RT's breathing room

Happy Bunny!

2008-08-02T01:34:00.000-07:00

The BandAid Theory

2008-04-27T18:58:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of my fellow "RTsian" Rizzo some good advice that I feel needs to be passed on :-)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In our lives we have relationships: good, bad, amazing, ugly, stupid, a week or a few years, but mostly all are life changing. Maybe life changing in a small way. Maybe, now, you always remember to tell the person you like something nice everyday, or maybe something changed you as a whole person. Either way when we are in a relationship that ends, few of us are immediately "ok". I have had 1 in about a million where we were both just wanting out and back to being just friends. And that guy and I never even kissed, so we were basically never much more then friends. Point is, you get hurt. No matter if you were the one broken up with or the one doing the breaking up, it all hurts. And since mommy isn't around to kiss our wounds and make us feel all better, we ALL do what comes naturally... enter the bandaid.
Now don't get me wrong, they are great. Come in many different forms. They could be a drink or 12 lol, hanging out with friends all hours of the day, a brand new person to help get over the old one, and unfortunently sometimes it can be hurting the person that hurt you with mean words or actions. Mostly, the band aid helps ease the pain and helps you forget the pain while you heal. Here is our problem...
Bandaids are supposed to come off. Wether you chose the good bandaids, or the bad ones, they are not permenant. sorry i can't spell :) . The drinking should subside, alone time should start to feel good again, you realize you don't need to date everyone that gives you attention and the hurtful words should be followed with a sorry and never said again. You need to cry, you need to talk to people, you need to lay alone in bed and wake up to noone. It will hurt. But the bandaid won't come off easily. Taking bandaids off still sucks. And too often we make them more like a skin grapht. Then we just start stock piling bandaids and stick them over eachother, one by one until our original scar is so covered up, you don't even know if it's any better, if the bandaids did their job.
And it's ok to take them off at your own pace. Maybe fast is your thing. Maybe you would rather get it over with and let the wound get some air, and start healing now. And if you want to take it off slowly, that's ok too, it's your bandaid. But remember, breaking up with someone, no matter how much it sucks and no matter how much you didn't want it, always comes with a free lesson. And if you are so busy covering your hurt up and recovering with yet another band aid, you will never see it. You'll never grow and the next relationship you are in, and yes, you will be in another one, you'll be the same hurt person you were at the end of the last one, or the one before that.
So it's ok to be mad, and hurt and scared, but take some you time, learn, grow, heal and for god's sake, take your band aids off before you put the next one on.

Word of the day - Nougatocity

2008-04-15T22:23:00.000-07:00

Wow...its been a long time since I've sat down and actually wrote anything on here. I think that is because my life has been filled with so much crap going on that I really have had no motivation to do anything. I realized this the other day when I got a Snicker's bar that gave a word to describe something I have felt more than once over this past semester. If you are wondering about the subject of this blog I will tell you that nougatocity is: "A fleeting yet exhilarating sense of accomplishment that makes you realize just how unmotivated you actually are".

We have less than 40 days left and I have so much to do and so much to pay for but all I feel like doing is locking myself in my room and sleeping. That being said I am ready for my 2 year "abstinence" from partying like its 1999 to end. I realized this at Shawny and Dan's wedding where I had so much fun...even if I didn't always have control of my emotions. I haven't had fun like that in a very long time. I will always be grateful to my mom and dad and grandma for bringing me up here and whipping me into shape (as much as they possibly could)....and I love the people I have met up here, it is just not the same. I think its because I haven't let it BE the same for fear that I would lose my momentum and flunk out of the program. I am sorry for that Chico people. I would love to hang out more and go out and party but truth be told I just don't have the constitution to multi task my partying any more...I'm too old for that shit :-) Actually, if the wedding could have been a couple of weeks later it probably would have been better since it has been REALLY hard to get back into the swing of things this week. My mind is a bit obsessive and once it gets on a certain wavelength it is REALLY hard for me to turn it off and move on. I was hoping that this might have faded over the past 2-3 years but I guess not. Just means I have to work harder and remember to take my medicine ;-) In the meantime I just drive myself crazy with my thought process until it finally fades....hopefully for my patients tomorrow it will be soon :-)

So whats the plan after school.....this is the question that I am getting from EVERYONE. People I meet for the first time find out I'm graduating and the first thing they ask is "what next?" I have had so many plans over the past year or two that I really don't know what to say. I always lead off with "I guess that depends on if I actually pass my tests" which depending on the day is a big maybe :-) I guess the most honest thing to say is that I really want to get out of the Chico/Oroville area. Not because it is a bad place to be, but there is not a lot of job opportunity, I don't like how the hospitals are run, and I just have never let it feel like home. I have never gotten the opportunity to travel very far so I think it would be REALLY cool to do a travelling RT where they place you in different parts of the country (or sometimes even internationally) for 6-12 months at a time. I will need some experience for that and I think I would eventually like to get a bachelor's degree before I do that so I am hoping to get on with a hospital in Sacramento or Stockton so that I can be closer to my "old" friends and not so far from my family and "new" friends. I will apply everywhere but I am really hoping to get a job at UC Davis in the neonatal or pediatric areas. Obviously though I will pretty much take anything I am offered. I had originally thought of going down to Southern California immediately to be near my brother and his family but I'm not ready for that at this point, and with the cost of living down there it is more economical to do that as a traveller I think. So after I get a couple years experience who knows, maybe you will see me in SO CAL.

I guess that's really all that is going on right now. Mom is getting a little sad because I'm leaving but I know she will realize how much happier she is with me when she can send me home :-) Besides, now she will have a place to run away to when my dad drives her crazy. On top of all the nerves I am very excited to have the opportunity to live on my own and be an actual grown up. Don't get me wrong, I love being taken care of but it is hard on your self-esteem when you are 30 years old and still living with your mommy and daddy...

Well enough of my rambling...time to get off my ass and actually accomplish something today. I love and miss all of you. If you have a chance drop me a line or a comment. I get lonely when I am procrastinating :-)

~Shanda

You too can be a rockstar

2008-03-22T23:42:00.000-07:00

Be a rock star! Go to...

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4. Use your graphics program of choice to throw them together, and post the result as a comment in this post.

Here is mine:

OUCH!!!!

2007-11-13T13:44:00.000-08:00

Getting what I want

2007-09-15T17:06:00.000-07:00

EX's Survey

2007-08-11T13:13:00.000-07:00

Let's see if you can get through it. If not, you're too scared about your past...
1. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Sure if I didn't have to drive so far to kiss him

2. How many girlfriends/ boyfriends have told you they loved you?

Three

3.Have you ever thought that you were going to marry a person?

Yup

4. Do you hate your last boyfriend/girlfriend?

HAHA...this is a funny question that keeps coming up for me. I will take this opportunity to say that I DON'T hate my ex's no matter what has happened. I love each and every one of my ex's as much as I wish I didn't. I CAN say that I don't much LIKE my ex's...thats a big difference. It has something to do with a feeling of disappointment I think.

5. Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurt?

Of course, who hasn't?

6. Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend mad?

No...I am a perfect angel...HELLO! There obviously had to be some anger if they are all my EX'S

7. Are you happier single or in a relationship?

It's funny...I always thought I was more miserable single but looking back, and especially since my last long term relationship I have always been more miserable IN my relationships than out. Maybe it says something about the kind of relationships I have had.

8. Ever dated anyone with an STD?

I hope not...not that they would tell me now or anything :-P

9. Have you ever had your heart broken?

DUH!

10. Have you broken any hearts?

I doubt it...maybe one

11. Think any of your ex's feels the same as you do?Feels the same as me about what?

About our relationship?
I am sure that deep down if they would care to admit it too themselves we both know what went wrong.

12. Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?

I have my moments

13. Have you dated people who were not good to you?

I think all of the people have been not good to me in one way or another

15. Have you dated someone older than you?

I prefer it

16. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Second chance? Yes...Beyond that? No

17. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Yes...but then I sober up :-P

18. Do you want to get married?

Nope...not even in 15 years

19. Does heart break really feel as bad as it’s said to be?

For me it does

20. Would you believe your ex if she/he said they love you?

I wouldn't believe much that my ex said to me. I learn from my mistakes

21. Would you date your best female/male friend?

Sure if we were both into the same sex thing or in the case of my best male friends if THEY were into girls...some would say that I'm holding out for them :-)

22. Have any of your ex's called you by a nickname after the break up?

Does Bitch count? (and thats the nice word :-))

23. Do you regret any of your relationships?

Nope...life's too short to fill it with regret

24. Are you in a relationship at the moment?

I am in many relationships

repost this as "ex's survey"

Health Care Terror

2007-08-05T23:22:00.000-07:00

Health Care Terror
By PAUL KRUGMAN

These days terrorism is the first refuge of scoundrels. So when British authorities announced that a ring of Muslim doctors working for the National Health Service was behind the recent failed bomb plot, we should have known what was coming.
“National healthcare: Breeding ground for terror?” read the on-screen headline, as the Fox News host Neil Cavuto and the commentator Jerry Bowyer solemnly discussed how universal health care promotes terrorism.
While this was crass even by the standards of Bush-era political discourse, Fox was following in a long tradition. For more than 60 years, the medical-industrial complex and its political allies have used scare tactics to prevent America from following its conscience and making access to health care a right for all its citizens.
I say conscience, because the health care issue is, most of all, about morality.
That’s what we learn from the overwhelming response to Michael Moore’s “Sicko.” Health care reformers should, by all means, address the anxieties of middle-class Americans, their growing and justified fear of finding themselves uninsured or having their insurers deny coverage when they need it most. But reformers shouldn’t focus only on self-interest. They should also appeal to Americans’ sense of decency and humanity.
What outrages people who see “Sicko” is the sheer cruelty and injustice of the American health care system — sick people who can’t pay their hospital bills literally dumped on the sidewalk, a child who dies because an emergency room that isn’t a participant in her mother’s health plan won’t treat her, hard-working Americans driven into humiliating poverty by medical bills.
“Sicko” is a powerful call to action — but don’t count the defenders of the status quo out. History shows that they’re very good at fending off reform by finding new ways to scare us.
These scare tactics have often included over-the-top claims about the dangers of government insurance. “Sicko” plays part of a recording Ronald Reagan once made for the American Medical Association, warning that a proposed program of health insurance for the elderly — the program now known as Medicare — would lead to totalitarianism.
Right now, by the way, Medicare — which did enormous good, without leading to a dictatorship — is being undermined by privatization.
Mainly, though, the big-money interests with a stake in the present system want you to believe that universal health care would lead to a crushing tax burden and lousy medical care.
Now, every wealthy country except the United States already has some form of universal care. Citizens of these countries pay extra taxes as a result — but they make up for that through savings on insurance premiums and out-of-pocket medical costs. The overall cost of health care in countries with universal coverage is much lower than it is here.
Meanwhile, every available indicator says that in terms of quality, access to needed care and health outcomes, the U.S. health care system does worse, not better, than other advanced countries — even Britain, which spends only about 40 percent as much per person as we do.
Yes, Canadians wait longer than insured Americans for elective surgery. But over all, the average Canadian’s access to health care is as good as that of the average insured American — and much better than that of uninsured Americans, many of whom never receive needed care at all.
And the French manage to provide arguably the best health care in the world, without significant waiting lists of any kind. There’s a scene in “Sicko” in which expatriate Americans in Paris praise the French system. According to the hard data they’re not romanticizing. It really is that good.
All of which raises the question Mr. Moore asks at the beginning of “Sicko”: who are we?
“We have always known that heedless self-interest was bad morals; we know now that it is bad economics.” So declared F.D.R. in 1937, in words that apply perfectly to health care today. This isn’t one of those cases where we face painful tradeoffs — here, doing the right thing is also cost-efficient. Universal health care would save thousands of American lives each year, while actually saving money.
So this is a test. The only things standing in the way of universal health care are the fear-mongering and influence-buying of interest groups. If we can’t overcome those forces here, there’s not much hope for America’s future.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Being one of the people who is doing the bidding of those getting richer while America gets sicker I feel the need to post the attached article. While it is hard to justify the piddly paycheck I am selling my moral belief I justify it with the belief that the people I speak with everday are just a little bit better off for speaking with me...regardless of the fact that the insurance policy they have has a $3000 deductible of which their employer only contributes $800. I completely understand that it is not necessarily the employers we work for who are at fault for offering these health plans. Shocker of shockers I don't actually feel that it is that actual insurance company's fault either. I mean, sure we are all paying millions of dollars into the system but the cost of health care (especially what is considered the "traditional" health plan) is out of control. I actually feel that some of the new options like the health savings account or flexible spending account are actually great tools we can use to navigate the corporate greed fest that we call the American health care system, however, these have the same sort of effect that a little band-aid would have on a gaping gun shot wound to the chest. WE NEED A CHANGE! We need to stand up for ourselves and our neighbors and say NO MORE to the CEO's and "corporate" doctors that are getting rich off of our misfortune. It is ridiculous that I speak with 10 people a day at least who are running around in circles to make sure that they are going to an "IN NETWORK" doctor. It is ridculous that I have to speak with people who are going through devastating illnesses who are worried about losing their houses or having to declare bankruptcy. I see bills on a daily basis for hundreds of thousands of dollars. It's like we are playing with monopoly money people, and it has GOT TO STOP! I wrote a paper once for a government class that was taught by a gentleman who immigrated from the former soviet union. His comment was "it sounds nice on paper but take it from me it doesn't work that way." My response was, NOTHING in the former soviet union worked right. It wasn't even true communism...it was communism corrupted by CAPITALISM! Don't get me wrong, I love all my material things and capitalism is not all bad (truth be told the insurance company isn't the problem either). Just because government based healthcare failed before doesn't mean that it CAN'T work. It's not rocket science people. Ok now I am stepping down off my soap box....

NOW lets talk about alcohol

2007-08-05T22:26:00.000-07:00

What alcohol are you??

GREY GOOSE
Goose gets you Loose. Casual partying. You dont party that often but when you do. Goose gets you loose. Drink up!

How do you compare?
Take this test! Tests from Testriffic

Tattoos...and no I don't mean the alcohol

2007-08-05T22:12:00.000-07:00

If you have at least one tattoo, do the survey, if you don't then pass it on!

1. Have you ever cried during a tattoo? Not because of the pain....it was a very emotional experience my one tattoo...I cried because of the symbolism behind it.

2. When did you get your first tattoo? 2006

3. What was your first tattoo? My ladybug angel

4. Which tattoo is closest to your heart? My ladybug angel

5. Do you have a matching tattoo with someone? Nope...custom made

6. Do you have a tattoo that someone messed up on? Nope...mine turned out better than I could have imagined

7. Do you have anyone's name tattooed on you? NO! NEVER

8. What was the most painful tattoo you received? Geez...this is a hard one...considering I have a total of ONE tattoo...

9. How many tattoos do you have? One..can't you read? :-P

10. Do you plan on being heavily or moderately tattooed? isn't there another choice...I will go with mildly :-P.

11. Do you have a tattoo that you constantly have to explain? Well if you count a three year old screaming "OH MI GOD YOU HAVE A BUG ON YOUR BACK!"

12. Have you ever gotten an infection from a tattoo? No my tat girlz helped make sure I used the right stuff to prevent infection.

13. What is the longest session you've ever sat straight? a whopping 25 minutes...I almost didn't make it ;-P

14. What is the biggest tattoo that you have and how long did it take? Ok...how many times do I have to tell you I only have one?!?!

15. Did you tell your parents? Yeah they know...my mom got one first...my dad's a wimp and will never get one even though all the rest of us have at least one.

16. Do you regret having gotten any of your tattoos? NOPE! I think a tattoo that tells a story can never be regretted.

17. Would you consider ever getting any of your tattoos removed? NO! What would be the point of that!??!

18. What are you going to get for your next tattoo? I don't know that I will get another one...but if I do it would have to have a special meaning.

19. Do you think members of the opposite sex with a lot of tattoo are hot? Depends...I think it takes a special person to make tattoos look good

20. Are you unfortunate enough to have an arm band tatoo? No...I don't need anything accentuating my arm fat thank you.

21. How many people have tattooed you? ONE! it would be kind of weird to have more than one person since I have one tiny tattoo

22. Do any of your tattoos have color? All of them ;-P

The voices in my head

2007-06-20T22:36:00.000-07:00

"Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas

Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain

"Picture To Burn" by Taylor Swift

State the obvious, I didn't get my perfect fantasy
I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me
So go and tell your friends that I'm obsessive and crazy
That's fine; I'll tell mine you're gay
And by the way...

[Chorus:]

I hate that stupid old pickup truck
You never let me drive
You're a redneck heartbreak
Who's really bad at lying
So watch me strike a match
On all my wasted time
As far as I'm concerned you're
Just another picture to burn

There's no time for tears,
I'm just sitting here planning my revenge
There's nothing stopping me
From going out with all of your best friends
And if you come around saying sorry to me
My daddy's gonna show you how sorry you'll be

[Repeat Chorus]

If you're missing me,
You'd better keep it to yourself
Cause coming back around here
Would be bad for your health...

[Repeat Chorus]

Burn, burn, burn, baby, burn
You're just another picture to burn
Baby, burn...

Anyone up for some Tea?

2007-05-05T00:42:00.000-07:00

OOLONG TEA..

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of Oolong tea.You will never look at a cup of Oolong the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil.

In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the
third she placed Oolong tea. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.

Then she ladled the Oolong out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."

"Carrots, eggs, and Oolong tea," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the Oolong. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The Oolong tea was unique, however. After they were in the boiling water , they had changed the water color and taste.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a Oolong
tea?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?

Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the Oolong tea? The tea actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot,it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the tea, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity?

Are you a carrot, an egg or a Oolong tea?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.

Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

May we all be OOLONG TEA !!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For those of you who are like me and didn't know what Oolong Tea is I will include a definition so that you know it wasn't made up

Oolong is a semi-fermented tea which is known for its rich taste and pleasant lasting aftertaste. Oolongs are further classified as Dark or Green with Dark Oolongs baked longer than Green Oolongs. Green Oolongs (which are not related to Green teas in any way) tend to have a stronger fragrance while Dark Oolongs tend to have a stronger aftertaste.

Where be you?

2007-04-25T22:16:00.000-07:00

No I have not been abducted by aliens....I'm alive, well, and crazier than ever. Can you tell me how to get home from sesame street?

Grandma loved the snow

2007-02-27T18:47:00.000-08:00

IT'S SNOWING!! I ACTUALLY GOT SNOWED ON TODAY! I can't believe I live in a place where it snows. I have always wanted to. I'm attaching a picture so that you can see what a "blizzard" we had. Keep in mind 10 minutes up the road they are requiring chains :-)

Not Ready to Make Nice

2007-02-19T15:18:00.000-08:00

Seems that a lot of people are thinking about the topic of forgiving and forgetting these days. As I recently posted in a comment to a friend time may heal everything but sometimes there just isn't enough time in a lifetime. The only thing we can do at that point to release some of the pain is to let go of the people involved. It is a rare situation that things can get back to how they were....and I can't say that this is always a bad thing. If we are honest with ourselves in looking back at the "good old days" of our lives we would find that the situations we want back didn't necessarily benefit our lives in the first place. If they did it I think it would be a hell of a lot easier to forget the bad stuff. Human beings as a species are scared of change...this is why so many people stay in bad situations long past the time they should have turned and run the opposite direction without looking back...myself included.

The last few weeks I have rediscovered my anger. I have been feeling it bubble just under the surface...and like the Dixie Chicks, I'm not sure I can ever forgive and forget...and I don't know that I would if I could.

The Dixie Chicks actually hit the nail on the head with their new song. The great thing about the song is that even though we all know what the inspiration is the words can actually apply to all of our lives, regardless of how we feel about the people saying them. Don't believe me? Read the lyrics below without thinking of the Dixie Chicks singing them and tell me you have never felt that way before.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

Change...is it really inevitable?

2007-02-02T21:19:00.000-08:00

Life flies by us in a blur...one day we are playing in our grandparents front yard with our cousins, the next you are doing term papers and surfing the net, then you are getting married or having children or just simply trying to figure out where all the time has gone and what exactly it is you want to do with yourself now that you are "all grown up". During all this people wander through our lives like museum patrons viewing the "art work" that we are creating at that specific moment in time. While it feels like we will have these people around forever the truth is quite the opposite. For me the last 10 years or so feels like just yesterday. I seem to be in the same place I was, yet I look around me and my surroundings and the people surrounding me have changed. Its quite surreal most of the time.

Well I have to get back to my perpetual homework. Hopefully soon I will be inspired to write and share what has been going on in my life. Its been a crazy first month of 2007. I'm still trying to catch my breath both literally & figuratively speaking :-)

Till then, TTFN.....I love you all!

~Shanda

You've Changed 56% in 10 Years

You've done a good job changing with the times, but deep down, you're still the same person.

You're clothes, job, and friends may have changed some - but it hasn't changed you.

How Much Have You Changed in 10 Years?

So long and thanx for all the fish!

2006-12-31T23:22:00.000-08:00

Well it is almost the last day of the year and I have been inspired to do one last post of the year. Its been hit or miss for me blogwise this year but I am happy to squeeze one more in under the wire :-)

Year in review:

2006 has had a lot of ups and downs. I am not really sure what to say about it so I think I'm going to do this is a sort of stream of conciousness style so bear with me....

Lost some friends…on the other hand I also lost some people who were just pretending to be friends.

Lost my grandma, lost my first cat, lost my soul mate Ree Ree all in the same month. That was a really bad month. I am still recovering from that one.

Found some old friends and made them new, found some new friends and began to make them old, found out which friends were really true…kept them close to my heart even if I couldn’t have them in my life like before.

This year I began to go after what I wanted…then I got scared and reverted back to old patterns. In the midst of all this I began to realize that no matter how much I tried to screw my life up, this year it wasn’t working. It makes me think that I had some special energy in the universe looking out for me. Maybe that goes back to the second line of this rambling overview…maybe, just maybe, those we love are never lost they just cease to be seen. Hmm…that’s a good one to ponder for 2007.

This year I began to be honest with myself about what I want for my life and myself. I got accepted into the Respiratory Therapy program and finished the first semester. It was easier than I imagined in some ways…and harder than I thought in other ways. One semester down, three to go. Most importantly I will finally have a degree before I pass thirty!

For a good part of the year I battled loneliness in a new place with a new job and an uncertain future. I am winning…for now…but I think….no I KNOW…that this is a battle I will fight right into 2007 and beyond.

The holiday season this year was kind of sad; completely foreign. Without Grandma it was as if we were floating without an anchor. Thanksgiving my mom dad and I took the 8 hour jaunt on down to L.A. to spend time with my brother. It was so much fun but we didn’t have nearly enough time. We went back to the happiest place on earth for the first time since New Years 2005. I became a pirate princess and found out what its like to have a good time when your not worried about trying to make sure someone who didn’t even want to be there has a good time. I think Buzz Lightyear said it best…TO INFINITY, AND BEYOND!!!!!!!!! That’s my new motto for the rest of my life. Some things I learned there:

1. Don’t put 5 big people in one boat on splash mountain and think you might just get “wet”. You are going to get soaked so for Buddha’s sake don’t take your digital camera and cell phone with you!
2. ALWAYS take someone who needs a wheelchair with you when your going. If no one needs a wheelchair invest the 35 dollars in getting one anyway….it will make your day go a hell of a lot faster!
3. California Adventure closes at 10…so make sure you get there before it closes
4. Always stay at the Sheraton…they have nice rooms for a decent price.
5. The busses come every 30 minutes…be prepared to wait a full 30 minutes when you are ready to go because without fail you will miss every bus you try to catch by 1-2 minutes.

We should have went back for Christmas because there was no way we could create a “normal” Christmas without grandma and were doomed to disappointment with how different the day was. That and I had 5 days off instead of 2….it didn’t even feel like the holidays this year. I spent the 5 days in a haze and went back to work feeling like I didn’t have any time off.

This was also the year of the baby…thankfully not my baby! Babies all around and for the first time in many years that does not depress me. The most special baby is my best friend’s dream come true…A lil’ one that will bless us with its presence in ’07 and whom I will love like my own because I’m pretty sure I have decided that I am never going to have my own.

The coming years bring uncertainty but with this uncertainty comes the possibility for true happiness. This is a possibility that I can’t pass up. Sure I may not find true happiness but if I don’t look then I don’t even have the possibility. I just have to get past my greatest enemy...myself!

Something to be

2006-12-17T01:56:00.000-08:00

"I feel happy...and you know how big that is for me" is my quote of the day. This evening (well yesterday evening now) I finally realized how far I have actually come in the past year and a half. Its been tough at times, and there were many instances in which I felt like giving up...but I didn't. I am in such a better place not just physically, but mentally and spiritually. Moments like tonight are what keep me going. There is no need to go into the details. Very few people would understand anyway. I just want to document the first night in a long time I have felt like a person that I am proud to be. I am posting the song that I think represents what the last 4 years have been for me. I hope it helps you understand why I am so excited about getting to what I have achieved. As always, Rob says it better than I ever could :-)

Something to be
by Rob Thomas

Hey man
I don't wanna hear about love no more
I don't wanna talk about how I feel
I don't really wanna be me no more

Dress down now I look a little too
Boy next door
Maybe I should try to find a downtown whore
That'll make me look hardcore
I need you to tell me what to stand for

I've been looking for something
Something I've never seen
We're all looking for something
Something to be

Hey man
Play another one of those heartbreak songs
Tell another story how things go wrong
And they never get back
My pain is a platinum stack
Take that shit back
You don't wanna be me when it all goes wrong
You don't wanna see me with the houselights on
I'm a little too headstrong
Stand tall
I don't wanna get walked on

I've been looking for something
Something I've never seen
We're all looking for something
Something to be

I can't stand what I'm starting to be
I can't stand the people that I'm starting to need
There's so much now
That can go wrong
And I don't need somebody
Trying to help it along
It's the same old song
Everybody says you've been away too long
Everybody wanna tell you what went wrong
Wanna make you like an icon
Till you believe it to be

I've been looking for something
Something I've never seen
We're all looking for something
Something to be

The final product

2006-12-11T17:04:00.000-08:00

Just thought since I posted what I was considering for my tat I should let everyone see the finished product (and the outline too...why not). Hope y'all like it. I think it turned out awesome (I'd better since its not going anywhere)!

EERIE

2006-12-02T23:19:00.000-08:00

A friend sent me a kinda cool personality quiz. I don't know how it does it but it was frighteningly accurate:

Wanna try?

_______________________________________________________

You are longing for some love and affection at this time - not that you have been deprived of tender loving care - but there are times when everyone needs to try something new or to go 'somewhere' else to perhaps experience that little extra 'understanding'.

You are trying to improve your position and prestige - be it in your life or in your workplace. Things are, at this time, OK - but they could be better. You feel that it is essential that you break down any opposition that could possibly lurk in the shadows. You know that you are quite capable of achieving this set goal because you have to and because it is essential to your self esteem.

You are prepared to establish a particular relationship that is being made available to you at this time. It could be a satisfactory liaison but there could be a certain amount of conflict involved -try to avoid direct confrontation at all costs.

You are feeling trapped by the situation as it stands at this time and what is more, you feel powerless to remedy it. You are stressful, angry and disgruntled. You feel that everything that you try to do to change the situation is thwarted and your hopes and aspirations all seem to be receding into the ever distant future. You have reached the state where you now doubt whether your dreams will ever be achieved and this is not only causing mental stress but heartache. You need to get away from it all - you need to have time to think, to recuperate, to be able to make your own decisions.

You don't like conflict and you endeavour to avoid criticism. You want to do your own thing and to be able to decide what is right for you. You have considerable personable charm - and this is used with considerable effect on those that keep your company.

I need your help

2006-12-02T12:42:00.000-08:00

I'm going to get a tattoo next weekend. I am getting it in honor of my grandmother who as you may know passed away almost 9 months ago. She always called me her ladybug (I was the first!) and she loved angels so I am going to get a tattoo of a ladybug with angel wings. Trouble is I can't find any pictures I like so I am looking for the ladybug and the angel wings seperately at the moment and I'll have the tattoo guy try to combine them. These are the wings I've found so far. BTW: if you can draw and want to try to make a design for me PLEASE DO! :-) Let me know what you think.

And here are the ladybugs I'm looking at:

A quickie

2006-11-30T22:27:00.000-08:00

A romantic slave to BDSM???? ...hmmm....maybe I'll have to explore that side of me :-)

You scored as A Slave To BDSM. Admit it, you like being tied up and being told you've been very naughty. You like teasing your partner and making them squirm, and not letting them be able to do anything about it. Some people think what you do is sick and disgusting, but you know it's all in good fun.

A Slave To BDSM

68%

A Romantic

63%

Sex God

60%

Virgin

53%

How are you in bed
created with QuizFarm.com

My favorite question on the quiz was the following....all I have to say is ummmm....HELLLLL NO! Been there done that burned...well everything :-)

24 I would rather sleep with a walrus than never have sex again.

SERIOUSLY! I can't make this kinda stuff up....

Happy Halloween

2006-10-26T11:33:00.000-07:00

Thanks LIZ!

The importance of taking the time to look inside yourself

2006-10-20T19:06:00.000-07:00

It's been forever since I've posted anything of any real substance on the blog so I figured I would just post a quick update.

Been having a lot of medical "issues" lately so I've spent a fair amount of time going back and forth to the doctor in between trying to keep up with work and school. I've been so exhausted I barely have time to eat or sleep but I do my best as the doctor says it will help. Its been easier to sleep since I got my cpap machine...I'm not winning any contests in the sexy sleepwear department but I guess thats the last thing I need now considering my living situation :-)

I had my first ultrasound today...it went well....everything seems to be where it should be. Now I can focus on remembering everything for my midterm on Monday. I'm doing well in school but then again, I've been studying for about 10 years so I think I should have some of the basics down by now...which is all we are really learning at this point. There is just so much to remember. It is weird...with how long I've been in school it is usually at this point in the semester that I think "eh I don't really need to go to class" and end up going only once a week or so....I haven't begun to feel that way which tells me I think I've finally found the right path. Took me long enough :-) Now when we start our clinicals next semester I'll probably be freaking out....I'll keep you posted :-)

Well, I gotta get going. Hope all is well with everyone. I'll be in Stock-Town next weekend if you want to hang out. I'm going to the opening night game of the Stockton Thunder with some friends. Woo hoo....gotta love them hockey playa's. Maybe I'll lose the breathing machine for one night and bring one of them home with me ;-)

Now thats what I call cute!

2006-09-04T00:35:00.000-07:00

My cousin's baby (also my cousin?!! I dunno) is so adorable. We got this pic this morning. All I can say is that THIS is a smile I could wake up to every day :-)

My theme song!

2006-09-03T23:30:00.001-07:00

"Down In Mississippi (Up To No Good)"
By: Sugarland

Friday, payday, Lordy got to get away
Had it with the wife thing, living on a shoe string
What's a poor girl got to do just to have some fun?
All these years without any help
Guess what, honey, clothes just don't wash themselves!
Neither do dishes, neither does the bathroom floor

So, now if anyone asks, not that they would
I'll be down in Mississippi and up to no good

No more, what a bore, had enough, I'm out the door
Headed for a breakdown, had it with the small town
Gonna call Lisa, gonna call Carla Sue
Now we're gonna let it roll, gonna let it rip
Gonna get us a nice room down on the strip
Not that we'll need it, there won't be any sleepin' tonight

So, now if anyone asks, not that they would
We'll be down in Mississippi and up to no good

Hammer down, here we go
Runnin' for the riverboat
All you're gonna see is asses and elbows
Luck's about to change for these three queens
Tired of getting' jokers, deal us up kings

Snake eyes, roll the dice, double down and hit me twice
Cashin' in the big chips, gonna leave a big tip
Hotter than a two dollar pistol, baby, I'm on fire

So, now if anyone asks, not that they would
I'll be down in Mississippi and up to no good
If anyone asks, not that they would
I'll be down in Mississippi and up to no good

I'm worth 275....50

2006-08-31T17:08:00.000-07:00

~~~ok...so how many are gonna be honest and add the 50 cents?

HOW MUCH ARE U WORTH?

Okay so heres, the deal, you look it over and see how many of these things you have done, BUT you have to add up the money amount along the way, then post the amount that you are as the title of the bulletin such as "$15" or "I'm worth "$78" or something like that.

Smoked pot: $10

Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before: $20

Went skinny Dipping: $5

Had sex in a pool: $20

Kissed someone of the same sex: $10

Had sex with someone of the same sex: $20

Cheated on your g/f or b/f: $10

Cheated on your g/f or b/f with their relative of close friend: $20

Done oral: $5

Got oral: $5

Done/got oral in a car while it was moving: $25

Prank called the cops: $5

Stole something: $10

Stole something worth over more than a hundred: $20

Had sex with someone 10 years older: $20

Has sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27: $25

Cried yourself to sleep: $5

Cried during sex: $20

Been in love: $25

Been in love with two people or more at the same time: $50

Said you love someone but didn't mean it: $25

Went streaking: $5

Went streaking in broad daylight: $15

Been arrested: $5

Spent time in jail: $15

Peed in the pool: $0.50

Played spin the bottle: $5

Done something you regret: $20

Had a crush on your bestfriend: $5

Had sex with your best friend: $20

Had a crush on someone at work: $5

Had sex with someone you work with at work: $25

Lied to your mate: $5

Lied to your mate about the sex being good: $25

DON'T FORGET TO REPOST WITH YOUR DOLLAR AMOUNT

No tag backs :-)

2006-08-29T13:27:00.001-07:00

I had been meaning to steal Jenna's "weird things about me" blog but it looks like I don't have to because she went and tagged me :-) And yes, I am still procrastinating on posting a "real" blog so THHPPPPT! :-P

1. The older I get the more claustrophobic I get but sometimes I still enjoy stuffing myself into small places (behind the couch used to be my favorite) to get away from the world and read a book.

2. I have broken my foot walking....twice...not the same foot mind you, but the same bone in both feet. It's like a party trick I pull out right before I'm gonna move. If your on crutches they don't expect you to work as hard and you can get more sympathy help :-)

3. I freak out when I lay on my back for fear that I am going to stop breathing.

4. I am afraid of ending up alone, but I really hate being in groups of people most of the time :-)

5. I missed the question on my first driving permit test that says what should you do when you know you are going to hit someone or something....my answer was "protect your face with your hands and prepare for impact"....but I still passed :-) (be afraid...be very afraid!)

6. I have burnt water before. Ok the water technically wasn't burnt but the pan was and all the water was black....yeah I'm a fabulous cook :-)

Ok...since I don't get any comments anymore I will tag people by how they come up in my stats viewer...I could guess who these people are but I'll wait until I see if they post this on their blog :-)

a.Domain Name surewest.net ? (Network)
IP Address 65.78.136.# (SureWest Broadband)
ISP SureWest Broadband
Location Continent : North America
Country : United States (Facts)
State : California
City : Sacramento

b.Domain Name (Unknown)
IP Address 198.240.130.# (Credit Suisse Group / CANA)
ISP Credit Suisse Group / CANA
Location Continent : Europe
Country : Switzerland (Facts)
State/Region : Zurich
City : Zrich

c.Domain Name Level3.net ? (Network)
IP Address 4.246.105.# (Level 3 Communications)
ISP Level 3 Communications
Location Continent : North America
Country : United States (Facts)
State : California
City : San Jose

d.Domain Name comcast.net ? (Network)
IP Address 68.81.195.# (Comcast Cable)
ISP Comcast Cable
Location Continent : North America
Country : United States (Facts)
State : Pennsylvania
City : Philadelphia

e.Domain Name (Unknown)
IP Address 209.142.12.# (InReach Internet)
ISP InReach Internet
Location Continent : North America
Country : United States (Facts)
State : California
City : Stockton

f.Domain Name comcast.net ? (Network)
IP Address 67.181.122.# (Comcast Cable)
ISP Comcast Cable
Location Continent : North America
Country : United States (Facts)
State : California
City : Stockton

g. Domain Name comcast.net ? (Network)
IP Address 67.181.104.# (Comcast Cable)
ISP Comcast Cable
Location Continent : North America
Country : United States (Facts)
State : California
City : Stockton

Well, DUH!

2006-08-22T11:51:00.000-07:00

You Are Most Like Charlotte!

You are the ultimate romantic idealist
You've been hurt before, but that hasn't caused you to give up on love.
If anything, your resolve to fall in love is stronger than ever.
And it's this feminine optimism that men find most appealing about you.

Romantic prediction: That guy you are seeing (or crushing on)?

Could be very serious - if you play your cards right!

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

Now that's what I call safe sex!

2006-08-22T00:28:00.000-07:00

If this doesn't send the message nothing will! I wonder if this dress comes in plus size ;-)

Who are you trying to convince...me or you?

2006-08-22T00:05:00.000-07:00

Ignorance and arrogance piss me off. Needless to say, I'm irritated....In the spirit of all the "me" work that I have been doing I am thinking about the good things going on in my life (they are plentiful!) and taking deep breaths. Below is the mantra I keep repeating to myself (thanks Bobi & Christie)...I think it is beginning to work. I'll let keep you updated

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

~anonymous~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More to come soon, I promise. I'll let you know about my recent "vacation", my first day of school (I am going to have a degree!! AHHH), and anything else I can "dig" up

Boys Are Dumb.....You Know Who You Are

2006-08-20T12:21:00.000-07:00

From:

Suddenly Single

Does she want to date you?
By Alan Goldsher

Guys can be kinda dumb.

I’m not talking kinda dumb in a low-IQ kind of way—remember Ken “Mr. Jeopardy” Jennings? Last time we checked, he was a guy—and clearly not unintelligent. But in terms of figuring out how to comprehend a woman’s feelings about us when we’re trying to make the leap from “friends” to “friends who kiss,” forget about it. This is especially true for guys who’ve been burned in the past (and who hasn’t been?) who are wary about rejection. Maybe we’re not totally illiterate, but we often have a difficult time reading signals. So here, a few signs she’s interested—consider them your green light to get closer.

The “let’s laugh” signal
Distinctly not-dumb guy David Wygant, author of Always Talk To Strangers, is an excellent signal-reader. “If she makes you feel like a stand-up comedian, even though you’re not that funny, she wants to take it to the next level,” says Wygant. Similarly, Rosemarie of White Plains, New York, shares, “If I’m interested in a guy, I kind of tease him—I try to get a funny, bantering chat going. It shows that I’m interested in playing a bit of a cat-and-mouse game, you know? I’ll say something like, ‘I think you’re just making that up,’ or ‘Honestly now, has that line worked?’ but I say it with a big smile and eye contact so he knows I’m just joking.”

The tell-tale time sign
If you are friends with a woman and sometimes wonder if there might be more there, take heed of when she wants to hang out with you. If she wants to meet you for a quick workday lunch, chances are she doesn’t fancy you in the way you might hope. But if she asks you to meet her for a drink in the evening or to see a movie with her on a Saturday at 8 P.M., she may be casting you in more of a boyfriend role. Says Shelly of San Diego: “I work with a lot of guys and admit to getting crushes on coworkers from time to time. I’ll chat them up about new movies I want to see, and if one I’m interested in asks me out, I do what I can to make it at night on a weekend. That makes it so easy to grab a drink or food afterward and get to know each other on a more personal level.”

The body language clues
OK, so the odds of a woman reaching out to hold your hand while you’re flirting with her are slim to none. So how does she use her body to show you she’s interested? Jess from New York believes a woman’s gestures will send you the message. “Her body language will give her away—if a woman leans in toward a guy while he’s talking, mimics his body language, and maybe sneaks in a subtle touch here or there, these are pretty good signs that she’s into him. Obviously, he should get her phone number and actually call.”

And how does a guy know if a woman isn’t interested? “If she is looking around the room while he’s talking to her and crossing her arms across her chest,” says Jess, “she’s probably not that interested. Also, if she tells the guy that he would be perfect for her sister or she suddenly brings up the fact that she’s been talking to her ex-boyfriend, there’s probably not a spark there.” The guy should just move on to a woman who is worth his time or possibly take the uninterested woman up on her sister offer.

The look of “I like you”
A guy should also know what kind of eye contact is waving him in. Direct eye contact that lasts more than a couple of seconds is a sign of interest, say the experts. And if a woman looks from your eyes to your mouth, well, things are in very, very good shape. “I don’t know if it’s conscious or not, but when I like a guy, I find my gaze wanders from his eyes to his mouth,” says Moira of St. Louis. “It’s definitely a seduction move; it lets him know that I’m thinking about what it would be like to kiss him.” Gentleman, if you’re getting that signal, this is another time you want to go ahead and get that phone number.

Taking the next step
Once we men realize she “likes us, likes us,” our minds are oftentimes so blown that we have no idea how to proceed. Fortunately, Wygant does: “Once she gives you the hints, you need to close the deal. Ask her to talk to you away from her friends or call her up on the phone and say, ‘You know what? I want to take you out for a nice dinner—just the two of us.’”

What if the object of your affection is a woman you’ve known as a pal for a while? Over dinner, you have the talk, advises Wygant. “You say, ‘I’d really like to become more than friends. I’d like to start dating you. What do you think of that?’ At this point, she’s given you every single sign that this is the conversation she’s been dreaming about, and of course the answer is going to be yes.”

So it all really boils down to a two-pronged plan: Pay attention and take a chance. If you focus your energy on the woman in question rather than on yourself or your surroundings (which is what you should be doing anyway), you’ll pick up more than you ever thought you could have. And if you disregard the very obvious signs — the laughing, the touching, the eye contact — and you don’t go for it, well then, then you are kinda dumb.

Alan Goldsher’s book, Modest Mouse: A Pretty Good Read, will be published by Thomas Dunne Books in August 2006. Visit his website at http://www.AlanGoldsher.com, or write him at askalan@cs.com.

Happy Birthday Cat Whisper (AKA Dad)

2006-07-23T23:14:00.000-07:00

Well this weekend was my Dad's 60th birthday....we celebrated this milestone in the scorching 110 degree heat by hooking up the misters and throwin' a shindig. We let the old man take a seat under the misters and drink too much while about 20 people wandered around trying their best to stay cool.

My brother, his girlfriend, and my nephew all joined us which was a great birthday present for Dad....and for mom and I too even though its not our birthday :-P

Much alcohol was consumed yet not really any "Jerry Springer" moments to share....guess we are growing calmer in our old age. Anyhoo...it was a great weekend.

Oh and for those of you who want to know what I got Dad for his birthday...apparently that would be a cat. Miss Bella has fallen victim to the "cat whisperer" and is acting like she doesn't even know who I am....damnit...I can't bring a cat into this house without him taking her :-) Oh well, guess I don't have to clean the litterbox at least :-)

Bella Sera

2006-07-19T22:40:00.000-07:00

About 3 months ago I lost my beloved best friend Ree Ree....she got really sick after grandma died and started acting funny. One day she just never came home. I've been missing my kitty lovin' so I got a new friend. Here she is....her name is Bella :-)

Frickin GREAT!

2006-07-11T21:01:00.000-07:00

You Are a Losing Lottery Ticket!

Full of hope and promise.

But in the end, a cheap letdown.

What Crappy Christmas Gift Are You?

So what?

2006-07-11T21:00:00.000-07:00

Your French Name is:

Amélie Bardeau

What's Your French Name?

The window to the soul

2006-07-04T18:59:00.000-07:00

Take the quiz:
What kind of eyes do you have? (with pictures)

Brown
You have brown eyes. Brown is the color of the earth. Your eyes symbolize your comforting and fostering nature. You are stable, grounding, sophisticated, considerate, conventional and orderly. People may consider you to be cozy or warm. People feel safe when they are with you. Some words to describe you: reliability, elegance, security, healing, homely, grounding, foundation, and earthly.

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

Lets focus on me :-)

2006-06-29T22:11:00.000-07:00

1. What time did you get up this morning? 8:30AM

2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? The Lakehouse

4. What's your favorite TV Show? HOUSE, American Idol, CSI

5. What did you have for breakfast this morning? Strawberry Muffin

6. What's your favorite cuisine? Mexican

7. What foods do you dislike? Beets

8. What is your favorite chip flavor? Nacho Cheese

9. What's your favorite CD at the moment? Nickleback

10. What kind of car do you drive? 2002 KIA Sportage

11. Favorite sandwich? Turkey & Avocado

12. What characteristics do you despise? Two faced, hypocrital, arrogant, self absorbed

13. Favorite item of clothing? PJ's

14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? New Zealand

15. What color is your bathroom? rose colored

16. Any pets? Not anymore :-(

17. Where would you like to retire to? Mediterranean

18. Favorite time of the day? Middle of the night when I am the only one awake :-)

19. What was your most memorable birthday? My 22nd

20. Where were you born? Los Gatos CA

21. Favorite sport to watch? Hockey

22. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? Whoever has the most exciting life

23. Who will be the first to send this back to you?

Whoever is the most bored

24. What fabric detergent do you use? Snuggle

25. Were you named after anyone? Yes...and no it was Shanda Leer

26. Do you wish on stars? All the time

27. When did you last cry? a month ago

28. Do you like your handwriting? Sometimes

29. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Yeah I think I'm pretty cool..

30. Are you a daredevil? Sometimes....

31. Do looks matter? Of course...humans are visual creatures...but a person's perception of attractive is very individual in the sense that you can never tell WHICH way your look is going to matter :-)

32. How do you release anger? scream & cry

33. Where is your second home? My car

34. What were your favorite toys as a child? Cabbage Patch Dolls and My Little Ponies

35. What class in High School was totally useless?

Trigonometry

36. Do you use sarcasm a lot? noooooo *did you catch the sarcasm there?*

37. Favorite movies? Comedies (all kinds) and thrillers

38. What are your nicknames? Panda, Shawanda, Shan'Chelle, Ladybug

39. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? um....not usually....I'm lazy :-)

40. Do you think that you are strong? physically or emotionally? Physically -no, mentally-yes

41. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Rocky Road

42. What are your favorite colors? Purple/Blue

43. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My body image

44. Who do you miss the most? My cat

45. Do you want everyone you sent this to send it back? If you haven't already

46. What color pants are you wearing? light blue

47. What are you listening to right now? Television (Days of our Lives)

48. Last thing you ate? Salad w/chicken on top

49. If you were a CRAYON what color would you be? Purplish blue

50. Last person you talked to on the phone? My cousin

51. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Smile

52. Favorite Drink? diet cherry coke (na) long island ice tea (a)

53. Favorite Day(s) of the Year? Any day I don't have to work :-)

54. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? Happy endings

54. Summer or winter? Winter

56. Hugs or Kisses? BOTH...simutaneously :-)

57. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? chocolate anything

58. What Book(s) Are You Reading?

59. What is on your mouse pad? what mousepad?

60. What did you watch last night on TV? Who wants to be a soapstar

61. Favorite Smells? Rain

62. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles

63. What's the furthest you've been from home? Seattle

Joke of the Day

2006-06-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

>All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
>trying to decide who was the one in charge.
>
>
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the brain ,
>"Because I run all the body's systems,
>so without me nothing would happen."
>
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
>"Because I circulate oxygen all over
>so without me you'd all waste away."
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the stomach,"
>Because I process food and give
>all of you energy."
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the legs ,
>"because I carry the body wherever
>it needs to go."
>
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
>"Because I allow the body to see
>where it goes."
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the rectum ,
>"Because I'm responsible for
>waste removal."
>
>
>
>
>All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
>And insulted him, so in a huff,
>he shut down tight.
>
>
>
>Within a few days,
>the brain had a terrible headache,
>the stomach was bloated,
>the legs got wobbly,
>the eyes got watery,
>and the blood Was toxic.
>They all decided that the
>rectum should be the boss.
>
>The Moral of the story?
>
>
>The asshole is usually in charge !!

BOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRREEEDDDDDD

2006-06-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

1.You are in the Witness Protection Program and must invent a new first, last, and middle name.
Anastacia Mckaela Brennan

2.You are in a threesome with two famous people, alive or dead.
Oh dear god!!! That's easy, Hugh Jackman and Joaquin Phoenix

3.You are in charge of naming your new band. What's the name of the band?
All that and a bag of Dorito's

4. You are going to get a free tattoo. What would it be?
A ladybug sitting on an angel's wing

5. You are being forced to listen to one song over and over, ad infinitum, as a form of torture. What song is it?
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE.....AUGH!!!!!!!! (sorry to those karaoke singers who love to sing this song....wait, no I'm not....it hurts my ears)

6. You are leaving your state/province. What state do you move to?
Washington.....DUH

7. You are leaving your country, where would you move?
Canada or Switzerland

8. You get to choose one book as the best ever written. What book do you choose?
Man....thats tough...I would ask Christina :-)

9. You get to choose one movie as the best ever made. What movie do you choose?
Another toughie....since I've already used my phone a friend can I poll the audience?

10. You get to spend one day each as a bird, an insect, and a
mammal. What bird would you be? What insect? What mammal?
Hawk, Ladybug, Dolphin

11. You must relive one year of your life. Which would you like to relive?
1980....I think I had fun that year :-)

12. Which year(s) would you least like to relive?
1985-2005.....

13. You have a time machine that will take you backwards anywhere from 1800 to the present. What decade do you most want to visit?
1920's, I wanna be a flapper :-)

14. You must choose to go skydiving or very-deep-sea diving.
Can I choose both?

15. You get to return to the past (using that handy dandy time machine we were talking about before) and have a sexual encounter with a rock star who is no longer alive. Who do you pick?
Either the young Elvis or George Harrison

16. You get to be a contestant on any game show, airing today or in the past. What show do you want to be on?
Press Your Luck....NO Whammy, no whammy!

17. You are given $1 million dollars but you must give it all to one charity. What charity do you choose?
Cancer Research

18. You must ban one word from the dictionary and all usage, to be no longer uttered or written. What word do you ban?
Race......maybe if we stop stereotyping people would stop living up to the stereotypes

19. You can have 100 million dollars tax-free but if you take it, you'll die at the age of fifty. Do you take it?
Hell no.....its not worth it...thats only like 20 more years.

Happy Anniversary to me!

2006-06-04T20:54:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went to Stockton and ended up celebrating several special events not the least of which is the one year anniversary of me becoming a free woman. I know I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I was coming up on the one year mark but I didn't really have a lot of time to think about it over the last few weeks of school and holiday. I can not thank my parents enough for all the support they have given me over the course of this past year but this weekend I got to pamper myself, relax, and hang out with the friends who helped me see just how far I've come. As Christie put it "its been a hard year but you've learned a lot". I would have to say that is true. So in honor of the hurdles I have overcome (either by jumping over them or running around them...) I am going to post the top 10 things I have learned in the last year.

10. Blame may be deserved but it doesn't make anything different, it is up to me to stand up for myself.

~~I was reading a book the other day and found the greatest quote that describes greatly what I have learned about myself this year. "And what about me? I had been there too. I could have stepped in. Instead I had been complicit & passive clinging to the position where I could blame if needed."

9. It is always worse to be lonley with people around than to actually be alone.

8. Single does not = alone...there are many people who love me. There are worse things in life than being single....

7. If someone lies to you once and you don't call them on it, they will continue to lie to you.

6. If someone can talk badly about other people behind their back and act like best friends when they are with them, they are most likely doing the same thing to you.

5. If you are not going to do something about a situation that makes you miserable you are better off walking away because it will only get worse. At the same time there is nothing you can do if you aren't approaching a relationship with the same vision of the future.

4. If someone thinks you don't love them there is nothing you can do to change their mind, and if they think they don't deserve you...maybe they are right.

3. The best (only) gift some people can give you is to walk away when you should but won't.

2. I am stronger than I feel. I can make it on my own. I am perfectly capable of success and can deal with it even if I don't.

1. I am a beautiful, intelligent, caring, and compassionate individual who deserves to be respected. If other people can't see it thats their problem not mine and I don't need that kind of energy in my life.

Shanda sounds off - Immigration

2006-05-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

Since it is the end of the semester I am getting papers back that I wrote for classes. I got this one back today from my cultural anthropology class. After re-reading it I was like "damn...I kick ass" so I thought I would "publish" it :-)

The Dilemma of Americas Illegal Immigration Policies

The issue of illegal immigration is an interesting issue in a country that is made up of the descendents of immigrants. The nations current immigration issues are not new. As a developing country with such a unique form of government, America is faced with having to balance the philosophy of freedom for all and the practicality of distributing scarce resources amongst an ever growing population. In the history of the development of American society there are many examples of illegal (im)migration. There has never been an effective way of defending against the problems this migration causes to society, and almost without exception the illegal immigrants have been eventually granted amnesty, if only because the government does not have the methods or the means to enforce the laws that it creates.
America is one of the richest countries in the world. It is also a nation that was founded on the principle of providing a haven for the poor and disenfranchised of the world. Society, however, has developed the attitude of the political superpowers that our forefathers were trying to escape from. As such, I believe the government should be considering that illegal immigration is actually a symptom of the underdevelopment that we encourage in the world in order to line the pockets of our wealthy citizens. The pope makes an excellent point when he says, The problem of illegal immigration cannot be considered apart from the underdevelopment that motivates it. (Penalver: 9-10)
The argument against illegal immigration is that our society has laws that are expected to be followed. I counter that such laws are ineffectually enforced at best. Politicians are not able to come to an agreement of how to proceed in relation to immigration reform and changes to public policy are slow. The last reform to the law was in 1986.
No one majority is willing to take a stand against illegal immigration, as evidenced by the fact that since 1965 the nations leaders have only once formally addressed this issue. In doing so they granted amnesty to millions of illegal immigrants and failed to make any provisions for actually enforcing the laws in the future. This is just the beginning of Americas arbitrary policy making. In 1990 the president signed a law creating an annual immigration lottery allowing 50,000 individuals from selected nations to go to the front of the line and automatically become permanent residents. (Wayne: 1)
We must consider the legal impetus for the laws of our nation. If we are not going to enforce the policies that we create, the government is wasting their time and taxpayers money to go through the process of putting them on the books. American leaders have routinely disregarded the broken laws of citizens and non citizens alike. The legal doctrine of necessity is the oft used defense of illegal immigrants because the doctrine makes it lawful for someone in extreme need to disregard the law in order to satisfy that need, as long as in doing so they do not inflict an even greater harm than the one they seek to avoid. (Penalver: p9-10) Ethically, how can a society who has continued to allow, and granted amnesty to, lawless squatters justify enforcement of laws which have routinely been disregarded throughout history?

Wayne, Alex. 2005. Questioning the Risks of Immigration'Lotto'. CQ Weekly Congressional Quarterly Inc
Eduardo Moisés Peñalver. 2006. Are Illegal Immigrants Pioneers? THE IRONY OF AMERICAN HISTORY. Commonweal New York: Vol. 133, Iss.9, p.9-10

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

2006-05-16T09:51:00.000-07:00

DISCLAIMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU WATCH GREY'S ANATOMY AND HAVE NOT SEEN THE FINALE.......

Ok I don't know if I am just especially sensitive or what because I have been really good lately about not letting unimportant things get to me, but tonight I am frustrated and I need to vent. I apologize in advance for the language I used to express my frustration...if such vulgar language offends you I urge you to stop reading now.

I don't count on much in life but I have come to rely on my television giving me the happy endings that I very rarely give myself in real life. The advent of "reality" t.v. has only been made bearable by the fact that most of that shit is less real then the stuff that was not claiming to be real. However, this brings us to tonights season finale of Grey's Anatomy.....Again, I warn you, I am going to tell you how it ends so if you don't want to know this is your last chance to stop.....
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Ok, enough of that. Below (because I'm lazy) is the conversation I had with a friend immediately following the show.

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shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: do you watch grey's anatomy?
Shawn: only seen one episode will likely order it
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: Damn...I needed to vent
Shawn: lol i wont remember anyway
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: Yeah but its hard to explain if you don't know the history
Shawn: true
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: So theres this intern that falls for a dr at the hospital...they have a romance and at the end of last season we found out that he's married
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: Well she begs him to choose her and he doesn't...he chooses to "do the right thing" and try to work things out with his wife who btw he left because he walked in on her sleeping with his best friend
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: his wife also happens to be a dr
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: so all season long they are trying to all three work together
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: things happen and the guy won't leave her alone....he does the whole I want you then pulls away shit
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: well the intern sleeps around a bit after the break up because she's frickin hurting
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: things are going ok...she's getting better and they are actually kinda being friends
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: but of course that is not good enough for the fucking dr (who happens to be patrick dempsey)
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: When the intern starts dating his vet and he finds out he flips out
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: he won't talk to anyone and ends up calling her a whore
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: she's like fuck you I'm moved on the best I knew how because you fucking broke me go be with your wife I'm done
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: well tonight was the season finale and apparently that was a lie....
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: they were at this function (her with the vet and him with his wife) and he kept staring at her
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: so she excuses herself and he chases after her and they fucked!
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: I can't believe she fucking fucked him...
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: well I can because I know thats what I would end up doing but TV is not supposed to be like that
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: it is supposed to teach us a lesson and she is supposed to kick him in the balls and run off with her vet
Shawn: its the finale its supposed to be nervewrecking
shanda_panda@sbcglobal.net: the worst part is at the end the vet still not knowing that they did it offers to drive her home (because some other drama was going on in the hospital) and she hesitates...she stands there staring at the dr.....to be continued...what kind of crap is that! If I wanted that crap I would record my own life...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At that point I had vented enough to blow off some steam and to release enough pent up energy to let poor shawn off the hook ;-) but now I feel the need to elaborate...

It is no secret I have horrendous judgement when it comes to love and relationships. I am no longer embarrased to say that I have been with a married man and made the wrong choice more often than not when faced with this type of decision. I wish I could say that I had come to a point where I am strong willed enough to rule my emotions so that this is not an issue in my future, but I can't...yet. What I can say is that I don't watch television to see myself on the screen (in slightly more aesthetically pleasing pictures). I am famous for wanting my endings happy, and sweet, and so sickeningly unrealistic that I say "it doesn't happen like that in real life". Is this because I'm a depressed individual who is in search of an escape from reality? Perhaps....I like think, however, that it is more that I am an optomist who needs to see examples of how its SUPPOSED TO FRICKIN WORK! If people with scripts can't get it right, how in the hell is there any hope for stupid schmucks like me? Its not that I think "oh its ok to do that because so and so on tv did it"...I am honestly looking for a little guidance in people I am not personally vested with.

Now logically I understand how the whole concept of a season finale is supposed to work. I am the first one to admit that the producers of this show are genius for hooking me in so much I blog about it. As frustrated as I am I am not even saying that the show didn't have it's desired effect...I mean it is not like I am NOT going to watch it next season (if only to watch what new and exciting ways I am going to screw up my life next).....I'm just saying that I am disappointed. I guess what I'm really disappointed with is that I'm sitting here screaming at the T.V. the right thing to do and I can not say that I wouldn't do the same thing if faced with that situation. What kind of wacko does that make me? Wait...don't answer that ;-)

Ok, I'm done. For those of you who have never seen me blog like this I am sorry. For those of you who made it to the bottom of this blog and want the last 5 minutes of your life back, tough luck...I gave you enough opportunity to run. I wouldn't have been offended...trust me, I'm used to it

Happy Mother's Day!

2006-05-14T13:18:00.000-07:00

Mom and I may not always get along but she is the one person who is always on my side, always there for me, and will always be in my heart. She is the one person I know who I can always turn to, no matter what. It took me a while to realize that the reason we don't get along is actually because we are so much alike. We are both fabulous friends, and caring people who sometimes have a hard time communicating what we are feeling inside. I feel very fortunate to have my mom, and hope that I too have a daughter who feels that way about me. Here's to us mom...I love you!

That's right, I'm a hottie :-P

2006-05-14T13:12:00.000-07:00

You Are Smokin' Hot

You're a terrible flirt, a sharp dresser, and a party animal.

Of course, you're totally sizzling too. And for you, being hot just comes naturally.

Are You Hot?

lava lamp

2006-05-12T17:20:00.000-07:00

TGIM????

2006-05-08T23:31:00.000-07:00

How is it possible that I feel so much better on a MONDAY than I did on a SATURDAY!?!? The only thing that I can attribute it to is that I actually got some sleep this weekend. First there was the 5 hour nap on Saturday and then I actually got about 8 hours Saturday night and into Sunday. I even got a full 8 hours sleep on Sunday into Monday, despite the Margarita Sunday festivities I attended (margarita's rock!). I am still a bit restless but my ability to concentrate is much improved...which is a good thing since I have 2 papers and 4 finals left to do in a 2 week timespan. I am planning to push myself through it and party it up when I go to Stockton for Shawney's birthday (and christie's show) on 05/20/06. Then after that I have the one year anniversary of my rebirth as an independent woman. I am going to celebrate this with a 5 day weekend and our annual memorial day camping trip. It is hard to believe that it has been a year already. I can definitely see a drastic improvement in all areas of my life, and I am thankful that I am able to look back with a minimum of regrets.

Before I can get to the 5 day weekend or the party weekend I am going to have to get through not only school but also the first mother's day weekend without my grandmother. It seems that the weather cleared up just in time for us to spread her ashes which, while appropriate, is definitely going to put some extra emotional strain on the family. Wish us luck :-)

That about sums it up :-P

2006-05-06T23:35:00.000-07:00

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous
People will stop and watch you when you appear
Even though you're capable of random violence

You are best known for: your power

Your dominant state: performing

What Type of Weather Are You?

So thats what's in that head of mine :-)

2006-05-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

Well...here I am...haven't really WRITTEN an actual blog for a while, just haven't been inspired I guess. Well that and it is frickin insanely busy at the end of the semester. What I should be doing right now? Homework to be sure, I have some laundry that's stinkin up my closet...and the list goes on. I'm just having a hard time finding my motivation. Its like I'm limping through the week and spend the weekends recovering enough to do it again and again. When does it get easier? I'll take me some of that!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not sad or depressed...I am actually feeling content in WHERE I am...its just in what I'm DOING where I am that is giving me a problem. It feels like I am stuck in purgatory....around the corner I can see a fantastic future but it can't come fast enough. I don't think that I have posted about it, but I have been accepted to the Respiratory Therapy program so in just 2 years I will have a degree and good paying job opportunities ANYWHERE in the world that I want to go....I could theoretically survive on my own in Seattle even....that is just amazing to me, and a little scary. Yet it feels like since I found out time has turned to quicksand and I seem to be being sucked back into oblivion...keeping my dreams just out of my reach.

On top of my lack of energy I have been going a bit stir crazy...hows that for for an oxymoron. If only I knew how to harness that energy I would be golden. Now that I am finally getting comfortable in my surroundings I am itching to get out and have fun but there is not much opportunity for that up here....at least not on a regular basis.

Then there is the topic of companionship. This is the kicker. I knew I couldn't quelch my desires forever...its been almost a year and I am starting to feel those long hidden away desires to love and be loved creeping up again. These feelings scare me because I have always had trouble with balance. I kinda felt that I have to bury that part of me if I have any hope of getting through the next two years because if I let it out I won't be able to control it. Then again, I can't imagine not being touched for the next two years. I don't think that I can do that either. So which is the lesser of two evils, or is there a way to balance it so that I am not always in this psychotic tug of war?

As usual you can see that I am living in my head and that is what is getting me in trouble. If I could figure out how to turn the voices off I would be in such a better place. Alas, perhaps if I turned the voices off I would be lonely....you kinda get used to them after a while. Maybe that is why I can't because if I do then I have to be by myself and that is what truly scares me the most.

A little boredom never hurt anybody

2006-05-06T10:42:00.000-07:00

Where did you take your default photo?
Christie's dining room

Who is the first & second person on your top 8?
Brat Boy Chris and Timber EEEanne

What exactly are you wearing right now?
sweats and a sleevless shirt

What is your current problem?
Too many to mention...

What makes you most happy?
my kitties

If you could go back in time, and change something, what would it be?
I would finish school earlier

Name an obvious quality you have?
Compassion and caring

What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
Not listening to a song...I am watching soap operas

Any celeb you would marry?
MARRIED!?!?!? No way in hell I'm getting married to anyone

Have someone with the same birthday as you?
I talk to them all the time...just don't know anybody personally

Do you have a crush on someone?
Thats for me to know and you to find out

Ever sang in front of a large audience?
What do you consider large?

Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Yes but I don't believe them

Do you speak any other languages?
A little french...and I sign

Have you ever ridden in a Hummer limo?
NO! But I should have....but I'm not bitter.....wait does it count if I talked to people on the phone who were in the hummer as I drove behind it? Oh I guess not.

Do you ever watch MTV?
When I was like 8 and they still showed music videos...oh yeah and if there is a real world marathon :-P

What's something that really bugs you?
Many things...being at home doing this survey on a friday night for one :-P

Initials:
SMD

Middle name:
Michelle

Current location:
Yankee Hill...in the bedroom

Hair length:
Short...even shorter when curly

Eye color:
Green Hazel

Do you live with your parents:
Yup

Do you get along with your parents:
Mostly

Are your parents married/separated/divorced?:
Yes...almost 30 years

Do you have any siblings?:
Robert Ray (or as I call him Booby Bobby)

Ice cream flavor:
Rocky Road

Clothing brand:
I'm not really a brand name kinda girl

Shampoo/conditioner:
Fructis

Do you write memos on your hand?
Uh huh

Call people back?
I would if anyone ever called me...mostly I get telemarketers or student loan consolidation people and NO I don't call them back

Believe in love:
Of course...something that hurts so bad has to be real

Sleep on a certain side of the bed?
Diagonal

Glasses or contacts?:
Glasses, only to read

Have any bad habits:
Biting my nails, forgetting my meds, procrastination, and many many more...

Gone skinny dipping?:
Yup

Broken a bone?
The question isn't if I have broken a bone, its which bone haven't I broken?

Had stitches?:
Only after being put in a straight jacket, and no I'm not kidding

Gone scuba diving?:
No :-(

Been stung by a jellyfish?:
Nope

Been stung by a bee?
Yes thank god I'm not allergic like my aunt

thrown up in a restaurant?:
Yes...don't remember why

Been to overnight camp?:
Yeah...science camp...and no not band camp :-)

Sworn in front of your parents?:
Yes...I'm a bad bad daughter

Had detention?:
Nope I was goody two shoes!

Been sent to the principal's office?:
Only to drop off paperwork

Who was the last Person to IM you?:
Bob

What did it say?
Good night, I love you too

Who was the last Person to call you?
Mom...though I did get a missed call from an unknown number

Person you hugged?:
Mom or Dad

Person you tackled?
I reserve the right to remain silent as the answer can and will incriminate me :-)

Thing you touched?:
Keyboard...DUH!

Thing you said:
DAMNIT why can't I get comfortable!

Thing you ate?:
Ice cream

Thing you drank?:
Water

Honesty is the best policy

2006-05-02T01:51:00.000-07:00

Now that you have opened this you must fill it out yourself!!
Answer these questions honestly.

1. Honestly, what color is your underwear?
flesh...I try not to wear them if I can get away with it

2. Honestly, whats on your mind right now?
The paper due tomorrow that I have had 6 weeks to do which isn't done.

3. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
This survey and and then I am doing the paper till it is finished or I pass out...whichever comes first!

4. Honestly, what did you do today?
Went on an adventure down a country road I had never been down before....ended up sitting on a rock along a creek running under a covered bridge..went to the bank and got jamba juice....went to work and managed to have the worst day....yet I'm still smiling...I'll let you think about that one for a while :-)

5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
I'm beginning to.

6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
Define bad...I don't think so

7. Honestly, do you watch disney channel?
I do...I secretly like those teeny bopper shows like lizzie maguire

8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
no

9. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
My kitties

10. Honestly, do you bite your nails?
always have probably always will

11. Honestly, what is your mood right now?
restless

12. Honestly, have you had an eating disorder?
This is not the body of someone with an eating disorder :-)

13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
yes there are a lot of people I'd like to see

14. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
I have many secrets....I don't think they are dark though....the keep me mysterious :-)

15. Honestly, do you hate someone right now?
Yeah...unfortunately....I really wish I could be indifferent, it takes much less energy

16. Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?
I plead the 5th

17. Honestly, are you loyal?
Mostly?

18. Honestly, are you in denial?
Not now...I've visited but currently I'm digging reality way too much

19. Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now?
Ummmm....DUH! Who wouldn't?

20. Honestly, who is/are your best friend(s)?
Christina, Shawny, Deb, Brenty

21. Honestly, do you like someone?
Yeah...I have to admit I do

22. Honestly does anyone like you?
I think so...I hope so at least

23. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
I am the wrong person to ask about that

24. Honestly, do you smoke weed?
I have...but it really doesn't do much for me

25. Honestly, do you do drugs?
Caffeine...lots and lots of caffeine.

26. Honestly, have you ever drank/ will you ever drink alcohol?
Oh yeah! This is a certainty

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

2006-04-24T22:33:00.000-07:00

Ok I've come to the point where I have to scream STOOOOOPPPPP!!!! I can't take anymore. I am so beyond past my limit of death that it isn't even funny. This week marks the passing of two of the last links that I had to the past 10 years. My beloved ree ree and old man dylan. I am beginning to wonder how I made it out of the last 10 years alive since there has been so much death in such a short time. Although, in actuality I am sure I have managed to kill off much more of myself then I am able to realize at this moment.

If you are reading this you're probably wondering what the hell I'm rambling about. I'll start with Old Man Dylan. Today we found out that his lungs are over 50% compromised with cancer (the dirtiest word in the english language if you ask me) and we are going to have to put him down tomorrow. Dylan was a present to me from my dad about in 1990. We were visiting my aunt's ranch in Livermore CA and there were some really tiny baby kittens that were abandoned. I carried this tiny baby boy around in my overalls all day and by the time it was time to go I was BEGGING my dad and mom to let me keep him. Well the answer was "no" so mom and I left and Dad was going to follow us later. He shows up at my grandmother's house 3 hours later with MY KITTEN! I was in love. This was right at the start of the 90210 craze and I was torn as to whether or not to name my baby after Dylan Mckay or Brandon Walsh. I think I made the right choice....anyway....by the time graduation and moving out came the cat was more of a family cat then my cat and it wasn't fair to drag him into new surroundings so I left him with my mom and dad. He was always happy to see me when I visited and even spent about 4 months with me at the apartment in Sac when my parents were moving. He won the heart of Ree Ree (even if she never gave in a bathed him like he wanted) and Ally. That is the one thing that Ree and Ally had in common, their love of the old man. He managed to assert his alpha male status even in his old age and often went to the door at night to make sure that everyone was in. And if one of the girls thought they were bigger and badder than him he could still kick their ass. I don't know how many times I came home in Sacramento to find Ree and Dylan rolling head over tail down the hall, neither one wanting to let go first....and he was 15 years old at that point! His relationship with Ally was a little different. I think she reminded him of his old friend Chloe but he realized that she was still a kitten so he took her under his wing (sometime literally) and taught her about love. Although he was a grumpy, cranky old man most often lately he still had the loudest purrer around.

As if that isn't bad enough (taking into considersation all of the loss that we have experienced in the last year alone) about a month ago my precious ree ree started not wanting to come in from outside. She would disappear for days at a time and everytime we found her she would be a thinner and thinner. If she would come in the house she would hide and then if we wouldn't let her back out she would pee on us. She was skiddish and anti social in a way she has never been before. Needless to say we were very scared that she might be sick so we took her to the vet and he said that she was in fine health. We figured maybe she just got scared from being outside during a recent thunderstorm. Well her strange behaviour continued and I figured that we should just let her be an outside cat. After all, I didn't save her from the dumpster to make her miserable. After a while when she did show up at the door she wouldn't eat and had gotten so skinny you could see her rib cage. As of today we haven't seen her for almost a week, which means that she probably hasn't eaten for that long since we haven't seen her hunting. I love this cat more than life itself and I don't know how I am going to live without her. She saved my life on more than one occasion and I am eternally endebted to my princess. Even if I never see her again I will always love her and will never forget my chubba kitty and our adventures.

Now....I would like to make a statement to whoever in the universe is listening. PLEASE give me a break. I don't think I can take anymore loss. People tell me that this is just a cleansing process to break my ties with the past and clear the way for a bright future but do you really have to take the only good things that I have had going for me? I know that I shouldn't be selfish. I had Dylan for 16 years and Ree Ree was there for me in some of the hardest times of my life. I have to be grateful for the time that I have had and let them move on to the things that they have to do elsewhere...after all this time I guess I still don't know how to do that.

Drink up!

2006-04-24T01:26:00.000-07:00

How to make a Shan'chelle

Ingredients:

1 part jealousy

5 parts self-sufficiency

3 parts ego

Method:
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add lovability to taste! Do not overindulge!

I'm not really feelin it, this one's for B!

2006-04-21T22:54:00.000-07:00

Girl Next Door

Small town homecoming queen
Shes the star in this scene
Theres no way to deny shes lovley
Perfect skin perfect hair
Perfumed hearts everywhere
Tell myself that inside shes ugly
Maybe I'm just jealous
I can't help but hate her
Secretly I wonder if my boyfriend wants to date her

She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sittin in the stands
She gets the top bunk I'm sleepin on the floor
Shes Miss America and I'm just the girl next door

Senior class president
She must be heaven sent
She was never the last one standing
A backseat debutaunt
Everything that you want
Never to harsh or too demanding
Maybe I'll admit it
I'm a little bitter
Everybody loves her but I just wanna hit her

She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sittin in the stands
She gets the top bunk I'm sleepin on the floor
Shes Miss America and I'm just the girl next door
Oh an I'm just the girl next door

I don't know why I'm feelin sorry for myself
I spend all my time wishin that I was someone else

She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sittin in the stands
I get A little bit she gets a little more
Shes Miss America and... she's Miss America
I'm just the girl next door...

I'm to sexy for this blog ;-)

2006-04-17T00:16:00.000-07:00

You Are Girly Sexy

You're a youthful spirit, and your energy is infectious.
Men love your innocence and lack of emotional baggage.
You make every kiss seem like the first and every moment magical.
How could any guy in his right mind resist that?

What Kind of Sexy Are You?

Anybody else feel like this?

2006-04-05T15:57:00.000-07:00

Try it for yourself

Thanks Brooke! that was just what I needed!

Grandma's memorial

2006-03-26T13:43:00.000-08:00

This last week has been a roller coaster of emotions. The one thing I have known without a doubt was that I needed to share something special about grandma with everyone so that she is not forgotten. I pushed myself to come up with something to say but couldn’t seem to come up with the right words to express the special bond that I had with this magnificent woman. It was not for lack of memories that I struggled; I have millions of those. I am lucky enough to have 28 years of memories. How do I sum up 28 years in a way that would make everyone understand the effect that she has had on me?

Not surprisingly it was in the bathroom this morning that an idea hit me. It does not surprise me because grandma potty trained me by sitting me on the toilet with a book and then she couldn’t get me out of there. This is where I do my best thinking. It is well known that anytime the family is looking for me I can likely be found in the bathroom, having gotten so absorbed in my book that I forget that I’m finished. My point being that as I was showering this morning I realized that what I need to share is not my memory of grandma but what she has taught me, and how in death she hasn’t stopped.

As we were going through pictures from grandma’s collection last night a picture of her that was taken in 1953 shocked me. The face staring back at me was my own. Grandma had told me the week before she passed that she wasn’t leaving me…she would still be all around me in the wind. I realize that this may be truer than I could comprehend. I see her when I look in the mirror. The truth is that she lives inside me and in the hearts and souls of every person that has ever known her and because of that she can never be forgotten.

I could stand up here and retell any one of the thousands of special moments that we shared but what would that actually mean to you? What does mean something to everyone in this room is your friend, your mother, and your grandmother is not gone. I believe with all my heart that by teaching me to love myself my grandmother has given the part of her in me a chance to make up for any regrets she may have had and to make the world a better place far into the future. I just hope that she knows that her first ladybug loves her mostly.

Soooooo True!

2006-03-24T16:15:00.000-08:00

Hey all, sorry I haven't been around...its been crazy......I feel like I didn't even get a Spring Break and I ended up with most of the week off because Grandma died. I don't have time to go into everything now....hopefully will get a chance to update you again soon. For now my horoscope illustrates exactly how I'm feeling...

Shanda
Sun Sign: Aquarius Rising Sign: Sagitarius

March 24, 2006
Shanda, sometimes you feel like you are in a video game being played by a teenager who has no regrets about having you get eaten by a monster! Today you should try a new game: avoiding stress! Whether this concerns your career or your personal life, you need to find some neutral territory where you can actually relax. How about going over to a friend's house?

Real Life

2006-03-09T23:55:00.000-08:00

"The Real Life" by 3 Doors Down

I wanted to find somewhere to hide
And I opened up and left those fears inside
And I wanted to be anyone else
Only to find that there was noone there but me

But I woke up to real life
And I realised its not worth running from anymore
When there was nowhere left to hide I found out
That nothings real here but I wont stop now until I find a better part of me

I let those hard days get me down
And all the things I hate got in my way
I could of screamed without a sound
I found myself silenced by those things they say

But I woke up to real life
And I realised its not worth running from anymore
When there was nowhere left to hide I found out
That nothings real here but I wont stop now until I find a better part of me

Thats out there somewhere
And it cant be that far away
Thats where ill find myself
And ill find my way out
Thats where ill find out

But I woke up to real life
And I realised its not worth running from anymore
When there was nowhere left to hide I found out
That nothings real here but I wont stop now until I find a better part of me

Its been a while....

2006-03-09T23:37:00.000-08:00

As I have received several comments about my recent (unplanned) hiatus I decided that I would take the time to post an update. I have been doing very well and have been very busy of the last month or so.

I am very excited to report that I have met the most fantastic person I have ever known. She is beautiful, intelligent, witty, humorous, caring, socially conscious, and all in all a good person. I have gotten to know her a bit better as I have been spending almost every waking hour with her and am just amazed that I haven’t met her earlier. I am looking forward to getting to know her better and forming a bond that will last the rest of our lives.

Now that I have given my mom a heart attack, I can tell you that this fantastic person I have met is ME! (Don’t worry mom, I don’t have anything to tell you) I have never had great self esteem but I’m working on it, and I can honestly say that I’ve smiled more this year than I have in the past 4 years combined. I now understand that if I don’t like and respect myself I am just fooling myself if I think that anyone else will like or respect me. I think I have made a lot of big steps.

In other news I have been working full time (w/overtime) and carrying a full load of units at school. In February I turned in my application for the upcoming semester’s nursing program and this month I am applying for the respiratory therapy tech program. Hopefully I will get into one…I can’t wait to have the opportunity to work graveyard shift (who said the night time is for sleeping?) for an amount of money that will allow me to actually live.

We had a scare this week with Grandma so hopefully she will be feeling better soon. If you are so inclined take a moment or two to send a good thought into the universe for her. I’ll keep you informed as to her condition as we continue to get the news.

Other than that I have of course made time to tune into this season of American Idol.....I am disappointed to see that it looks more like a spin off of "Beauty and the Geek" this season though. What is up with the fact that all the girls seem to be judged on appearance and they give us 11 geeky guys and 1 "stud". I know this is a singing competition but there were a lot of women that they passed up that could sing but didn't have "the look" and it doesn't seem that they have the same standard for the guys? Oh well....just an observation. My early favorite for the season is Katharine McPhee....or as we found out on Tuesday Katharine "McFever".

Next week is spring break so I might have some extra time in the beginning of the week to blog but I have actually decided to take a couple days off work and go on a trip with my new friend mentioned above I am thinking that I am going to take off mid week and spend a couple days at the beach and visiting people in the bay area. Then on St Patty’s day weekend I’ll be in Stockton visiting with friends and seeing the amazing work that a couple of my friends are going to be doing on stage at Kiley’s dinner theatre.

Well I’m out of stuff to talk about (see y’all didn’t miss much)….again, I appreciate the concern that you guys have expressed in my absence. I love you all and look forward to catching up with you soon.

Its written in the stars for Feburary (cont.)

2006-02-19T18:17:00.000-08:00

Part 2

The aspects you have to your career are rare and brilliantly beautiful. Once those aspects fade in November 2006, they will not return for 12 years. Until then, you will have a superb opportunity to make your mark and build a solid reputation that will remain with you in the years to come.

On Tuesday, February 14, Venus will contact Jupiter, now based in your 10th house of honors and career achievement. On that day, you could easily score a major victory. Put a gold star on that day, plus or minus one day.

With all this excitement in your career going on it would be ideal to have a partner's support but it appears that this person is not being cooperative. In fact, he or she is not likely to give an inch on whatever topic you both appear to be stuck.

I am not sure why this person seems so obstinate or aloof. The identity of this person could be your spouse, steady lover, business partner, collaborator, or someone who represents you in business (like an agent) but this person's behaviour has troubled you. Even if you ended the relationship your chart suggests that the disappointment is clearly still lingering with you.

Emotionally, you may feel isolated and without the emotional support you need. I am so sorry to have to tell you this, dear aquarius, I am reminded of the phrase "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" - we all laugh when we hear that axiom, but it does have a ring of truth to it.

If you feel you are the exception to the rule, that your romantic partner is a loving person and quite supportive, then it may be that you are worried about the health or welfare of your partner, or that you have your hands full with a very difficult market situation where a competitor has become ruthless about stealing a piece of your market share.

It is imperative that you keep your health strong, as Saturn opposed to the Sun is a strenuous aspect. If you were born on or within 5 days of January 27th you are feeling the strainmore than other members of your sign. If that is you, you need lots of tender loving care over the coming several months. Do whatever you need to care for your mind body, and spirit, dear Aquarius.

Those readers born near February 13 should guard against colds, but only during this month.

This troublesome partner - or competitor - is likely to present himself at the full moon in Leo, February 13. At that time feelings will reach a critical stage, and a great deal of truth will emerge. If you have harbored certain expectations that clearly won't materialize, this day may prove to be disillusioning.

Part 3

However, things could work the other way too. You may have supposed your partner was not serious about committing only to discover that nothing could be further from the truth! Plans to wed could fall into place rather quickly. As you see, extremes-breakups and engagements/weddings - will be very likely at this full moon, which falls the day prior to Valentine's Day.

All full moon's have a plus or minus four days of influence, so Valentine's Day falls right in the path of that full moon. The upside is that you will understand your relationship in a way you had not previously, and you will be better able to plan your future.

If you are born on February 13, plus or minus five days, you will feel the effect of this full moon more personally than other Aquarians. Keep in mind that you do have many winning cards, so there is no reason to feel at a disadvantage.

If you are single and want to start dating, you'll be in luck this month, for Mars is about to swing into action to add zip and energy to your social life. In a rare visit to your fith house of true love from February 17 to April 13, you'll start to see the lively effects almost immediately of having the Red Planet behind you. In fact, with Mars in Gemini, the planet of the twins, two sweethearts may emerge at once!

Look your best and get out more to show your face to the world. The love interest(s) you meet from February 17 - April 13 could prove to be a keeper. You've not had much help from the universe in matters of the heart in past months, but now you do; use it for all it's worth! Your timing could not be better.

Best nights to enjoy love: February 1, 6, 7, 25, and 26.

Financially, you have some surprises coming but they seem to be happy ones. One never knows the precise outcome when your ruler, Uranus , is involved, for this planet rules all unexpected developments in a chart. The reason that I am upbeat about your financial picture is that you have a new moon on February 28, which will open a two-week window. That new moon will allow you to uncover a whole new way to bring in additional income. This would be money you earn, not win, but that's good news, for luck would have nothing to do with your success! You will have earned it!

This new moon on February 28 will orbit close to Uranus, so whatever happens will happen very suddenly, like a thunderbolt from out of the blue. You may get a phone call, a boom - you'll be asked to make a decision and quickly, too. Indeed, you may find yourself in the right place at the right time - there may be something strange or very random about the way you get your financial opportunity. Who cares? What matters is that you do.

Part 4

Jupiter, the planet of abundance, expansion, and happiness will be in a good angle to Uranus - close enough to help you land a nice raise or new salary offer. This is certainly something to cheer about, so as you see you will end the month on a very happy note.

Before I go I want to urge you to use this month to be as productive as you can be. Sign contracts early in the month, for March will bring Mercury in retrograde almost the entire month, plus there will be two eclipses. The atmosphere in March will be confusing and filled with cosmic dust and it will be hard to see the road ahead. Keep your schedule light, especially mid month.

Happy Birthday to you....

2006-02-18T20:55:00.000-08:00

This beautiful lady turns the great age of 69 today. I love you mostly Grandma and I will always be your ladybug.

Happy Amateurs Day

2006-02-14T23:37:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Cjristina's parents for the title of this blog...

Remember those candy conversation hearts that we always handed out? The ones that tasted nasty but were "oh so cool". I found a quiz (thanks Brian) and I couldn't decide on one of the questions on the quiz so I will give you both my results and let you decide...

Your Candy Heart Says "Hug Me"

A total sweetheart, you always have a lot of love to give out.
Your heart is open to where ever love takes you!

Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a surprise romantic evening that you've planned out

Your flirting style: lots of listening and talking

What turns you off: fighting and conflict

Why you're hot: you're fearless about falling in love

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love.
You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart.

Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!)

Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic

What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays

Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

I think that says it all...oh yeah and as AppleAnnie says, all the cool kids are doing "it"....click the link to find out what "it" is :-)

Super Shanda

Bitter, Confused, and Depressed NO MORE...

2006-02-12T15:28:00.000-08:00

As almighty powerful as I may be, I am still yet to uncover the power to control people's thoughts or actions. If I had I would definitely be much more financially secure and in a much different place in my life. Alas, I have recently discovered that I have been the inspiration for some disturbing drama and I would like to set the record straight.

Over the past few years I have allowed myself to be changed from the person that I really am to the person that some people perceive me to be. While I do not give a damn about what these other people perceptions of me are, I have allowed mean people's comments and actions to get under my skin. This has got to stop. While I maintain that I have every right to be bitter for letting myself believe the lies that have succeeded in sucking me into other people's warped sense of reality, this bitterness is counterproductive. As I am determined to make a difference in this world I have to forgive myself.

I have grown a great deal in the past 8 months. I have successfully moved to a new place and made new wonderfully supportive friends while managing to stay close with the people who truly love me from my past. While I have physically (geographically, sexually, ect.) moved on with much success I have not been quite so successful at putting the resentment and misery of the past 10 years behind me. It is easy for those who are not hurt by their actions to say "move on...get over it" but how exactly do you forgive yourself for and forget about falling for the same lies you watched some of your best friends fall for, for trusting someone when they told you that everything you wanted in life was their dream as well and you would take care of EACH OTHER in order to get there, and finally, for doing everything in your power to squelch the ever present fear of failure while knowing that these fears are not unfounded because at some point things have changed and you are not even in the top 20 important persons in the life of the person who has made you believe they love you yet who treats you with increasing disrespect and maliciousness? How do you cope when you find out the things that were said about you when you weren't around rival those that you have heard them say about others?

In the wise words of many of the people who are my lifeline these days there is nothing that anyone can do to you if you don't allow them to. The person that has been hurting me is ME! I have allowed people to put me on a path to being the insane person they believe me to be and before I can "get over it" I must say NO MORE! I must forgive myself for being human. I must not let these hateful people have the power to hurt me. I do NOT have to forgive and forget the lies and betrayals that I have endured, however, I do have to seperate myself from them. Karma is a bitch, and I have to believe that those who deserve it will get what they deserve as I have.

While I accept that there is nothing that I can do to make ignorant people understand my point of view, I am able to put the past where it belongs....in the past. I know I am meant for big things and staying connected to the pain, misery, and lonliness that is associated with the past is not the way to achieve it. Therefore, I want it to be clear that I do not support, endorse, or in any way promote anything done on my behalf. If I have something to say, I WILL SAY IT! However, by the same token, I can not stop people who love me from forming their own opinions. Nor do I have any power to stop them, if they so choose, from expressing them. If they happen to agree with my own opinions that does NOT mean that I have put them up to expressing them, nor does that mean I have done anything more than explain my perspective and give them the tools to learn about the alternative points of view that are available. This is no different, I am sure, from what anyone else involved has done.

In closing, I demand that people stop projecting their darkness of spirit, ulterior motives, and backstabbing ways onto me...I have ENOUGH problems to overcome. Someday these people will find that their words have come back to haunt them and when they do I don't want or need to hear anything about it....I'M OUT! (Insert Joe Smith hand thingy here)

Do you believe in magic?

2006-02-09T14:43:00.000-08:00

Magic
She tapped her finger & nothing happened & she thought she had lost her magic, but it had only changed & it took her awhile to figure it out.

What's in the stars for Feburary

2006-02-07T14:51:00.000-08:00

For me and my fellow aquarians it is going to be an exciting month according to Verizon Wireless' mobile astrology zone. Read on if you interested in finding out what is supposed to happen for me. I'll post at the end of the month to tell you how it actually turned out.

Part 1:

February finds you ready to break out of your box, try new things, and upset the apple cart. GOOD! That's always your best role in the scheme of things, o this month, as they say, "Let you be you." You'll be feeling strong and confident, for th Sun, Neptune, and Mercury will be in Aquarius. You'll be able to show the full range of your vision too, and even if others don't always understand, they will sense that you are on to something.

The new moon that fell recently on January 29th was in aquarius, an important moment in your timeline, for it will surely open an exciting new path. As you begin February, that powerful new moon will still bring you plenty of passion and might, and will encourage you to scale new heights. With so many planets stacking up in Aquarius at the start of February, luck is on your side. You won't have to choose just one area of your life to concentrate on either - in this rar environment, almost ALL areas will glow brightly.

While you have such a strong sense of authority, present your plan and move your troops forward. Act like the pathfinder that you wereborn to be! There's no reason to second guess yourself - dispel naysayers and follow your intuition.

If you were born on January 29th, your coming year will be an unusually vital one for you.for you are about to start a new chapter in your life. In fact, for you, your birthday year to come could serve as a benchmark from which you measure future years. To host a new moon on the anniversary of your birth is considered very rare and special.

At the same time, Mars created a dichotomy between your home and professional life creating a tug-of-war between the two. No matter what you did, you felt like you were shortchanging the other one. That created inescapable tension, and only you know how successful you were in balancing the two. When Mars exits Taurus on February 17, this home-and-family area will finally calm down. You will feel as though a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. The ever-present tension you had to learn to live with will be dispelled. Whew!

All the good news has and will continue to emanate from your career zone. If people back home felt relegated to second place in your life, it would be understandbale. Still you probably correctly sensed that you had a tiger by the tail and you could not take your eyes off your projects at work. So much of what you had worked so hard to achieve over the past years was finally coming to fruition. Somehow, you had to keep the people at home patient.

What were you thinking?

2006-02-05T15:54:00.000-08:00

Thanks to The Babbling Brooke for providing something for me to think about. I am currently procrastinating on my homework and rooting on my future hometown football team in their first Superbowl showing ever.......GO SEAHAWKS!!!! They are not my Cowboys but you've gotta root for somebody. Besides, Matt Hasselbeck is HOT!

Anyhow, here are the rules. Play along. Just put the first thing that comes to mind. You can do it in the comments section or on your own blog. Have fun. As Brooke points out this is not a meme and anyone who wants to can participate.

1. Long distance::
2. Meant to be::
3. Here::
4. Endless::
5. Resentment::
6. Insipid::
7. Bunny::
8. Slogan::
9. Naked::
10. Sarcasm::

Don't
Look
At
Mine
Until
You
Think
Of
Your
Own
Answers

Think you got it?

Now
You
Can
Look

1. Long distance:: How far I have come, and how far I have left to go.
2. Meant to be:: Inevitable, you can run but you can't hide
3. Here:: Where we are so make the most of it :-)
4. Endless:: Feels like forever until you realize how short it really is
5. Resentment:: Hard to get over
6. Insipid:: Worthless don't waste your breath
7. Bunny:: Does anyone else see that big pink bunny?
8. Slogan:: Bet you can't eat just one...
9. Naked:: Natural state of being
10. Sarcasm:: Essential coping mechanism

Things to remember in 2006!

2006-02-04T23:13:00.001-08:00

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down. (keep this In mind if you are one of those grouches;)

3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain get idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and Lots of time with HIM/HER.

6. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourself. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love:
Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

But do share this with someone.

Let the music speak to you

2006-01-31T23:15:00.000-08:00

This week has started out a little rough which is such a shame since last week ended so great.
This morning I got in my car and popped in an old cd by The Calling. The following song spoke volumes to me so I'm going to share with you how I was feeling. I had a conversation earlier this evening that put things into a new perspective, but I still wanted to post this song to remind me if I have weak moments in the future.

Adrienne

I've been thinking about you, my love,
And all the crazy things that you put me through
Now I'm coming round, throwing it back to you
Were you thinking of me, when you kissed him
Could you taste me when you licked his skin
And all the while I showered you with trust and promises
What I'm needing now is some sweet revenge
To get back alll that I lost then
I gave you all I had to give, but I could never reach you

Chorus:
Adrienne, I thought I knew you
Once again, you used me, used me
Adrienne, I should have left you
Long before you used me, used me up

Spent my money, drove my car
I treated you like a shining star
But in my sky all burnt out you are
And I'll have the last laugh when I see you with some other guy
'Cause I know you're gonna end up all alone
So take these words, some good advice
All you've done's gonna come back twice
You never cared how much it hurt, I really need to tell you

Chorus

What I'm needing now some sweet revenge
To get back all that I lost then.
I gave you all that I had to give, but could never reach you

Chorus

Now that was one heck of a party....I think :-)

2006-01-31T22:33:00.000-08:00

Hey all, I just wanted to take the time to post some quick pics and let y'all know that I had a FABULOUS birthday. It seemed to go by too fast (doesn't it always??) but I made the most out of it. Funniest moment of the day was driving down the road from one massage appointment to another and realizing I forgot my bra at the office and didn't have time to go back for it. Thank goodness for Cjristie (in more ways than one) cause she went back to get it for me (in the process going into the wrong building and wondering why I had my massage in a place that looked suspiciously like a dentist office....oh wait, that WAS a dentist office!!)

After 3 hours of making myself so relaxed I was about to melt into the floor but then I got to go shopping because I didn't have a birthday outfit. I had no idea what I wanted to wear. Couldn't really find anything at first and then I managed to find a really cute shirt that I everyone said was a great color on me. I was trying to find some pants (I've been doing too many skirts lately) but I couldn't and ended up finding a REALLY cute skirt (kinda like renaissance garb) that completed the outfit. Also found some shoes that I thought I was going to kill myself in (I didn't fall once....HA!) and some jewelry that matched perfectly.

Dinner was great. I don't know if all of these people are going to see this but I really want to express my feelings on how people made me feel on Saturday. It felt so good to see all of my favorite people and know that they were there to celebrate me made me feel so special. Thank you Liz, Joe, Shawn, Cjristie, and Tony. Oh and Cathy/Jea9/Justin I understand why you couldn't be there. Hope to see you next time I'm down. Lori, I am so glad that you made it to the bar. I don't hate you and if I had a way to get ahold of you then u would definitely have been pre-invited by me. You are so much fun. Bob, you should have come out with us, you would have had fun (heaven forbid) but I am know you were celebrating for me in your own way :-)

Now for the most part I remember the rest of the night (including calling the east coast at 2 am pacific time to wake up my best friend in Ohio.....I love you brentie, tell cj I'm sorry). Most of all I remember smiling and laughing and dancing and singing and telling people how I feel about them. All in all a good night. And even though I didn't know it then someone was in the process of giving me the best birthday present that I have ever gotten....and that is all I will say about that.

The next morning the band (christina, shawn, and myself) went do breakfast at Perkos very early. We then went and took a nap and I headed home around 2. I don't know what I would do without these people in my life. If there was anything good that came out of my relationship with the ex it was that he brought these wonderful people into my life. For that I am grateful.

Happy Chinese New Year!

2006-01-28T03:19:00.000-08:00

It has been a busy week but I thought I would take a quick second to write the post I promised earlier in the week explaining why I was looking forward to this weekend. As you probably can guess it is not the Chinese New Year because I am not chinese. It is of course my birthday today. I'm trying to stay awake until my birth time of 4:38 am but I think I'm going to crash before that.

Now onto why I'm so excited. In the words of my father, "I'm 28 on the 28th and that only happens once in a lifetime!" I have a great weekend planned and am just going to take this time to celebrate me....just like it should be. I plan to pamper myself and then dance the night away. Later this morning I have a deep tissue massage (my present to me) and then I have a Thai foot massage (christina's present to me) and then my day of beauty ends with the torture of having my 3rd and 4th eyebrows (they get so thick its like I have 2 extras) ripped off. Then I get to have dinner with all my favorite people in Stockton. I haven't decided where but it will either be Outback or something Mexican. After dinner my two best friends and I are reuniting the band and have promised me a night I won't remember. Then tomorrow I get to have dinner with my family at Red Lobster.

I'd like to take the time to thank my mother for all the labor pains before and after bringing me into this world because in the words of my more eloquent half "because life doesn't just begin with birth but every time we are altered and grow....and god knows change isn't always easy"

Hope everyone's "new year" is great and I will post pictures of the madness yet to come next week.

Word of the day

2006-01-22T20:01:00.000-08:00

This week's theme: words better known in their negative forms.

requite (ri-KWYT) verb tr.

To repay, return for, avenge, or retaliate.

When I read my e-mail this word caught my eye and I realized that for once I am content with life and actually not feeling any anger or need to strike out at people. For as long as I can remember I have always had trouble letting go of the past. I am not saying that I have necessarily put my past completely behind me but I have in some way learned how to deal with it in a manner that is allowing me to get back on the road to my future. Yay me!

I bought the Michael Buble cd this weekend and fell in love with the first song. It is very jazzy and upbeat and the lyrics are great. I will share it with you below, hope that you all have a great week! I can't wait until next Saturday...for those of you who don't know why, I will share that later in the week ;-)

"Feeling Good" by Michael Buble

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Yeah freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good

How best to advertise "Shanda"

2006-01-15T21:07:00.001-08:00

Ok everyone, in this age of constant advertising everything has a slogan. Below are the top 20 choices which have been adapted for my own personal use. I like so many of them I can't narrow it down to just one. Tell me what you think :-)

Shanda - The Appetizer!

Avez-Vous Un Shanda?

It's A Bit Of A Shanda.

The Too Good to Hurry Shanda.

The Shanda That Likes To Say Yes.

If You Really Want To Know, Look In The Shanda.

Let the Shanda Begin.

Dude, You're Getting a Shanda!

Shanda Comes to Those Who Wait.

Shanda Is Good For You.

Break Me Off a Piece of That Shanda.

Kills All Known Shanda - Dead.

Come Fly The Friendly Shanda.

I'm a Secret Shanda Drinker.

There's Always Room For Shanda.

Step Into The Shanda.

Why wear Cotton When You Can wear Shanda?

The Right Shanda at the Right Time.

Leave the Shanda to Us.

Got Shanda?

Wanna have some fun of your own? Visit INSTASLOGAN to find out what YOUR slogan is

Now I know my ABC's

2006-01-13T19:43:00.000-08:00

[A is for age:]
27...for a couple weeks at least :-)

[B is for booze of choice]
Shot: Tequila....preferrably patron
Mixed Drink: Long Island Iced Tea

[C is for career]
I work for the man making excuses for why our overseas help doesn't know how to do their job and get these people their money.

[D is for your dog's name:]
Dog's drool cats rule :-P Actually its Xavier my black lab on the side of my blog

[E is for essential items you use everyday:]
Computer, prozac, caffeine

[F is for favorite song(s) at the moment:]
Extraordinary Girl -Greenday
Almost Had You -Bowling for Soup
All Jacked Up -Gretchen Wilson

[G is for favorite games:]
Any card game, Hoopla

[H is for hometown:]
Stockton, CA

[I is for instruments you play:]
I was great at the flute in 4th grade until I broke my arm. Good thing though, don't think my asthma could have handled it.

[J is for jam or jelly you like:]
Boysenberry

[K is for kids?]
Everyone knows that the answer to this question is yes but not for a while, I am in my selfish phase (stop laughing)

[L is for last kiss?:]
Hmmm....does it say anything that it was from the second to last person I want to see right now? Too bad too because the kisses prior to that were to die for.

[M is for most admired trait:]
Caring and sympathetic nature

[N is for name of your crush:]
Surprisingly no one right now.

[O is for overnight hospital stays:]
Actually I haven't had to stay in the hospital overnight since I was a baby. Not because I'm healthy but because my injuries aren't THAT serious

[P is for phobias:]
Being alone

[Q is for quotes you like:]
"The heart has reasons the mind does not understand"

[R is for biggest regret:]
Not finishing college

[S is for sweets of your choice:]
anything chocolate

[T is for time you wake up:]
On my own: 10 am
Under diress: 4:30 am

[U is for underwear:]
when I actually wear underwear (not very often) I usually wear cotton...but I bought some gorgeous red lacy underwear and matching bras for the New Year.

[V is for vegetables you love:]
Asparagus, peas, artichokes

[Wis for worst habit:]
Being Needy

[X is for x-rays you've had:]
Too many....

[Y is for yummy food you make:]
Fudge - Better than sex Peanut Butter and Chocolate

[Z is for zodiac sign:]

Totally Aquarius....my horoscope for today:

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Although you may be thinking about changing your diet or adding a healthier routine to your day, the practical reality of your schedule may overshadow even the best of intentions. Don't be too hard on yourself now if you come up with a great plan and then let it fall to the wayside. Even if you don't make it happen, you are setting the stage for a change that's still on the way.

Who me weird?

2006-01-12T21:24:00.000-08:00

The first player of this game starts with the topic "five weird habits" of yourself and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals.

SO.... five weird habits...

1. Eating pickles dipped in chocolate pudding, and NO I'm not pregnant
2. Practicing the ASL alphabet first on my right hand then on my left hand whenever I go to the bathroom
3. Watching TV while on the computer and listening to internet radio while chatting with several people at once
4. Drinking A-1 Sauce from the bottle
5. Driving far away on the spur of the moment to clear my mind and "relax"

I am going to tag people because thats how you play the game but anyone who wants to do it feel free :-)

Cjristina (duh!), Acting Golfer (I need to see something new on your site...I'm tired of trying to find the lebby), Brooke (because I'm going to steal your recent meme), Annie (because I miss seeing you around!), and Remle (are you still around???)

Hmmm....this says a lot

2006-01-12T20:14:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the quiz Brooke! Interesting that I got the same result....this is a very sensual song though so I could see it working for me :-)

Your Stipper Song Is

Closer by Nine Inch Nails

"You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I�ve got no
Soul to tell"

When you dance, it's a little scary - and a lot sexy.

What Song Should You Strip To?

Insurance Explained

2006-01-12T17:51:00.000-08:00

It's been an interesting week. Over the weekend I heard an older lady in the restroom at the movie theatre talking about how the government decided to solve our nation's social security problem by denying them their medicine (in referrence to the medicare part d plan) so as to kill them all off. I kind of chuckled until I got to the pharmacy to pick up my grandmother's cancer medication and the pharmacy said that the insurance denied it (this is insanely expensive medication that there is no alternative for) then I thought "hmmm...maybe the lady was not far from wrong"

As you all know I work for an insurance company. As it is a new year most of our companies are renewing their plans and making their yearly changes to their benefits. I got the distinct pleasure of being yelled at a woman with a North Dakota accent about her 85 year old mother's retiree plan and how could I live with myself taking the food out of her mother's mouth and the clothes of her back. I wanted to point out that I was not getting any of her mother's money and that I was actually a socialized medicine advocate then I was going to ask her to campaign for the ballot measure when it came out. Ironically these people who yell at me are the same ones who shoot down socialized medicine every time you bring it up.

In tribute I am going to post the following e-mail explaining how insurance works. I have no problem admitting I work for the man and anyone who knows me that I have had a really hard time going against my socialized medicine viewpoints (healthcare should NOT be a business it should be a guarantee)....anyway,hope you enjoy the funny :-)

MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED (Research done by the AARP Legal
Department)
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE."
Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges,
who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his
foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
----------------------------------------
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose
the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.
Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the
plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no
longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no
longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor
who is
still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office
just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.
----------------------------------------
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require
pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
----------------------------------------
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
----------------------------------------
Q What happens if I want to try alternative forms of
medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
----------------------------------------
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need
the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach
ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
----------------------------------------
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
----------------------------------------
Q. I think I need t! o see a specialist, but my doctor insists
he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a
heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all your risking is the
$20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.
----------------------------------------
Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an
appointment by then.

Is this the New Year or just the same old recycled one?

2006-01-04T11:33:00.000-08:00

Here's the Story of the Day:

Wants to be a model for children & still keep doing all the adult stuff for fun & for the moment, she's keeping her two lives secret from one another

I haven't had much excitement over the first few days of the New Year. IN FACT, by working so much I think I have brought out a recurrence of my last illness of the last year. As such I have decided to stay home and take it easy today....well sort of. I did get to sleep in but there are things that need to be done here and I will be doing stuff like cleaning and installing a new antivirus on my computer etc. I noticed as the last year came to a close that I am becoming increasingly lax about keeping my two lives (see above) seperate from each other. Maybe that is what they mean by growing up. You just don't care enough anymore to exert the energy necessary to hide parts of yourself anymore. Don't get me wrong, there are still certain aspects that I would love to keep secret for the rest of my life but for the most part it doesn't bother me having my mother read my blog, or calling to wish my parents happy new year from a bar bathroom. Does this make me a bad person? I don't know. For better or worse, I think it just makes me me.

What also makes me me is the constant second guessing of myself and settling for less than I deserve. I have been getting inklings of feelings over the last couple days that make me think that some of the more destructive parts of last year have finally come to an end with the strike of midnight on Saturday. It's as if standing in the middle of a crowded bar the first kisses of the New Year were more of a kiss goodbye than a kiss hello. I would expect that realization to make me sad but I'm more indifferent than I give myself credit for. Its like the epiphany that I shared with Cjristina this weekend. While I do love every person I have been romantically involved with I have been coming to realize that its not really been about them. I have not necessarily been fair to them because sometimes it feels that our relationships are more about me wanting (needing?) them to love and adore me than actually having a relationship with them. My motivations are often selfish and I have come to the conclusion that if I do not learn to control these motivations I will never be truly happy. That brings me to the actual act of self control. Will I be able to do it? Maybe. I truly hope so because I do deserve to be happy.

I want to give a special thank you to Cjristina, Liz, Joe, Shawn, Justin, Jenny, and Carin for playing your various parts in helping to bring me into the New Year a little more secure within myself. Hopefully I will be able to develop the love and/or respect for myself that these people seem to have for me.

Risk! Risk anything! ... Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth.

- Katherine Mansfield

Happy Birthday to.....HER!

2006-01-02T10:17:00.000-08:00

I have found three people with today as their birthday and one of them just happens to be my beautiful best friend who danced her way into her 40th birthday (without me :-<) last night. I really tried to be there for her but I did leave her in really good company (and in a nice ass limo mind you!) It just wouldn't be a testament to our friendship if we didn't get lost and have an adventure on our excursion so I submit for everyone's reading pleasure what happened to me while my friends were partying it up in Sacramento.

Today is Christina's birthday and last night she wanted to "go clubbin" so that she could dance into her 40th birthday. Her sisters rented a limo and a few of her close friends were heading up to sac to some dance clubs. Being she is my best friend I didn't want to miss out but as I've previously mentioned my soul is no longer my own and I had to be at work 2 hours away at 6:15 in the morning. We were supposed to leave at 9:30 so I decided I would follow them to the first club and then take off from there (at least it was in the direction of home). Well the limo didn't get there until 9:45 and we didn't get out of Stockton until 10:15 after stopping at the Quik Stop for them to get booze and soda. When we got to Sacramento I lost the limo but luckily knew where I was going. After driving up and down the street that this place was supposed to be on for about 20 minutes I get a phone call from the limo. They can't find it either. Turns out McGees had changed to some cabo wabo place. I decided to just give up and told them to go to one of the other clubs, I was just going to go home. Well as I was heading to the freeway I see this Chevron selling gas for $2.04. WOW! That's a good price I think. Mind you, I'm not in a very good part of Citrus Heights and the gas station was pretty much deserted but who can pass up gass for $2.04? I pull in and head up to pay (I had cash with me for once and after hearing your story wasn't going to use my card :-P). There is a sign on the door "locked at night use window at the front of the store. GREAT! I hand this guy my money and head back to pump my gas. What you might not know is that my car was broken into when I lived in Sac. When I took it to Geweke to have it fixed they took off my gas door to match the paint color and when they put it on they forgot the spring so when I pull the lever in the car the gas door does not pop open. As such the only way to get into the gas tank is to hold up the lever while prying open the door. This always proves to be difficult since my arms are not made of rubber and are nowhere near long enough to accomplish this task. This is certainly not something I took into account when I decided to pull into a deserted gas station on a rainy night at 11:30 where even the big burly gas station man won't come out of his locked store. So I rig the fuel release just right with some stuff I had in the car and am able to contort my body just enough to get the fuel door open. My passenger side door is still wide open and its starting to rain (they just don't make awnings like they used to) when I heard "STOP IT GET THE F&#( AWAY FROM ME DAMNIT" I look up to see this homeless man standing about 20-30 feet in front of my car yelling at the invisible person next to him. He doesn't seem to see me but in my infinite wisdom I decided I would shut my car door. The sound of my door slamming made his attention snap to me. It was like one of those scenes in the horror movies where you are trying to remain unnoticed and the slightest sound makes them zero in on you. So the crazy guy starts moving towards me. I'm kinda frozen wide eyed staring at him as I chug my arizona green tea. He suddenly stops and says "He's this tall and this big and he wants to lick the back of my head" The only thing I could think to say at this point was "Woah, really? I hate when that happens". I guess this must have been the right answer because he just stares at me for a minute (probably thinking I'm either crazier than he is or a figment of his imagination) and then starts yelling at the big guy licking the back of his head and moves away from my car. About that time the gas pump clicked off and I went up to get my change from the man in the booth and try to walk as normally as possible to my car where I immediately lock my doors and peel out of there. That adrenaline rush was certainly enough to keep me awake on the two hour drive home.

Tis the Season

2005-12-25T10:41:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas, Happy Channukah, Fabulous Kwanza, Spectacular Solstice

...and a wonderful New Year to all!

Regardless of your religious affiliation this is the time for rebirth. No matter what happened in the past now is the time to look forward to what can happen in the future. Maybe its this time of year but I have been very emotional and slightly nostalgic for the past week or so. It all started when I realized that my little nephew was going to be 13 years old...I didn't meet my nephew until he was 3 years old and I fell in love with him instantly. Its not that now that he is older I will love him any less, its just different.

Today's Quote

When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it’s time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.

-Edward Teller

I think what I am afraid of is loss. As I look back over the year there are so many things that were lost this year. I have never been a fan of change....just when I get things how I like them something goes and screws it up. As I look around at the things that remain in my life I realize how desperately I want to hold on to them forever and I realize that I can't. For example, I am very grateful to still have my grandmother with us but I can't help but think forward to a time when she will not be here. Thats when the panic sets in. I begin to think "what if this is the year where I lose everything?" I am 27 years old and can't take care of myself....what am I going to do?

I have always known how to take care of other people but for the life of me I can't figure out how to motivate myself to take care of myself. I am the type of person who lives for others and if there is nobody around to take care of what will I do? Will I just wither up and disappear?

Anyway, this post was not meant to be a sappy whiny rant, it was supposed to be something inspirational that would bring anyone reading into the New Year ready to take positive steps towards enacting change in their lives and the lives of those around them. Then "With Arms Wide Open" by Creed started playing and I lost control. Maybe its for the best. In searching the Internet today I found the following tidbit of information on E-Media Wire:

Survey finds that only 9% of Americans are serious about achieving their goals. 51% don’t have New Year’s Resolutions and of those that do, 79% don’t have a plan to achieve them.

With that knowledge and my dad's advice paraphrased "life and happiness are what you make of your circumstances" I am going to try to come up with a plan to move forward. I thought I was doing well with this but you know how it goes....one step forward and two steps back. I think I just need to go back to work to keep my mind occupied, how sick is that??? :-)

And in the musical spirit of the season I am going to share with you they lyrics to one of the songs off of the new Bon Jovi album I got for Christmas. ..

"Welcome to Wherever You Are"

Maybe we're all different but we're still the same
We all got the blood of Eden running through our veins
I know sometimes it's hard for you to see
You're caught between just who you are and who you want to be
Remember every new beginning is some beginning's end

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are

When everybody's in and you're left out
And you feel you're drowning in a shadow of a doubt
Everyone's a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say
When it seems you're lost, alone, and feelin' down
Remember, everybody's different; just take a look around

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are

Be who you want to be
Be who you are
Everyone's a hero
Everyone's a star
When you want to give up and your heart's about to break
Remember that you're perfect; God makes no mistakes

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
I say welcome...
I say welcome...
Welcome...

Regardless of where your faith lies, I hope you find it somewhere this holiday season

HATE MY JOB DAY:

2005-12-22T21:29:00.000-08:00

I have been having some of these lately. Don't get me wrong, its really not that hard of a job it is just VERY draining and I kind of feel like a traitor to my values. I spend my days (10 hour days mind you) working for the man delivering mostly bad news and going against every principle that I have for equality in healthcare. I try to tell myself that I need to know the inner workings of the system so that I know how to fix it. I was cleaning out my e-mail box and found the following e-mail. It made me smile despite the fact that I will be getting up at the buttcrack of dawn and speaking to some VERY cranky people about all the money they are going to have to pay after the holidays. Hope you enjoy it as well.

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your local pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone and the TV so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Then, open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins:-

Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in
very small print there is the following statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS

You Know You're A Nurse When..

2005-12-22T20:53:00.000-08:00

To All My Friends Who Are Nurses .... or anyone you know who is a Nurse.

You know you are a Nurse if............

Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?? It took
her two weeks to realize she wasn't at work!

You know you're a nurse if.....

You would like to meet the inventor of the call light some night in a dark
alley.

Your sense of humor gets more warped each year.

Almost everything can seem humorous....eventually.

You know the smell of different diarrhea to identify it.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing
than they know.

You check the caller id on your day off to see if anyone from the
hospital is trying to call and ask you to work.

You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another
table throw up.

You notice that you are using more 4 letter words than you did before you
started nursing.

Everytime someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of them on you.

You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle, to convince the
doctor is more difficult"

You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your coworker
and to holler if they
need help.

Your bladder can expand to the size of a winnebago's water tank.

You find yourself checking out other customers veins in grocery waiting
lines.

You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they will
drop near you and
you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.

You have seen more penises than any prostitute.

If you are not a nurse and have been sent this by a friend who is, its just
to help you understand our mindset and questionable mental status/sanity.

Most of the time we function in spite of this sick sense of humor, fairly
normally and very responsibly. Believe me, this is how we think, ALL THE
TIME. Scary huh??

How many doilies does it take to cover your butt?

2005-12-06T22:43:00.000-08:00

There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self.

- Aldous Huxley

EUREKA! She's got it!

Ok! I knew it was only a matter of time before it would hit me and it finally has. INSPIRATION! And a little bit more I think. Intrigued? Read on...

I have a dirty little secret and I'm going to let y'all in on it. I am addicted to model shows Yes I'm actually referring to television programs such as "Top Model", "Project Runway", and the Runway fashion show specials such as the Victoria's Secret one that was on last night. Now, it is not for the "normal" reason that a woman in our society might tune in to watch the spectacle that these waifish women put on display...or maybe in some ways it is. It is not that I long to be a part of that world in the slightest way, in fact you would be hard pressed to get me to a live fashion show. I am simply fascinated by the lengths people will put themselves through for social acceptance. Don't get me wrong, I do this in my own life, I just enjoy knowing that I'm not alone I guess. Despite the many objections of family and friends asking "how can you watch this crap" I find myself tuning in week to see the "trials and tribulations" of these supposedly "perfect" people who turn out to be human in some cases. So that I'm not misunderstood I want to clarify, I am not saying that these are GOOD human beings in most cases, but the fact remains that they are human and are not impervious to the demands that our society puts on people to be perfect. I hesitate to say that these unrealistic expectations are solely put on women (even though it has historically been more blatant and obvious in the case of women) as there are many men who experience the similar issues.

In some ways I watch in wonder at the tragic scene unfolds before me on the television set with a certain amount of awe and amazement. I think to myself, how they can make such fools out of themselves, or what are they thinking everybody knows better than that. If I'm really feeling honest with myself I admit that I have been there done that. In an effort to make a change I have decided to confront it head on and live by example.

If you are still with me I will go further and explain what prompted this rant. I was puttering around my room last night half watching television half cleaning my room after watching my favorite reality television show (The Amazing Race...go Linzes!) Anyway, as some of you probably can guess, the Victoria's Secret Fashion show came on and as I wasn't really paying much attention anyway I left it on as background noise. At one point I came back into the room just in time to hear them interviewing some of the models about how they feel about doing a lingerie runway show. I'm telling you people, they interviewed 4 of the skinniest malnourished looking models in the show and each and every one of them said that one of their biggest concerns were with their body because a.) they didnâ€™t think they looked good enough (ie: they were too fat or untoned) or b.) had other self esteem issues that make it difficult for them to walk around half naked on television. I was floored!! OH MI GOD. How can these people say this with a straight face? These are the women that our little girls are being taught to emulate at all costs, the women who are â€œsupposedlyâ€ the pinnacle of beauty (not that I or any random group of people would come to a consensus on this fact since aesthetic beauty is purely subjective). That's when I suddenly had the realization that this was the point. We are all mentally f&$*ed. I'm guilty of the same thing. I look in the mirror and see only the imperfections and the things I hate about myself so why shouldn't these women to (they are only human...see above). This is only a symptom of a bigger problem that isn't going to be corrected on our own. The only way that we are ever going to get past all of this self inflicted agony is to accept the fact that we are imperfect and that is ok. The way I see it we have two choices, we can be miserable and hate ourselves dreaming of being different when in reality that will not make us any happier OR we can embrace the wonderful aspects of ourselves and try to minimize the damage done to our psyche by society at large.

I am well aware that this is all rhetoric that is easy to say but hard to enact, however, I have committed to myself (at least for the time being) to take a step towards self love instead of self loathe. I am sure you are all aware by this point that I have REALLY low self esteem. I am not as bad as some people I know, but I am still pretty bad. As a baby step forward I am going to post a picture of myself (I think I look bad in person but I think I look 100X worse in pictures) and proclaim to anyone reading this that I AM A BEAUTIFUL PERSON! My imperfections do not matter, my soul does.

I want to also say that I am not posting this to get a whole bunch of affirmative comments saying yes you are beautiful. It is nice to hear but honestly I am the one who has to believe it and trust me I have heard it before but still do not fully believe. I know my regular readers are wonderful but I would also like to note that if you have taken the time to read this whole thing and get to the picture only to think stop deluding yourself your ugly I don't need to hear that either. I have heard that before as well and the whole point of this ramble is that I am trying not to validate myself based on others opinions. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know what kind of person I am and the kind of person I hope to be and your pettiness and misery is inconsequential to me achieving my results. I wish you the best of luck in resolving the demons that make you surf the web to find people you think you are better than.

That being said, I would not give any amount of money to trade places with any of these women. I can't imagine being seen as "perfect" and still not loving myself. It is probably a very lonely prison. Also, have you seen some of the guys these "super models" get married to. I am sorry if any of you are a Seal fan but in my opinion YUCK! Wouldn't you think that Heidi Klum could do a bit better than that? ;-) Ok...now that I have completely invalidated the point of my entire blog with that last sentence I would like to thank anyone who managed to get through this monstrous post. If I have inspired you to comment in some other way as always feel free to do so, I love to read others take on the random nonsense rolling around in my brain.

That's all for now...Tootles!

Its either frickin hot or frickin wet!

2005-12-05T20:44:00.000-08:00

The picture doesn't really do it justice but it was beautiful the other day with the fog hanging over the fields and the lake on the way home. Just thought I would share :-)

Who says that I need wisdom...not the dentist thats for sure!

2005-12-05T12:42:00.000-08:00

Ok...in search for a little bit of wisdom in my life I have managed to take a few steps backward. Four steps to be specific. Thats right, I finally had my wisdom teeth pulled. It was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be but I have been way out of it and tired. I got some well needed rest laced with vicodin dreams and am getting ready to return back to work tomorrow. My jaw is a little sore but you can't keep me down. Cjristie is still amazed that I can already get three fingers stacked on top of each other in my mouth. I was never one to keep my mouth shut for long though. What I can't believe it is already almost Christmas, and the end of another school semester. I have three finals next weekend and I've been dragging my feet with registering for my next semester's classes. I did take the time to pick up my nursing application which isn't due until February so hopefully I won't procrastinate until the last minute as I usually do.

Other than that there really hasn't been much exciting going on. I hung out in Stockton with all the usual suspects a couple weeks ago. I had a good time and cleared the air. It was a very small world kind of weekend. I ran into a friend I used to work with and her husband. Where did I run into them you ask? Well they were hanging out with the group of people I know at the local hole in the wall karaoke bar. I am really trying to get my butt in gear so that I don't stay stuck in my rut as I have in the past but its hard. I mean, I LOVE the weather being cooler and rainy but it does seem to be effecting me a little more than usual this year.

On another note I am actually doing christmas cards this year. I have found most of my addresses but I don't think I have them all so if you don't get one and you haven't personally given me your address don't be offended. If you are just dying to get a card from me (I am sure there is a line of you already forming!) feel free to e-mail me your address.

I leave you with an inspirational quote for the day and urge you all to be contribute to the fight against mental illness by becoming more generous to your fellow man year round :-)

Inspirational thought of the day

Money-giving is a good criterion of a person’s mental health. Generous people are rarely mentally ill people.

- Dr. Karl Menninger

Late night fun

2005-11-24T23:44:00.000-08:00

Random word poetry that I came up with tonight...

I love velvet drama
dancing on groove rock beat
we sweat to let go

c'mon bass time

And I also had a fun time playing with A nifty little site

I'm a race car driver (and a porn panda but thats beside the point)!

Happy Turkey Day You Turkeys!!

2005-11-24T13:53:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't been posting a lot lately but I've been around. I have been feeling out of it for a couple weeks and didn't really have anything that needed to be said. Thanksgiving was not without the usual drama but I am too tired to expound on it just yet. It was overall a very enjoyable day and I just wanted to take this time to leave a quick note for anybody who may be reading it. I appreciate all of your guy's responses both public and private to my lack of posting on the blog. I am working overtime tomorrow (can't pass up $250+ dollars for one 7.5 hour day)and then I'm off to celebrate the "broad's" birthday in Stock-Town. It will be my second visit of the month....I had a great time a couple weekends ago as I got to see almost all of my old friends. I even caught up with a good friend of mine that I hadn't seen in at least 3-4 years. That was a blast! It was a little bittersweet to see the changes in the dynamics of all of our friendships but I guess life is all about change and even I am a little different too. Some places I don't fit in well anymore, and others I fit in better. Life is funny that way I guess!

I was going to post a holiday picture of "ree ree" but she didn't much feel like posing with so many people in the house so all I have for you is "the butterball"

Good things happen in groups of three!

2005-11-12T12:29:00.000-08:00

Figured it was time for a couple pointless blogs using quizzes and such that I have found on other sites. Thanks to all who have contributed to my laziness :-)

Three ways that I am stereotypically female
1. I'm romantic.
2. I am ALWAYS late.
3. I'm nurturing.

Three ways that I am stereotypically male
1. I hate to shop.
2. I fall asleep in front of the TV
3. The way I drink!

Three names I go by
1. Shan
2. Shaunda
3. Ladybug

Three parts of my heritage
1. Bohemian
2. Native American
3. Irish

Three physical things I like about myself
1. My eye color (hazel green)
2. My butt (thats one thing I don't care about being big!)
3. My fingers

Three physical things I don’t like about myself
1. My stomach
2. My thighs
3. My teeth

Three things that scare me
1. My grandmother's house at night
2. Being alone
3. Love

Three of my everyday essentials
1. Internet (DSL oh how I miss you!)
2. Prozac
3. Food (HA! I didn't get to be who I am by starving myself)

Three LIES
1. I am a patient person.
2. I am a size 1.
3. I am a morning person.

Three TRUTHS
1. I am a good listener.
2. I want to be "found".
3. I am much harder on myself than anyone else could ever be.

Three things I want in a relationship
1. Trust
2. Loyalty/Faithfulness
3. Laughter

Three physical things about men that appeal to me
1. Nice eyes (glasses are great)
2. Facial hair (not too much)
3. Fantastic A$$

Three of my favorite hobbies
1. Reading
2. Seeing theatre (preferrably not BAD theatre but you get all kinds!!)
3. Sleeping

Three things I want to do really badly now
1. Go have another drink.
2. Move to Seattle
3. Make out...no one in particular so long as they are a good kisser

Three careers I’ve considered
1. School Teacher
2. Phone Sex Operator
3. Nurse

Three places I want to go on vacation
1. Canada
2. France
3. England

Three things I want to do before I die
1. Own my own house
2. Save people's lives
3. Have children

Three celebrity crushes
1. Johnny Depp
2. Hugh Jackman
3. Ewan McGregor

I'm not a whore I just date them (139)

2005-11-12T11:56:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to add that disclaimer...besides as it is well known Cjristina is the whore, I'm the skank ;-) BTW: I don't understand the grouping of these movies...seems very odd to me! Enjoy...

Put an X by the movies you've seen.
If you get more than 70, you're a movie whore.
COPY AND REPOST! PLACE YOUR SCORE IN THE SUBJECT LINE

(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
( ) Boondock Saints
( ) The Mexican
( ) Fight Club
( ) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
( ) Blazing Saddles
( ) Garden State
(x) The Princess Bride
( ) Young Frankenstien
( ) Anchor Man
( ) Napoleon Dynamite
(x) Saw
(x)White Noise
(x) White Oleander
( ) Anger Management
Total here: 6

( ) 50 First Dates
(x) Jason X
(x) Scream
(x) Scream 2
( ) Scream 3
(x) Scary Movie
( ) Scary Movie 2
(x) Scary Movie 3
(x) American Pie
(x) American Pie 2
(x) American Wedding
(x) Harry Potter
(x) Harry Potter 2
( ) Resident Evil I
(x) Resident Evil 2
(x) The Wedding Singer
(x) Little Black Book
Total here: 13

(x) The Village
(x) Donnie Darko
(x) Lilo & Stitch
(x) Finding Nemo
(x) Finding Neverland
(x) 13 Ghosts
(x) Signs
(x) The Grinch
(x) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) White Chicks
(x) Butterfly Effect
(x) Thirteen Going on 30
(x) I Robot
(x) Dodgeball
( ) Universal Soldier
( ) A Series Of Unfortunate Events
( ) Along Came A Spider
( ) Deep impact
Total here: 13

(x) KingPin
(x) Never Been Kissed
( ) Meet The Parents
( ) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
( ) A Cinderella Story
( ) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumb & Dumberer
(x) Final Destination
(x) Final Destination 2
(x) Halloween
(x) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
( ) Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
(x) Practical Magic
(x) Chicago
( ) Ghost Ship
( ) From Hell
(x) Hellboy
(x) Secret Window
(x) I Am Sam
(x) The Whole Nine Yards
( ) The Whole Ten Yards
(x) The Day After Tomorrow
(x) Child's Play
( ) Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
( ) Just Married
(x) Gothika
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles
(x) Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
(x) Seven (SE7EN)
(x) Oceans Eleven
(x) Oceans Twelve
(x) Identity
Total here: 24

( ) Lone Star
( ) Predator I
( ) Predator II
(x) Independence day
(x) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
(x) Darkness Falls
(x) Christine
(x) ET
(x) Children of the Corn
( ) My Boss' Daughter
(x) Maid in Manhattan
(x) Frailty
( ) Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x)She's All That
(x) Calendar Girls
(x) Sideways
( ) Mars Attacks
Total here: 12

(x) Event Horizon
(x) Ever After
(x) Forrest Gump
(x) Big Trouble in Little China
(x) X-men 1
(x) X-men 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Others
(x) Freaky Friday
(x) Ring of Fire
( ) The Hot Chick
( ) Swimfan
(x) Miracle
( ) Old School
(x) Ray
(x) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
Total here: 13

( ) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
( ) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
( ) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
( ) A Walk to Remember
( ) Boogeyman
(x) Hitch
( ) The Fifth Element
(x) Star Wars episode I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars episode II Attack of The Clones
(x) Star Wars episode III Revenge of The Sith
(x) Star Wars episode IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars episode V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars episode VI Return of The Jedi
(x) Troop Beverly Hills
( ) Swimming with Sharks
( ) Air Force One
( ) For Richer or Poorer
( ) Trainspotting
( ) People Under the Stairs
( ) Blue Velvet
(x) Sound of Music
(x) Parent Trap
(x) The Burbs
(x) The Terminator
(x) Empire Records
( ) SLC Punk
( ) Meet Joe Black
(x) Wild Girls
( ) A Clockwork Orange
(x) The Order
(x) Spiderman
(x) Spiderman 2
(x) Amelie
Total here: 18

(x) Mean Girls
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2
(x) The Incredibles
( ) Collateral
( ) The Fast & The Furious
( ) 2 Fast 2 Furious
(x) Sky Captain Of The World Of Tomorrow
(x) Closer
Total here: 6

(x) Titanic
( ) Saved
(x) Bowling For Columbine
(x) Farenheit 9/11
(x) The Sixth Sense
(x) Artificial intelligence (AI)
(x) Love actually
( ) Shutter
( ) Ella Enchanted
(x) Princess Diaries
(x) Princess Diaries 2
( ) Constantine
(x) Million Dollar Baby
( ) Envy
( ) Eurotrip
( ) Malibu's Most wanted
( ) Big Daddy
(x) Black Sheep
(x) The Breakfast Club
(x) West Side Story
Total here: 11

(x) A Christmas Story
(x) Spanglish
(x) Pulp Fiction
( ) Sleepover
(x) The Evil Dead
( ) Killer Klowns From Outer Space*
( ) The Seed of Chucky
( ) Vanilla Sky
(x) Nightmare Before Christmas
(x) Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
(x) Interview With The Vampire
( ) The Crow
(x) Purple Rain
( ) Reservoir Dogs
(x) Wayne's World
Total here: 8

( ) Wayne's World 2
( ) 21 Grams
( ) Blow
(x) Edward Scissorhands
(x) Clerks
(x) Beauty and the Beast
( ) Guess Who
( ) Monster In-Law
( ) Elf
( ) Stuart Little
( ) Stuart Little 2
(x) Mall Rats
(x) Chasing Amy
(x) Dogma
(x) Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Total here: 7

(x) Beetlejuice
( ) The Last Samurai
( ) The Amityville Horror
(x) The Aviator
(x) Romeo + Juliet
( ) Barbershop
(x) Beauty Shop
(x) Legally Blonde
(x) Legally Blonde 2
(x) The Forgotten
( ) Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen
(x) Grudge
Total here: 8

Lost my mojo?

2005-11-08T12:14:00.000-08:00

In surveying what is certainly a pitiful week of posts I have come to the realization that I have lost my inspiration for blogging. Its not that I am particularly down or depressed, just that I have nothing burning or very important to say. There have been various things going on in my life but none that I can (or am willing) to publicize for various reasons. I have no particular motivation to rant or rave about the state of our decaying government. I don't even have anything really to whine or complain about in my own life. I'll keep you posted if anything changes, until then I'm just going to lie down in my rut and keep to myself.

mmmm.....sexy

2005-11-03T19:58:00.000-08:00

You Are Sensual Sexy

You exude a luxiourous sensuality in your everyday life
Turning heads every where you go, it's all about your sexy attitude.
You're naturally hot - gorgeous in both sweats and stilettos.
Your biggest problem is that your utra sexy self sometimes scares men away.

What Kind of Sexy Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

You Are a Normal Girl

You are 50% Good and 50% Bad
Sure you've pulled some bad girl stunts in your past.
But these days, you're (mostly) a good girl.

Are You a Good Girl or a Bad Girl?

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Lets find out a little more about me..

2005-11-01T22:54:00.000-08:00

Your Reputation Is: Sweet Girl

While you're well known, there's nothing to worry about.
You're reputation is mostly good - as good as any rep can be.

What's Your Reputation?

Your Hair Should Be Orange

Expressive, deep, and one of a kind.
You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

You're an Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges
If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story
You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses
A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy.
You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts.
People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused.
But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Scared of the dark?

2005-10-28T22:35:00.000-07:00

So the weather here finally got managable for me. It started raining earlier this week and has been overcast and about 50 degrees since then. Its great, I love it! Dorito on the other hand is less than amused. We have been forceably trying to keep her in the house as the rain pours down outside and the dusty red dirt turns to mud. She has had a permanent scowl on her face since Wednesday. This evening after getting out of the shower it was my turn to scowl. My chubba kitty had managed to squeeze past my mom and get out the front door. Not only is it raining and muddy outside, but it is also nighttime which is a big no no for her. There are coyotes up here and my scaredy cat doesn't have the sense to hide from them. So after my deliciously hot shower I was more than ready to fall into bed. Instead I got to traipse out into the cold...dark....muddy forest of trees on the spooky mountain. I had my flashlight and am typically not really scared of being up here but something outside tonight had me freaked out. I made my way down the hill to the trees she usually hides in. The steam rising from my skin and escaping through my mouth and nose as I breathed. The sound of crunching gravel ceased at the edge of the driveway and it was eerily silent. After standing for a some time sweeping the flashlight through the darkness that lay in front of me while calling out for the chubba brat cat the hair on the back of my neck raised up and I felt as if someone was watching me. I was far enough away from the house to know that nobody from inside could see me. I turned to walk back (half expecting to run headfirst into someone or something) so that I could check the other side of the house. I couldn't shake the feeling that somebody was watching me and I realized that I was currently in the role of stupid girl in the horror movie that runs into the killers trap. At that point I thought forget you ree ree, if you won't come in I'm not going to be killed trying to find you. Luckily Ree Ree was more scared than I was 'cause when I got back to the house she was standing at the back porch. Will that stop her from trying to escape again tomorrow night? Probably not...just like the dark spooky mountainous forest setting will not keep me from chasing her down again....its just what we do!

I hope everyone has a Happy and Safe Halloween this weekend! :-)

Here's the Story of the Day:

Equal Treatment

Why do they treat us like children? they said & I said why do you treat them like adults? & their eyes opened wide & they began to laugh & talk all at once & suddenly everything looked possible again.

So I'm not stupid, just average!

2005-10-24T19:27:00.000-07:00

You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

- Eleanor Roosevelt

UPDATE: Got the results of my midterm weekend from hell and they weren't AS bad as I thought. I consistently earned a C on all three. The reason I specify the phrase "earned" is because in my microeconomics class the teacher just randomly decided to give everyone 20 extra points (guess I wasn't the only one who had a bad weekend eh?), so I actually ended up getting an A on the test...but thats not what I earned....

That brings me to the quote of the day. It feels like over the last 6 months I have been doing things that I think I can not do all the time. It has been a slow process but I am finally starting to see some results coming through. I am finally getting my financial aid, and I'm almost through training at work. While there are still a lot of things I currently don't think I can do, I didn't think I could make it 6 months after the break up and I did so maybe I am wrong about those other things. The one thing I should have learned by now is that I can and will do whatever it takes to survive.

In other news, I took my health insight questionaire today for open enrollment this morning. This is a questionnaire that I had completed originally when I first started working. Suprisingly my overall health percentage has decreased. Not a good sign, but I'm working on it.

Hope all is going well for everyone. I'm just happy that Monday is over and I'm going to go lie down now :-)

Well DUH!

2005-10-23T21:46:00.000-07:00

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often.

You tend to give more than take in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

A fact about dating: A wise monkey never monkies with another monkey's monkey.

2005-10-23T15:11:00.000-07:00

Today's tip brought to you courtesy of Randomfacts.org

Me thinks this is good advice that we will all laugh at and some of us will still ignore it :-P

The loser's guide to getting lucky

2005-10-23T14:54:00.000-07:00

By Professor Richard Wiseman
University of Hertfordshire

Why do some people get all the luck while others never get the breaks they deserve? A psychologist says he has discovered the answer.

Ten years ago, I set out to examine luck.

I wanted to know why some people are always in the right place at the right time, while others consistently experience ill fortune.

I placed advertisements in national newspapers asking for people who felt consistently lucky or unlucky to contact me.

Hundreds of extraordinary men and women volunteered for my research and, over the years, I have interviewed them, monitored their lives and had them take part in experiments.

Professor Wiseman's top tips

The results reveal that although these people have almost no insight into the causes of their luck, their thoughts and behaviour are responsible for much of their good and bad fortune.

Those who have succeeded at anything and don't mention luck are kidding themselves

Larry King

Take the case of seemingly chance opportunities. Lucky people consistently encounter such opportunities, whereas unlucky people do not.

I carried out a simple experiment to discover whether this was due to differences in their ability to spot such opportunities.

I gave both lucky and unlucky people a newspaper, and asked them to look through it and tell me how many photographs were inside.

Professor Wiseman's formula came too late for some...

I had secretly placed a large message halfway through the newspaper saying: "Tell the experimenter you have seen this and win £250."

This message took up half of the page and was written in type that was more than two inches high.

Anxiety

It was staring everyone straight in the face, but the unlucky people tended to miss it and the lucky people tended to spot it.

Everything in life is luck

Donald Trump

Unlucky people are generally more tense than lucky people, and this anxiety disrupts their ability to notice the unexpected.

As a result, they miss opportunities because they are too focused on looking for something else.

They go to parties intent on finding their perfect partner and so miss opportunities to make good friends.

They look through newspapers determined to find certain types of job advertisements and miss other types of jobs.

Self-fulfilling prophecies

Lucky people are more relaxed and open, and therefore see what is there rather than just what they are looking for.

Luck is believing you're lucky

Tennessee Williams

My research eventually revealed that lucky people generate good fortune via four principles.

They are skilled at creating and noticing chance opportunities, make lucky decisions by listening to their intuition, create self-fulfilling prophesies via positive expectations, and adopt a resilient attitude that transforms bad luck into good.

Towards the end of the work, I wondered whether these principles could be used to create good luck.

I asked a group of volunteers to spend a month carrying out exercises designed to help them think and behave like a lucky person.

Dramatic results

These exercises helped them spot chance opportunities, listen to their intuition, expect to be lucky, and be more resilient to bad luck.

I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it

Thomas Jefferson

One month later, the volunteers returned and described what had happened. The results were dramatic: 80% of people were now happier, more satisfied with their lives and, perhaps most important of all, luckier.

The lucky people had become even luckier and the unlucky had become lucky.

Finally, I had found the elusive "luck factor" .

Here are Professor Wiseman's four top tips for becoming lucky:

Listen to your gut instincts - they are normally right
Be open to new experiences and breaking your normal routine
Spend a few moments each day remembering things that went well
Visualise yourself being lucky before an important meeting or telephone call. Luck is very often a self-fulfilling prophecy

#6 - How am I doin? – Dierks Bentley

2005-10-22T23:45:00.000-07:00

This one makes me smile every time. Its one of the faster songs on the list and in the great country tradition this break up song is bitter and sarcastic and just plain fabulous.

It's strange to hear your voice
I did not expect for you to call
You wonder how I'm doin
How I'm holdin up
Since you did me wrong

[chorus]
Well how am I doin' since you did what you done to me?
I can't lie I sometimes cry when I think of how it used to be
I keep my friends with me, I stay busy and I don't get much sleep
Baby, that's how I'm doin since you did what you done to me

Well now wait one minute, I
Failed to mention
Those tears I cried, are tears of joy
Cause' it was no fun there
Under your thumb and
Now that we're done I'm
Gettin' right every night
With every single ever-lovin' girl in sight, so

[chorus]

Well when all my friends heard what a
You know what you were they
Took me out on the town
But then I heard our song and
I danced along but
It felt all wrong cause'
She was sweet, she let me lead
She never took her ever-lovin' eyes off me so

[chorus]

Well I don't know what you were thinkin'
Runnin' round on me
Now you say you're sorry
Well honey....I agree...so

How are you doin' since you did
What you done to me
Girl don't lie you know you cry
Cause' you know how good it used to be
Yeah, tell me does the thought of
Losin' my true love make it hard to sleep, baby
How are you doin' since you did
What you done to me

Yeah how are you doin', now that you know
How I'm doin since you did
What you done to me

#7: My Favorite Mistake – Sheryl Crowe

2005-10-21T19:07:00.000-07:00

I woke up and called this morning
The tone of your voice was a warning
That you don't care for me anymore

I made up the bed we sleep in
I looked at the clock when you creep in
It's 6 a.m. and I'm alone

[Chorus:]
Did you know when you go
It's the perfect ending
To the bad day I was just beginning
When you go all I know is
You're my favorite mistake

Your friends are sorry for me
They watch you pretend to adore me
But I'm no fool to this game

Now here comes your secret lover
She'd be unlike any other
Until your guilt goes up in flames

[Chorus]

You're my favorite mistake

Well maybe nothin' lasts forever
Even when you stay together
I don't need forever after
It's your laughter won't let me go
So I'm holding on this way

Did you know, could you tell
You were the only one
That I ever loved
Now everything's so wrong

Did you see me walking by?
Did it ever make you cry?

You're my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake

I'm impossible to forget but hard to remember

2005-10-20T21:11:00.000-07:00

Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.

- Helen Keller

All in all I feel like I got a lot done this week and that makes me feel good. I just can't wait to feel well and good for once. I am so sick of being tired and sad all the time, and I know others are sick of hearing about it and dealing with it. Yesterday I was lending a sympathetic ear to a friend of mine at work who is going through a rough time and I almost broke down crying with her. Later that day she said I didn't mean to depress you and I just said "it wasn't you. Life is so unfair and I am having trouble learning how to cope with that."

I know so many people who live in the little town of denial (located on DeNile river) and I don't want to be one of those people anymore. I deserve better than that. I went to the movies last weekend and saw "Elizabethtown". I have been wanting to see it for a while, and I finally just decided to go even though I didn't have anybody to go with. I really loved this movie. It touched some nerves and was one of those movies where you find yourself laughing one minute and crying at others. At several points within the movie Kirsten Dunst's character (she was the weak link but then again I don't think there is much that she's been in that I have cared for) keeps saying "we are the substitutes..." which got me thinking about my life in particular. I have always said that it seems that I'm the always number 2. My friend and I had a joke for a while that it was better to be number 2 than number 23. Everytime Kirsten Dunst said that phrase in the movie though I just wanted to scream "WHY?!?" You keep saying that you are not the one, you are a substitute but you never explain why! I didn't understand what was holding her back until it hit me, I do the exact same thing because I don't feel I deserve to be #1 with anyone. I don't feel that I am important enough to matter and I don't know where this comes from. I can only assume that this was the message that the movie was trying to portray (again I think it would have been much more effectual with a better actress).

Thats when I started thinking, what is a substitute and why is it that I relegate myself to that status? I mean we know that there are a lot of things in this world that we use as substitutes or replacements. In fact, I just had questions on my econ midterm about substitute products. From a purely economic standpoint a substitute good one that replaces a desired good when the cost of the desired good exceeds the consumers capability to pay for it. Therefore, when the cost of good X decreases the demand for good Y decreases. This is my life people. I can name only one relationship that I have been in that doesn't fit this criteria and I broke up with him within a month. Human nature leads us to place blame with others for making us subsitutes, but as fellow blogger New York Moments recently posted if you focus on what you don't want that is all you are going to find. In this case if you focus on the fact that you are destined to be a substitute that is all you can ever be. Therefore, it is nobody's fault when your life begins to unfold that way.

So where does that leave me? I think that acceptance is the first step towards change so this is positive for me. Now its just a matter of retraining myself towards a happier more fulfilling existance. It takes time and repetition to make something a habit but it takes a major concerted effort to actually change a habit. Hopefully I will finally be able to overcome this hurdle. Feel free to follow along with my progress over the next few months. My last attempt didn't work out so well :-)