Let the music speak to you

This week has started out a little rough which is such a shame since last week ended so great.
This morning I got in my car and popped in an old cd by The Calling. The following song spoke volumes to me so I'm going to share with you how I was feeling. I had a conversation earlier this evening that put things into a new perspective, but I still wanted to post this song to remind me if I have weak moments in the future.

Adrienne

I've been thinking about you, my love,
And all the crazy things that you put me through
Now I'm coming round, throwing it back to you
Were you thinking of me, when you kissed him
Could you taste me when you licked his skin
And all the while I showered you with trust and promises
What I'm needing now is some sweet revenge
To get back alll that I lost then
I gave you all I had to give, but I could never reach you

Chorus:
Adrienne, I thought I knew you
Once again, you used me, used me
Adrienne, I should have left you
Long before you used me, used me up

Spent my money, drove my car
I treated you like a shining star
But in my sky all burnt out you are
And I'll have the last laugh when I see you with some other guy
'Cause I know you're gonna end up all alone
So take these words, some good advice
All you've done's gonna come back twice
You never cared how much it hurt, I really need to tell you

Chorus

What I'm needing now some sweet revenge
To get back all that I lost then.
I gave you all that I had to give, but could never reach you

Chorus

Now that was one heck of a party....I think :-)

Hey all, I just wanted to take the time to post some quick pics and let y'all know that I had a FABULOUS birthday. It seemed to go by too fast (doesn't it always??) but I made the most out of it. Funniest moment of the day was driving down the road from one massage appointment to another and realizing I forgot my bra at the office and didn't have time to go back for it. Thank goodness for Cjristie (in more ways than one) cause she went back to get it for me (in the process going into the wrong building and wondering why I had my massage in a place that looked suspiciously like a dentist office....oh wait, that WAS a dentist office!!)

After 3 hours of making myself so relaxed I was about to melt into the floor but then I got to go shopping because I didn't have a birthday outfit. I had no idea what I wanted to wear. Couldn't really find anything at first and then I managed to find a really cute shirt that I everyone said was a great color on me. I was trying to find some pants (I've been doing too many skirts lately) but I couldn't and ended up finding a REALLY cute skirt (kinda like renaissance garb) that completed the outfit. Also found some shoes that I thought I was going to kill myself in (I didn't fall once....HA!) and some jewelry that matched perfectly.



Dinner was great. I don't know if all of these people are going to see this but I really want to express my feelings on how people made me feel on Saturday. It felt so good to see all of my favorite people and know that they were there to celebrate me made me feel so special. Thank you Liz, Joe, Shawn, Cjristie, and Tony. Oh and Cathy/Jea9/Justin I understand why you couldn't be there. Hope to see you next time I'm down. Lori, I am so glad that you made it to the bar. I don't hate you and if I had a way to get ahold of you then u would definitely have been pre-invited by me. You are so much fun. Bob, you should have come out with us, you would have had fun (heaven forbid) but I am know you were celebrating for me in your own way :-)



Now for the most part I remember the rest of the night (including calling the east coast at 2 am pacific time to wake up my best friend in Ohio.....I love you brentie, tell cj I'm sorry). Most of all I remember smiling and laughing and dancing and singing and telling people how I feel about them. All in all a good night. And even though I didn't know it then someone was in the process of giving me the best birthday present that I have ever gotten....and that is all I will say about that.



The next morning the band (christina, shawn, and myself) went do breakfast at Perkos very early. We then went and took a nap and I headed home around 2. I don't know what I would do without these people in my life. If there was anything good that came out of my relationship with the ex it was that he brought these wonderful people into my life. For that I am grateful.

Happy Chinese New Year!

It has been a busy week but I thought I would take a quick second to write the post I promised earlier in the week explaining why I was looking forward to this weekend. As you probably can guess it is not the Chinese New Year because I am not chinese. It is of course my birthday today. I'm trying to stay awake until my birth time of 4:38 am but I think I'm going to crash before that.

Now onto why I'm so excited. In the words of my father, "I'm 28 on the 28th and that only happens once in a lifetime!" I have a great weekend planned and am just going to take this time to celebrate me....just like it should be. I plan to pamper myself and then dance the night away. Later this morning I have a deep tissue massage (my present to me) and then I have a Thai foot massage (christina's present to me) and then my day of beauty ends with the torture of having my 3rd and 4th eyebrows (they get so thick its like I have 2 extras) ripped off. Then I get to have dinner with all my favorite people in Stockton. I haven't decided where but it will either be Outback or something Mexican. After dinner my two best friends and I are reuniting the band and have promised me a night I won't remember. Then tomorrow I get to have dinner with my family at Red Lobster.

I'd like to take the time to thank my mother for all the labor pains before and after bringing me into this world because in the words of my more eloquent half "because life doesn't just begin with birth but every time we are altered and grow....and god knows change isn't always easy"

Hope everyone's "new year" is great and I will post pictures of the madness yet to come next week.

Word of the day

This week's theme: words better known in their negative forms.

requite (ri-KWYT) verb tr.

To repay, return for, avenge, or retaliate.

When I read my e-mail this word caught my eye and I realized that for once I am content with life and actually not feeling any anger or need to strike out at people. For as long as I can remember I have always had trouble letting go of the past. I am not saying that I have necessarily put my past completely behind me but I have in some way learned how to deal with it in a manner that is allowing me to get back on the road to my future. Yay me!

I bought the Michael Buble cd this weekend and fell in love with the first song. It is very jazzy and upbeat and the lyrics are great. I will share it with you below, hope that you all have a great week! I can't wait until next Saturday...for those of you who don't know why, I will share that later in the week ;-)

"Feeling Good" by Michael Buble

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Yeah freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good

How best to advertise "Shanda"

Ok everyone, in this age of constant advertising everything has a slogan. Below are the top 20 choices which have been adapted for my own personal use. I like so many of them I can't narrow it down to just one. Tell me what you think :-)

1. Shanda - The Appetizer!


2. Avez-Vous Un Shanda?


3. It's A Bit Of A Shanda.


4. The Too Good to Hurry Shanda.


5. The Shanda That Likes To Say Yes.


6. If You Really Want To Know, Look In The Shanda.
   


7. Let the Shanda Begin.


8. Dude, You're Getting a Shanda!


9. Shanda Comes to Those Who Wait.


10. Shanda Is Good For You.


11. Break Me Off a Piece of That Shanda.


12. Kills All Known Shanda - Dead.


13. Come Fly The Friendly Shanda.


14. I'm a Secret Shanda Drinker.


15. There's Always Room For Shanda.


16. Step Into The Shanda.


17. Why wear Cotton When You Can wear Shanda?
    


18. The Right Shanda at the Right Time.


19. Leave the Shanda to Us.


20. Got Shanda?

Wanna have some fun of your own? Visit INSTASLOGAN to find out what YOUR slogan is

Now I know my ABC's

[A is for age:]
27...for a couple weeks at least :-)

[B is for booze of choice]
Shot: Tequila....preferrably patron
Mixed Drink: Long Island Iced Tea

[C is for career]
I work for the man making excuses for why our overseas help doesn't know how to do their job and get these people their money.

[D is for your dog's name:]
Dog's drool cats rule :-P Actually its Xavier my black lab on the side of my blog

[E is for essential items you use everyday:]
Computer, prozac, caffeine

[F is for favorite song(s) at the moment:]
Extraordinary Girl -Greenday
Almost Had You -Bowling for Soup
All Jacked Up -Gretchen Wilson

[G is for favorite games:]
Any card game, Hoopla

[H is for hometown:]
Stockton, CA

[I is for instruments you play:]
I was great at the flute in 4th grade until I broke my arm. Good thing though, don't think my asthma could have handled it.

[J is for jam or jelly you like:]
Boysenberry

[K is for kids?]
Everyone knows that the answer to this question is yes but not for a while, I am in my selfish phase (stop laughing)

[L is for last kiss?:]
Hmmm....does it say anything that it was from the second to last person I want to see right now? Too bad too because the kisses prior to that were to die for.

[M is for most admired trait:]
Caring and sympathetic nature

[N is for name of your crush:]
Surprisingly no one right now.

[O is for overnight hospital stays:]
Actually I haven't had to stay in the hospital overnight since I was a baby. Not because I'm healthy but because my injuries aren't THAT serious

[P is for phobias:]
Being alone

[Q is for quotes you like:]
"The heart has reasons the mind does not understand"

[R is for biggest regret:]
Not finishing college

[S is for sweets of your choice:]
anything chocolate

[T is for time you wake up:]
On my own: 10 am
Under diress: 4:30 am

[U is for underwear:]
when I actually wear underwear (not very often) I usually wear cotton...but I bought some gorgeous red lacy underwear and matching bras for the New Year.

[V is for vegetables you love:]
Asparagus, peas, artichokes

[Wis for worst habit:]
Being Needy

[X is for x-rays you've had:]
Too many....

[Y is for yummy food you make:]
Fudge - Better than sex Peanut Butter and Chocolate

[Z is for zodiac sign:]

Totally Aquarius....my horoscope for today:

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Although you may be thinking about changing your diet or adding a healthier routine to your day, the practical reality of your schedule may overshadow even the best of intentions. Don't be too hard on yourself now if you come up with a great plan and then let it fall to the wayside. Even if you don't make it happen, you are setting the stage for a change that's still on the way.

Who me weird?

The first player of this game starts with the topic "five weird habits" of yourself and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals.

SO.... five weird habits...

1. Eating pickles dipped in chocolate pudding, and NO I'm not pregnant
2. Practicing the ASL alphabet first on my right hand then on my left hand whenever I go to the bathroom
3. Watching TV while on the computer and listening to internet radio while chatting with several people at once
4. Drinking A-1 Sauce from the bottle
5. Driving far away on the spur of the moment to clear my mind and "relax"

I am going to tag people because thats how you play the game but anyone who wants to do it feel free :-)

Cjristina (duh!), Acting Golfer (I need to see something new on your site...I'm tired of trying to find the lebby), Brooke (because I'm going to steal your recent meme), Annie (because I miss seeing you around!), and Remle (are you still around???)

Hmmm....this says a lot

Thanks for the quiz Brooke! Interesting that I got the same result....this is a very sensual song though so I could see it working for me :-)

Your Stipper Song Is

Closer by Nine Inch Nails "You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I�ve got no Soul to tell" When you dance, it's a little scary - and a lot sexy.

What Song Should You Strip To?

Insurance Explained

It's been an interesting week. Over the weekend I heard an older lady in the restroom at the movie theatre talking about how the government decided to solve our nation's social security problem by denying them their medicine (in referrence to the medicare part d plan) so as to kill them all off. I kind of chuckled until I got to the pharmacy to pick up my grandmother's cancer medication and the pharmacy said that the insurance denied it (this is insanely expensive medication that there is no alternative for) then I thought "hmmm...maybe the lady was not far from wrong"

As you all know I work for an insurance company. As it is a new year most of our companies are renewing their plans and making their yearly changes to their benefits. I got the distinct pleasure of being yelled at a woman with a North Dakota accent about her 85 year old mother's retiree plan and how could I live with myself taking the food out of her mother's mouth and the clothes of her back. I wanted to point out that I was not getting any of her mother's money and that I was actually a socialized medicine advocate then I was going to ask her to campaign for the ballot measure when it came out. Ironically these people who yell at me are the same ones who shoot down socialized medicine every time you bring it up.

In tribute I am going to post the following e-mail explaining how insurance works. I have no problem admitting I work for the man and anyone who knows me that I have had a really hard time going against my socialized medicine viewpoints (healthcare should NOT be a business it should be a guarantee)....anyway,hope you enjoy the funny :-)

MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED (Research done by the AARP Legal
Department)
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE."
Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges,
who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his
foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
----------------------------------------
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose
the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.
Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the
plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no
longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no
longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor
who is
still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office
just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.
----------------------------------------
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require
pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
----------------------------------------
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
----------------------------------------
Q What happens if I want to try alternative forms of
medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
----------------------------------------
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need
the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach
ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
----------------------------------------
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
----------------------------------------
Q. I think I need t! o see a specialist, but my doctor insists
he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a
heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all your risking is the
$20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.
----------------------------------------
Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an
appointment by then.

Is this the New Year or just the same old recycled one?

Here's the Story of the Day:

Wants to be a model for children & still keep doing all the adult stuff for fun & for the moment, she's keeping her two lives secret from one another


I haven't had much excitement over the first few days of the New Year. IN FACT, by working so much I think I have brought out a recurrence of my last illness of the last year. As such I have decided to stay home and take it easy today....well sort of. I did get to sleep in but there are things that need to be done here and I will be doing stuff like cleaning and installing a new antivirus on my computer etc. I noticed as the last year came to a close that I am becoming increasingly lax about keeping my two lives (see above) seperate from each other. Maybe that is what they mean by growing up. You just don't care enough anymore to exert the energy necessary to hide parts of yourself anymore. Don't get me wrong, there are still certain aspects that I would love to keep secret for the rest of my life but for the most part it doesn't bother me having my mother read my blog, or calling to wish my parents happy new year from a bar bathroom. Does this make me a bad person? I don't know. For better or worse, I think it just makes me me.

What also makes me me is the constant second guessing of myself and settling for less than I deserve. I have been getting inklings of feelings over the last couple days that make me think that some of the more destructive parts of last year have finally come to an end with the strike of midnight on Saturday. It's as if standing in the middle of a crowded bar the first kisses of the New Year were more of a kiss goodbye than a kiss hello. I would expect that realization to make me sad but I'm more indifferent than I give myself credit for. Its like the epiphany that I shared with Cjristina this weekend. While I do love every person I have been romantically involved with I have been coming to realize that its not really been about them. I have not necessarily been fair to them because sometimes it feels that our relationships are more about me wanting (needing?) them to love and adore me than actually having a relationship with them. My motivations are often selfish and I have come to the conclusion that if I do not learn to control these motivations I will never be truly happy. That brings me to the actual act of self control. Will I be able to do it? Maybe. I truly hope so because I do deserve to be happy.

I want to give a special thank you to Cjristina, Liz, Joe, Shawn, Justin, Jenny, and Carin for playing your various parts in helping to bring me into the New Year a little more secure within myself. Hopefully I will be able to develop the love and/or respect for myself that these people seem to have for me.

Risk! Risk anything! ... Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth. - Katherine Mansfield

Happy Birthday to.....HER!

I have found three people with today as their birthday and one of them just happens to be my beautiful best friend who danced her way into her 40th birthday (without me :-<) last night. I really tried to be there for her but I did leave her in really good company (and in a nice ass limo mind you!) It just wouldn't be a testament to our friendship if we didn't get lost and have an adventure on our excursion so I submit for everyone's reading pleasure what happened to me while my friends were partying it up in Sacramento.


Today is Christina's birthday and last night she wanted to "go clubbin" so that she could dance into her 40th birthday. Her sisters rented a limo and a few of her close friends were heading up to sac to some dance clubs. Being she is my best friend I didn't want to miss out but as I've previously mentioned my soul is no longer my own and I had to be at work 2 hours away at 6:15 in the morning. We were supposed to leave at 9:30 so I decided I would follow them to the first club and then take off from there (at least it was in the direction of home). Well the limo didn't get there until 9:45 and we didn't get out of Stockton until 10:15 after stopping at the Quik Stop for them to get booze and soda. When we got to Sacramento I lost the limo but luckily knew where I was going. After driving up and down the street that this place was supposed to be on for about 20 minutes I get a phone call from the limo. They can't find it either. Turns out McGees had changed to some cabo wabo place. I decided to just give up and told them to go to one of the other clubs, I was just going to go home. Well as I was heading to the freeway I see this Chevron selling gas for $2.04. WOW! That's a good price I think. Mind you, I'm not in a very good part of Citrus Heights and the gas station was pretty much deserted but who can pass up gass for $2.04? I pull in and head up to pay (I had cash with me for once and after hearing your story wasn't going to use my card :-P). There is a sign on the door "locked at night use window at the front of the store. GREAT! I hand this guy my money and head back to pump my gas. What you might not know is that my car was broken into when I lived in Sac. When I took it to Geweke to have it fixed they took off my gas door to match the paint color and when they put it on they forgot the spring so when I pull the lever in the car the gas door does not pop open. As such the only way to get into the gas tank is to hold up the lever while prying open the door. This always proves to be difficult since my arms are not made of rubber and are nowhere near long enough to accomplish this task. This is certainly not something I took into account when I decided to pull into a deserted gas station on a rainy night at 11:30 where even the big burly gas station man won't come out of his locked store. So I rig the fuel release just right with some stuff I had in the car and am able to contort my body just enough to get the fuel door open. My passenger side door is still wide open and its starting to rain (they just don't make awnings like they used to) when I heard "STOP IT GET THE F&#( AWAY FROM ME DAMNIT" I look up to see this homeless man standing about 20-30 feet in front of my car yelling at the invisible person next to him. He doesn't seem to see me but in my infinite wisdom I decided I would shut my car door. The sound of my door slamming made his attention snap to me. It was like one of those scenes in the horror movies where you are trying to remain unnoticed and the slightest sound makes them zero in on you. So the crazy guy starts moving towards me. I'm kinda frozen wide eyed staring at him as I chug my arizona green tea. He suddenly stops and says "He's this tall and this big and he wants to lick the back of my head" The only thing I could think to say at this point was "Woah, really? I hate when that happens". I guess this must have been the right answer because he just stares at me for a minute (probably thinking I'm either crazier than he is or a figment of his imagination) and then starts yelling at the big guy licking the back of his head and moves away from my car. About that time the gas pump clicked off and I went up to get my change from the man in the booth and try to walk as normally as possible to my car where I immediately lock my doors and peel out of there. That adrenaline rush was certainly enough to keep me awake on the two hour drive home.

Tis the Season

Merry Christmas, Happy Channukah, Fabulous Kwanza, Spectacular Solstice

...and a wonderful New Year to all!

Regardless of your religious affiliation this is the time for rebirth. No matter what happened in the past now is the time to look forward to what can happen in the future. Maybe its this time of year but I have been very emotional and slightly nostalgic for the past week or so. It all started when I realized that my little nephew was going to be 13 years old...I didn't meet my nephew until he was 3 years old and I fell in love with him instantly. Its not that now that he is older I will love him any less, its just different.

Today's Quote

When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it’s time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.

-Edward Teller

I think what I am afraid of is loss. As I look back over the year there are so many things that were lost this year. I have never been a fan of change....just when I get things how I like them something goes and screws it up. As I look around at the things that remain in my life I realize how desperately I want to hold on to them forever and I realize that I can't. For example, I am very grateful to still have my grandmother with us but I can't help but think forward to a time when she will not be here. Thats when the panic sets in. I begin to think "what if this is the year where I lose everything?" I am 27 years old and can't take care of myself....what am I going to do?

I have always known how to take care of other people but for the life of me I can't figure out how to motivate myself to take care of myself. I am the type of person who lives for others and if there is nobody around to take care of what will I do? Will I just wither up and disappear?

Anyway, this post was not meant to be a sappy whiny rant, it was supposed to be something inspirational that would bring anyone reading into the New Year ready to take positive steps towards enacting change in their lives and the lives of those around them. Then "With Arms Wide Open" by Creed started playing and I lost control. Maybe its for the best. In searching the Internet today I found the following tidbit of information on E-Media Wire:

Survey finds that only 9% of Americans are serious about achieving their goals. 51% don’t have New Year’s Resolutions and of those that do, 79% don’t have a plan to achieve them.

With that knowledge and my dad's advice paraphrased "life and happiness are what you make of your circumstances" I am going to try to come up with a plan to move forward. I thought I was doing well with this but you know how it goes....one step forward and two steps back. I think I just need to go back to work to keep my mind occupied, how sick is that??? :-)

And in the musical spirit of the season I am going to share with you they lyrics to one of the songs off of the new Bon Jovi album I got for Christmas. ..

"Welcome to Wherever You Are"

Maybe we're all different but we're still the same
We all got the blood of Eden running through our veins
I know sometimes it's hard for you to see
You're caught between just who you are and who you want to be
Remember every new beginning is some beginning's end

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are

When everybody's in and you're left out
And you feel you're drowning in a shadow of a doubt
Everyone's a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say
When it seems you're lost, alone, and feelin' down
Remember, everybody's different; just take a look around

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are

Be who you want to be
Be who you are
Everyone's a hero
Everyone's a star
When you want to give up and your heart's about to break
Remember that you're perfect; God makes no mistakes

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
I say welcome...
I say welcome...
Welcome...

Regardless of where your faith lies, I hope you find it somewhere this holiday season

HATE MY JOB DAY:

I have been having some of these lately. Don't get me wrong, its really not that hard of a job it is just VERY draining and I kind of feel like a traitor to my values. I spend my days (10 hour days mind you) working for the man delivering mostly bad news and going against every principle that I have for equality in healthcare. I try to tell myself that I need to know the inner workings of the system so that I know how to fix it. I was cleaning out my e-mail box and found the following e-mail. It made me smile despite the fact that I will be getting up at the buttcrack of dawn and speaking to some VERY cranky people about all the money they are going to have to pay after the holidays. Hope you enjoy it as well.

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your local pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone and the TV so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Then, open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins:-

Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in
very small print there is the following statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."


HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS

You Know You're A Nurse When..

To All My Friends Who Are Nurses .... or anyone you know who is a Nurse.

You know you are a Nurse if............

Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?? It took
her two weeks to realize she wasn't at work!

You know you're a nurse if.....

You would like to meet the inventor of the call light some night in a dark
alley.

Your sense of humor gets more warped each year.

Almost everything can seem humorous....eventually.

You know the smell of different diarrhea to identify it.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing
than they know.

You check the caller id on your day off to see if anyone from the
hospital is trying to call and ask you to work.

You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another
table throw up.

You notice that you are using more 4 letter words than you did before you
started nursing.

Everytime someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of them on you.

You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle, to convince the
doctor is more difficult"

You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your coworker
and to holler if they
need help.

Your bladder can expand to the size of a winnebago's water tank.

You find yourself checking out other customers veins in grocery waiting
lines.

You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they will
drop near you and
you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.

You have seen more penises than any prostitute.

If you are not a nurse and have been sent this by a friend who is, its just
to help you understand our mindset and questionable mental status/sanity.

Most of the time we function in spite of this sick sense of humor, fairly
normally and very responsibly. Believe me, this is how we think, ALL THE
TIME. Scary huh??

How many doilies does it take to cover your butt?

There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self.

- Aldous Huxley


EUREKA! She's got it!

Ok! I knew it was only a matter of time before it would hit me and it finally has. INSPIRATION! And a little bit more I think. Intrigued? Read on...

I have a dirty little secret and I'm going to let y'all in on it. I am addicted to model shows Yes I'm actually referring to television programs such as "Top Model", "Project Runway", and the Runway fashion show specials such as the Victoria's Secret one that was on last night. Now, it is not for the "normal" reason that a woman in our society might tune in to watch the spectacle that these waifish women put on display...or maybe in some ways it is. It is not that I long to be a part of that world in the slightest way, in fact you would be hard pressed to get me to a live fashion show. I am simply fascinated by the lengths people will put themselves through for social acceptance. Don't get me wrong, I do this in my own life, I just enjoy knowing that I'm not alone I guess. Despite the many objections of family and friends asking "how can you watch this crap" I find myself tuning in week to see the "trials and tribulations" of these supposedly "perfect" people who turn out to be human in some cases. So that I'm not misunderstood I want to clarify, I am not saying that these are GOOD human beings in most cases, but the fact remains that they are human and are not impervious to the demands that our society puts on people to be perfect. I hesitate to say that these unrealistic expectations are solely put on women (even though it has historically been more blatant and obvious in the case of women) as there are many men who experience the similar issues.

In some ways I watch in wonder at the tragic scene unfolds before me on the television set with a certain amount of awe and amazement. I think to myself, how they can make such fools out of themselves, or what are they thinking everybody knows better than that. If I'm really feeling honest with myself I admit that I have been there done that. In an effort to make a change I have decided to confront it head on and live by example.

If you are still with me I will go further and explain what prompted this rant. I was puttering around my room last night half watching television half cleaning my room after watching my favorite reality television show (The Amazing Race...go Linzes!) Anyway, as some of you probably can guess, the Victoria's Secret Fashion show came on and as I wasn't really paying much attention anyway I left it on as background noise. At one point I came back into the room just in time to hear them interviewing some of the models about how they feel about doing a lingerie runway show. I'm telling you people, they interviewed 4 of the skinniest malnourished looking models in the show and each and every one of them said that one of their biggest concerns were with their body because a.) they didn’t think they looked good enough (ie: they were too fat or untoned) or b.) had other self esteem issues that make it difficult for them to walk around half naked on television. I was floored!! OH MI GOD. How can these people say this with a straight face? These are the women that our little girls are being taught to emulate at all costs, the women who are “supposedly” the pinnacle of beauty (not that I or any random group of people would come to a consensus on this fact since aesthetic beauty is purely subjective). That's when I suddenly had the realization that this was the point. We are all mentally f&$*ed. I'm guilty of the same thing. I look in the mirror and see only the imperfections and the things I hate about myself so why shouldn't these women to (they are only human...see above). This is only a symptom of a bigger problem that isn't going to be corrected on our own. The only way that we are ever going to get past all of this self inflicted agony is to accept the fact that we are imperfect and that is ok. The way I see it we have two choices, we can be miserable and hate ourselves dreaming of being different when in reality that will not make us any happier OR we can embrace the wonderful aspects of ourselves and try to minimize the damage done to our psyche by society at large.

I am well aware that this is all rhetoric that is easy to say but hard to enact, however, I have committed to myself (at least for the time being) to take a step towards self love instead of self loathe. I am sure you are all aware by this point that I have REALLY low self esteem. I am not as bad as some people I know, but I am still pretty bad. As a baby step forward I am going to post a picture of myself (I think I look bad in person but I think I look 100X worse in pictures) and proclaim to anyone reading this that I AM A BEAUTIFUL PERSON! My imperfections do not matter, my soul does.

I want to also say that I am not posting this to get a whole bunch of affirmative comments saying yes you are beautiful. It is nice to hear but honestly I am the one who has to believe it and trust me I have heard it before but still do not fully believe. I know my regular readers are wonderful but I would also like to note that if you have taken the time to read this whole thing and get to the picture only to think stop deluding yourself your ugly I don't need to hear that either. I have heard that before as well and the whole point of this ramble is that I am trying not to validate myself based on others opinions. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know what kind of person I am and the kind of person I hope to be and your pettiness and misery is inconsequential to me achieving my results. I wish you the best of luck in resolving the demons that make you surf the web to find people you think you are better than.

That being said, I would not give any amount of money to trade places with any of these women. I can't imagine being seen as "perfect" and still not loving myself. It is probably a very lonely prison. Also, have you seen some of the guys these "super models" get married to. I am sorry if any of you are a Seal fan but in my opinion YUCK! Wouldn't you think that Heidi Klum could do a bit better than that? ;-) Ok...now that I have completely invalidated the point of my entire blog with that last sentence I would like to thank anyone who managed to get through this monstrous post. If I have inspired you to comment in some other way as always feel free to do so, I love to read others take on the random nonsense rolling around in my brain.

That's all for now...Tootles!

Its either frickin hot or frickin wet!

The picture doesn't really do it justice but it was beautiful the other day with the fog hanging over the fields and the lake on the way home. Just thought I would share :-)

Who says that I need wisdom...not the dentist thats for sure!

Ok...in search for a little bit of wisdom in my life I have managed to take a few steps backward. Four steps to be specific. Thats right, I finally had my wisdom teeth pulled. It was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be but I have been way out of it and tired. I got some well needed rest laced with vicodin dreams and am getting ready to return back to work tomorrow. My jaw is a little sore but you can't keep me down. Cjristie is still amazed that I can already get three fingers stacked on top of each other in my mouth. I was never one to keep my mouth shut for long though. What I can't believe it is already almost Christmas, and the end of another school semester. I have three finals next weekend and I've been dragging my feet with registering for my next semester's classes. I did take the time to pick up my nursing application which isn't due until February so hopefully I won't procrastinate until the last minute as I usually do.

Other than that there really hasn't been much exciting going on. I hung out in Stockton with all the usual suspects a couple weeks ago. I had a good time and cleared the air. It was a very small world kind of weekend. I ran into a friend I used to work with and her husband. Where did I run into them you ask? Well they were hanging out with the group of people I know at the local hole in the wall karaoke bar. I am really trying to get my butt in gear so that I don't stay stuck in my rut as I have in the past but its hard. I mean, I LOVE the weather being cooler and rainy but it does seem to be effecting me a little more than usual this year.

On another note I am actually doing christmas cards this year. I have found most of my addresses but I don't think I have them all so if you don't get one and you haven't personally given me your address don't be offended. If you are just dying to get a card from me (I am sure there is a line of you already forming!) feel free to e-mail me your address.

I leave you with an inspirational quote for the day and urge you all to be contribute to the fight against mental illness by becoming more generous to your fellow man year round :-)

Inspirational thought of the day

Money-giving is a good criterion of a person’s mental health. Generous people are rarely mentally ill people.

- Dr. Karl Menninger

Late night fun

Random word poetry that I came up with tonight...

I love velvet drama
dancing on groove rock beat
we sweat to let go

c'mon bass time

And I also had a fun time playing with A nifty little site

I'm a race car driver (and a porn panda but thats beside the point)!

Happy Turkey Day You Turkeys!!

I know I haven't been posting a lot lately but I've been around. I have been feeling out of it for a couple weeks and didn't really have anything that needed to be said. Thanksgiving was not without the usual drama but I am too tired to expound on it just yet. It was overall a very enjoyable day and I just wanted to take this time to leave a quick note for anybody who may be reading it. I appreciate all of your guy's responses both public and private to my lack of posting on the blog. I am working overtime tomorrow (can't pass up $250+ dollars for one 7.5 hour day)and then I'm off to celebrate the "broad's" birthday in Stock-Town. It will be my second visit of the month....I had a great time a couple weekends ago as I got to see almost all of my old friends. I even caught up with a good friend of mine that I hadn't seen in at least 3-4 years. That was a blast! It was a little bittersweet to see the changes in the dynamics of all of our friendships but I guess life is all about change and even I am a little different too. Some places I don't fit in well anymore, and others I fit in better. Life is funny that way I guess!

I was going to post a holiday picture of "ree ree" but she didn't much feel like posing with so many people in the house so all I have for you is "the butterball"

Good things happen in groups of three!

Figured it was time for a couple pointless blogs using quizzes and such that I have found on other sites. Thanks to all who have contributed to my laziness :-)

Three ways that I am stereotypically female
1. I'm romantic.
2. I am ALWAYS late.
3. I'm nurturing.

Three ways that I am stereotypically male
1. I hate to shop.
2. I fall asleep in front of the TV
3. The way I drink!

Three names I go by
1. Shan
2. Shaunda
3. Ladybug

Three parts of my heritage
1. Bohemian
2. Native American
3. Irish

Three physical things I like about myself
1. My eye color (hazel green)
2. My butt (thats one thing I don't care about being big!)
3. My fingers

Three physical things I don’t like about myself
1. My stomach
2. My thighs
3. My teeth

Three things that scare me
1. My grandmother's house at night
2. Being alone
3. Love

Three of my everyday essentials
1. Internet (DSL oh how I miss you!)
2. Prozac
3. Food (HA! I didn't get to be who I am by starving myself)

Three LIES
1. I am a patient person.
2. I am a size 1.
3. I am a morning person.

Three TRUTHS
1. I am a good listener.
2. I want to be "found".
3. I am much harder on myself than anyone else could ever be.

Three things I want in a relationship
1. Trust
2. Loyalty/Faithfulness
3. Laughter

Three physical things about men that appeal to me
1. Nice eyes (glasses are great)
2. Facial hair (not too much)
3. Fantastic A$$

Three of my favorite hobbies
1. Reading
2. Seeing theatre (preferrably not BAD theatre but you get all kinds!!)
3. Sleeping

Three things I want to do really badly now
1. Go have another drink.
2. Move to Seattle
3. Make out...no one in particular so long as they are a good kisser

Three careers I’ve considered
1. School Teacher
2. Phone Sex Operator
3. Nurse

Three places I want to go on vacation
1. Canada
2. France
3. England

Three things I want to do before I die
1. Own my own house
2. Save people's lives
3. Have children

Three celebrity crushes
1. Johnny Depp
2. Hugh Jackman
3. Ewan McGregor