really cute shirt that I everyone said was a great color on me. I was trying to find some pants (I've been doing too many skirts lately) but I couldn't and ended up finding a REALLY cute skirt (kinda like renaissance garb) that completed the outfit. Also found some shoes that I thought I was going to kill myself in (I didn't fall once....HA!) and some jewelry that matched perfectly.
Dinner was great. I don't know if all of these people are going to see this but I really want to express my feelings on how people made me feel on Saturday. It felt so good to see all of my favorite people and know that they were there to celebrate me made me feel so special. Thank you Liz, Joe, Shawn, Cjristie, and Tony. Oh and Cathy/Jea9/Justin I understand why you couldn't be there. Hope to see you next time I'm down. Lori, I am so glad that you made it to the bar. I don't hate you and if I had a way to get ahold of you then u would definitely have been pre-invited by me. You are so much fun. Bob, you should have come out with us, you would have had fun (heaven forbid) but I am know you were celebrating for me in your own way :-)
Now for the most part I remember the rest of the night (including calling the east coast at 2 am pacific time to wake up my best friend in Ohio.....I love you brentie, tell cj I'm sorry). Most of all I remember smiling and laughing and dancing and singing and telling people how I feel about them. All in all a good night. And even though I didn't know it then someone was in the process of giving me the best birthday present that I have ever gotten....and that is all I will say about that.
The next morning the band (christina, shawn, and myself) went do breakfast at Perkos very early. We then went and took a nap and I headed home around 2. I don't know what I would do without these people in my life. If there was anything good that came out of my relationship with the ex it was that he brought these wonderful people into my life. For that I am grateful.
After 3 hours of making myself so relaxed I was about to melt into the floor but then I got to go shopping because I didn't have a birthday outfit. I had no idea what I wanted to wear. Couldn't really find anything at first and then I managed to find a really cute shirt that I everyone said was a great color on me. I was trying to find some pants (I've been doing too many skirts lately) but I couldn't and ended up finding a REALLY cute skirt (kinda like renaissance garb) that completed the outfit. Also found some shoes that I thought I was going to kill myself in (I didn't fall once....HA!) and some jewelry that matched perfectly.
Dinner was great. I don't know if all of these people are going to see this but I really want to express my feelings on how people made me feel on Saturday. It felt so good to see all of my favorite people and know that they were there to celebrate me made me feel so special. Thank you Liz, Joe, Shawn, Cjristie, and Tony. Oh and Cathy/Jea9/Justin I understand why you couldn't be there. Hope to see you next time I'm down. Lori, I am so glad that you made it to the bar. I don't hate you and if I had a way to get ahold of you then u would definitely have been pre-invited by me. You are so much fun. Bob, you should have come out with us, you would have had fun (heaven forbid) but I am know you were celebrating for me in your own way :-)
Now for the most part I remember the rest of the night (including calling the east coast at 2 am pacific time to wake up my best friend in Ohio.....I love you brentie, tell cj I'm sorry). Most of all I remember smiling and laughing and dancing and singing and telling people how I feel about them. All in all a good night. And even though I didn't know it then someone was in the process of giving me the best birthday present that I have ever gotten....and that is all I will say about that.
The next morning the band (christina, shawn, and myself) went do breakfast at Perkos very early. We then went and took a nap and I headed home around 2. I don't know what I would do without these people in my life. If there was anything good that came out of my relationship with the ex it was that he brought these wonderful people into my life. For that I am grateful.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Happy Chinese New Year!
It has been a busy week but I thought I would take a quick second to write the post I promised earlier in the week explaining why I was looking forward to this weekend. As you probably can guess it is not the Chinese New Year because I am not chinese. It is of course my birthday today. I'm trying to stay awake until my birth time of 4:38 am but I think I'm going to crash before that.
Now onto why I'm so excited. In the words of my father, "I'm 28 on the 28th and that only happens once in a lifetime!" I have a great weekend planned and am just going to take this time to celebrate me....just like it should be. I plan to pamper myself and then dance the night away. Later this morning I have a deep tissue massage (my present to me) and then I have a Thai foot massage (christina's present to me) and then my day of beauty ends with the torture of having my 3rd and 4th eyebrows (they get so thick its like I have 2 extras) ripped off. Then I get to have dinner with all my favorite people in Stockton. I haven't decided where but it will either be Outback or something Mexican. After dinner my two best friends and I are reuniting the band and have promised me a night I won't remember. Then tomorrow I get to have dinner with my family at Red Lobster.
I'd like to take the time to thank my mother for all the labor pains before and after bringing me into this world because in the words of my more eloquent half "because life doesn't just begin with birth but every time we are altered and grow....and god knows change isn't always easy"
Hope everyone's "new year" is great and I will post pictures of the madness yet to come next week.
Now onto why I'm so excited. In the words of my father, "I'm 28 on the 28th and that only happens once in a lifetime!" I have a great weekend planned and am just going to take this time to celebrate me....just like it should be. I plan to pamper myself and then dance the night away. Later this morning I have a deep tissue massage (my present to me) and then I have a Thai foot massage (christina's present to me) and then my day of beauty ends with the torture of having my 3rd and 4th eyebrows (they get so thick its like I have 2 extras) ripped off. Then I get to have dinner with all my favorite people in Stockton. I haven't decided where but it will either be Outback or something Mexican. After dinner my two best friends and I are reuniting the band and have promised me a night I won't remember. Then tomorrow I get to have dinner with my family at Red Lobster.
I'd like to take the time to thank my mother for all the labor pains before and after bringing me into this world because in the words of my more eloquent half "because life doesn't just begin with birth but every time we are altered and grow....and god knows change isn't always easy"
Hope everyone's "new year" is great and I will post pictures of the madness yet to come next week.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Word of the day
This week's theme: words better known in their negative forms.
requite (ri-KWYT) verb tr.
To repay, return for, avenge, or retaliate.
When I read my e-mail this word caught my eye and I realized that for once I am content with life and actually not feeling any anger or need to strike out at people. For as long as I can remember I have always had trouble letting go of the past. I am not saying that I have necessarily put my past completely behind me but I have in some way learned how to deal with it in a manner that is allowing me to get back on the road to my future. Yay me!
I bought the Michael Buble cd this weekend and fell in love with the first song. It is very jazzy and upbeat and the lyrics are great. I will share it with you below, hope that you all have a great week! I can't wait until next Saturday...for those of you who don't know why, I will share that later in the week ;-)
"Feeling Good" by Michael Buble
Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Yeah freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
requite (ri-KWYT) verb tr.
To repay, return for, avenge, or retaliate.
When I read my e-mail this word caught my eye and I realized that for once I am content with life and actually not feeling any anger or need to strike out at people. For as long as I can remember I have always had trouble letting go of the past. I am not saying that I have necessarily put my past completely behind me but I have in some way learned how to deal with it in a manner that is allowing me to get back on the road to my future. Yay me!
I bought the Michael Buble cd this weekend and fell in love with the first song. It is very jazzy and upbeat and the lyrics are great. I will share it with you below, hope that you all have a great week! I can't wait until next Saturday...for those of you who don't know why, I will share that later in the week ;-)
"Feeling Good" by Michael Buble
Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Yeah freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Sunday, January 15, 2006
How best to advertise "Shanda"
Ok everyone, in this age of constant advertising everything has a slogan. Below are the top 20 choices which have been adapted for my own personal use. I like so many of them I can't narrow it down to just one. Tell me what you think :-)
- Shanda - The Appetizer!
- Avez-Vous Un Shanda?
- It's A Bit Of A Shanda.
- The Too Good to Hurry Shanda.
- The Shanda That Likes To Say Yes.
- If You Really Want To Know, Look In The Shanda.
- Let the Shanda Begin.
- Dude, You're Getting a Shanda!
- Shanda Comes to Those Who Wait.
- Shanda Is Good For You.
- Break Me Off a Piece of That Shanda.
- Kills All Known Shanda - Dead.
- Come Fly The Friendly Shanda.
- I'm a Secret Shanda Drinker.
- There's Always Room For Shanda.
- Step Into The Shanda.
- Why wear Cotton When You Can wear Shanda?
- The Right Shanda at the Right Time.
- Leave the Shanda to Us.
- Got Shanda?
Wanna have some fun of your own? Visit INSTASLOGAN to find out what YOUR slogan is
Friday, January 13, 2006
Now I know my ABC's
[A is for age:]
27...for a couple weeks at least :-)
[B is for booze of choice]
Shot: Tequila....preferrably patron
Mixed Drink: Long Island Iced Tea
[C is for career]
I work for the man making excuses for why our overseas help doesn't know how to do their job and get these people their money.
[D is for your dog's name:]
Dog's drool cats rule :-P Actually its Xavier my black lab on the side of my blog
[E is for essential items you use everyday:]
Computer, prozac, caffeine
[F is for favorite song(s) at the moment:]
Extraordinary Girl -Greenday
Almost Had You -Bowling for Soup
All Jacked Up -Gretchen Wilson
[G is for favorite games:]
Any card game, Hoopla
[H is for hometown:]
Stockton, CA
[I is for instruments you play:]
I was great at the flute in 4th grade until I broke my arm. Good thing though, don't think my asthma could have handled it.
[J is for jam or jelly you like:]
Boysenberry
[K is for kids?]
Everyone knows that the answer to this question is yes but not for a while, I am in my selfish phase (stop laughing)
[L is for last kiss?:]
Hmmm....does it say anything that it was from the second to last person I want to see right now? Too bad too because the kisses prior to that were to die for.
[M is for most admired trait:]
Caring and sympathetic nature
[N is for name of your crush:]
Surprisingly no one right now.
[O is for overnight hospital stays:]
Actually I haven't had to stay in the hospital overnight since I was a baby. Not because I'm healthy but because my injuries aren't THAT serious
[P is for phobias:]
Being alone
[Q is for quotes you like:]
"The heart has reasons the mind does not understand"
[R is for biggest regret:]
Not finishing college
[S is for sweets of your choice:]
anything chocolate
[T is for time you wake up:]
On my own: 10 am
Under diress: 4:30 am
[U is for underwear:]
when I actually wear underwear (not very often) I usually wear cotton...but I bought some gorgeous red lacy underwear and matching bras for the New Year.
[V is for vegetables you love:]
Asparagus, peas, artichokes
[Wis for worst habit:]
Being Needy
[X is for x-rays you've had:]
Too many....
[Y is for yummy food you make:]
Fudge - Better than sex Peanut Butter and Chocolate
[Z is for zodiac sign:]
Totally Aquarius....my horoscope for today:
27...for a couple weeks at least :-)
[B is for booze of choice]
Shot: Tequila....preferrably patron
Mixed Drink: Long Island Iced Tea
[C is for career]
I work for the man making excuses for why our overseas help doesn't know how to do their job and get these people their money.
[D is for your dog's name:]
Dog's drool cats rule :-P Actually its Xavier my black lab on the side of my blog
[E is for essential items you use everyday:]
Computer, prozac, caffeine
[F is for favorite song(s) at the moment:]
Extraordinary Girl -Greenday
Almost Had You -Bowling for Soup
All Jacked Up -Gretchen Wilson
[G is for favorite games:]
Any card game, Hoopla
[H is for hometown:]
Stockton, CA
[I is for instruments you play:]
I was great at the flute in 4th grade until I broke my arm. Good thing though, don't think my asthma could have handled it.
[J is for jam or jelly you like:]
Boysenberry
[K is for kids?]
Everyone knows that the answer to this question is yes but not for a while, I am in my selfish phase (stop laughing)
[L is for last kiss?:]
Hmmm....does it say anything that it was from the second to last person I want to see right now? Too bad too because the kisses prior to that were to die for.
[M is for most admired trait:]
Caring and sympathetic nature
[N is for name of your crush:]
Surprisingly no one right now.
[O is for overnight hospital stays:]
Actually I haven't had to stay in the hospital overnight since I was a baby. Not because I'm healthy but because my injuries aren't THAT serious
[P is for phobias:]
Being alone
[Q is for quotes you like:]
"The heart has reasons the mind does not understand"
[R is for biggest regret:]
Not finishing college
[S is for sweets of your choice:]
anything chocolate
[T is for time you wake up:]
On my own: 10 am
Under diress: 4:30 am
[U is for underwear:]
when I actually wear underwear (not very often) I usually wear cotton...but I bought some gorgeous red lacy underwear and matching bras for the New Year.
[V is for vegetables you love:]
Asparagus, peas, artichokes
[Wis for worst habit:]
Being Needy
[X is for x-rays you've had:]
Too many....
[Y is for yummy food you make:]
Fudge - Better than sex Peanut Butter and Chocolate
[Z is for zodiac sign:]
Totally Aquarius....my horoscope for today:
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Who me weird?
The first player of this game starts with the topic "five weird habits" of yourself and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals.
SO.... five weird habits...
1. Eating pickles dipped in chocolate pudding, and NO I'm not pregnant
2. Practicing the ASL alphabet first on my right hand then on my left hand whenever I go to the bathroom
3. Watching TV while on the computer and listening to internet radio while chatting with several people at once
4. Drinking A-1 Sauce from the bottle
5. Driving far away on the spur of the moment to clear my mind and "relax"
I am going to tag people because thats how you play the game but anyone who wants to do it feel free :-)
Cjristina (duh!), Acting Golfer (I need to see something new on your site...I'm tired of trying to find the lebby), Brooke (because I'm going to steal your recent meme), Annie (because I miss seeing you around!), and Remle (are you still around???)
Hmmm....this says a lot
Thanks for the quiz Brooke! Interesting that I got the same result....this is a very sensual song though so I could see it working for me :-)
| Your Stipper Song Is |
 Closer by Nine Inch Nails "You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I�ve got no Soul to tell" When you dance, it's a little scary - and a lot sexy. |
Insurance Explained
It's been an interesting week. Over the weekend I heard an older lady in the restroom at the movie theatre talking about how the government decided to solve our nation's social security problem by denying them their medicine (in referrence to the medicare part d plan) so as to kill them all off. I kind of chuckled until I got to the pharmacy to pick up my grandmother's cancer medication and the pharmacy said that the insurance denied it (this is insanely expensive medication that there is no alternative for) then I thought "hmmm...maybe the lady was not far from wrong"
As you all know I work for an insurance company. As it is a new year most of our companies are renewing their plans and making their yearly changes to their benefits. I got the distinct pleasure of being yelled at a woman with a North Dakota accent about her 85 year old mother's retiree plan and how could I live with myself taking the food out of her mother's mouth and the clothes of her back. I wanted to point out that I was not getting any of her mother's money and that I was actually a socialized medicine advocate then I was going to ask her to campaign for the ballot measure when it came out. Ironically these people who yell at me are the same ones who shoot down socialized medicine every time you bring it up.
In tribute I am going to post the following e-mail explaining how insurance works. I have no problem admitting I work for the man and anyone who knows me that I have had a really hard time going against my socialized medicine viewpoints (healthcare should NOT be a business it should be a guarantee)....anyway,hope you enjoy the funny :-)
MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED (Research done by the AARP Legal
Department)
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE."
Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges,
who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his
foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
----------------------------------------
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose
the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.
Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the
plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no
longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no
longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor
who is
still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office
just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.
----------------------------------------
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require
pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
----------------------------------------
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
----------------------------------------
Q What happens if I want to try alternative forms of
medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
----------------------------------------
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need
the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach
ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
----------------------------------------
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
----------------------------------------
Q. I think I need t! o see a specialist, but my doctor insists
he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a
heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all your risking is the
$20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.
----------------------------------------
Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an
appointment by then.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Is this the New Year or just the same old recycled one?
Here's the Story of the Day:
Wants to be a model for children & still keep doing all the adult stuff for fun & for the moment, she's keeping her two lives secret from one another
I haven't had much excitement over the first few days of the New Year. IN FACT, by working so much I think I have brought out a recurrence of my last illness of the last year. As such I have decided to stay home and take it easy today....well sort of. I did get to sleep in but there are things that need to be done here and I will be doing stuff like cleaning and installing a new antivirus on my computer etc. I noticed as the last year came to a close that I am becoming increasingly lax about keeping my two lives (see above) seperate from each other. Maybe that is what they mean by growing up. You just don't care enough anymore to exert the energy necessary to hide parts of yourself anymore. Don't get me wrong, there are still certain aspects that I would love to keep secret for the rest of my life but for the most part it doesn't bother me having my mother read my blog, or calling to wish my parents happy new year from a bar bathroom. Does this make me a bad person? I don't know. For better or worse, I think it just makes me me.
What also makes me me is the constant second guessing of myself and settling for less than I deserve. I have been getting inklings of feelings over the last couple days that make me think that some of the more destructive parts of last year have finally come to an end with the strike of midnight on Saturday. It's as if standing in the middle of a crowded bar the first kisses of the New Year were more of a kiss goodbye than a kiss hello. I would expect that realization to make me sad but I'm more indifferent than I give myself credit for. Its like the epiphany that I shared with Cjristina this weekend. While I do love every person I have been romantically involved with I have been coming to realize that its not really been about them. I have not necessarily been fair to them because sometimes it feels that our relationships are more about me wanting (needing?) them to love and adore me than actually having a relationship with them. My motivations are often selfish and I have come to the conclusion that if I do not learn to control these motivations I will never be truly happy. That brings me to the actual act of self control. Will I be able to do it? Maybe. I truly hope so because I do deserve to be happy.
I want to give a special thank you to Cjristina, Liz, Joe, Shawn, Justin, Jenny, and Carin for playing your various parts in helping to bring me into the New Year a little more secure within myself. Hopefully I will be able to develop the love and/or respect for myself that these people seem to have for me.
Wants to be a model for children & still keep doing all the adult stuff for fun & for the moment, she's keeping her two lives secret from one another
I haven't had much excitement over the first few days of the New Year. IN FACT, by working so much I think I have brought out a recurrence of my last illness of the last year. As such I have decided to stay home and take it easy today....well sort of. I did get to sleep in but there are things that need to be done here and I will be doing stuff like cleaning and installing a new antivirus on my computer etc. I noticed as the last year came to a close that I am becoming increasingly lax about keeping my two lives (see above) seperate from each other. Maybe that is what they mean by growing up. You just don't care enough anymore to exert the energy necessary to hide parts of yourself anymore. Don't get me wrong, there are still certain aspects that I would love to keep secret for the rest of my life but for the most part it doesn't bother me having my mother read my blog, or calling to wish my parents happy new year from a bar bathroom. Does this make me a bad person? I don't know. For better or worse, I think it just makes me me.
What also makes me me is the constant second guessing of myself and settling for less than I deserve. I have been getting inklings of feelings over the last couple days that make me think that some of the more destructive parts of last year have finally come to an end with the strike of midnight on Saturday. It's as if standing in the middle of a crowded bar the first kisses of the New Year were more of a kiss goodbye than a kiss hello. I would expect that realization to make me sad but I'm more indifferent than I give myself credit for. Its like the epiphany that I shared with Cjristina this weekend. While I do love every person I have been romantically involved with I have been coming to realize that its not really been about them. I have not necessarily been fair to them because sometimes it feels that our relationships are more about me wanting (needing?) them to love and adore me than actually having a relationship with them. My motivations are often selfish and I have come to the conclusion that if I do not learn to control these motivations I will never be truly happy. That brings me to the actual act of self control. Will I be able to do it? Maybe. I truly hope so because I do deserve to be happy.
I want to give a special thank you to Cjristina, Liz, Joe, Shawn, Justin, Jenny, and Carin for playing your various parts in helping to bring me into the New Year a little more secure within myself. Hopefully I will be able to develop the love and/or respect for myself that these people seem to have for me.
| Risk! Risk anything! ... Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth. - Katherine Mansfield |
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